He uses viagra. Why didn't he say?

[Sheruns]

First post for me but a long time reader.

I'm three years into a relationship with a wonderful man. We have no children together but he's an excellent step parent to my two children who are with us most of the week and we bought a house together six months ago. The relationship is everything I wanted.

My sex drive is higher than his and always has been but we have a good sex life. Today when I was emptying the bin I found a pill box. He takes a lot of medication for various reasons but I didn't recognise the name of this one so I asked Alexa and it's off brand viagra. We had sex yesterday for the first time in a while (period last week busy lives etc) so it follows that it would be used yesterday.

I just feel so very sad that he clearly has been having struggles and he hasn't felt he can/wanted to discuss it with me. I would be completely understanding but now I worry that I have put pressure on him to sleep with me at times when he hasn't felt up to it, excuse the pun.

I really want to speak to him about it just to say I'm sorry if he's felt pressured and that I love him unconditionally but our sex life and all that goes with it is a joint thing and I feel so hurt he hasn't said anything.

I'm trying really hard to not make this about me but I know this sounds selfish. Please be kind

He doesn't owe you details of his medical background. You found out and now you know. If he wants to talk to you about it, he will.

I don’t see why he would need to. Perhaps he doesn’t see this as a sad struggle he needs to discuss with anyone, just an annoying medical issue that’s easily fixed with pills when necessary. I think it’s the former view which really stigmatises ED, when it really shouldn’t be at all.

I think that you should certainly not convey to him that you are hurt that he did not say anything - indeed I am not even sure that feeling hurt is an appropriate response.

He has tried to deal with a problem that he has so that both of you can enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship, so he deserves appreciation for that.

You might like to tell him that you now know about this, and thank him for considering your needs and ask if there is any way you can help.

Also, lay off on yourself thinking you must have been pressuring him. That’s not what viagra is for - it just remedies the mismatch between desiring sex but not being able to get an erection. It isn’t to make a man in the mood for sex.

Viagra is not a big deal and just because he takes it sometimes doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you! Viagra only works when the man is aroused (it makes the penis harder for longer doesn't make it hard from nothing) so he clearly wants to have sex with you just also wants you both to enjoy it more! Don't make this a big deal, I don't think it is.

Given he takes "a lot of medication for various reasons", could he be taking sildenafil for a heart condition? It started out as a heart drug and it used to treat a number of cardiac problems

A lot of medicine have side effects that means you need Viagra. Not to do with sex drive.

I don't think it's this. The label on the box says to take it one hour before needed, so I'm presuming if it was for a heart condition it would be a more regular dose.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I understand that it's not about me in the respect that it doesn't mean he doesn't fancy me etc. A lot of people have pointed out that he is under no obligation to tell me and that it's considerate to take it if it's what is needed to give us the satisfying sex life we have. I dunno why I'm hurt. I guess we just tell each other everything except this.

I don’t see why he would need to. Perhaps he doesn’t see this as a sad struggle he needs to discuss with anyone, just an annoying medical issue that’s easily fixed with pills when necessary.

Yes, this, I think you're over-thinking it. It can just be as simple as an allergy sufferer taking an anti-histamine before visiting friends with pets; a travel sickness sufferer taking a pill before a long bus journey; a man with some level of ED taking Sildenafil before he's planning/hoping to have sex.

I am glad to see that you are getting good advice here.

It is not about you, but rather about his own physical issues, which may well be side effects of the other medications.

Men can feel belittled if they are not hard enough, or not hard for long enough, and unless he brings it up himself there is probably no good way for you to do that. Think if you had a medical issue that you felt self-conscious about: would you want to choose if and when to discuss it with him, and accept you as you are if you choose not to, or would you want him to bring it up and say that he feels "hurt" by your not bringing it up first?

The kind thing would probably be to accept him as he is, try to understand that his use of this is not any reflection on you, and only discuss it if he brings it up first.

I found out my partner was taking it and like you, was hurt he didn't tell me. Just wanted to add an opinion that isn't telling you that how you feel is wrong. I wasn't bothered that he took it, or that he needed/wanted to take it, there was no judgement...I just felt hurt that we share everything about our lives (we are super open) and we have are very open when it comes to talking all things sex...so I was hurt that he had kept something from me when I've held nothing about myself back from him. Also I think it's the secret ordering, different delivery address and then hiding them that just felt sneaky - i hate sneaky!

I think you understand exactly how I feel. Thank you.

Did you bring it up?

There are many things on here effecting female health that a woman would be told she doesn't owe her partner an explanation for. Probably the biggest humiliation a man can face is not being able to get it up. He will have felt all levels of shame and inadequacy, not to mention fear you might leave him if he told you he couldn't perform. Is it really that surprising he didn't say? How exactly do you fit that into pre sex bedroom talk anyway? Perhaps you need to stop looking at this so personally and ask yourself why he felt he couldn't approach you over something this intimate and embarrassing.

I think you need to pause for a moment and take a breath.
Then - read up about how viagra works. And you will realise that the medication doesn’t make someone have sex they don’t want. It merely solves technical plumbing issues. The man in question needs to actually want to have sex - be attracted, aroused, etc.

In short - the medication helps with the physical side of executing an erection.

I think you need to really try to think of your partner. He clearly isn’t feeling confident in this area, or his various medication have a negative impact on his performance. Let him have his dignity.
And - try harder to not make it about you.
Its hard enough for men to age and lose their virility - when so much in our society is based on that for the men.

Don't force him to discuss it with you. Some things can and should be private.

By your own account you have a good relationship with a good man. Give him space and be nice to him.

As you get older and start to need hrt or oestrogen pessaries to stay lubricated, it's not something you have to share with your partner. You can if you want, of course you can, and many people do. But if you chose not to and then he was wanging on about feeling upset that you hadn't shared how you don't get so wet anymore naturally, I do think he'd get that sympathetic a response.

lol 'don't ' think not do think!

Lots of men experience shame around this and keep it to themselves. Apparently there's a really great online initiative called Mojo, for men who want to wean themselves off them and get past the anxiety. Sometimes ofc it's just age related.....

tbh, while people are saying its a medical issue and none of your business, it's clearly a thing 'hidden' and I think once you find that it can do something a bit odd to intimacy. I think it would be ok to say 'I found x in the bin. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but for the record it's completely OK with me so you can feel free to be open about it if that helps'

He will have felt all levels of shame and inadequacy, not to mention fear you might leave him if he told you he couldn't perform.

And there's also the other possibility, where men can worry about being seen as a perv or rampant sex pest if they mention getting Viagra. Maybe because it and certain other 'devices' are sold to healthy people with claims of supercharging their sex life and taking it to a whole new level of horniness, however they are also used quite mundanely (and recommended by doctors and therapists) by people with various dysfunctions who just want to be able to successfully have very ordinary sex lives.

As PP said, all Viagra does is, when both of you want to have sex, it enables the mechanics on his side to happen; nothing more than that.

He may well be nervous of your response. Maybe his previous relationship ended because of ED
I’ve seen the occasional post here where a woman is saying new partner has ED and what to do etc and a reasonable number of posters say ‘the hills are that way’ or ‘dump him he’s porn obsessed’
whilst the vast majority of women are very understanding some do seem to take it personally and maybe thats been his previous experience.

quick explanation on how Viagr works : when a man is aroused a chemical called cGMP is released relaxing blood vessels allowing more blood in to his penis - . Post ejaculation another chemical PDE-5 is released to break down cGMP. Viagra blocks the effect PDE-5.
so as PP’s said he needs to want to have sex to inirder to produce cGMP in the 1st place.

Honestly, say nothing, he'll find it embarrassing.

I doubt you feel the need to discuss what brand of contraceptive or tampon you use?! It's a private matter.

I wouldn’t mention it - he has a right to keep personal things private. My partner of 3 years has very bad ED and viagra has been a lifesaver for us. It’s his business, he doesn’t tell me when he’s taking it (possibly to keep an element of spontaneity there I think) and given the amount of men married to women in here who refuse to acknowledge they have an issue, I’d be pleased and rather proud that he’d done something off his own back to help the situation.

I don’t think couples need to know every single thing to do with each other’s health - I have a full on beard that I get treated with electrolysis for thanks to a pretty awful PCOS condition, and as I hit perimenopause I’m starting to suffer with stress incontinence. My partner doesn’t know about these, and I don’t plan on telling him. He’d no doubt be fine with both but I just don’t want him to know.

Yes, I did. I'm the kind of person that if something has upset or annoyed me, I can't hide it 🤣. There was a small argument, because he became very defensive, but we sorted it out quickly. He said he didn't tell me because then it would become a 'thing' as it's all in his head for him, not a physical issue. So if he told me, that would lead him to wonder if I was thinking about it which would make the 'problem' worse. I get why he didn't tell me, but at the same time I still believe he should have because we are life partners that should go through everything together.. I also didn't like the thought that he was randomly popping off to take a pill, then coming back and starting sex with me..kind of made me feel like the sex was on his terms and not because he wanted me in that moment. Don't even know if that makes sense!? He doesn't take them every time, I think he goes through periods of worry about his performance and he will start again.

I’ve seen the occasional post here where a woman is saying new partner has ED and what to do etc and a reasonable number of posters say ‘the hills are that way’ or ‘dump him he’s porn obsessed’

Indeed, based on how unforgiving some women can be on this, or that they have take it personally (a bit like you've done), or not understood what it is for (again a bit like you in thinking it must mean he wasn't interested in sex with you, and you were pressurising him), it's not surprising he wanted to keep it quiet.

Well actually I do discus my contraceptive with him since any baby born from an accident will be his responsibility too. I'm sure most women discuss their contraceptives with their partner, surely?

He doesn't need to discuss this.
Same way I would not discuss using lube with my partner as it my vagina and I do what's comfy irrespective of my partner.

It's literally no reflection on you if he wants to talk to us about it he will.