Taking care of grandchildren. Need advise please

[HowRatherGolly]

My daughter landed a job while on her maternity leave, a nice job which would take her to a new level in her field. As the nursery is unable to take the little one, 9 months, until August the earliest they asked me to help take care of GS from 8am till 5pm Mon to Fri. This I have done for all of February apart from this week where her SM has flown over from Spain to assist.

My problem is my DD and her DP have not arranged any care from May to August so I know they will ask me to help for 45 hours a week. I want to say this does not suit me as I am teaching in the evening 2x a week and work part time in the mornings from April. I get told off like a 5 year old if I put my foot down gently and say I cannot do this. Also, I suffer with a neurological disorder which is difficult to manage with a little baby on my hip.

Those of you with grandmothers, are you expecting so much help with the GC?

As much as I like to help and love my GC, I just feel its a lot, and have a hard time getting this across to them.

For 40 hours a week?

Goodness, it really sounds like they are using you here! You are basically parenting him instead of them! Don't stand for it...your his grandmother not a daycare facility.
Its great you really want to spend some time with him and help out, but that is way too much for them to expect of you, you are entitled to other life committtments too.I think you need to put your foot down.
I don't know how old you are (but obviously you have the health condition to consider)
My mum is 71, we have her care for our 1yo at home one morning a week, then she has our 5yo half a day OR has just begun an overnight stay at weekends maybe every month or so, then does the odd bit of babysitting but not often.She is more than happy with this and we wouldn't expect much more.I know other GPs have their somewhat more which is fine but we wouldn't ask that of her due to her age, plus we want to be present with our kids as much as possible!

A few years ago I asked my mum if she'd consider dropping her working hours if we compensated her to help with more childcare days. Her 'No' explained she had spent many years with children as her main concern/ use of time while raising me and my brother, and while she enjoyed helping us and spending time with her grandchildren, she now enjoyed having her own life, hobbies and interests outside of childcare. It made sense when explained and I hold no resentment.

You could also tell them about an app called bubble where you can find regular childcare (I've just started wfh 2 days per week so using it for a regular sitter) so they realise you aren't planning to do this for them indefinitely.

Good luck x

My parents look after my baby 0 hours 0 days a week. Grandparents are not free childcare.

Stop being so soft! You don’t need to tell her ‘gently’. “sorry DD, I won’t be available for daily childcare from 1sr April. I’m able to do 1 day a week only, but not Thursdays.” End of conversation.

DM did one day including overnight for me & one pick up from school & give tea at my house.

She's retired and lives 5 mins away. Would also step in if I had to work away/go off early somewhere.

However, she was always very clear that she had things on mon-Thurs during the day & unless DS was ill, that took priority.

I think 45 hours a week/a full week is totally unrealistic and unfair

YANBU. They're taking the piss. I really put my foot down re childcare for my GC. I felt really bad - but then got cross that I had to keep repeating myself which strengthened my resolve.
Now DDs are completely used to it and understand I'm not well enough to do constant childcare.
Wish set out my stall earlier tbh and you definitely should!

Lots to discuss here. First and most important, your daughter and her partner are the parents and need to sort the childcare. Your original post reads as if there is only one nursery. There must be others. Childminder? Day nanny? Live-in help? Mix'n'match.

You don't say how old you are, but I imagine you are old enough to get tired. And you mention a neurological condition. Ask your daughter and partner if they'd hire someone of your age and with your health problems as a nanny? If not, why not? Ask them if they are prepared to pay you the going rate. If not, why not? Ask them how they'll feel if you drop the baby, get ill, have to go into hospital...

I hope I've read your post correctly. You and your daughter's father are no longer together? I'm wondering if your break-up led you both to indulge your daughter. Your doing three weeks' full-time childcare, and her stepmother (?) flying in from Spain for a week to help you be her nanny, looks like this.

Who brought her up? Why does she expect you to give up your independent life and 'tell you off' if you resist her demands? Why isn't she thinking like a grown-up?

Both you and your daughter need to face up to the reality of the situation. You have, it seems, a month to sort something out. She is walking all over you, and you are letting her. I can’t see 'gently' is going to work. Get out your diary, plan in your morning part-time work and your evening teaching, the Bank Holidays when your daughter and partner will look after the baby, and offer her what you want to of the time that's left. Don’t let her bully you.

If your daughter and partner were killed in a plane crash, I can imagine you would take in your grandson full time; but they haven't been. What would they do if you were killed in a plane crash? They know they'd use their joint incomes to buy in/sort out care for the child they brought into the world.

Be brave. Speak up for what YOU want, don't accept a situation you are not comfortable with.

(With my husband, I do childcare regularly for primary and pre-school grandchildren from two families, and we value the bonds it gives us with them all; but no one has ever stamped their feet when we have said we can't do something.)

Very best wishes.

It's difficult but if there was no nursery available I'd do it for a few months as I wouldn't want my daughter to lose her job. I've been a gran for a long time and done lots of childcare, gradually winding down my hours at work in the run up to retirement. I'm fit enough to do it and I love the time with them when they are little but we aren't all the same, my neighbour hates being asked to have hers. We are all different and that's OK.

What do you think you DD can do if the nursery and childminder don't have places? Can you talk about them breaking up the week a bit? Her husband taking a day off a week and her taking some leave as well so it isn't all on you.

It's definitely out of order for this to be expected. And a huge amount.

I assume you haven't offered to do this? And it's being expected, rather than being asked if you could help and what is managable for you... you have every right to say no or offer a reasonable amount of hours.

I am very lucky that my parents have looked after my daughter 4 days a week, term-time (I am a teacher and went back to work part-time after maternity leave) but this was something offered by and insisted upon by them. I would never have expected it nor full time. And not if my mum would have been on her own.

Too much to expect of you. Just because you agreed initally for a few weeks doesn't mean it should be expected full time!

I’ve just seen your comment that when you’re providing their free childcare, you also do their laundry?!

They sound a bit pathetic, are they not capable adults able to arrange childcare and do their own laundry?

I would never expect my mum to look after my baby 5 days a week. Even if she happily offered I would say no. You need to say no now so they can sort something. Maybe yo

Maybe you could offer a day or two and let them find someone else the rest of the week x

I have a 9 month old and I would never ask my mum to look after him for more than 2 hours. Put gently your foot down. Tell her now.

@Fueledbycoffee 4 days a week is also ridiculous

In some areas it is hard to get places, where I am you are advised to book your nursery place early in pregnancy and even then you might not get the hours you want over a year later. I think some nurseries are struggling for staff and if they can't meet the ratios they can't take the children.

Crikey no. Unless you are a very young granny in good health ( you mentioned a health issue) 45 hours is far too much. I would say I am finding this too hard and you need to find some childcare immediately. One day a week might be doable imo. Plus occasional baby sitting.

Ridiculous. They should have thought about this before having a second child. It's their responsibility, not yours.

My DM picks up DS from school once a week and takes him to an afterschool activity, then brings him home and gives him his tea. So about 3.5 hours. I am incredibly grateful to her as it allows DS to do this activity which DH and I can’t fit around our jobs. Plus she keeps abreast of what he is up to/maintains a relationship with him.

When he first started nursery, she used to pick him up at lunchtime one day a week. Didn’t save me any money, he was in nursery 3 days a week, and I worked PT. But again, it was nice for DS to have some extra time with somebody who loves him (they mostly went to the park or played at home I think).

She also very occasionally came up at short notice if DS was sick, to allow me to still go into work (not needed now, DH works from home and DS is old enough to not need constant supervision).

I would see that level of help as on the generous end of reasonable. Normal being standard visits with the parents present and maybe occasional evening babysitting. Full time childcare for several months is way over that line and into CF territory.

I think you tell her now when you will be available for childcare going forward. Whether that's nothing at all as you've decided it's too much or set times/days to suit you and what you have planned.

They need to get their childcare act together and work around you, not dump it all on you. If your DD can't work due to lack of childcare, that's on her not you particularly when you've spelled out your availability.

Only do what you really want to, and can cope with, OP. The assumption your daughter is making would make me feel less than co-operative, I feel!

The reality is they will be able to find some interim childcare if they really try so you just need to be clear on what you are prepared to do (or not).

My mil did look after my first for 3 days a week which was amazing. She had to travel to stay with us too, so it was a major upheaval for her. My DH was part of a family business that wasn't making much money at the time, so it was her way of supporting us with that.

My mum , my sister and my brother would always help me out with childcare. But non would do 45 hours a week unless I was in hospital. It's a rediculous ask

What exactly does your dd say when she speaks to you like a 5 year old?

That is the perfect algorithm

Tell them you can't do it.

Tell them you're telling them now so they'll have plenty of time to find an alternative to you.

Absorb the flak and the upset.

Tell them 'Thank you' would have sufficed.

Put down the phone / leave the room.