Text out of the blue from former crush

[Meltedcheeses]

I was friendly with a male colleague (both single) and felt we were inching towards one of us suggesting a date. I like him.

I got offered a new job and was put on garden leave...marched out of office and told not to contact colleagues.

This colleague (call him Tom) and I have had a handful of emails from his work address to my personal one since...work related.

Tuesday night got a text at 9.30 from this colleague...had given up hope! It was brief and pleasant. Not flirty. I replied very briefly (Thank you) and the conversation stopped, ie he didn't reply.

Wednesday night I sent a similar text to his Tuesday one. He replied two words.

He didn't need to get in touch. And he could have emailed. And he could have done it in the daytime.

But then he doesn't seem interested in chatting.

We had had a strong connection. I'd written it off but him texting has put my head in a bit of spin.

Tell me I'm being stupid. I know I'm being stupid.

Why don’t you just stop messing around and ask him if he’s interested in meeting for dinner after the gardening leave. If he doesn’t reply or is noncommittal he’s not interested.

You are over thinking this. He likes you for sure.

I really do think he likes you. Who runs to someone’s car and hugs them if they don’t? You’ve absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. Just say do you fancy going for dinner on x date? If he says no, he says no. I bet he won’t. Keep us updated OP!

There are two options: A) you haven't a hope, he isn't interested and B) he likes you and is on for it. Either way i don't think you should leave it up to us mumsnetters to decide which it is. Ask him out and know for sure 😏

Good luck 🙂

OK. You need to take control of the situation and respond again with:

"I owe you one for doing that work. Did you enjoy it?"

"We should go for that drink and celebrate <new job role and positions.> A leaving drink." (Invite some mutual colleagues or friends along).

"I'm going such&such tomorrow, if you're interested in it feel free to join me at this time"

Go for it, OP! You've nothing to lose and if he says no you never have to see them again anyway!

Thanks lovelies.

I will not do anything til garden leave is over but will update then.

@MustWeDoThis he'd think I'd been hacked if I spoke like that! But I get the gist.

I will update but it will be up to a couple of weeks x

Id jus text him and say you’re a bit bored on gardening leave does he want to meet up for a coffee?

Realistically I don’t think there’s any need for him to text you and tell you about work he’s doing. There’s only one reason he did that, let’s face it. Just arrange a coffee date and see what happens.

You've got nothing to lose so go for it! My gut reaction to your post was aw, there is something there and I hope I'm right. Yes he did initiate the contact, is most likely missing you, but was awkward for him as you're on gardening leave and playing it safe. Also awkward for you, as these situations always are. Lots of good suggestions here, be lighthearted and see where it takes you. Fingers crossed for you, keep us posted! Xxx

I've just scrolled through all the replies to see if someone had asked this as I am also wondering wtf gardening leave is and didnt want to be the first one to ask🤣. Could do with a bit of gardening leave myself in the summer to do my garden!

treat em mean, keep em keen! treat em politely, agonise nightly!

what about, right, if you wait til the ten days has elapsed and send him a simple, well-chosen nude?

There’s a full moon coming up, OP, y not get out there and get creative?

Or go really bonkers and offer to buy him a little drinkie for all his hard graft 😜

Just read the hugging update. Fuck it, send nudes. Garden leave isn’t garden leave until you end up getting hauled up in front of a tribunal with a redacted photo of your tits being passed around

Send nudes? What does that mean? Sending pictures of herself naked? God no.

Hilarious 😂

🤣

Sorry but I can't get my hear around him hugging you as you went to your car, and suggesting a drink, then not following through when you suggested meeting up to him.

He sounds rather flaky to be honest.
When I read your first post, I assumed you were both in your 20s- not 50s!

Honestly, I'd step back. All this pussy-footing around is a bit pathetic from a man if he wants to see you. IF he does, he should just ask- it's not complicated.

I don't think your 'Thank you' reply to his work text was out of order. And only you know if texting on a work issue after 9pm is unusual in your business.

Faint heart and all that...if he's got a stirring in his loins, he ought to act on it.
I can't really believe that a 50+ year old man is too timid to ask you out given he mentioned it previously.

Thank you @AIBUNoNo .

This is what I think. He's not shy.

He blurted that out. We hugged.

Then in the interim he's shown no warmth or friendliness.

I've said basically yes I'm up for that drink and he didn't reply.

Yes my "thank you" was a little cool but that's after 3 months of nothing.

Fair enough there's garden leave but no one is going to fire him for texting "minute that garden leave is over we need coffee!".

My new job is a good one and I don't fancy starting it with any emotional baggage.

I'll see how I feel but last person to mention meeting up was me and I didn't even get a reply.

This. It looks like he tried to start a conversation then got shot down…

Or do this. In for a penny in for a pound….

😀

It’s where someone is leaving and instead of being asked to work their notice, they’re made to sit out that notice at home. It’s common in some industries or roles and is done so that the person leaving isn’t around being party to commercially sensitive information while they’re about to leave.

God you're both shit at flirting.

I'm imagining his message was something like "well here I am working late again having to finish YOUR job since you're no longer here to do it, damnit" sort of meant jokily and then you reply "thank you". Could have gone with "Haha sorry about that..." or "well I'm sure it won't be quite up to my usual standard but I expect you've done your best :) " or "well done! felt like that was never going to be completed" or anything. Even "thank you, how are you doing?"

And he's running out to ask you for a drink and you're hugging and then he's being all stiff and awkward too.

1. Please stop saying "thank you" in reply to his messages - if you MUST, please add something to the message that continues the conversation, like a question.
2. Sounds like things have gone mega awks, so my question is - are you likely to bump into him in future? If so - how soon? If not, what have you got to lose by messaging him saying "This gardening leave is doing my head in, it's so weird to be at home and I'm missing everyone from exworkplace. When can I drag you out for a coffee?"

This is just ridiculous. Word counting to make it 'equal'? FGS.

He contacted the OP, late at night, 3 months after he suggested meeting for a drink, when she was walked off the premises at work. (NOTE- he'd not followed up his suggestion in 3 months.)

His email was purely about work. Her reply was completely appropriate. she didn't 'cut him down' at all.

The ball is now in his court to ask her out.

I'll see how I feel but last person to mention meeting up was me and I didn't even get a reply.

Exactly.

Ignore the dafties here saying you should have 'out texted him' and been flirty!

If a man wants to see a woman they will walk over broken glass.

If they sit back and wait for the woman to do the running, they really aren't that bothered. Or are just a bit pathetic.

Thank you @AIBUNoNo

It is hard for everyone to understand the nuances of any stranger's post and I'm so grateful for everyone's thoughts

But knowing him, knowing our interactions before we said goodbye and knowing our interactions since I have made it clear on two occasions I miss being in touch and would like to get the drink

Either he doesn't want to or (possibly) he's following the letter of the protocol and won't suggest it til garden leave is over

Texting him will lead to no reply and probably me blocking him because my goodwill will then be exhausted

I'll wait and see but try and put it out of mind

But I shall update if anything happens I promise

Ok. But don't forget. You have officially made a promise to us now to update about Sweet Tom 😘

His behavior has changed. I’d wonder if someone at work told him a lie about you (about you leaving or something else) that changed how he felt about you.