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Original poster

Taking care of grandchildren. Need advise please

128 replies

HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 21:00

My daughter landed a job while on her maternity leave, a nice job which would take her to a new level in her field. As the nursery is unable to take the little one, 9 months, until August the earliest they asked me to help take care of GS from 8am till 5pm Mon to Fri. This I have done for all of February apart from this week where her SM has flown over from Spain to assist.

My problem is my DD and her DP have not arranged any care from May to August so I know they will ask me to help for 45 hours a week. I want to say this does not suit me as I am teaching in the evening 2x a week and work part time in the mornings from April. I get told off like a 5 year old if I put my foot down gently and say I cannot do this. Also, I suffer with a neurological disorder which is difficult to manage with a little baby on my hip.

Those of you with grandmothers, are you expecting so much help with the GC?

As much as I like to help and love my GC, I just feel its a lot, and have a hard time getting this across to them.

OP posts:
DesertRose64 · 26/02/2023 21:21

Op, I’m in my mid 60’s and I’m a hands on granny to my many grandchildren who’re a wide variety of ages. Im happy to be a spare pair of hands for my children and children in law and there isn’t a week goes by when I’m not grannying at least 5 days a week even if it’s just school pick ups. Two of my grandchildren in particular spend a lot of time with me and I regularly have them for a week or two of childcare that can also involve me doing a sleepover at their house due to their parents work. I couldn’t do it for weeks and weeks at a time the way it’s hoped you’ll be doing because it would exhaust me. But that said I wouldn’t be asked and my co granny would step in.

Just know that you’re not being unreasonable and your daughter and son in law need to be told - not that you have to have a falling out about it though.

I love being a granny and consider that after the parents then grandparents and extended family are, in the correct circumstances, best placed to look after the children in the family. But again - 45 hours a week for a few months would be the end of me.

knittingaddict · 26/02/2023 21:26

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

Full time hours? If so, wow.

afinishedkiss · 26/02/2023 21:26

No. Just no. They are taking full advantage of you OP. Let your daughter get her knickers in a twist. Say no!! God the entitlement!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 26/02/2023 21:27

That’s far too much, even if my mum wanted to I wouldn’t let that happen she would be exhausted. I’d say max three days per week, she needs to find alternative childcare.

Geppili · 26/02/2023 21:28

Please say they pay you!

knittingaddict · 26/02/2023 21:29

HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 21:06

@SchoolTripDrama I do think having your mum on tap is great if she does not work herself, but I do and so this is a lot. 45 hours is not something that is normal, that I know. Maybe in some cultures but not where I am from, and as a single older woman who has to work too I find it rather cheeky to expect it.

I'm a grandmother, don't work and I think 45 hours a week is ridiculous. How dare they.

I've done a lot in the past, but no where near that amount. If I did I would be exhausted, miserable and resentful. It's too much.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 26/02/2023 21:31

My parents took ours for two days a week, and we considered ourselves extremely lucky. We were also very flexible about it; if they had appointments we'd take time off work. They also did the occasional ad hoc day if the kids were sick on creche days.

You are under no obligation to provide your daughter with free childcare. It's their responsibility, and should have been considered before they made the decision to have kids. You need to take a step back and live your own life.

Mustgetorganised · 26/02/2023 21:34

This is not fair on you. My mother would always do whatever she could to help me with childcare, but as a previous poster has said, this means I have to be careful not to ask too much of her..

I realise it is stressful to have to organise childcare unexpectedly, and we have been in a similar position ourselves, but your daughter needs to look at alterntiave arrangements. Maybe a different nursery, a childminder or a nanny? If you felt able to take your DC for some days, maybe they could afford a nanny for the other days (more expensive than nursery but if they are not paying for all days as you are covering a few days then it would be less expensive). Otherwise they really should look at alterntiave arrangements like a childminder or taking them to a different nursery.

It is your decision, but you shouldn't have to risk your job or put your health at risk. You do need to communicate any concerns you have to your daughter though. Maybe she is too caught up in her new job and being a new mim to realise how much she is asking of you, but it does not sound fair on you.

Zanatdy · 26/02/2023 21:36

I’d never dream of asking a parent to do that much. I paid for childcare as my parents didn’t want to do 5 days a week and who could blame them. They loved their GC and happy to babysit some evenings now and then but all day every day, not fair

Rellywobble · 26/02/2023 21:38

I look after grandchild every Friday pm and overnight. I have had grandchild this week from 1pm Friday to 4pm Sunday….am absolutely bloody knackered. Am in late 50s and also work two days a week ! My daughter is truly grateful but am not sure if I can do it again! A three year old is bloody hard work mentally and physically

Theoscargoesto · 26/02/2023 21:40

I’m a granny. I love the kids they are brilliant, huge fun and great to have around. But they are not my kids. I did not choose to have them. So if I choose to look after them, I expect to be thanked and respected for what I DO do, not criticised for what I decline.

I have had the children for a fixed (and I mean, A-one and only one) day a week. Lovely as it was, it was really restrictive for me. So I only did it for a couple of years and I refused to do more/repeat it. I’m retired but I have my own life and if others want to spend time doing their own children’s childcare I don’t criticise that-as long as it suits everyone, that’s all that matters. However I don’t criticise those who don’t want the responsibility and the restrictions either.

ThepicofmyhairymingeprovesIamsober · 26/02/2023 21:43

45 hours pw is a full time jobs worth. Your daughter expects you to do this in top of your regular job and when you have health problems too! She is taking the piss. You need to put your foot down, and I say that as someone who looks after my own grandchildren 2 (sometimes 3) full days per week.

nc1013 · 26/02/2023 21:43

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

As will my mum...assuming she has no other plans or prior engagements.

Therefore, I always check well in advance that she is willing/able. The fact she helps so much is a favour and shouldn't be taken for granted.

I'd never dream of any more than a few hours a week unless she specifically offered

Theamofm · 26/02/2023 21:47

I think it's an unreasonable ask. Some grandparents are naturally hands on and some aren't but you should be honest now so they don't take advantage going into the future, and so everyone knows where they stand. Also you're still working and so respect should be given to that. You can't do it all.

Testng123 · 26/02/2023 21:50

Some GPs do but its really not normal. Dc's gp's are great but I would never expect them to do ft childcare. Let them know what you can do, if anything, ASAP so they can make other arrangements.

Grimbelina · 26/02/2023 21:50

You are essentially taking on a full time job, and possibly for nothing? They are absolutely exploiting your good nature (while they save money...) and you would be very unwise to continue, especially as your health isn't great. How will you feel if your health gets worse because this is all too much for you? You really need to give them a week or two notice and step back. Perhaps book a holiday so that you are absolutely not available and see what they sort out.

Yellowdays · 26/02/2023 21:53

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

I'm not sure anyone would agree that 45 hours, whilst having to fit in your own work as extra, WAS normal. It clearly isn't.

FlamingMadKatie · 26/02/2023 22:00

I’m 65 and look after my DGS and DGD two and a half days a week, plus extra hours here and there as and when required. I find it a bit much to be honest, the days are very long. I do it with good grace and some cost to me but I’ve agreed so there we are. What does irritate on occasion, and I have said no, is when anything extra is presented as an obligation “you’ll have to do Thursday as well this week” for example. I don’t have to do any of it.

If my DD spoke to me as you’ve described, I’d tell her the arrangement was over, she’d have to look elsewhere. Also, I’m confident that if I had your commitments she wouldn’t expect me to do full time childcare!

I haven’t read the full thread but a lot of early responses seem to suggest you should suck it up and get on with it. I wouldn’t.

I’d be curious to see if you got a different reaction across the road on Gransnet.

AdviceOnLife · 26/02/2023 22:03

My mum is retired so I am very aware I could ask this of my mum and she would absolutely say yes. But I would never ask this of her. It's far too much!
This is a full time job they are asking you to do. It's completely exhausting looking after a child full time not to mention you are working and teaching.
If you felt like you could spare one day a week that would be lovely for you and baby to bond. But full time no. Your definalty reasonable to say it doesn't suit you.

missymousey · 26/02/2023 22:03

They are taking the piss! My parents have my little one for one day per week. I am hugely grateful. They love having her but are exhausted at the end of the day and I would not ask for more.

Just tell them how much you want to do and stick to it. If you needed to give a reason (and you really don't!), then your work and health are plenty.

WaddleAway · 26/02/2023 22:05

FlamingMadKatie · 26/02/2023 22:00

I’m 65 and look after my DGS and DGD two and a half days a week, plus extra hours here and there as and when required. I find it a bit much to be honest, the days are very long. I do it with good grace and some cost to me but I’ve agreed so there we are. What does irritate on occasion, and I have said no, is when anything extra is presented as an obligation “you’ll have to do Thursday as well this week” for example. I don’t have to do any of it.

If my DD spoke to me as you’ve described, I’d tell her the arrangement was over, she’d have to look elsewhere. Also, I’m confident that if I had your commitments she wouldn’t expect me to do full time childcare!

I haven’t read the full thread but a lot of early responses seem to suggest you should suck it up and get on with it. I wouldn’t.

I’d be curious to see if you got a different reaction across the road on Gransnet.

Eh? There is one post on the entire thread suggesting the OP should just get on with it. Everyone else has said it’s far too much to ask of someone.

Mrsmch123 · 26/02/2023 22:05

My mum is unemployed but I would absolutely not ask her to look after my kid full time while I worked. I pay for nursery for him the two days that I work. She would have him they two days in a heartbeat but it's not fair to 1. Tie her to that every week for the next 3 years and 2. Expect her to as she's done rising her kids.

Ugzbugz · 26/02/2023 22:09

My own mum would never agree to this or anything near it. And if I'm ever a grandma I certainly wouldn't be either.

Put your foot down and put your commitments first.

blebbleb · 26/02/2023 22:11

45 hours a week is ridiculous they are really taking advantage you. Very selfish! I would put a stop to it right away. If they turn nasty it's their problem. Your health comes first.

Original poster
HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 22:14

No payment is taken for this as it does not feel right to me.

When my DD found out she would get the job two months early, she was on maternity, GS is 9 months. I didn´t want her to loose out on the opportunity and thought she had already sought out a childminder, but it turns out she had only arranged the nursery. Her DP is a bit useless tbh, so lovely but a bit out of touch if you get me. I am very hands on, so the childcare takes place at their house, so will also take care of any cleaning/laundry needed as my daughter is exhausted. I feel for her so try and help. She suffered a bit of depression with the first GS1 who is now 2 years of age, so I am trying to understand her, and help.

But you are right, its too much. I have tried to tell her 45 hours per week is a lot for me as I am going through diagnosis of some neuro issue, so declining health otherwise alright. But I am not sure if this translates to DD as I look fine.

Thanks everyone, I just needed some perspective on this so I am grateful for your advise.

OP posts:
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