Taking care of grandchildren. Need advise please

[HowRatherGolly]

My daughter landed a job while on her maternity leave, a nice job which would take her to a new level in her field. As the nursery is unable to take the little one, 9 months, until August the earliest they asked me to help take care of GS from 8am till 5pm Mon to Fri. This I have done for all of February apart from this week where her SM has flown over from Spain to assist.

My problem is my DD and her DP have not arranged any care from May to August so I know they will ask me to help for 45 hours a week. I want to say this does not suit me as I am teaching in the evening 2x a week and work part time in the mornings from April. I get told off like a 5 year old if I put my foot down gently and say I cannot do this. Also, I suffer with a neurological disorder which is difficult to manage with a little baby on my hip.

Those of you with grandmothers, are you expecting so much help with the GC?

As much as I like to help and love my GC, I just feel its a lot, and have a hard time getting this across to them.

Set your boundaries with dd and her dp. Tell them how much you can realistically have your gc for due to your health and commitments. Be firm and don't bow to guilt tripping. They will have to sort out a child minder for the remaining time. They are currently taking the piss.

My DM stepped in on occasion when DD was sick on the way to nursery, giving me time to ask work for time off. I was extremely grateful and wouldn't have dreamed of asking for any more.

It's far from normal. I have only ever met one grandparent that does that or is expected too as most parents know it's too much.

full time 5 days a week for months, when she’s sick and supposed to be doing her own job?

If you expect that you’re a proper CF.

Bloody hell I wouldn’t dream of asking my mum for anything like this level of childcare, she’s got her own life to lead. I don’t know any grandparents who do full time childcare for the grandchildren.
Let them know (firmly) what you’re willing and able to do. The rest is up to them.

OP you mention May - what was the original agreement, were they expecting you to have DGS until august? Not that means you should feel beholden, just wondering how this arose?

Sounds like your daughter is taking the piss but you say in your OP that they asked...

Sounds like you need to communicate very clearly how much you are prepared to do. 45 hrs per week from Feb to Aug is a huge ask but what did you actually say when asked?

Since you're working part-time, you'll have to tell them they need to find an alternative.

I would honestly lie and pretend you'll be working more hours than you really are.

Neither of my parents looked after my children. We lived too far away. But even if we didn’t I wouldn’t have asked. They are my children - my and DHs responsibility.
But either way 45 hours a week is far too much.
I have no plans to care for my grandchildren - if and when they come. I love my DC very much. But when the DC are adults then it’s time for me to explore my interests. Occasional babysitting yes I would do. Possibly I would do one morning/afternoon a week. But nothing like being a childminder nanny. That’s not what GPS are for.

So your basically being asked to be the child's parent!

My mum would always help out if I needed her to but 45 hours a week is taking the piss. You're doing her a favour.

My parents almost always say yes to my childcare requests and will inconvenience themselves to do so. As a result, I am very careful not to ask too much of them.

OP, you need to be explicit about what you are able to offer. They will have to explore other options. You will make yourself ill doing this for so long.

@HowRatherGolly
As someone who has no family help at all - my mother has passed away and partners Mum is too poorly and too far away to assist in gobsmacked 😶

Just say no I would - the longer you facilitate this the worse it'll get

SchoolTripDrama Poor kids as well. Imagine being away from home for those hours per week as a kid.
Bit judgemental. While I agree with you that 45 hours a week is far too much to expect of a grandparent, this is normal for many children whose parents work full time Mon-Fri office hours.

Do you actually want to help? You owe them absolutely nothing! But if you would actually want to do a day a week, or whatever, offer them that and that only. Anything you offer is a favour and should be accepted graciously. They need you more than you need them. If they want to cut off their noses so spite their faces, then so be it. They sound pretty awful.

The number of hours they are demanding is unacceptable; but in top of that, the way they speak to you is beyond belief and totally out of order. I cannot imagine how you bite your tongue!

I too am a grandmother and do - and have done - a fair bit of child care. But ........ it has always been on my terms, and my DDs have no problem about that; they would not expect it to be otherwise.

Two of my GC have come to me two days a week since about 9 months; but this started when there was just one of them and when the second came along I said I could not manage both together, as I was also nursing a sick husband, so I had one on one day and the other on another. It meant that they had to find alternative care for each on one day a week, but there were no protests, just total understanding and gratitude for what I was able to give.

Now that they are all at school, I do the pick-up once a week, give them tea and look after them till after work. And of course I help with all of my GC on an ad hoc basis where needed.

There are two differences: my AC treat me with respect and are polite, and they recognise that I have a life too of which my family are just one part.

I don't know how you bear this attitude - I cannot imagine how I might deal with it. I am sorry you are faced with this situation.

Far too much to expect!

Thank you everyone. I have gently told my DD that I will be teaching in the evening 2x weekly and that I will be working part time in the mornings from April. Her DP is going to be taking some maternity leave, its allowed where we live, but he is doing this reluctantly. My DD gets upset easily if things don't go smoothy which I understand as both GC are close in age so things are tough at present. Just needed others view on this.

They’re being cheeky. Just say no. You’re under no obligation to childmind for them.

You are going to have to have a conversation spelling out what you are prepared to do.
Don't try to fudge it.
Don't stretch yourself too thinly.
Be upfront and honest.
Prioritise your health and finances- that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Think of it as investing in your future - and in your ongoing relationship with your daughter. Clarity now will save bother all round.

I get precisely zero hours help from my mum and she doesn't work.
I'd absolutely love a few hours a week help but it's never going to happen.

OP, your daughter is taking the piss though. 45 hours even if you're not working is far too much to ask of you.

It may be different as I’m a SAHM but my ds is 18 months old tomorrow and he’s never been left with either set of grandparents and unless there’s some emergency he won’t be any time soon 🤷‍♀️ I chose to have a child so it is my responsibility to look after him and I wouldn’t want to have it any other way. Their child is their responsibility, not yours. If they need childcare then they need to pay for it not just expect you to do their job for them 🙈

@justasmalltownmum they are on a waiting list, and it seems they will not get a place until August. So in the meantime they were going to chance it with me taking February and their Dad taking March, April and May but from June until August they will not have an alternative. We currently live in Scandinavia for context. So not England as we moved a year ago.

But they don't have full access to you. You need to be very very clear about what you can do. No 'maybe I can manage a bit more if you get really stuck', just I can do Monday and Friday and that's it, or whatever you can do.

You need to push them to find something else. They probably don’t want their child to be going to different people and chopping and changing but I don’t see any alternative. They are asking you for really excessive hours here. They need to urgently look for any other cover. Or can other family members help? It might be that they are desperate, if there’s no childcare available and they can’t afford bills if they don’t work. This is a the reality for some families at the moment. At least you know this is a temporary until the childcare place in September but still you need to push them to find other options. This is far too much for one person.