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Original poster

Text out of the blue from former crush

152 replies

Meltedcheeses · 02/03/2023 07:38

I was friendly with a male colleague (both single) and felt we were inching towards one of us suggesting a date. I like him.

I got offered a new job and was put on garden leave...marched out of office and told not to contact colleagues.

This colleague (call him Tom) and I have had a handful of emails from his work address to my personal one since...work related.

Tuesday night got a text at 9.30 from this colleague...had given up hope! It was brief and pleasant. Not flirty. I replied very briefly (Thank you) and the conversation stopped, ie he didn't reply.

Wednesday night I sent a similar text to his Tuesday one. He replied two words.

He didn't need to get in touch. And he could have emailed. And he could have done it in the daytime.

But then he doesn't seem interested in chatting.

We had had a strong connection. I'd written it off but him texting has put my head in a bit of spin.

Tell me I'm being stupid. I know I'm being stupid.

OP posts:
EVHead · 02/03/2023 07:40

What was his text about on Tuesday night?

Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2023 07:41

Was the text work related? If so then I’d maybe just put it down to work but if it wasn’t then was your reply enough for him to reply to? If it was brief did he maybe think he was annoying you?
Why not just go for it and ask him out? You have his number and if it doesn’t work out then you don’t need to see him again.

Fuckstix · 02/03/2023 07:44

When's your gardening leave over? If you wanted to take the plunge maybe wait until.after then and just ask him out for a drink. He can only say no. Otherwise impossible to say, what was his messaging about?

Original poster
Meltedcheeses · 02/03/2023 07:53

Oh thanks you wonderful humans.

I can't tell you how pathetic I felt typing out that post. So thanks for understanding that this has stirred up some feelings for me.

My garden leaves ends in 10 days. It had crossed my mind he might be waiting til that.

The text was basically:

"This evening I have completed a piece of work that you used to do. I thought you may like to know. Cheers."

His exact words were more specific but I mean I hardly needed to know that. Very formal tone.

Hence all I could think to say was "thank you".

It was hardly a romantic text...but I why text me at 9.30 pm to tell me that?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2023 09:36

Does he usually have that tone in his conversations with you? I know it’s hard to judge what someone is saying or trying to convey over text but as a person who doesn’t know either of you, I would read that message as he’s a little bit annoyed that he’s now having to do the work. Either that or he wanted to chat about how you used to do it.

SmileyClare · 02/03/2023 09:42

Why were you marched out of your office and told not to contact your colleagues?

Original poster
Meltedcheeses · 02/03/2023 09:49

SmileyClare · 02/03/2023 09:42

Why were you marched out of your office and told not to contact your colleagues?

Because I was put on gardening leave. Not unusual in our industry.

OP posts:
junglejane66 · 02/03/2023 09:50

SmileyClare · 02/03/2023 09:42

Why were you marched out of your office and told not to contact your colleagues?

OP was put on gardening leave

Original poster
Meltedcheeses · 02/03/2023 09:52

Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2023 09:36

Does he usually have that tone in his conversations with you? I know it’s hard to judge what someone is saying or trying to convey over text but as a person who doesn’t know either of you, I would read that message as he’s a little bit annoyed that he’s now having to do the work. Either that or he wanted to chat about how you used to do it.

His tone in the last 3 months has been all over the place. It's very stiff in the text.

Yes I think he had done the work (it's not a hard task) but felt like grumbling at me.

Well I guess that's the last I hear from.him...he hasn't turned it into a conversation. Seems a little pointless to me.

OP posts:
Talkingmouse · 02/03/2023 10:04

But you didn’t turn it into a conversation. He sent you a message. Formal yes, but 20 odd words. You replied with two words. You cut any potential conversation down, not him.

Reply with 30 words. Then he might reply similarly. Then you start a conversation. Then you can add some flirting. Then…

JupiterFortified · 02/03/2023 10:07

It’s not 100% clear from his message whether he’s interested or not. I would just send him a message and ask him if he fancies a drink sometime to catch up. What have you got to lose OP? If your garden leave ends in a few days anyway maybe just wait until it ends if you’re worried about that.

The worst he can say is no, and then you never have to see him again anyway.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/03/2023 10:08

It sounds as though he was thinking about you and wanted to reach out. Why don't you text tonight and ask if he has done any more of your work today in a jokey kind of way. Just play it by ear and see where it goes.

Cats246 · 02/03/2023 10:12

Two words is not enthusiasm. Give up. Meet someone who makes an effort.

cornflakegeneration · 02/03/2023 10:13

SmileyClare · 02/03/2023 09:42

Why were you marched out of your office and told not to contact your colleagues?

This is the norm in competitive industries. It's to avoid sensitive info (client details etc) being taken with them.

EyesForU · 02/03/2023 10:15

you shut him down though. If your industry means no work is officially done or work emails at 9:30pm then it was an attempt to open lines of communication with you particularly as he is crossing the line by telling you about it since you weren't meant to talk to any of the colleagues. I think the gardening leave and nature of your industry it means there is a chance he is waiting for you to be officially disconnected to the job before he is more forward. I think you messed up by just replying with thank you.. you should have used that opening to extend the chat. He might have taken it as not interested.

cornflakegeneration · 02/03/2023 10:15

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 02/03/2023 10:08

It sounds as though he was thinking about you and wanted to reach out. Why don't you text tonight and ask if he has done any more of your work today in a jokey kind of way. Just play it by ear and see where it goes.

I'd probably do this.

SmileyClare · 02/03/2023 10:18

Well if you’re never going to see him again why not just ask if he wants to meet up? You’ve nothing to lose.
Perhaps he’d like to pop round and help with your gardening that you have all this leave for.

I have to say, unless he’s painfully shy and socially inept, I’m not seeing any hidden meaning in his rather formal work based message.

Original poster
Meltedcheeses · 02/03/2023 10:22

OK...well I expected more "get over it girl" type messages.

But like me I think some people are seeing some potential that messaging at 9.30 was an attempt to start a conversation.

I might wait now til the gardening leave is over and make one last attempt.

@SmileyClare that made me laugh....I don't even have a garden and you're right it's such a funny phrase!

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 02/03/2023 10:26

That’s a shame op, maybe get a window box and plant up a little herb garden 😂

Id say make one last attempt to connect with him in a “was nice to hear from you, I miss our chats over lunch (or whatever)”

If he shuts that down then at least you never have to face him again.

Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2023 10:56

I agree with the others, send him a text and ask how he’s getting on with the work? I’d probably make a joke out of it and see how he responds then. Either way, he reached out to you. He might have been annoyed with doing the work but I doubt he’d text at that time of night just to moan, he maybe wanted you to moan with him.

Tuilpmouse · 02/03/2023 11:48

Cats246 · 02/03/2023 10:12

Two words is not enthusiasm. Give up. Meet someone who makes an effort.

I think the OP responded with two words, not him!

Tuilpmouse · 02/03/2023 11:59

Talkingmouse · 02/03/2023 10:04

But you didn’t turn it into a conversation. He sent you a message. Formal yes, but 20 odd words. You replied with two words. You cut any potential conversation down, not him.

Reply with 30 words. Then he might reply similarly. Then you start a conversation. Then you can add some flirting. Then…

If I was "Tom" and you'd responded to my message with a simple two word "thank you", I wouldn't have followed up either. In fact I'd have taken such a short response as a little being a little rude. The least id have expected would be something along the lines of "Thank you for doing that. I hope it didn't take you too long to complete!"

Anyway, if you're interested in him, message him back probably along the lines of:

"I'm sorry I was my last response was so brief. I just wanted to say that I appreciate you letting me know that you'd completed this work, and hope that it didn't take too long! How have things been at the firm since I left? Are you all coping without me? 😃".

It's appreciating what he did (which he'll value), inviting him to respond with an open ended question, and attempting some light hearted banter at the end to set a relaxed tone for his response and future communication".

You then wait his response and judge. If he's potentially interested, and has any social sense, he'll engage back and give you a natural opening to respond. You take it from there, and if the vibe is good after a few measages, you ask him to meet for a drink.

Tuilpmouse · 02/03/2023 12:02

Hiddenvoice · 02/03/2023 10:56

I agree with the others, send him a text and ask how he’s getting on with the work? I’d probably make a joke out of it and see how he responds then. Either way, he reached out to you. He might have been annoyed with doing the work but I doubt he’d text at that time of night just to moan, he maybe wanted you to moan with him.

A man doesn't text out of the blue to moan like that to a departed colleague... It's an opener... The OP has nearly blown it with her two word "thank you" reply which is akin to saying "whatever"... but as I wrote in my last post, all is not lost is handled right.

AuntieStella · 02/03/2023 12:07

Yes, use your final day on gardening leave as the reason to text him.

As your last reply was a bit curt (even though you didn't mean it to be) send something that is at least two sentences long.

Also, looking at his text, he referenced something that made him think of you. Perhaps you could mirror that?

Aprilx · 02/03/2023 12:10

Meltedcheeses · 02/03/2023 07:53

Oh thanks you wonderful humans.

I can't tell you how pathetic I felt typing out that post. So thanks for understanding that this has stirred up some feelings for me.

My garden leaves ends in 10 days. It had crossed my mind he might be waiting til that.

The text was basically:

"This evening I have completed a piece of work that you used to do. I thought you may like to know. Cheers."

His exact words were more specific but I mean I hardly needed to know that. Very formal tone.

Hence all I could think to say was "thank you".

It was hardly a romantic text...but I why text me at 9.30 pm to tell me that?

I would not take that as a sign of interest. It’s a bit weird to be honest, I mean why would you want to know.

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