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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking care of grandchildren. Need advise please

128 replies

HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 21:00

My daughter landed a job while on her maternity leave, a nice job which would take her to a new level in her field. As the nursery is unable to take the little one, 9 months, until August the earliest they asked me to help take care of GS from 8am till 5pm Mon to Fri. This I have done for all of February apart from this week where her SM has flown over from Spain to assist.

My problem is my DD and her DP have not arranged any care from May to August so I know they will ask me to help for 45 hours a week. I want to say this does not suit me as I am teaching in the evening 2x a week and work part time in the mornings from April. I get told off like a 5 year old if I put my foot down gently and say I cannot do this. Also, I suffer with a neurological disorder which is difficult to manage with a little baby on my hip.

Those of you with grandmothers, are you expecting so much help with the GC?

As much as I like to help and love my GC, I just feel its a lot, and have a hard time getting this across to them.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 26/02/2023 22:54

why not offer to do one day, or two, whatever suits you, and they will need to find a childminder or alternative for the other days.

PigeonPlayingChicken · 26/02/2023 22:54

Occasionally I feel sad that my daughter, her husband and my granddaughter don't live close to us, then I read threads like this and I thank my lucky stars. I didn't have my own children all day every day in the week when they were small - they went to nursery and I went to work for a rest!

Children are exhausting, no way would I countenance taking on that level of care. I love my DGC, she comes to stay and we have a great time, but it's a novelty for all of us and therefore special and exciting. I can't believe they expect so much from you OP, and show so little gratitude!!

RandomMess · 26/02/2023 22:56

They aren't paying you so they can certainly afford a cleaner etc.

Stop doing so much.

Sassypants82 · 26/02/2023 22:57

I have 3 children and my parents, who retired early, have babysat on the very rare occasion that I asked. Day to day childcare is 100% my responsibility and I'd never assume that it would be appropriate to expect childcare from them. Very similar to my MIL, very happy to help on occasion but would never expect anything more.

@SchoolTripDrama ..would you ever feck off with yourself 🙄, what else, apart from relying on creches to take care of our children for full days, are many of us supposed to do? For the record, all of mine have absolutely thrived in childcare and are very happy, well adjusted and sociable little people and I've never regretted a thing. Check yourself and seriously stop trying to put other parents down, it doesn't make you any better.

billy1966 · 26/02/2023 22:58

OP,

Your daughter sounds like a bit of a bully if she gets upset if everything doesn't go smoothly 🙄.

You need to stand up for yourself because your declining health will be negatively affected by the stress of this.

She sounds quite selfish.

Her partner being useless is not your problem.

Perhaps she shouldn't have had a second child or declined the job offer.

It is not down to everyone around you to fall into place to mind your children once you have them.

Hard choices sometimes have to be made.

Only a very selfish person thinks 40+ hours a week is not absolutely exhausting for an older person.

Look after yourself OP, it really sounds not far off elder abuse.

Do not exacerbate your condition by taking on too much.

Channellingsophistication · 26/02/2023 22:59

I m glad you told your DD - 45 hours ridiculous amount to expect of you.

My parents looked after my DS 10-15 hours a week as I was single parent and he went to nursery rest of time. Never would have asked them to do more was very grateful for what they did.

Rellywobble · 26/02/2023 23:02

I think it also depends on circumstances. My daughter is a single mum who is studying to be SW .As a parent I am doing as much as I can to help my daughter achieve her goal.

Cornishclio · 26/02/2023 23:04

No it is not normal. We looked after our grandchildren one day a week until they started school. Now we just do one or two days a week in school holidays. Most of my friends do the same or none at all and we are retired now although when I started when my first DGD was 6 months old I was working part time.

Don't feel bad about setting boundaries and point out there are other nurseries and childminders. Ultimately child care is their responsibility to sort out.

SunflowerTed · 26/02/2023 23:04

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

You’d expect your mother to have your kids 45 hours a Week???? Really????!!!!!

Napmum · 26/02/2023 23:12

I asked my Mum if she could take her GS and she firmly said no, I was thinking a lot less than 45 hours and paying her. I was a bit disappointed but didn't say anything to my Mum it's her choice.

I'd also like to say she used to work in a nursery and was thinking of quiting hwr job. Hence why I suggested she might like to childmind my DS, but it was always a choice.

I do feel sorry for your daughter as she's waiting for nursery, but she'll just have to see if anyone else can take her like a childminder. If there's no one, it is unlikely, but sometimes thee things happen.

Streamside · 26/02/2023 23:51

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

I'm a grandmother with a mortgage and a credit card to clear. It's just not so easy for many grandparents.

aloris · 27/02/2023 01:05

Why is your daughter telling you off as if you are a five year old when you do not give in to her demands? That is very disrespectful of her, both to refuse your "no" and to treat you, her mother, as if you are five years old. You do not have to do any childcare. It is her and her husband's responsibility to care for their own children.

MrsClatterbuck · 27/02/2023 01:48

Gagagardener · 26/02/2023 22:25

Lots to discuss here. First and most important, your daughter and her partner are the parents and need to sort the childcare. Your original post reads as if there is only one nursery. There must be others. Childminder? Day nanny? Live-in help? Mix'n'match.

You don't say how old you are, but I imagine you are old enough to get tired. And you mention a neurological condition. Ask your daughter and partner if they'd hire someone of your age and with your health problems as a nanny? If not, why not? Ask them if they are prepared to pay you the going rate. If not, why not? Ask them how they'll feel if you drop the baby, get ill, have to go into hospital...

I hope I've read your post correctly. You and your daughter's father are no longer together? I'm wondering if your break-up led you both to indulge your daughter. Your doing three weeks' full-time childcare, and her stepmother (?) flying in from Spain for a week to help you be her nanny, looks like this.

Who brought her up? Why does she expect you to give up your independent life and 'tell you off' if you resist her demands? Why isn't she thinking like a grown-up?

Both you and your daughter need to face up to the reality of the situation. You have, it seems, a month to sort something out. She is walking all over you, and you are letting her. I can’t see 'gently' is going to work. Get out your diary, plan in your morning part-time work and your evening teaching, the Bank Holidays when your daughter and partner will look after the baby, and offer her what you want to of the time that's left. Don’t let her bully you.

If your daughter and partner were killed in a plane crash, I can imagine you would take in your grandson full time; but they haven't been. What would they do if you were killed in a plane crash? They know they'd use their joint incomes to buy in/sort out care for the child they brought into the world.

Be brave. Speak up for what YOU want, don't accept a situation you are not comfortable with.

(With my husband, I do childcare regularly for primary and pre-school grandchildren from two families, and we value the bonds it gives us with them all; but no one has ever stamped their feet when we have said we can't do something.)

Very best wishes.

THIS

123rainbow · 27/02/2023 06:14

Your daughter sounds very selfish. 45 hours is too much for anyone, doesn't sound like they spent much time with any of their children.

AgentJohnson · 27/02/2023 06:49

Expectations, expectations, expectations. You know your daughter better than us, if she has a habit of expecting a lot of your time and energy, then guess what, she will revert to type. You have to make it clear what you will and won’t do, letting a CF make that determination is crazy.

Now is the time to let your daughter know that you won’t be available to take care of her child and do not add an ‘only in an emergency’ caveat because her interpretation of emergency will greatly differ from yours.

DD is 15 and finger’s crossed won’t be having any for a loooong time but she knows that I will be a special occasion babysitter because I believe my childcare responsibilities will end with raising her to adulthood.

Dillydallydilly · 27/02/2023 11:50

You sound like a wonderful and caring mum, @HowRatherGolly

hiredandsqueak · 27/02/2023 12:35

I did childcare for dgs three days a week, it was more than enough. I now cover those days during school holidays. It's hard work but more bearable when it's only during school holidays. Had my dd spoken to me like a five year old ever I wouldn't be providing anychildcareandshewouldhaveneeded to fund it herself.

user1492757084 · 27/02/2023 12:38

Be honest and organise a proper meeting with a calender because the current arrangements are not sustainable..
You possibly like to care for the child for a few hours each week, also mark clearly the times that you wish to always have free or any time that you are flexible.
They should be very thankful for any care you offer.
Your daughter and partner then has to sort out the other hours.

cptartapp · 27/02/2023 13:09

So you're doing their cleaning and laundry too because her DP is 'a bit useless'. My God.
You're being made a mug of. Is she your only child?
My DM said emergencies only and a few short days in half term and I was thankful for that.

templesit · 27/02/2023 22:46

Add up the hours of your 2 jobs plus childcare for GS and it will come to much more than the average worker less than half your age.

They are totally taking the piss.

Sounds like she's got you where she wants you though, if your daughter throws an adult tantrum you shut up. So win win for them.

kitcat15 · 27/02/2023 22:53

SchoolTripDrama · 26/02/2023 21:02

My Mum will look after my child whenever I need or want her too. I'd say it's fairly normal. Though of course it's absolutely your choice whether you do or not

🙄

SpongeBob2022 · 28/02/2023 12:26

YANBU. They are so cheeky.

If you are free and able to do a little childcare then that's great. Offer what you want to e.g. if you can do a day a week or a few pickups or whatever.

They need to find a different nursery or a childminder or they can't work.

Do not accept it if they tell you that all grandparents should do this...they definitely do not. I don't know anyone at all whose parents do full time childcare for their grandchildren.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 28/02/2023 14:49

No she needs to find interim child care asap, childminder etc. my mum always said she would never do GC childcare and never ask/expected.

Wakemeup17 · 28/02/2023 16:23

I have a six year old. My mum looked after her for 20mins once in those six years when I had to go to the doctor. She also had one sleepover with her grandma. That's it. You're being very kind to your daughter.

Ponderingwindow · 28/02/2023 16:38

morally, your obligation to help with childcare is limited to emergencies. If your child was hospitalized or the household was going through some other short-term crisis, I would say drop whatever you can and pitch in to help. Day to day childcare to facilitate work is predicable and something parents need to plan and pay for. You don’t need to arrange your life around their household.