Does he still love her?

[Efhswkr]

I’ve been with my DP for almost a year and a half. We are happy together there’s just one issue…his ex.

background:

Me and DP started dating what I believed to be two years after his and his ex separated. However, I recently found out that it was only actually weeks after they last slept together. They kept apparently meeting up and sleeping together after their breakup and once he got with me this ended. His ex does also have a partner now.

DP and his ex are going through some legal processes as the minute as they are trying to sell their house and it’s not selling/buyers keep dropping out.


The issue is they keep what I feel like coming up with excuses to talk to each other. DP and ex have been having zoom calls the two of them to sort through “legal” stuff even though they have solicitors and there’s no need too. He says it’s just to make things more amicable. They’ve had about six of these calls now. He always asks me to go upstairs during these calls or will have them at work. Him and his ex were together 5 years.

Now, they’ve got to meet to sign some document. I did look at his emails and saw that she had suggested they do it via post, she signs it and then he signs it etc rather than meet and DP had replied that he would like to meet with her as he felt they’ve both changed the past few years, are in better places and it would be good to get it signed and sorted in person- and she’s now agreed. He even offered to meet her on zoom or give her a call if she wanted to talk again before they met as he understands they’ll be “anxious” to see each other.

There was also some emails where he’d helped her with a work project (they both are the same industry). I only saw these emails this morning so he doesn’t know I’ve read them yet.

I just feel sort of like shit. He tells me that nothing is untoward, they both have partners and he loves me, and it’s just a polite and kind way of sorting things amicably but they have no kids and I sort of expected it to be clean cut no contact again or contact just through solicitors.

I just don’t know what to make of it all. The rest of our relationship is really happy. I’m pretty sure they’ve not seen each other as she’s up in Scotland and we are in the south west- so it’s not like he’s been sneaking off to see her but it’s just so hard

Does anyone have any advice?

[OrlandointheWilderness]

Why did they break up? Who instigated the split?

[Efhswkr]

@OrlandointheWilderness

Why did they break up? Who instigated the split?

He instigated it as he said he fell out of love with her and that she caused drama a lot for him. I’ve never met her so tried not to judge but I’ve taken his word for that.

[Spidermama]

Wow! That's a very interesting thread for me to read. I broke up with my dh four years ago when I fell in love with a woman. We have children together (mostly grown up) and we will soon be putting our house on the market. We still live together in different rooms and share friendship groups while respecting each others romantic independence.
We have shared a life together for so long and we will ALWAYS have a special place in each others hearts. And that's the way it should be. I love him as I love my brother or mum, the romance went a long time ago. I support his new relationships fully as I love him and I want him to be happy.
I find it very sad that some new partners seem to want their exes to have acrimonious splits. When one considers that almost half of marriages break up, it's time to change the narrative. Relationships don't fail. They evolve.
Your best chance of keeping this relationship is to respect his other relationships and to trust him. If you don't trust him, you both need to work on that. But please don't expect him to bury his feelings for others. That's painful for them, and could ultimately backfire.

He and I are always praised for the smooth and loving way we have extracted avoiding drama and maintaining affection. I wish more relationships would evolve this way as it would save a lot of pain and hardship.

[shropshire11]

I can understand why you're uncomfortable, but he has chosen to be with you, not her. In my view it's admirable to end a relationship with no hard feelings and a sense of mutual respect. To many people this would represent maturity.

[SunshineAndFizz]

I'd feel funny about it too. Not that it sounds like he's cheating, but I would feel uncomfortable at all the excuses to chat/see her when there's no need.

Can't really explain why, plenty of exes are friends, but I think I'm more 'traditional' and think exes should stay in the past (obviously unless there's kids).

[SpyouttheLand]

He lied to you about when they really split and now you feel insecure because of his current behaviour and because you know he lies.

Is that the life you want for yourself?

[supercali77]

Tbh I don't blame you for being upset. As far as you were concerned he was 2 years out of a ltr, plenty of time for dust to settle. Except he wasn't, and he didn't tell you that. Now a year and a half in they're wanting to meet up to sign some paper. It's not cheating but it's like the last stage of a break up is happening in the middle of your own relationship which probably just feels a bit bloody weird

[Watchkeys]

If you feel uncomfortable, tell him. If he doesn't change his behaviour, then the behaviour is more important to him than you feeling comfortable.

Go from there.

[PennyForearm]

I would not feel comfortable about any of this.

He started your relationship on a lie (about when they split/last slept together) and it sounds like his ex wasn't that bothered about meeting in person to sort this paperwork, it's all him.

It'll be interesting to see how and where he proposes to meet up with her given that they live at opposite ends of the UK, especially whether this will necessitate him having an overnight stay somewhere.

[Sickofcoughing]

Oh this is a tough one. He hasn't done much wrong so in one way it would be a shame to let this get in the way of your own relationship if it's happy. But is it really and truly happy - do you genuinely feel loved and like his chosen one?

I know in a past relationship I would have said yes I do but actually I felt that yes I should but I don't.

Bottom line - you're either happy with him or you're not. Anxious, insecure and uneasy is not happy.

[Jooliusreezer]

His behaviour is weird.

And this:

They’ve had about six of these calls now. He always asks me to go upstairs during these calls

is fucking outrageous.

[Efhswkr]

Thanks all. It’s a bit of a grey area isn’t it? I know he loves me and this ex have her own partner I think what made me nervous was his sort of insistence that they meet up- even going as far to soothe her concerns so she’d meet up with him. He asked her in the email “to not write off the idea of seeing him and to please consider it, and that he would understand if not but would like too”

I sort of expected him to accept that she didn’t want to meet and do it via post, be relieved and leave it at that. I don’t know, I shamefully do not have any long term exes with ties so I can’t look at this from a similar perspective he is.

[B1rd]

You sound like my ExH's partner!

I was with my ExH for 12 years and we have a DD together. We get on in a similar way to @Spidermama and her ex. We spent so long together that I genuinely still love him (as a brother) and would do anything to help him out.

My exH's partner really struggles with our relationship because we are still able to make each other laugh over text messages and we get on well for our DD's sake.

They recently split because of our relationship due to her jealousy. I have bought her presents for Christmas and token presents for Mothers day from our DD and tried to welcome her from afar.

I do not wish to have him back in my life as we were the wrong fit. But it is important to have a mature relationship post breakup, in my case for our DD's sake.

Exes aren't always the issue. Maybe change your point of view and look at the situation differently.

[Sellsellseller]

You have to go upstairs!! Wtf!
Hiding in plain sight comes to mind.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Not trusting someone to the extent you are reading his emails
its no way to live

you are going to have to discuss it with him

i dated someone who was very incomplete about how his ex and even that was messy

again you have to talk and tell him what you know
and if it’s not working for you
that’s ok x

[Jooliusreezer]

@B1rd

You sound like my ExH's partner!

I was with my ExH for 12 years and we have a DD together. We get on in a similar way to @Spidermama and her ex. We spent so long together that I genuinely still love him (as a brother) and would do anything to help him out.

My exH's partner really struggles with our relationship because we are still able to make each other laugh over text messages and we get on well for our DD's sake.

They recently split because of our relationship due to her jealousy. I have bought her presents for Christmas and token presents for Mothers day from our DD and tried to welcome her from afar.

I do not wish to have him back in my life as we were the wrong fit. But it is important to have a mature relationship post breakup, in my case for our DD's sake.

Exes aren't always the issue. Maybe change your point of view and look at the situation differently.

Maybe if your ex sends her upstairs whenever he spoke to you like this guy has, it would be understandable.

[eyeoresnewhome]

I am feeling you need to get over this. I met someone else and left my then SH to be with him.

We have 3 children together. We speak most days despite being divorced for o er a decade .. I love him like a brother .. he is extremely special to me and me to him. We are both remarried.. he now lives on the other side of the world but we will be forever linked through our children....

If I had wanted to be with him I would never have divorced him.. luckily my DH knows this and is an actual grown up adult male .. and is so thankful that there is no hostility.. as are our kids .. my best mate has a similar set up and even had her ex DH and wife over for Xmas ... it makes for very very sorted kids

[FictionalCharacter]

It wasn’t sounding too terrible until this:
”They’ve had about six of these calls now. He always asks me to go upstairs during these calls or will have them at work.”

Why exactly can’t you be there while they discuss “legal stuff”? That’s quite dull, neutral subject matter isn’t it? And why the hell can’t HE leave the room instead of dismissing you? No fucking way would I accept a partner of mine sending me away while he talks to his ex.

[Ladybyrd]

I would feel very unfunny about it. His behaviour isn't weird. It's attention seeking and drama promoting, and designed, consciously or not, to boost self confidence while lowering yours.

"Do go upstairs while I Zoom my ex to talk about our important financial ties that prevent me having a financial future with you."

My partner owned a house with his ex for 4 years while we were together. It irritated me, but it would have made bad financial sense for them to sell when they split up. She eventually pooled with her daughter and bought his share. It is not a good idea to be financially involved with an ex years later. As he pointed out to her I the end, he has his own business and could secure debt against the house. It was all settled amicably via solicitors and the courts occasional phonecall text. Not Zoom.

I don't think she's the drama queen here.

[Ladybyrd]

Not the courts! Ocassional calls/texts.

[HappyAxolotl]

It's possible that the house sale is stirring up all sorts of emotions in the ex-couple. It was their home while they were together and even though they moved out and apart, the house is still a legal link between them. Selling it will be the final stage of the breakup for them. They are probably looking back on the relationship with rose-tinted glasses and wondering what could have been...

But back in reality, they aren't treating you fairly. Whether they are crossing the line into cheating or not, their behaviour looks shady and is upsetting you.

You need to talk to your partner and tell him how you are feeling and what you want from him going forward. Him to tell you when he has been talking to his ex? To include you in the chats sometimes? To spend less time talking to his ex?

[Emmamoo89]

That would make me uncomfortable and to tell you to go upstairs. I'd tell him to fuck off

[Quitelikeit]

This is not right and your gut is telling you that.

For those Pps who are saying it’s brotherly love etc what nonsense there’s no kids here and it was five years!!!

The fact she lives so far away and is coming to meet to sign forms how ridiculous?!?!

The solicitor deals with this during a house sale or easily could.

If I was you I would insist that these forms are sent by post

Do I think he holds a torch for her?!?! Absolutely because otherwise he would be doing none of this ridiculous stuff.

The truth is in his actions not his words

Maybe she dumped him

[Efhswkr]

It doesn’t feel like brotherly love to be honest. I don’t think he views her in a sisterly way at all and they don’t have children together.

I just mainly don’t understand why he’s going out of his way to help her with her work projects and is so desperate to see her when it could be done via post:

However I am trying to read your responses with an open mind as some have said it does seem normal.