Husband doesn't like me drinking.

[Cara003344]

My husband isn't a big drinker. He isn't very bothered with it. I would drink usually once a week. Friday night drink 3 to 4 glasses of wine. I do normally finish the bottle. Sometimes he will have a drink sometimes he won't. Neither of us go out like maybe once to twice a year. Have 3 small kids and very busy. He hates when I drink as he says that it annoys him I will sometimes fall asleep and we end up not doing anything in bed. He says it isn't much fun for him watching me drink while he doesn't. He also says that he can tell when I have had a drink or 2 as I change. He says not in what I say or do, just in small ways I am not the same as sober. He does not like that either.

I could just not drink but I have always felt it should be my choice whether to have a drink or not as an adult. Admittedly there have been a good few occasions in my life where I have overindulged and he brings them up when we talk about alcohol. I am starting to think maybe he is right and I shouldn't drink, I do really enjoy the relaxing feeling of having a few on a friday night after a very hectic week but if I am upsetting him by doing that then maybe the amount I have doesn't matter and I need to just stop.

Has anyone been through this with a partner. If one partner does not drink is it unfair of the other to do so if this bothers the non drinking partner. Struggling to see it from an outside view.

he can be judgy in general and that is a big issue for me. So I don't know is he just being judgy or is there a genuine concern here.

The OP says she isn’t drunk. She is with him whilst having a glass of wine and sometimes he has a glass or two. She isn’t choosing to get pissed and ignoring him. If the OP was doing something else bar drinking the answers on this thread would be very, very different. There is a puritanical anti drink zeal on MN that just is not reflected in the real lives of most people. The OP is as far from a problem drinker as it is possible to be. Maybe her husband could do a bit more with the children or around the house and she wouldn’t be falling asleep on a Friday evening. She just said he lies in bed until 10am on a Saturday whilst she is up at 5am looking after children

Are you sure you're his wife and not staff?

She drinks a bottle of wine and falls asleep. Of course the alcohol is affecting her. Her husband has said she is different when she is drinking. If she has built up tolerance to drink a bottle of wine with no effect - then she has an alcohol problem. Not drinking a bottle of wine in one session isn't anti-drinking. If her husband was downing 10 beers every Friday night and falling asleep but telling her he wasn't drink and any signs of intoxication she saw were just all in her head, I would feel the same way.

Given your dp does not like you drinking cans of Fanta, much less wine, do you not think he’s being a bit controlling?
I’d be really considering my lifestyle choices with such a partner.

Her husband says she is, but no one else ever has. Do you think the issue is the husband? Or you are so fixated on the presence of alcohol here that it’s blinding you to the obvious?

Who else is around on these Friday evenings?

You should read up on what 10 units of alcohol in one sitting does to your BAC. It is considered binge drinking for a reason. To have the BAC she would have after 10 units and have no impairment would be almost impossible. Would she really be comfortable driving after those ten units as she is truly as impervious to the effects of alcohol as she says she is.

No, I don't think the issue is the husband. Or I shouldn't say I don't know if the issue is the husband. Alcohol has caused issues in many marriages and I know many people who wouldn't be okay if their spouse was binge drinking once a week - especially on a night when they happen to have a chance to have quality time together.

This is just absolute nonsense. The equivalent is 4-5 beers. I don't know anyone who would bat an eye at someone drinking 5 beers or 1 bottle of wine in one sitting. Your body processes 1 unit an hour (approx) so it is totally reasonable to think she would be 100% bright and fresh at 5am having drunk 1 bottle of wine over an evening. I regularly fall asleep on the sofa totally sober because I'm tired! I don't even have kids! If you don't drink that's fine, but stop implying people are alcoholics because they do.

@JasmineInHerHair

so what is he having to compromise? It’s not compromising to stop drinking completely just because he doesn’t like it. That’s control. It’s literally one night a week. Be different if it was more, then she could compromise to cut down the nights. But it’s just one night. Maybe he could compromise by asking her if she had a friends house she could go and relax and have a few glasses once a week, or he could leave the house for a few hours on a Friday night so she could have a friend over to unwind.

This entire thread is absolutely ridiculous, the answers in a gender reverse would be completely different

The equivalent of a bottle of wine for a woman is not 4-5 beers for a man. There are many charts on BAC that show the differences.

I didn't say she was an alcoholic.

I do drink. I don't binge drink every weekend but I do drink - just more in moderation and not in a way that interferes with my marriage.

@Lizziet64

I remember getting ripped to shreds on MN before about drinking 4 glasses of prosecco to myself on a Saturday night. I was consuming way too much apparently and was binge drinking! There are literally people that drink a couple of glasses every night, and there are others who go out and get hammered every weekend! However I don’t judge, each to their own! But I couldn’t believe what some people were calling me!

She didn’t say no impairment. There is a middle ground between sober and drunk. You would be over the limit driving even with one glass of wine, it’s frankly mad you imagine anyone is saying the OP would be able to drive a car after three or four glasses. That doesn’t mean she has been transformed in to an abusive drunk. You are perhaps projecting your experience of the impact of abuse of alcohol on marriages and choosing to ignore the clearly controlling husband who doesn’t even like his wife drinking Fanta.

I know how many units are in drinks, I've looked at the nhs website. You implied she was an alcoholic. What's is interfering with her marriage is a controlling husband.

I didn't say she transformed into an abusive drunk. But it impacts her enough that her husband feels it is an issue and it impacts on their relationship.

And her terrible occasional fanta habit - does that impact him and the relationship too? 🙄

What a load of bull. She doesn't exist for his entertainment. Her choices don't need to be "fun" for him to watch.
Why the fuck should she not drink any wine at all because he doesn't like her to? He's a controlling twat and you're no better with this inane advice.

If not liking something your spouse does makes one an abusive controlling spouse then pretty much every poster on here is an abusive controlling spouse because the vast majority of posts about relationships are about one person not liking something their partner does.

I dated someone years ago who was a health nut and he hated my diet coke habit. He wasn't abusive or controlling in the least. I didn't like his protein shakes or the amount of time he spent making it every morning. It didn't mean we were both abusers in a controlling abusive relationship because there was something about the other person we didn't like. People even in marriages can have different opinions.

I could find a long list of posts within seconds of a poster complaining or judging something their spouse does - and without all the responses calling her an abusive controlling asshole for not embracing without judging every habit her spouse has. There are even a lot of posters upset about their partners drinking and the responses are not that it is controlling to not accept drinking if that is what he wants to do and that her needs and desires should never be voiced.

@musingsinmidlife do you think she should also give up Fanta and coke because he doesn't like her drinking that either?

Maybe she doesn't like that he smokes cigars or that he does x or y or z. Every marriage has differences of opinions and viewpoints. He isn't telling her she can't buy them or drink them. He just doesn't like this unhealthy habit she has.

And the OP says she falls asleep other evening too, not just when she's had a few glasses of wine. But her husband doesn't judge those in the same way.

I don't think she should give up anything, I haven't stated that anywhere. Nor have I read that her husband has asked her to give up anything either.

OK, so should OP also consider giving up Fanta and coke because he doesn't like her drinking that either?

Some folks have a very odd relationship with alcohol. It’s like prohibition time.

op he doesn’t get to make this decision or try to control you. Continue to enjoy your wine.

@Cara003344 I wonder what would happen if you only drank wine once a month, would he still be disapproving? Or accepting pp's pov about binge drinking, if you had 2 glasses of wine every Friday, would he still be disapproving?

I suspect he would.

If you make it uncomfortable for the other person to do something and huff & puff over it, then it's little difference to telling them outright not to do it. It's just a passive aggressive way of getting them to feel so uncomfortable they don't do it any more.