Text out of the blue from former crush

[Meltedcheeses]

I was friendly with a male colleague (both single) and felt we were inching towards one of us suggesting a date. I like him.

I got offered a new job and was put on garden leave...marched out of office and told not to contact colleagues.

This colleague (call him Tom) and I have had a handful of emails from his work address to my personal one since...work related.

Tuesday night got a text at 9.30 from this colleague...had given up hope! It was brief and pleasant. Not flirty. I replied very briefly (Thank you) and the conversation stopped, ie he didn't reply.

Wednesday night I sent a similar text to his Tuesday one. He replied two words.

He didn't need to get in touch. And he could have emailed. And he could have done it in the daytime.

But then he doesn't seem interested in chatting.

We had had a strong connection. I'd written it off but him texting has put my head in a bit of spin.

Tell me I'm being stupid. I know I'm being stupid.

Thanks. I feel a bit dramatic blocking him but I needed to make it clear it wasn't an open ended offer.

He lives 300 yards from me so the chances of running into him are fairly high. I'll ignore him.

Honestly as if people with kids doing A levels can't leave the house. What a weird excuse.

What a chump - sounds like he's got someone else on the go.

But he could just say that to the OP?

I believe that was a very unwise move on your part OP. You had attempted to meet this man for a drink in the past and he had rebuffed it, nonetheless the emotional masochist inside you decided to insist. Based on your past comms his response was very predictable, nonetheless you decided to go for the kill 🙄Had you “graciously withdrew on time” you could have kept this man as a solid work contact and part of your professional network, you sort of blew it up by showing him you had an interest that went “further than”.

I don’t see why this man can’t still be a “solid work contact” in a professional capacity. Nothing untoward has happened.

Op has simply blocked his private number to rule our social contact.

”emotional masochist” 😂
Love this armchair diagnosis, hopefully that’s tongue in cheek? Op tested the water a couple of times and asked him for a drink. All sounds within normal behaviour to me!

I think he was just being a decent chap by coming out to your car and giving you a hug when you left. Being marched out the office clutching a box of your belongings, in tears, is pretty brutal especially as you had presumably been a liked and respected member of the team before. He probably just didn't want you to feel like you were on your own or no one cared. Which was nice really but it seems didn't indicate a romantic interest.

Yes I wondered if he was seeing someone. My suggestion of a drink was framed to be friendly rather than romantic. I said "do you want to grab a drink with me".

@Sandra1984 that's some fair points but I'm unlikely to need his expertise or help going forward and he has suggested getting a drink in the past and there's been a hug and some gentle flirting so I don't think I've been inappropriate.

The blocking could be dramatic but he's taken up a lot of headspace and as he'd said "yes but in the summer" I wanted to show I'm not an option and remove that element of hope / curiosity given that it'sbeen 3.5 months since he first asked me for a drink. We also arranged to meet one Friday and he cancelled abruptly with no real explanation.

If he can't find 90 minutes in the next 2 or 3 weeks for a pint then I very much hope by summer to be frying other fish!!

Emotional masochist...maybe in this instance. He seemed like quite the catch and I arguably should have given up on it earlier but I guess it wasn't til yesterday I had the complete clarity that he was just going to mess me around for as long as I let him.

I am still gobsmacked at the reference to his son doing a levels as a reason he can't meet......

I know it’s laughable really.

Almost as if you asked him if to sell his possessions and go back packing in the Himalayas for 6 months.

Op, a thought has occurred to me. Had you confided in this guy about the new job and he told the higher ups and that is how they found out, or had an inkling, which resulted in the ignoble being marched out of the building? With the guy following you out to give you a final post-betrayal Judas hug? It would explain his bizarre behavior throughout this mini drama.

@MysteryBelle you are one very insightful woman.

He actually did something along these lines but even worse....

The hug was a sort of Judas hug and I suspect the suggestion of drinks was an attempt to look like a good guy.

However since then he has also done something of a huge professional favour for me....at which point I thought I could overlook his professional betrayal

Hence when I suggested the drink yesterday I said "to show there are no hard feelings"

He replied that there were no hard feelings "I Promise"

This got my back up as if anyone has hard feelings it should be me!!!

He really just has no consideration of me at all. And with the new job and a lot of other nice developments in my life recently, the idea that I'd still give him my time in 'summer' is quite presumptuous.

He ticked a lot of boxes but he treated me like a worm. I don't stand for that with anyone else so given my one doubt was that he had to wait til my period of non communication with colleagues had ended...well it has and he's now inventing another 3 month delay.

The man is 59. Yet he seems to think he has all the time in the world and everyone will dance to his tune.

My new job makes me now about as senior as he is, but considerably younger with more friends and interests.

Don't mind him saying he is too busy. Do mind him suggesting 'summer' whenever the fuck that is.

Sorry. Am grumpy.

Yeah I agree, it’s a bit arrogant to expect you to be hanging around for months on the off chance he’ll deign to meet for a beverage.

That and the Judas thing is really putting me off him!
Reminds me of Peep Show when Jeremy spelt out “Judas” in sausages on Mark’s bed.

Urgh lucky escape op.

Yes I think I was impressed by his skills at work and nice guy demeanour...on a personal level he's quite a jerk

Thanks everyone for cheering me up

I'm gobsmacked at the fact you're gobsmacked OP. This man doesn't and has never wanted to meet for a drink but you kept insisting in getting personal despite him giving you hints of all sorts that you decided to overlook and now he's having to resort to the lamest of excuses in order to politely get you of his back.

he might be gay, he might be emotionally handicapped or he might not be into you (besides the friendly colleague relationship), just let him go and move on to greener pastures.

I’m sure the new job will take your mind off this gardening leave saga and he’ll be a distant memory soon!

Dont let it dent your confidence

Good luck 🍀

@Meltedcheeses Ah, that makes sense (and thank you!) He sounds very immature and a climber with a ‘nice guy’ persona to disguise that he is just a tattletale in order to pander to the higher ups 😀There are people like him in every company! That may be his most marketable skill. I think you did the right thing in blocking him. He’s untrustworthy on top of everything else.

Oh do one Sandra. He's the one who first suggested we go for a drink entirely unprompted.

And Sandra he's the one who the Monday after I left suggested we meet to hand over some files then cancelled on the day.

And I've not texted or emailed him on anything other than work matters for three months and that a handful of times and not at all for three weeks.

I've hardly been on his back and it's so unhelpful to either intentionally or otherwise rewrite a story to allow you to bang your drum for whatever your issue is.

@Meltedcheeses “I have hinted twice at meeting up and he's not replied to those messages. At other points I've been quite brusque (as was trying to move on from this crush and obviously felt embarrassed he'd not responded to hints to meet up...well on one occasion I did more than hint I said if you want to get that drink you know I'll be there. He didn't even reply. The complete cringe). “

“Then in the interim he's shown no warmth or friendliness.”


“I’ve said basically yes I'm up for that drink and he didn't reply”.


“I could change my profile pic on WhatsApp to one of me in a bikini and take a gamble on him having a drink tonight, scrolling his phone and deciding g he has to text me?”

What other hints do you need OP? A banner? A flashy road sign?

To be fair @Sandra1984 op did say they had a cosy drink already in the pub where he was cuddling up to her or something.

I’m not buying the “Poor man being hounded for a date and too polite to say No “ narrative.

He gave completely mixed messages, blew hot and cold and then revealed op was planning to leave to senior management when she confided in him.

Hes a 58 year old grown man holding a management position. I’m sure he could explain he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with op without pussy footing about?

I quite admire op for taking the bull by the horns and asking Do you want to meet up or not because I don’t want to engage in all this manfuckery.

Thats my take, I could be wrong.

OhDoOneSandra is a great user name 😂btw (no offence Sandra)

Thank you @SmileyClare

Great post. Agree 100%

UPDATE.....I texted and asked him if he wanted to grab a drink.
He replied after about 2.5 hours saying he was very busy at work and his son was doing his A-levels "so yes but the summer would be better"
!!!!!!!
I replied and said I doubted I'd be bothered by summer and to leave it.

Lame. I thought this was a genuine poster. Nobody talks, however rude or inconsiderate they may be, chats like a) my bikini on Whatsapp or b) let's get for a drink this summer. Why would you be all !!! reading that if you genuinely fancied him.

There are probably genuine people asking for advice.

Regretfully wasted my time on this 💊

Hi @cassiatwenty

I don't know what it is up about my update that makes you think this isn't a real problem for me. I don't quite understand your point.

I can assure everyone this is (or was!) A real situation.

I'm happy to clarify anything for you Cassia but I don't understand what you're saying very clearly. Sorry.

The bikini joke seems to have thrown more than one poster...it's not my style nor would it be his. It was a joke on here.