He uses viagra. Why didn't he say?

[Sheruns]

First post for me but a long time reader.

I'm three years into a relationship with a wonderful man. We have no children together but he's an excellent step parent to my two children who are with us most of the week and we bought a house together six months ago. The relationship is everything I wanted.

My sex drive is higher than his and always has been but we have a good sex life. Today when I was emptying the bin I found a pill box. He takes a lot of medication for various reasons but I didn't recognise the name of this one so I asked Alexa and it's off brand viagra. We had sex yesterday for the first time in a while (period last week busy lives etc) so it follows that it would be used yesterday.

I just feel so very sad that he clearly has been having struggles and he hasn't felt he can/wanted to discuss it with me. I would be completely understanding but now I worry that I have put pressure on him to sleep with me at times when he hasn't felt up to it, excuse the pun.

I really want to speak to him about it just to say I'm sorry if he's felt pressured and that I love him unconditionally but our sex life and all that goes with it is a joint thing and I feel so hurt he hasn't said anything.

I'm trying really hard to not make this about me but I know this sounds selfish. Please be kind

It's really not odd to consider a person to have bodily autonomy and the right to privacy over their medical and health information.

Buying a house with someone doesn't somehow give you a right to their private medical info. If people want to discuss it with their partner, they can. If they don't want to, they don't have to.

Of course people have bodily autonomy but some things a long term partner arguably would find disturbing to have hidden from them. Opioid pain killers? Anti depressants? To name a couple.

how did it go OP?

My partner buys generic viagra online, uses it himself and sells it to loads of his mates at work as they're too embarrassed to buy it themselves in case their wives or partners find out. You have to be turned on and want to have sex for it to work so it's nothing to do with not being turned on by you, it just helps out.

Really don’t think you need to bring this up, I wouldn’t.

A previous partner said wouldn’t a woman tell their partner about using medication for a dry vagina and absolutely no I wouldn’t feel the need to tell my partner! I mean I could, I’m not embarrassed as such, I might tell a friend for instance but it’s my body and I don’t have to share absolutely every tiny detail about it to my partner!

I’ve had some incontinence issues as well, as do a hell of a lot of women, do I have to tell my partner that I’m wearing Tena ladies??? Sodding hell. What if one day my partner says “I’m so hurt you’re wearing Tena pants and you haven’t discussed it with me, it’s just the sneakiness I’m upset with, because you have to tell me EVERYTHING!”

i 100% bet you do not tell each other everything. And if you do, maybe you shouldn’t. It’s absolutely normal and actually very healthy to maintain a level of personal boundaries even with your significant other.

No real advice OP but just to say my DH has to use viagra (ED due to medications he takes) and he is EXTREMELY sensitive about it. He hates to talk about it - to him it is a very private and embarrassing thing. Feels he is less of a man because he has to rely on it. And we have been together 30 years!

I do know he takes it (he gets it on prescriptions) but when and how often he takes it is up to him - I don't ask or question. I suspect he takes it more often than "necessary" ( if you get my drift) but that's up to him.

I would also say it is pretty fast acting - despite what it might say on the packet it works within 20 minutes. So not much pre planning is required.

I would just ask him op, just be honest and say you how you found the box and didn't realise he took it and see what his reaction is. He's maybe been too embarrassed and didn't know how to tell you and this way it'll be out in the open. Hopefully it'll be a relief for him having you know. Hope all goes okay op

I don’t get why you’re so upset about it. He has an medical issue that he takes medication to correct. If he had high blood pressure and didn’t tell you that he was on meds for that, would you be upset?

Don’t bring it up as he’s obviously chosen not to tell you. What will you achieve/change by making him talk about something he clearly doesn’t want to discuss, and which isn’t your business anyway?

It's really not odd to consider a person to have bodily autonomy and the right to privacy over their medical and health information.

Buying a house with someone doesn't somehow give you a right to their private medical info. If people want to discuss it with their partner, they can. If they don't want to, they don't have to.

@ArcticSkewer Your posts make me question if you have ever been in a long term relationship. Or maybe you have a problem being open in a relationship.

Most people don't use phrases like 'body autonomy' and 'rights'. This is a relationship not a trial in a court!

Trotting out phrases to do with 'rights and autonomy' is all very well, but you are not exactly engaging with the emotions of the OP. Completely lacking in empathy. Talking as if you are some kind of campaigner for 'rights'.

Yes, someone can keep a health problem to themselves. But in a close relationships it's far better to understand the reason why they may choose to. That's the bit you're missing here.

Most men who keep this a secret are embarrassed.

But as ED can be linked to other health issues, like CVD or diabetes, it's better if they talk about it, because men are notoriously slow at seeking medical help.

Oh honestly! Are you the same poster who was saying the same things to someone else upthread as well?

It's not nethuns. Some people use long words.

I am not going to validate the emotions (oooh another long phrase) of this poster, but actually a lot of my responses are to other people - the ones who suggest owning a house together equals a right to medical records, for example.

Most users of viagra these days are younger men. Sure, it can be a sign of other health issues. He can talk to her if he wants to, or his GP. I've already suggested he upgrade to something better anyway. The op doesn't actually have concerns about his health as far as we know though... it's all about her so far.

You are not showing any empathy for the OP.

You are simply responding in support of her partner.

Maybe in real life behave differently, but your posts show a lack of emotional intelligence as they are all about 'rights' not how people feel.

No one has said owning a house together = a 'right' access to medical records. That's a ridiculous comment to make.

It's not about accessing medical records.

But when people are in a close, loving relationship, they usually hope their partner would be able to share their health issues with them, especially when it's their joint sex life which is the issue.

So you have a partner who has a problem. He takes medication for that problem. Does the medication work? If yes, no more need to be said.

Viagra does not work if the man is not sexually stimulated.

'I found out my partner uses lube. Why didn't she say?'

Perhaps your dp (correctly) assumed that you'd see viagra-taking as a sign that he wasn't aroused enough to get it up, and didn't want you to (incorrectly) blame yourself for not being sexy enough to arouse him?
In other words, perhaps he's kept it quiet to make you feel sexier?

I don't explicitly tell my partner when I use vaginal moisturiser. When we're "in the moment" it would feel offputtingly technical, and when we're just watching TV or having a meal then it's not a subject that just casually slips off the tongue.

This thread has been so interesting and useful for me

My concern, as I stated in the original message, is that I've inadvertently made him feel pressured if there are difficulties. My concern is that I don't want him to feel that way because of my actions.

I also didn't say I took it as a sign he wasn't aroused enough to get it up. Nor did i say I felt it was my fault for not being sexy enough.

You're putting words into my mouth.

What I said was that I was concerned that in pursuing our sex life without being aware he was having difficulties, i had made him feel pressured.

I understand this OP. With the first partner I found using viagra I really backed off and hardly ever initiated. It worked re. the issue, but actually created an ancillary issue where I felt my needs were being ignored as I couldn’t express them. I didn’t say this, but it made me feel sad. We were young and neither of us got it right.

With my current partner I haven’t mentioned it but I thought carefully, and have struck a very considered balance. I know he needs to still feel wanted for his self esteem, so I do initiate sometimes but always with the space to say no, and I never specify that we’re going to have penetrative sex, if you see what I mean. So I might say ‘I want to go to bed with you’ but not ‘take me from behind with your enormous cock’ (!!). Equally though he sometimes gives very clear ‘not up for it’ signs which I might have interpreted as about me if I hadn’t thought of this. On those occasions I follow his lead and almost don’t allow occasions for it. I might say I want to stay up watching the news, or spring up early in the morning and make a nice cuppa.

(oops posted too soon) it really seems to be working and I am pleased with the approach I’ve taken this time. Neither of us is too stressed and nobody is taking any of it personally. I have silently done the leg work on processing it without mentioning it to him, but he left the box where I could see. I think we’re doing a good job with a difficult matter and I think you’ll do the same. One of the things I find sexiest about my boyfriend is that he is very emotionally connected and present in sex and it makes sense to me that this is the kind of man who will be affected by the mental blocks of ED. Good luck!

Agree with this.

My partner doesn't know all of my medical history including how far along in menopause or whether or not I'm on HRT.

Don't take the viagra personally and leave him some privacy.

Nor did i say I felt it was my fault for not being sexy enough.
You're putting words into my mouth.
No, I'm suggesting something that your husband might have thought.

I would not treat this as betrayal. It is much more likely he was embarrassed and tried to manage it quietly rather than wanting to shut you out. A lot of men would rather solve this privately than say the words out loud, even in a good relationship.

The best move is probably a calm, low-drama conversation where you make it clear you are not angry, not hurt by the medication itself, and not judging him. I would also avoid turning it into a big talk about why he kept it from you, at least at first, because that can make him feel even more exposed. Start with reassurance and make it clear you want honesty, not an explanation under pressure. If he is using sildenafil or something similar, that is pretty common and there may be practical ways to make sex feel less loaded for both of you.

But why do you think any of that is true? You're making wild assumptions that you're making him feel pressured or that he's having difficulties based on no evidence at all aside from the fact that he takes a little blue pill.

He's not told you there's a problem, so proceed as if there's no problem. I suffer from ED, and the very worst thing for it is to make a big thing about it. If he was having difficulties, then you'd likely know about it. Given that you haven't noticed, then his current process likely does the job for him.

To give an example from my situation. Most of the time I'm fine, but I'm most likely to have an issue if I'm a bit over tired, or I've already had an orgasm that day. Maybe I've had a bit of alone time that morning, not expecting sex to be on the cards that evening. Then I realise it is, so I take some viagra. Job done. I've not felt pressured, there's no difficulties. It's no different from the fact that I wash my bits if I think I'm likely to be getting sex tonight. I want to be clean for DP, so I wash. I want to not have any annoying let downs mid-sex, so I take a tablet. It's not a big thing,

I'm not going to draw attention to it by telling DP I'm taking one. Thats just counter productive. I wouldn't say that any more than I'd say "I've washed my bits in preperation for sex!" And the last thing I need is for DP to start saying "Shall we have sex tonight, so do you need to take a tablet?" any more than her asking about my hygeine levels before we start is likely to be conducive to a sexy atmosphere.

I would just be really glad he know he has an issue and he has taken action to address it.

That reflects well on him I think?

I'm on team "I would not like this".

Relationships are about transparency not just honesty. Trust is built on someone openly offering information about themselves, not just whether they tell the truth or not when challenged. I think this is something someone should be transparent about as, as a previous poster said, it is about the other person having access to more information about your sex life than you do.

As a CSA survivor, transparency and communication around sex is very important to me and I would feel uneasy if I didn't have that. I would also wonder what else he wasn't open about.

Also, if he's fairly young, there's a very strong chance it's linked to porn use. Look up how rates of ED have skyrocketed in young men since the advent of Internet porn.