He uses viagra. Why didn't he say?

[Sheruns]

First post for me but a long time reader.

I'm three years into a relationship with a wonderful man. We have no children together but he's an excellent step parent to my two children who are with us most of the week and we bought a house together six months ago. The relationship is everything I wanted.

My sex drive is higher than his and always has been but we have a good sex life. Today when I was emptying the bin I found a pill box. He takes a lot of medication for various reasons but I didn't recognise the name of this one so I asked Alexa and it's off brand viagra. We had sex yesterday for the first time in a while (period last week busy lives etc) so it follows that it would be used yesterday.

I just feel so very sad that he clearly has been having struggles and he hasn't felt he can/wanted to discuss it with me. I would be completely understanding but now I worry that I have put pressure on him to sleep with me at times when he hasn't felt up to it, excuse the pun.

I really want to speak to him about it just to say I'm sorry if he's felt pressured and that I love him unconditionally but our sex life and all that goes with it is a joint thing and I feel so hurt he hasn't said anything.

I'm trying really hard to not make this about me but I know this sounds selfish. Please be kind

Do you?
I never went into the details - type of pill, varying effects, which I preferred and why, pros and cons. I went more with 'my body my choice' but contraception is covered by pill without more detail than that.

The poster upthread who talked about hair removal and stress incontinence has a better comparator, imo. They could be considered embarrassing or personal by some people, not everything has to be shared. You may well choose to share your future solutions to avoid vaginal atrophy with your partner, or you may not. I'd defend your right to keep it personal if you wanted to. Lack of lubrication is just a hormonal (lack of) effect, it's not about your desire for a partner. If you choose to use vaginal pessaries once a week, you don't necessarily have to discuss that with your partner.

@Sheruns

Discussing your contraception is a practical matter. It’s not comparable really.
Women don’t have anything that is comparable. Our femininity and worth as women isn’t defined or judged by others based on a bodily function.
Men’s ability to have and maintain erection is a really sensitive issue.
And as a woman - I think we can’t really fully understand the depth of issues men have over it.

Men with ED - are either porn-obsessed, or not into us. It’s hard to not take it personally.
But it isn’t about you. Hard as it is to believe - men aren’t walking testosterone machines.

I have experience of this, x2!

First when I was in my 20s I found it in my boyfriend’s washbag on our first holiday and felt shocked, upset and almost violated, for some reason, even though he was a very nice guy and I’d seen our sex life falter because of his psychological ED. I mentioned it and we had a row.

Ffwd to now, in my 40s, and again I’ve found it in a new boyfriend’s cabinet. This time I haven’t mentioned it, as I know it is very difficult for men to talk about and think about this. Even so I have wrestled with the feeling of him not sharing something with me, of him ‘knowing more’ about the sex we’re having. Something about not being on an even footing. It also made me see that he would be capable of hiding other things. But, I have decided to soak up all this mild discomfort because I love him.

I shared those two instances to show that I really understand how it makes you feel, but also I do understand that it is very difficult for men and really hurts their self esteem, and that somehow there’s something about it they can’t share. I get the sense any pity would destroy them.

I think this is what made me dislike the fact he was doing it secretly, the fact that he knew something I didn't about OUR sex life..and the fact if he can cover this (ordering, payment, taking delivery and using a different delivery address and hiding it) it made me wonder what else he could so easily hide. Not a lovely way of thinking, but we can't help what bothers us. Also, OP, what bothers you might not bother others and vice versa so only you can decide if you should bring it up.

I’m amazed he’s managed to hide it given you need to take it a certain amount of time before sex.

They do though, and that’s what feels weird

I wonder why he didn't just buy it over the counter in boots?

I remember when it first came out and there was a black market amongst men - someone would buy it abroad then re-sell to all their mates when they got back.

Tbh op it may be worth talking to him anyway as cialis is generally considered better than viagra and the effects last longer.

Perhaps embarrassment. My partner's supply has come from an online pharmacy looking at the pack. Maybe it's cheaper online?

You can also buy it without a prescription abroad, bf bought some in Egypt on last holiday. He uses it infrequently and only when he wants to last and repeat again and again quickly. I wouldn't take it personally?

I'm on HRT but chose to tell him, but really its not his business, its my body.

You don’t need a prescription in the UK, and have not needed one for a number of years, it’s sold over the counter in the pharmacy section in Boots / SuperDrug etc , you need an assessment , but that’s about it.

Yeah @articskewer I think it was probably embarrassment too..the ease of ordering online without having to talk face to face with somebody probably appealed.

I completely understand you OP.

I think this is an emotional intimacy issue.

I really don't understand posters who say you don't need to know his medical history!

Bonkers.

You have lived together for 3 years.

And this isn't history- it's the present.

If a woman was using treatment for a dry vagina ( which many women get as they get close to menopause) would that be hush-hush too, or something to explain to your partner?

Mumsnet seems to be another universe at times.

@DollyDayDreamee I do agree but what would you practically do? It’s a situation where more conflict sends these men further into a corner (or can).

For those saying he doesn't have to tell you, what happens if he has a reaction to it and you need to get medical help? It does happen albeit rare.

It's very foolish to take any medication like this and not make your partner aware of it, frankly.

This is kinda how I'm feeling. I'm trying to just forget about it but I know it'll keep playing on my mind. He'll be home from work soon and I can't hide it when something's up with me

A lot of women wouldn't talk to a relatively new partner about issues with dryness, particularly if the man was going to make it all about him (I'm not turning you on enough - see women's reactions to men and viagra!).
I'd say it's up to them - individual and private - by all means share if you want to, but if you don't want to, also fine.

A man who found his girlfriend's vaginal hrt supply and started a thread about feeling a lack of emotional connection because she was hiding her secret oestrogen or testosterone gel stash wouldn't get very far on mn.

Let us know what happens. This is the one time on here it would actually be useful for a man to comment, and give insight into how he might feel! Typical

our sex life and all that goes with it is a joint thing and I feel so hurt he hasn't said anything

No, "all that goes along" with sex isn't a joint thing. A person's sexuality, reproductive rights and medical details are their own private information and responsibility, regardless of their relationship status. A partner may choose to share these details with you (and many do) but it isn't information you have any kind of right to, moral, legal or otherwise. Female contraceptives are the business of the female taking them. Male partners are not entitled to details of these and are responsible for their own reproductive systems. I have chosen in the past to tell DH what contraceptive I used but would not involve him in the decision and nor would he ask or expect me to. If he felt concerned about unwanted pregnancy despite being told that I was using hormonal contraceptives, the onus would be on him to use protection himself. It absolutely wouldn't entitle him to knowledge or decision making rights over medication that I take. Similarly if a female was using mediation to prevent vaginal dryness, it's absolutely wild to claim that she bears any moral responsibility to tell a sexual partner about this. It's private medical information.

People in relationships are still people in their own right and are entitled to privacy and autonomy. Good God I'd run a mile if someone tried to exert the level of control and intrusion on me that some people are suggesting is owed to a sexual partner. Red flag central.

@ArcticSkewer Did you read the first post? The OP and her partner are 3 years into their relationship, have bought a house together and are a very much a 'couple'.
This is not a new relationship.

A partner may choose to share these details with you (and many do) but it isn't information you have any kind of right to, moral, legal or otherwise

Good grief.

This is a Relationship forum not a court of law. Rights? Morals?

Do some posters actually talk to their friends in real life like this or only as keyboard warriors?

<shakes head in disbelief>

To be honest, I can see why he chooses not to tell you, it’s something he uses to make him fell better about himself & now you think it’s about you.

Nah I would say three years in and extremely personal intimate info ... maybe you'd share, maybe not.

Home ownership is neither here nor there.

For some people, some health matters remain personal for a 40-50 year marriage. Entirely their personal decision.

I couldn't pretend I didn't know. I wouldn't see it as an issue him taking it but I would be disappointed that he hadn't trusted me enough to tell me as obviously it could impact our sex life - so to me it affects both of us. I wouldn't have a problem saying I needed to use lube......or letting him apply it!

I would just say, 'oh I saw an empty viagra packet in the bin today and was wondering why you hadn't mentioned that you use it?'

You have some really odd ideas.

Are you talking from personal experience?

Home ownership is a big commitment.

Believe me, after 40-50 years, one partner is often ill.
Impossible to have private health issues.