BF not happy with 'sex work'

[Wineforever]

No judgement please, just advice. Basically finally told BF (we've been together 3 months nearly) how I make money. I went back to uni last year and to support myself Ive been selling worn items online, got 4 regular buyers now and its been a steady income with not much effort, which is ideal with studying, literally just wear the items for a day or two, dont even pay for postage as i include that in the total. Don't meet any of them, no camming, no naked photos or ever show my face, however he's not happy and is saying he'll support me while I'm studying, but I don't want him doing that, or having to ask him for money, especially so early into the relationship. I like being independent. And i feel like he's judging me, which doesn't feel great, especially since doing this work it's actually made me feel a lot more self confident (I'm at least a stone or two over weight) and now since our argument i just feel bad about myself again.

Its not that i dont get why he's annoyed, but studying is important for me and I'm earning money whilst not having to go out and work, and i dont want to be indebted to him, and feel generally like he's trying to tell me what to do, so really conflicted. He's mentioned moving in together and ive told him its too soon for that. I wish now I'd not said anything but thought it best to be honest. He's never asked before, just knew i was studying full time.

@Wineforever I could go on
profiling him. But, I don't want to risk derailing your thread. I was going to put alot of more of 'him' in my last post but decided against it. If you want more of my random insights pm me. It could get outing or be very generic. But it feels like I know this guy or at the very least his type.

What I will say though, is that the type of flattery he's giving you. He's given to others. Bet it feels far too practiced. Because, it is. I would challenge it and see how true it rings. It sounds far too intense for how early it is. That's how these types operate. He will also use guilt to try and manipulate you into giving you what he wants to give you. The neediness he is showing you is his lack of self esteem and need to feel like a 'man'. If you start to pull back slightly, change how you contact him (dont answer that morning text or leave it much longer to reply) or change/cancel when you're seeing him he will start to panic. The raw neediness and desperation will surface even more.

You don't sound like you need saving at all. You sound like you have your shit together and are way out of his league and he knows it. He will tell you how much he admires that and loves an independent, successful woman. But, what he means is independent with his input. He needs you to save him from his own insecurities and you give him that ego boost he craves. (which you're doing without probably even fully realising how much you're giving him)

One last question, since this has all surfaced and may be has been simmering under the surface for a while now...Have you started to get the ick but are making excuses for it and him because of how he seems to be on the surface? Are you second guessing yourself and not wanting to appear or be superficial?

This with bells ringing loud and clear. He will probably have already mentioned marriage and kids. Bet he's desperate for kids.

The postage costs for my pants would put them right off

Theres a big possibility he’s not bad, he can also be a good guy wanting to help out his girlfriend. If my friends or family asked me: “so what does your boyfriend does for a living?” And I had to answer : “oh, he just sells his used underwear to dirty old men on the internet” it would make for an akward conversation, maybe one your boyfriend doesn’t want to have with friends because deep down he finds the gig shameful. While Some would see you as a highly entrepreneurial business woman others would see you as a sex worker with no morals, it’s all in the eye of the beholder. Your BF seems to belong to the second cathegory I’m afraid. I’m not sure how I would feel about my partner selling his dirty underwear to gay men on the internet so they can wan-k over it. Tough one. Seems like this relationship might not work because you seem to have very different values.

@emptythelitterbox @OneMoreCookieMonster Starting to see red flags yes! It's all too pushy and way too fast, which I find stifling to be honest. Like I say I rushed into moving in with my ex and regretted it, so don't want to make the same mistake again. I don't know how to explain it but he's either super charming and flattering or he's being dismissive and hates being contradicted or not getting his own way, just one example i told him last weekend I was staying in as had a load of work to do, he turns up Saturday night when I was in pj's insisting he's booked a table, it was a wonderful surprise apparently! 😣

@Sandra1984 to be fair he could just say I'm a full time student, which I am, no need to say any more really to his friends. Why would they need to know any more?
I get that some people think what I do is wrong or not moral etc thats fine. As I said I'm fine with what I do and think its pretty tame compared to what a lot of people get up to in private, however I get sexuality and kinks are still seen as grubby by some people.

@Wineforever to be fair he could just say I'm a full time student, which I am, no need to say any more really to his friends. Why would they need to know any more?

You're asking a person to lie to his friends and loved ones to save your "reputation" (observe inverted commas), why would he lie when he's also not comfortable with your gig? you guys are not on the same page and that's the problem.

@Wineforever As I said I'm fine with what I do and think its pretty tame compared to what a lot of people get up to in private, however I get sexuality and kinks are still seen as grubby by some people.

Again, you say you're OK with it but want don't want his friends to know? If you were so OK about it you wouldn't give a toss what his friends think. The fact he 's ashamed by your gig is HIS bloody problem (one he needs to solve by himself), not yours. let him solve his problems and you do you.

@Wineforever just one example i told him last weekend I was staying in as had a load of work to do, he turns up Saturday night when I was in pj's insisting he's booked a table, it was a wonderful surprise apparently!

This man is not respecting your boundaries, clearly it's all about him, this is a huge red flag that you need to look at. Personally I would bin this one and move on with my life.

just one example i told him last weekend I was staying in as had a load of work to do, he turns up Saturday night when I was in pj's insisting he's booked a table, it was a wonderful surprise apparently!

Good grief, does he think he's starring in "Love Actually", that handbook of dysfunctional Romance Industry-peddled bullshit?

That is SO disrespectful, & shows the disdain he has for your time & independent will. Dump the twat!

@Wineforever As I said I'm fine with what I do and think its pretty tame compared to what a lot of people get up to in private, however I get sexuality and kinks are still seen as grubby by some people.

Again, you say you're OK with it but want don't want his friends to know? If you were so OK about it you wouldn't give a toss what his friends think. The fact he 's ashamed by your gig is HIS bloody problem (one he needs to solve by himself), not yours. let him solve his problems and you do you.

In your rush to spew pomposity all over OP's thread, you have dropped your comprehension skills somewhere along the way.

OP doesn't care what his frends think - HE cares what his friends think.
All Op was doing was pointing out that he doesn't need to advertise her side gig if he doesn't want his friends knowing about it, & it's the simplest thing in the workd to just truthfully describe her as what she is - a student.

He's not showing you and your needs any respect. I would have sent him straight home. How dare he after weeks of dating just show up at yours and expect you to drop everything when you already said you were unavailable.

If you did go for dinner, and then subsequently spent the night with him. (I'm not judging you) he got exactly what he wanted. Knows he can push your boundaries by showing you he knows what's best for you. It's more blatant controlling behaviour.

Turning him away probably would have involved some sort of temper tantrum and guilting you about how thoughtful he had been. He's beginning to sound dangerous.

@KettrickenSmiled OP doesn't care what his frends think - HE cares what his friends think. All Op was doing was pointing out that he doesn't need to advertise her side gig if he doesn't want his friends knowing about it, & it's the simplest thing in the workd to just truthfully describe her as what she is - a student.

Well, she's asking her boyfriend to lie to friends and loved ones about how she financially supports herself, as much as I think he's a jerk... why should she expect him to be comfortable doing that?

Where has she asked him to lie? Shes told him he can lie if he wants to. She doesn't care if his friends know.

She's not asking him to lie.

And your point is immaterial, so I'm not sure why you remain so attached to it.
It's plain as a pikestaff that she's gearing up to dump the controlling arse.

@KettrickenSmiled She's not asking him to lie.

Sorry, must have misinterpreted it then.

Ah, a captain-save-a-ho. Except she doesn’t need saving, or helping, given that she’s quite comfortable with what she does. She’s not asked him to lie to his friends, or to anyone. He’s the one with the problem.

He doesn’t get to demand she changes something that isn’t a problem for her, even if he wants to dress it up as ‘helping’. If he doesn’t like it then he’s free to leave (if OP doesn’t jettison him first, which hopefully she does).

To be fair @Sandra1984 you brought up the hypothetical conversation with his friends, as far as I'm aware no ones been digging into my private life asking him how i make money, I doubt his friends would even be bothered to ask, and if they are asking about me then saying I'm a full time student isn't a lie. But regardless i couldn't care less what they think, and haven't asked anyone to lie on my behalf. I'm perfectly happy doing what I do and the people who I do value ie my friends ive known since school are all supportive.

@OneMoreCookieMonster basically I'd had a takeaway so said no chance of going out to eat. He stayed for about half hour generally annoying me about how women were supposed to love spontaneity? I just said i told you I was studying but he didn't get it, then later apologised and i just said forget it!

I am starting to think it'll be a lot easier being single 😣 just things like that annoy the hell out of me

basically I'd had a takeaway so said no chance of going out to eat. He stayed for about half hour generally annoying me about how women were supposed to love spontaneity?

He just can't help himself can he?

He refused to hear your "no.
He follows the Romance Industry's ghastly Love Actually type scripting because he can't be authentic around women. (Showing his OWN lack of spontaneity: he needed to follow a script ...)
His use of the "supposed to" proves he sees women as a single entity that he just needs a 'hack' to operate successfully.
He places no value on your time. You were meant to be delighted at his heavy-handed trampling all over your planned study evening.

How utterly insulting & demeaning.
Yet another bloke who doesn't see women as fully human.
Get rid.

@Wineforever basically I'd had a takeaway so said no chance of going out to eat. He stayed for about half hour generally annoying me about how women were supposed to love spontaneity? I just said i told you I was studying but he didn't get it, then later apologised and i just said forget it!

I just love how “spontaneity” has been used by my few narcissist/very controlling ex’s as a sorry excuse for “I get to choose when to see you but you don’t, and if you complaint about me not respecting your boundaries I’ll just acuse you of not being spontaneous enough”.

“Spontaneity” is the favourite cover up for narcissist controlling behaviour, it’s a very known gaslighting technique.

Wanting to move in with you after a few weeks of meeting, love bombing, saying he wants to take financial care etc… these are all favourites of the controlling narcissist so looks like your guy has more red flags than a Chinese convention.

@Sandra1984 @KettrickenSmiled thats really making me think actually! Didn't realise it was a claasic narcissist move 😣 I felt really stressed like he was invading my time and almost wanting to hurry me out of the door, in my own home!

It is probably partly some rubbish he's picked up from dating/hook up sites about what women apparently want. I would never turn up at his unannounced with plans Ive made especially if he'd made it clear he was working! No warning either, text, he'd clearly booked a table earlier that day so no excuse for not warning me or asking me first 😣

Are you happy to wank over other women’s bodies via porn etc though? Wouldn’t that be a huge double standard when all she’s doing is popping some pants in the post?

I felt really stressed like he was invading my time and almost wanting to hurry me out of the door, in my own home!
As you already know he doesn't want you to have your own home, he wants you to give up your home and your income and live with him, that way it will be much easier to keep you under control.
He won't have to spend all that time trying to manipulate you by accusing you of not being spontaneous enough, and then suffering the humiliation of you not obeying him!
When he has you trapped and completely dependant on him all he needs to do is generate a subtle air of menace and threat and you will have to comply.... That is what he is working towards.

@Naunet there seems to be double standards yes in regards to a partner getting off to porn when they've got the house to themselves etc.... where's the line?

@Thesharkradar the way I feel at the moment there are no plans to move in together 😣 at least I've got an excuse now I've said I'm not stopping the online stuff. He can find someone else to "look after" and be spontaneous with!

Well done. I know it's hard, but he is literally a walking red flag. It will only get worse. And, over time it will erode your self confidence and self worth. You'll be so wrapped up in trying to make sense of it all. Be strong and be you. There's no reason for you (or anyone) to settle for shit like this.

In the next few weeks his mask will drop more and more. He is already following the covert narcissistic handbook (have a google) gaslighting, guilt tripping, love bombing etc

Wineforever

you have done the right thing x

@OneMoreCookieMonster @Thisisworsethananticpated thank you both! I feel like I've finally got to a place where I'm happy and focused, and independent, and i don't want to give that up. Looking back he was definitely a love-bomber.. all about big gestures!

Money for old rope. Lol.