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Original poster

Taking care of grandchildren. Need advise please

128 replies

HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 21:00

My daughter landed a job while on her maternity leave, a nice job which would take her to a new level in her field. As the nursery is unable to take the little one, 9 months, until August the earliest they asked me to help take care of GS from 8am till 5pm Mon to Fri. This I have done for all of February apart from this week where her SM has flown over from Spain to assist.

My problem is my DD and her DP have not arranged any care from May to August so I know they will ask me to help for 45 hours a week. I want to say this does not suit me as I am teaching in the evening 2x a week and work part time in the mornings from April. I get told off like a 5 year old if I put my foot down gently and say I cannot do this. Also, I suffer with a neurological disorder which is difficult to manage with a little baby on my hip.

Those of you with grandmothers, are you expecting so much help with the GC?

As much as I like to help and love my GC, I just feel its a lot, and have a hard time getting this across to them.

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

Bellybobs · 26/02/2023 21:03

I think that is taking the piss.. just say no

Summerbreeze111 · 26/02/2023 21:03

I think 45 hours is ridiculous... my parents do 7 hours a week, and I wouldnt expect them to do anymore, we are so grateful as it is x

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:04

The telling you off like a 5 year old is bang out of order though.
Does your DD know you're going to be teaching? I'd perhaps chat to her about how excited you are for it? Lightly slip into conversation the months that you'll be teaching from - to. Then when/if she mentions childcare, you can say well you knew I'm teaching! We've chatted about it X times

SwimmingFree · 26/02/2023 21:05

I would never expect my mum to have my kids for 45 hours a week! That's a full time job! My mum has mine 1 day plus some occasional sleepovers and days.

I think you need to say that you love having the GCs but it's too much for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 21:05

I get told off like a 5 year old if I put my foot down gently and say I cannot do this.

What the hell? Some way to behave towards the unpaid full time help, never mind her actual mother.

Also, I suffer with a neurological disorder which is difficult to manage with a little baby on my hip.

And they don’t seem to care about your well-being at all. Unpleasant.

This is their child, there will be other nurseries/childminders/nannies. You’re not obliged to take on/continue with a full time job you never asked for, plus your own paid employment and a health condition. Cheeky fuckers.

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:05

Summerbreeze111 · 26/02/2023 21:03

I think 45 hours is ridiculous... my parents do 7 hours a week, and I wouldnt expect them to do anymore, we are so grateful as it is x

I agree, 45 hours is mental. Poor kids as well. Imagine being away from home for those hours per week as a kid 😳

Springisclose · 26/02/2023 21:05

Why not a nanny or childminder?
Child care is hard work. And gently it’s not your responsibility as the GM. It’s hers and her husbands as the parents of the child. And I’m a Mum of 2.

toomuchlaundry · 26/02/2023 21:06

@SchoolTripDrama do you consider your mother at all when expecting her to look after your DC? Assume she doesn’t work

Original poster
HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 21:06

@SchoolTripDrama I do think having your mum on tap is great if she does not work herself, but I do and so this is a lot. 45 hours is not something that is normal, that I know. Maybe in some cultures but not where I am from, and as a single older woman who has to work too I find it rather cheeky to expect it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2023 21:06

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

How many people do you know where one grandparent does full time childcare like this? Really? Don’t you know anyone who has grandkids and also works?

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 26/02/2023 21:07

Not it’s not normal. 45 hours a week is a huge commitment. you need .to tell them it’s too much and give them some time to find an alternative for at least part of the week. Lots of childminders will have some days a week available .

Rosafiona · 26/02/2023 21:07

My parents very very kindly do four hours a week. I am really grateful for this, as they don't owe us any free childcare - it was our choice to have children, not theirs.

Your daughter should expect zero help from you (unless you agreed X number of hours prior to her getting pregnant). If you want to help, that's great, but you set the number of hours. If she pushes you to do more, she is a bully, and you really need to stand up to her.

Dillydallydilly · 26/02/2023 21:07

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:05

I agree, 45 hours is mental. Poor kids as well. Imagine being away from home for those hours per week as a kid 😳

Show quote history

Lots of kids are, people have to work.

Dillydallydilly · 26/02/2023 21:07

They’re taking the piss, OP.

VickerishAllsort · 26/02/2023 21:08

I looked after dgc 2 days a week, and although I love them with all my heart, that was more than enough. Parenting, which is what you'll be doing, is a young person's game.
Your dd is very unreasonable to expect you to cover for her full time, and you must, if you can, bit the bullet and be firm about what you are prepared to do.
You have had your stint at parenting and have no obligation over and above what you are comfortable with.
I understand how hard it is though, as your first instinct as a good mother is to be as helpful as possible, but please not at the expense of your own wellbeing.

qwertykeyboards · 26/02/2023 21:08

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

Are you actually joking? 45 hours a week of free childcare? Absolutely not normal in the slightest, especially given OP has her own job and a neurological disorder.

Original poster
HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 21:08

@Springisclose I have suggested a childminder and they are on a waiting list, but seems they are not pressing it as they have had full access to me. But now that I have this underlying health issue as well its been extra challening. Just wanted to hair the general what parents expect and get.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 26/02/2023 21:09

I look after my two grandsons two days a week. Ages 4 and 15 months. It's hard work as they are very active and I'm exhausted at night. I think you will have to tell them sooner rather than later that it's too much for you. Would you want to look after them one or two days or not at all? I'm happy with the two day commitment but you might not be. Tell them now so they can make childcare arrangements. Be clear that you physically can't do it and have something planned for May so they can't claim you aren't doing anything anyway.

Turnipworkharder · 26/02/2023 21:09

That's ridiculous you're probably spending more time with your gc than the parents.

Hopefully they won't start the emotional blackmail around withholding seeing gc if you don't do as they say

Fundays12 · 26/02/2023 21:10

I am not a grandparent but would never expect anyone to have my child that long. I also know my mum would tell me no if I did ask. I can only think of one grandparent who would do that but only then for her favourite family members child but she spends more time with this child than the parents do. I would be making lots of plans and making it clear it's far to much for you.

Twinedpeaks · 26/02/2023 21:10

I agree, 45 hours is mental. Poor kids as well. Imagine being away from home for those hours per week as a kid 😳

You mean like any child in FT childcare?

justasmalltownmum · 26/02/2023 21:10

How comes they can't find a nursery to take DC?

category12 · 26/02/2023 21:10

It's OK to say "no" or to say "yes but I can only manage this much".

And it's not OK for them to ignore you or disrespect you.

Where is her DP in this? Could he condense his hours and do some of the childcare? What about his parents/relatives?

WandaWonder · 26/02/2023 21:11

I would make it clear now what you are willing to do or not

There is grandparents helping out and there is being used for childcare

And there is also 'we will jusy have kids and let the grandparents be the nanny'

Maybe people should think childcare before having children

Then if grandparents say no it is 'they are being so unfair you would think they want to have their grandchildren 5 days a week because we can't afford childcare so we are having another baby'

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