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Original poster

Text out of the blue from former crush

152 replies

Meltedcheeses · 02/03/2023 07:38

I was friendly with a male colleague (both single) and felt we were inching towards one of us suggesting a date. I like him.

I got offered a new job and was put on garden leave...marched out of office and told not to contact colleagues.

This colleague (call him Tom) and I have had a handful of emails from his work address to my personal one since...work related.

Tuesday night got a text at 9.30 from this colleague...had given up hope! It was brief and pleasant. Not flirty. I replied very briefly (Thank you) and the conversation stopped, ie he didn't reply.

Wednesday night I sent a similar text to his Tuesday one. He replied two words.

He didn't need to get in touch. And he could have emailed. And he could have done it in the daytime.

But then he doesn't seem interested in chatting.

We had had a strong connection. I'd written it off but him texting has put my head in a bit of spin.

Tell me I'm being stupid. I know I'm being stupid.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 03/03/2023 19:14

I read his text as him pointing out that he's been dumped your work since you left so it got to 9.30 before he finished for the day - hence the late text. I think he was after a " sorry you got left with that" reply rather than just a one word " thanks" you gave. That was also your chance to offer to take him for a drink as compensation.
When you get to day 10, perhaps a text acknowledging that he got left with extra work and offer to take him for a drink as compensation? If he doesn't respond to that, you know where you stand.

Fireflies23 · 03/03/2023 22:18

When you get to day 10 message him and ask if he would like that drink…,

Sandra1984 · 04/03/2023 14:19

Was he really interested in that drink but afraid of breaking garden leave protocol he would have told you “let’s wait till Garden leave us over and go for a drink” but he did not which makes me think of only two possibilities:1) he’s not interest in you or b) he may have some insider info on you that you may not be coming back after Garden leave. Or could be as simple as he has a girlfriend?

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 14:24

I'd text him the day your employment is officially over and say "as I'm allowed to talk to you again now, do you fancy that drink you mentioned?"

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 14:26

The real trick is to match his message. Sweet yet subtle

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 14:28

Try to be more subtle than "fancy a drink, guv 😛"

Sandra1984 · 04/03/2023 14:31

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 14:28

Try to be more subtle than "fancy a drink, guv 😛"

how about we leave all this wishy washy mumbo jumbo and get straight to the point; “fancy a shag?” 🤣😂🤣

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 14:43

Sandra1984 · 04/03/2023 14:31

how about we leave all this wishy washy mumbo jumbo and get straight to the point; “fancy a shag?” 🤣😂🤣

Show quote history

While that is certainly something to consider, I gather OP views Tom as planning something with him a bit long term.

Perhaps something real but not too much, like, I've been going through our team building photos last year, I had such fun working with you and Donna Jackson (and then send it Sunday, 9 PM, right before he goes to sleep)

Aprilx · 04/03/2023 14:52

You have directly asked him for a drink twice now and he hasn’t answered. I am not sure why gardening leave means he can’t go for a drink, but in any case he could still have replied to you. I’d just leave it to him now.

Shaunalee · 04/03/2023 14:54

Don't bloody do anything. If men are interested they'll tell you. Move on. Read The Rules.

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 14:59

Shaunalee · 04/03/2023 14:54

Don't bloody do anything. If men are interested they'll tell you. Move on. Read The Rules.

I suppose men don't need affection or guidance, and definitely not appreciation or compliments.

Though I agree, whatever you do OP, def don't get covered in blood.

Sandra1984 · 04/03/2023 15:12

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 14:59

I suppose men don't need affection or guidance, and definitely not appreciation or compliments.

Though I agree, whatever you do OP, def don't get covered in blood.

Show quote history

"The rules" is based on the very old fashioned concept that women are incredibly passive creatures desperately looking for a man to put a ring on our pinkie. We should show no initiative nor interest and expect men to take the lead in every move when looking for a serious relationship, when this doesn't happen we should back off and search for greener pastures. While I believe backing of is the right thing when the other person shows little interest (which I believe it's what's happening to the OP) there's nothing wrong in showing interest for a man, they are not psychics after all.

cassiatwenty · 04/03/2023 15:39

Oh, I never read the book.

I suppose things have changed since 1995. Women are allowed to have more agency.

I'm not entirely sure I'd want to be with a man in charge of everything, which entails having responsibility for your life and your choices. Surely men like to get gifts, I miss you texts as much as any of us do.

If I met someone fit like Tom, I'd rather show my appreciation either way. It doesn't cost her anything and he has been a good coworker.

Original poster
Meltedcheeses · 10/03/2023 13:31

I need help / a talking to.

How much of this is the tension created by being attracted to a colleague and feeling unable to act on it...followed by the tension of me not being allowed to contact former colleagues I don't know

The garden leave end date is a little confused...might have been this week...might be Monday.

I will contact him by text.

I am NOT suggesting a drink. He knows I want to.

I'll give it one last roll of the dice with low expectations

Need some excuse to contact him...can't think of anything.

Even contemplating doing the 'oops that was meant for someone else' thing. Pathetic.

I need to know.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 10/03/2023 13:48

I’m sorry you’re feeling so confused about this. It would be a relief to know one way or another instead of being in limbo, even if it is just closure!

Im hardly a relationship expert Hmm so feel free to reject my suggestions, but could you text something along the lines of:
”My leave is dragging a bit, looking forward to it ending! Just wondered how you’re all doing in the office? Thanks again for completing project “X” which I was working on”

Try to distract yourself as well so you’re not agonising over this. Whatever your age, these sorts of situations are always difficult to navigate x

GoldenCupidon · 10/03/2023 14:21

When does your new job start? Could message him then: "First day at X company today - seems nice but can't help missing the old team"

cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 14:24

GoldenCupidon · 10/03/2023 14:21

When does your new job start? Could message him then: "First day at X company today - seems nice but can't help missing the old team"

👌

Original poster
Meltedcheeses · 10/03/2023 14:47

These are all good suggestions. Thank you. You're all very kind.

In going to text him I've remembered I deleted his number...to stop me texting him.

So now I literally can't text him.

I am useless.

Torn between my heart and my pride I have now no way to do this.

Some of us deserve to die alone 😪

OP posts:
Rinkydinkydoodle · 10/03/2023 15:25

Old phone bill? Or was it only WhatsApp?

Original poster
Meltedcheeses · 10/03/2023 15:27

It was only on WhatsApp.....and something has just happened which is quite funny and he'd appreciate.....

I thought at the back of my mind it would be on his email footer but it isn't

What a prat.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 10/03/2023 15:31

Obviously not meant to be then!

GoldenCupidon · 10/03/2023 15:32

I mean this kindly but you're an idiot! :)

You can email him on his work email and explain that your phone seems to have gone mad and deleted some numbers including his, there's something funny you want to send him.

Sandra1984 · 10/03/2023 15:36

You already know this man is not up for anything beyond work stuff as he rebuffed the “let’s meet for a drink” bit, so you’re left with a friendly colleague and nothing more, accept it and move on for what it is. Don’t stress yourself and keep it easy breezy. If you keep pushing your personal agenda it’s going to get akward and you might loose a friendly colleague.

Original poster
Meltedcheeses · 10/03/2023 15:39

I am an idiot! I agree!

He's always a bit cagey on email.

I'm torn. I could email but then if he's bit cold I'll put it down to the Big Brother factor.

The coolest thing happened and he'd find it amusing and would open up a nice conversation.

This is called self-sabotage or fate not sure which

Shall I just email?

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 10/03/2023 15:40

You don't deserve to die alone, come on

Just be honest, like, hey I was going through my mobile and lost a few numbers by accident (it's the truth) and then what @GoldenCupidon suggested

"First day at X company today - seems nice but can't help missing the old team, how are things? I hope you're doing good."

We regret things more we didn't do rather things we did do

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