Text out of the blue from former crush

[Meltedcheeses]

I was friendly with a male colleague (both single) and felt we were inching towards one of us suggesting a date. I like him.

I got offered a new job and was put on garden leave...marched out of office and told not to contact colleagues.

This colleague (call him Tom) and I have had a handful of emails from his work address to my personal one since...work related.

Tuesday night got a text at 9.30 from this colleague...had given up hope! It was brief and pleasant. Not flirty. I replied very briefly (Thank you) and the conversation stopped, ie he didn't reply.

Wednesday night I sent a similar text to his Tuesday one. He replied two words.

He didn't need to get in touch. And he could have emailed. And he could have done it in the daytime.

But then he doesn't seem interested in chatting.

We had had a strong connection. I'd written it off but him texting has put my head in a bit of spin.

Tell me I'm being stupid. I know I'm being stupid.

She already did that the following day and she got a two word response back from him.

You sound like teenagers OP, what age are you? why don’t you do the adult thing and invite this guy for a drink after the garden leave? Just text him and tell him “we should go out for a drink once I’m done with my leave” and see how he responds. If response is positive take the guy out for a drink, if response is still negative then dont do it. If you decide to emotiobally invest in this guy make sure he’s single and has no gf

I want @Tuilpmouse to write all my texts.

Your proposal is spot on.

However as someone pointed out I trued texting the following night. Six words communicating some v v good professional news I'd had.

He'd not been online for hours but responded straight away with Well Done

Then I said Thank you again

Whoever asked how old we are...we are 50s!!!!! Both very out of practice I think.

So I messed it up before I asked your guys advice and now feel must wait til garden leave is over before texting again.

The news I shared was an opportunity for him to ask questions but he didn't so I'm none too hopeful

On the other hand it's possible he's understood the big boss doesn't want me in contact with people...though that can't last forever

Oh I wish I had asked you all sooner

I just panic and say Thank you as it's polite and unrisky. But it isn't helping.

Well, on the one hand I’ve had colleagues who definitely don’t fancy me contact me after finishing projects we’ve both worked on after I have left a job - purely as they thought I would appreciate knowing the outcome and as an excuse to ask how I’m getting on in new job, so it might just be that.

If you felt chemistry though, I would leave it til end of garden leave then get in touch and say, I appreciated you letting me know about xxx, didn’t feel I could say much on garden leave but if you fancy a coffee sometime then let me know, would be good to catch up. Then if he agrees and you meet for coffee, see how that feels. You might relate better to each other in person! Good luck 😉

Thank you @Tallesttiptoes . I will follow this advice.

Sorry, i missed the bit about the extra texts.... I think the principle still applies though. Casually make contact, subtly engage him text "conversation", and if the vibes are good, ask him for a drink. If he doesn't respond engagingly to your messages or doesn't want to go for a drink, you've lost nothing as presumably you'll never have to see him again - leaving a job like this is ideal in that regard. On the other hand, if you don't follow this up, you may be passing by the chance of an amazing relationship!

Thank you as it's polite and unrisky. But it isn't helping.

Go on, take some risks on this - feel that adrenaline 😀. You won't regret it, however this turns out! But you will definitely regret doing nothing.

Just ask him out. What’s the worse that could happen. I was in the same boat with a colleague when bloody covid happened. We were so close to going on a date, then he got another role (same employer) during covid so I thought oh well. Then I saw him in the office in November, he was just sitting on our floor as he had a meeting in a neighbouring building. We had a chat and a hug, and within 2hrs he asked me if I fancied a drink! Still dating him now, it’s going well. I wish now I’d have just asked him out earlier myself - but I guess as we had to work on the same floor (not same team) it would have been awkward but we both knew we liked each other

I agree with PP. Your 2-word “thank you”response was woefully inadequate and shut him down. He’s taken his cue from you. But this can almost certainly be fixed. Send a chattier text now.

Sorry - I missed that you’d texted again. Still think it’s worth a punt. You’ve nothing to lose!

What a lovely story @Zanatdy

Happy for you

He is "bread crumbing" you - keeping you interested but cba to do anything, you're there unless something better comes along.

Ignore and find someone else.

Stop contacting colleagues if you were told not to. Then wait 10 days and go for it. I don’t see the doubt!

Ask him out 🤞🥸❤️

What the hell is gardening leave??

So he'll be aware there should be no contact whilst you 'garden' ?
if so, he's letting you know he's available after your ' gardening ' ends.
Well that's my opinion.
And stop saying thank you OP 😀

Would love to hear the outcome to this.
He sounds interested to me!
Go for it ❤️

I wouldn't wait until after gardening leave. I'd just say something along the lines of obviously you can't really speak at the moment but if he fancies a proper catch up over coffee after your leave then let you know! Then you've asked and it's down to him to follow up so you'll know for definite.

But then, I couldn't wait 10 days with so much uncertainty because I'm impatient!

Used in lots of industries. When someone gets a job with a rival they are removed from the premises so that they don't have a chance to take anything with them like client details or company intellectual property. They get paid to "do the garden" until their notice is over and they can go to the rival.

It sounds like you both like each other but both are not sure if the other one likes the other or not 😄 hard to tell from his text but equally your two word reply was not conducive to anything either although I don’t blame you for just saying that. Maybe try again and see what happens. Then give up 😂

Just ask him for a drink
What’s to lose ? If he says no 👎
youll be sad but at least you tried

Ah thank you.

Oh so many replies!!!

Thanks for all your thoughts.

To clarify a few points:

The contact we've had has been essential and allowed. We've not gone beyond that.

He ran to my car as I was being escorted off the premises and said we should go for a drink. I hugged him. He said, drive safe. I was crying.

He is more senior than me. We're both pretty senior.

I've reviewed all the emails we have had and I've been more inconsistent. I have hinted twice at meeting up and he's not replied to those messages. At other points I've been quite brusque (as was trying to move on from this crush and obviously felt embarrassed he'd not responded to hints to meet up...well on one occasion I did more than hint I said if you want to get that drink you know I'll be there. He didn't even reply. The complete cringe).

I cannot do anything I think til after the garden leave because it is the ONLY thing that could explain him liking me but not acting (all other evidence would point to it just being another human male who doesn't fancy me). So I need to know how he'll behave after that. And prepare that he's just not interested. And not text Thank You if he does contact me!!

A few days before I left he'd been sat at drinks with his arm around me telling me his life goals and asking me a lot of deep questions and also just being flirty and kind.

Oof.

He ran to my car as I was being escorted off the premises and said we should go for a drink. I hugged him. He said, drive safe. I was crying.

This is speaking volumes

But it was so long ago 😪