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Original poster

Husband doesn't like me drinking.

227 replies

Cara003344 · 25/02/2023 16:37

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either.

I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop.

Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view.

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 20:50

In many marriages, one person has chosen alcohol over quality time with their spouse. It generally doesn't bode well for a marriage

Yes, but that's not the issue. He's not saying 'Your drinking is getting in the way of our relationship, is something bothering you, maybe you should seek out some help...', he's saying that OP having a few drinks on one day of the week is getting in the way of his sexual whims. If OP was drinking all the time and shirking her duties as a parent and partner, then he'd be talking to her about that. But that's not what's happening. He's telling her he doesn't like her drinking on Fridays because he wants sex and is disappointed when he doesn't get it. You must be able to see the difference, @musingsinmidlife

musingsinmidlife · 27/02/2023 07:25

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 20:50

In many marriages, one person has chosen alcohol over quality time with their spouse. It generally doesn't bode well for a marriage

Yes, but that's not the issue. He's not saying 'Your drinking is getting in the way of our relationship, is something bothering you, maybe you should seek out some help...', he's saying that OP having a few drinks on one day of the week is getting in the way of his sexual whims. If OP was drinking all the time and shirking her duties as a parent and partner, then he'd be talking to her about that. But that's not what's happening. He's telling her he doesn't like her drinking on Fridays because he wants sex and is disappointed when he doesn't get it. You must be able to see the difference, @musingsinmidlife

Why are you highlighting only the sex?. She says his concerns include...

That it isn't fun to be around someone drinking when you aren't.

That she changes when she drinks and isn't the same sober as when drinking and he doesn't really like who she is when drinking.

That she falls asleep from drinking

That he expresses concern due to her history of overindulging.

AND that it means on a night where they could spend quality time together, she chooses alcohol over intimacy with him.

It isn't just about sex from what OP says. He has concerns with her drinking and that alcohol has a higher place in her life as a priority than him.

Watchkeys · 27/02/2023 08:56

His concerns are almost all to do with what he wants. Op likes who she is after a few drinks and before. Op doesn't want to be 'fun' for him. She doesn't want to spend that particular few hours of the week having quality time with him.

She's not obliged to do any of those things, and she's perfectly entitled to do things the way she wants to, without pressure. If he doesn't like it, he needs to talk to her and try to find a compromise, not get annoyed with her and tell him his penis isn't getting enough attention. People who are concerned about their partner's welfare regarding alcohol don't get annoyed and bring sex into it, they say 'Darling, I'm worried about how much you're drinking, perhaps you should have a think about it?'

That's why I'm focusing on the sex. It reveals his concerns, and they're not about op and her well-being.

TheaBrandt · 27/02/2023 09:15

Would it be acceptable to say to a partner “oh not too much cake you’re getting fat”? It wouldn’t but seems commenting on moderate drinking is ok? Just musing really ,

Nighttoremember · 27/02/2023 11:43

The responses on this thread are absolutely batshit.
One bottle of wine a week, how dare you 🙄
Carry on enjoying your friday wine OP.
If this husband was in any way motivated by concerns for his wife's wellbeing, he wouldn't be selfishly helping himself to an extra 5 hours of sleep every Saturday morning while she gets up at 5am.

Yet so many of you picking on OP. I despair at times.

Notadramallama · 27/02/2023 15:43

Nighttoremember · 27/02/2023 11:43

The responses on this thread are absolutely batshit.
One bottle of wine a week, how dare you 🙄
Carry on enjoying your friday wine OP.
If this husband was in any way motivated by concerns for his wife's wellbeing, he wouldn't be selfishly helping himself to an extra 5 hours of sleep every Saturday morning while she gets up at 5am.

Yet so many of you picking on OP. I despair at times.

Except there's a huge difference between one bottle of wine a week and one bottle of wine in one evening.

My ex husband used to do this. He'd drink a whole bottle to himself on an evening and become more and more boring to listen to as the evening went on. He also thought I was being a killjoy when I went to bed at a normal time - sick to death of hearing his crap wafflings. Drunk people are generally very boring to be around.

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 15:46

Notadramallama · 27/02/2023 15:43

Except there's a huge difference between one bottle of wine a week and one bottle of wine in one evening.

My ex husband used to do this. He'd drink a whole bottle to himself on an evening and become more and more boring to listen to as the evening went on. He also thought I was being a killjoy when I went to bed at a normal time - sick to death of hearing his crap wafflings. Drunk people are generally very boring to be around.

Show quote history

Find it quite surprising any man who routinely drinks a bottle of wine at least once a week would be so pissed by the end of it he’s descended in to a crashing bore. Either he was drinking a lot more or drinking a lot less frequently or much more likely he was always a bore.

Sarahcoggles · 27/02/2023 15:58

I don't drink and I wouldn't enjoy watching my partner down a bottle of wine every Friday night, especially if his personality changed.

Notadramallama · 27/02/2023 16:28

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 15:46

Find it quite surprising any man who routinely drinks a bottle of wine at least once a week would be so pissed by the end of it he’s descended in to a crashing bore. Either he was drinking a lot more or drinking a lot less frequently or much more likely he was always a bore.

Show quote history

You can be as surprised as you like, but non of your above suggestions were true.

Nighttoremember · 27/02/2023 16:36

Notadramallama · 27/02/2023 15:43

Except there's a huge difference between one bottle of wine a week and one bottle of wine in one evening.

My ex husband used to do this. He'd drink a whole bottle to himself on an evening and become more and more boring to listen to as the evening went on. He also thought I was being a killjoy when I went to bed at a normal time - sick to death of hearing his crap wafflings. Drunk people are generally very boring to be around.

Show quote history

What is your point here?
That she still shouldn't be 'boring' to the Lord husband once a week?
Give over!

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 16:43

Notadramallama · 27/02/2023 16:28

You can be as surprised as you like, but non of your above suggestions were true.

Show quote history

He must have had a very low tolerance to alcohol as I am yet to meet an adult man who is a regular drinker who I would say was rolling drunk and rambling as you describe after one bottle of wine - unless the wine was drank in like an hour. Over the course of an evening no chance unless as I say he had a very low tolerance for alcohol.

Nighttoremember · 27/02/2023 16:51

Eyerollcentral · 27/02/2023 16:43

He must have had a very low tolerance to alcohol as I am yet to meet an adult man who is a regular drinker who I would say was rolling drunk and rambling as you describe after one bottle of wine - unless the wine was drank in like an hour. Over the course of an evening no chance unless as I say he had a very low tolerance for alcohol.

Show quote history

I am yet to meet such an adult male also. Unless as you say he necked it quickly (or was very petite).

VWCVT6 · 27/02/2023 16:54

Appleblum · 26/02/2023 00:53

Isn't the issue here that you're finishing a whole bottle by yourself? I honestly don't know of anybody who'd still have their faculties after that.

Have you tried limiting yourself to 2 or 3 glasses and see if it makes a difference?

I know loads.

Watchkeys · 27/02/2023 18:41

Sarahcoggles · 27/02/2023 15:58

I don't drink and I wouldn't enjoy watching my partner down a bottle of wine every Friday night, especially if his personality changed.

And that's fine, but would you sulk and tell your partner that he was sexually disappointing you?

Wiccan · 27/02/2023 19:03

This is all about him controlling the OP the wine is being used to justify it . To think the OP has to hide Fanta cans because of his attitude is really quite worrying. One bottle of wine a week is fine and OP has said it doesn't effect her daily routines.

TheBigWangTheory · 27/02/2023 20:32

Sarahcoggles · 27/02/2023 15:58

I don't drink and I wouldn't enjoy watching my partner down a bottle of wine every Friday night, especially if his personality changed.

He doesn't exist for your enjoyment.

Fucks sake, so many controlling tea-total bores on here.

VWCVT6 · 27/02/2023 20:52

TheBigWangTheory · 27/02/2023 20:32

He doesn't exist for your enjoyment.

Fucks sake, so many controlling tea-total bores on here.

Show quote history

Some people who don't drink are really judgmental.

Not all people. Not most people who don't drink.

The few that have a mini breakdown if someone suggests they like a drink.

They count the units, then give figures as if people don't already know. They act like they have just discovered the units thing and act all smug and shocked.

Zanatdy · 27/02/2023 20:56

Maybe if her DH got his ass out of bed at the crack of dawn with the kids on the weekend instead of 10am OP would have more energy to have sex with him. Like hell I’d quit my weekly bottle of wine (which actually isn’t that bad at all) because he said so. It would be different if it was affecting your weekend as you were hungover etc but it’s not.

VWCVT6 · 27/02/2023 21:08

Yellowdays · 26/02/2023 08:57

Finishing a bottle is 6 glasses of wine, and is binge drinking. It's dangerous.

😂 .

What is going to happen?

Abouttimemum · 27/02/2023 21:20

I don’t drink in the house (I just don’t like to, I drink socially when I go out but I’m not bothered)

DH does drink but usually a bottle of wine a week to relax after a week at work. I’m not keen on him when he’s had a drink just because it’s not him (not in a bad way) and it makes him anxious (he has periods of depression) but it’s one night and it’s up to him and doesn’t impact on our evening or relationship.

As it happens he just did dry January and said he felt like the fog has lifted so he’s trying not to drink at the moment. It’s up to him.

Basically if you want a bottle of wine at the end of the week then go for it. It’s one night!

VWCVT6 · 27/02/2023 21:22

Do non drinkers not realise that a lot of others take risks and not stick to units/health advise.

Smokers
Drug Users
Over Eaters
Non Exercisers
Dangerous Jobs

Me and my DH like a couple of drinks at the weekend and do non of the above.

Wiccan · 27/02/2023 21:49

Ilovelurchers · 25/02/2023 20:52

I think this one is really difficult:

From your point of view, you aren't drinking a massive amount, and don't appear to have any type of problem with drink from what you say. You enjoy drinking once a week, which isn't endangering your health, wasting loads of family money or anything else, and you quite understandably feel somewhat controlled by your partner when he tries to stop you doing something you enjoy. (and it sounds like he has form for being low-key controlling about random stuff in general, which is no doubt adding to your frustration.)

From his point of view, being around a pissed person (even if only somewhat pissed) is often not a lot of fun when you are sober. I used to have a drink problem and am long-term sober now and I have to say that I cannot think of ANYONE I know whose personality is actively improved by drinking. And in my experience it's those closest to us that become the most annoying when drunk - I have absolutely no problem being around random acquaintances who are drunk; with some close friends and family it frustrates me a bit after a while ; and my (completely wonderful) husband, when he still drank, used to annoy me ENORMOUSLY when drunk (tho I accepted of course that it was his free choice to drink) - he repeated himself, insisted he was right about random stuff, was much more quixotic and moody, and just generally not nearly as interesting or fun to talk to!

I have no idea if you are like this to any extent OP, but if you are I can feel your husband's pain! No judgement here at all from me towards people who drink - how could there be? - I was the worst drunk in the world before I stopped! My husband (who is a fucking MARVELLOUS human being) eventually decided to stop drinking himself after I had a lapse and fell off the wagon during a rocky patch, and he decided with the help of a counsellor that he could better support me in my sobriety by going sober himself. It's been brilliant for both of us and I am SO lucky to have a man who has done this for me - I know it is not something anyone ever has the right to expect or demand.....

Your situation is different and in a sense less pressing. So I was wondering if a compromise was possible - could you have a night out once a week and drink then, if he is happy to stay home with the kids? Either out with a friend or, if money is an issue, go to a friend or family member's place if you have any close by who like an occasional drink too, and share a bottle of wine and a chat? That way, you still get your chance to enjoy a drink and unwind, but he doesn't have to get frustrated by you if you are less than brilliant company when drunk..... Reciprocally, he should also get a night out once a week seeing a mate or doing a hobby or whatever, if he would enjoy that....

Sorry, that is an epic response - hope none of it sounds offensive or judgemental, because it really isn't meant to - I see everyone's point in this situation!

You are missing the point . He's saying don't drink I want sex and I can't do it if you nod off . This is coercive !

iamenough2023 · 27/02/2023 22:01

As everything else in relationships this is not something we, the public, can help you with, it is something you and your husband need to sort out. As you can see some people are taking your side and some your husbands, it is because we are all different, and we differ in what we want/do not want to tolerate in our partners. I think that you have to be honest with yourself and ask how this all is making you feel.

My ex-husband was like this, always judging me, what and how much I drank and what and how much I ate, and it drove me absolutely crazy. I personally think that as an adult I should make my own decisions as long as I am not endangering anybody’s safety and well being.

WhoSaidWhat123 · 28/02/2023 17:16

Nighttoremember · 27/02/2023 16:36

What is your point here?
That she still shouldn't be 'boring' to the Lord husband once a week?
Give over!

Show quote history

Exactly. It’s one night a week. There are 6 other nights to not be “boring” because of enjoying a bottle of wine. He doesn’t have to sit there and listen for that one night a week. My DH will play the PS5 occasionally (yes we’re in our 30’s!), which is boring for me to watch, I will either watch a movie on the ipad in the lounge or will go to bed and watch tv. I don’t have to sit there with him same as OP’s DH doesn’t have to sit there while she deservedly unwinds on a Friday.

WhoSaidWhat123 · 28/02/2023 17:22

VWCVT6 · 27/02/2023 20:52

Some people who don't drink are really judgmental.

Not all people. Not most people who don't drink.

The few that have a mini breakdown if someone suggests they like a drink.

They count the units, then give figures as if people don't already know. They act like they have just discovered the units thing and act all smug and shocked.

Show quote history

And I wonder if they stick to the guidance on how many calories, sugar, salt, saturated fat they should consume in a day! Doubt it! Or if they count calories and units etc. how very strange. Why not just enjoy life in moderation. A bottle of wine might be a couple of units over the daily guidance, at the end of the day it’s guidance. For those saying OP has a drinking problem, being able to limit alcohol for one night a week (even if it is a whole bottle), is hardly a problem. So a glass an evening would be more acceptable “unit wise” but then I bet some would still call it a problem and that OP can’t go a night without alcohol.

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