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Original poster

Not being an awful MIL is much harder than it looks!

244 replies

Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:34

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

OP posts:
Angelil · 23/02/2023 19:47

But do you know why they are so involved? Is it really at her/their behest or do the PILs impose themselves on them in a way that you don’t? I think that makes a difference.

Wexone · 23/02/2023 19:49

I actually get on better with my mother in law than my onw mother. I will talk to her via what's app or phone a few times a week, She is also very good to us never interferes but helps us out. We in turn help her out when aswell. My own parents only ring me when they want something, often arrange things with my other siblings with out us. My husband however does most of the work for her rings her most times aswell as calls in own. I would in this case ring him more often invite for dinner ext, as them lots about their life
For what its worth, i can not fathom out why the parents would need to be shown the house at viewings (unless they are contributing to help to buy) Why are they involved in decoration? Its not their house , they are not living there? I don't get why people need to involve people ( outside of who it affects) in these decisions. When we were discussing our house, it was only with my husband, only when it was built that we showed both sets of parents, yes they were aware we were buying it, but they were told not asked for their opinion it as it didn't affect them in the slightest

Silvers11 · 23/02/2023 19:52

I know others have said it but I also would like to say that the saying 'A son's a son until he finds him a wife, a daughter is MY daughter for the rest of your life' has a great deal of truth in it, if not always the case

Generally, Women are MUCH better at staying in touch with family members. It's the way of the world. It follows that your DIL will quite naturally make arrangements for meet ups with family while your Son won't be as good at doing that - and that then leads to other things, like offers of help and advice from her family, babysitting etc and you don't get asked because the subject has already come up while meeting with her family. Often it's not deliberate, it's just the natural progression of things

I have 2 grown up children - one daughter and one son. I am absolutely certain that they both love me but my daughter is much better than my son at 'keeping in touch' even although my son is the one who I am closest to in terms of our relationship and how we relate to each other

It IS a difficult thing to get the balance right between being seen as an interfering MIL and stepping back so much that your children think you aren't especially bothered about seeing them - or not.

My advice to you is to make more effort to take the initiative and invite them over, or to go out for a meal or to visit them. My daughter's In Laws see much more of her family than we do - or at least they did, because when my grandson was a baby I was working, while her MIL was retired and stay at home so she did a lot of childcare ( and still does some). Since I retired I see much more of my Daughter and her family, very regularly, but for a while it did take more effort to make it clear that my circumstances had changed and I was a lot more available. People get into routines and it can be difficult to get them to change without effort on your part

You need to talk to your Son - and make actual friends with your DIL - and why can't you tell them that you disagree with the advice that DS in laws have given them? Your son has clearly told you what their views are, Nothing wrong with telling them that you disagree

Terven · 23/02/2023 19:52

Invite all of them to you a few times and see how it goes? Maybe they’ll return the favour? Try to get to know her parents more. Be a part of it.

AllyArty · 23/02/2023 19:58

Why don’t you ask your son how would he like u to help? Say how u have seen on FB all the involvement his GFs parents have and u would like to help also. I think you are going to have to bite your tongue with you sons GF, smile and compliment her. Because if she is not at ease in your company u will see less of your son. It’s hard for you I know. But hopefully they may be grandchildren in the future and I’m sure u will want to be involved at that stage.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/02/2023 20:13

I'm so sorry OP. I would have a quiet word with your son and say you feel a bit left out.

Raddyradiator · 23/02/2023 20:18

OP you sound lovely and have made me see things from a different perspective with my MIL!

Your DS' gf sounds like more of an "organiser" and your DS maybe just sits back and lets all these outings/meetings happen. My DH is similar in that sense. He sees his parents regularly but it's his parents who do the organising to see him regularly and call him regularly (he will never call his parents for a chat). It's just the type of person he is rather than any ill intention on his part so you might need to do a bit more organising to see your DS. Eventually he might get the message and take it upon himself to do some organising...!

PetitPorpoise · 23/02/2023 20:19

I don't look forward to being a mother in law but to be honest I doubt I will be able to simply step back and wait for them to come to me. It's not how I was raised, and it's not how my children are growing up either.

I can't imagine not phoning my children at least weekly, or seeing them regularly for a cup of tea or a Sunday lunch. If and when grandchildren come along I will be interested even after the prickly PFB protective bubble phase is over and when they need help I will be there, as my mum and my MIL have been there for me.

If i'm to be judged harshly, I'd rather be seen as 'pain the arse but heart is in the right place', than 'standoffish and doesn't give a shit'.

Scotland32 · 23/02/2023 20:22

Xrays · 23/02/2023 07:38

This is really sad, and I feel for you. I think there’s an old saying “a daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son till he takes a wife” and it seems to ring true so many times. 😞 (I worry about this with my own son as he gets older). I don’t really have any words of advice but you sound very lovely and grounded and I think all you can do is give them space and make them as welcome as you can and hopefully you’ll grow your own special relationship with them.

This is true I think

RyanRenolds · 23/02/2023 20:25

Why not invite them all over for a meal, build strong bridges and foundations, and be included in the family, perhaps a night out with ds MIL, or lunch? Take Son and gf out just the 3 of you, create memories, and enjoy life.

Thepossibility · 23/02/2023 20:28

My MIL and I have turned our relationship around.
Back in the early days she would have said it was much the same as you are describing yours to be with your DIL. We spent the time with my family because that's where I was comfortable.
So she would have felt cast aside for my own family. And it's true my DH probably went along with whatever I wanted to do.
My MIL saying anything negative about it definitely pushed us away further back then. We clashed a bit in the early days as she was used to being the only woman in my DH life and was holding onto the mothering role with an iron fist.
Nowadays we are closer to DH family than my own!
To achieve this outcome my MIL

  1. Remained excited to see us, but not pushy.
  2. Offered help but wasn't negative or pushy about it. Don't go quiet because you are jealous! This will kill the relationship!
  3. Offered a lot of support and encouragement and as a result over the years our (my)appreciation for her has grown.

My DH rings her all the time for long chats now because she really listens to him and cares what he has to say.
We prioritise seeing her on special holidays because she's been so wonderful to us over the years.
My family are the big characters, but she is like the heart of the family.
You can fix this.

MumToTwo2022 · 23/02/2023 20:31

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 23/02/2023 07:48

They see her family all the time because she wants to and she arranges it.

Your son does not arrange time to see you, so why should she have to be the one to do it?

As a consequence of course they spend all their time with her family. You only have yourself to blame for bringing him up like that.

I think this is pretty harsh and unkind.
There's nothing to suggest she hasn't bought her son up perfectly well....There's many other factors.
This mother is clearly hurting over this so don't be such a cow!!

Purplepurse · 23/02/2023 20:44

Invite your DIL parents over for a meal. We have built a relationship with my DILs parents by arranging days out and meals at each others homes. Only two or three times a year but it gives the feeling of being an extended family and belonging together. It might help.

Trainnerd · 23/02/2023 20:46

I gave up reading the replies OP as they were starting to snipe and be rude at you when IMO you sounded lovely and I thought the suggestion you were being difficult was unfair.

My own sons aren’t quite at this age yet but whilst we are really close I can already totally imagine them being more passive when it comes to spending time with the other side of their future partnerships family. Not out of malice but more likely being so laid back and just not emotionally switched on!

It has happened exactly as you describe with me, my sisters and my brother and our parents/in laws too. It’s like the natural way it falls for some reason.

So it think you have to shake your fear of being pushy and nudge your way in a bit more. Phone them, text, offer to go and visit and to help with the new house. Offer to make the tea and unpack boxes on
moving day as you can guarantee her parents will be there!

So long as you aren’t critical and remain interested and keen but aware of the crucial overstepping mark then I think putting yourselves more in their lives rather than leaving it to your son to invite you in is just fine.

Can I be honest tho? you sound quite independent and like you have a good full life of your own and I wonder if her parents weren’t quite so larger than life and into all their business if the current level of contact you have would actually feel fine? Is it more the comparison that hurts? That’s not wrong and I’d be the same but might be worth pondering on?

Trainnerd · 23/02/2023 20:47

Thepossibility · 23/02/2023 20:28

My MIL and I have turned our relationship around.
Back in the early days she would have said it was much the same as you are describing yours to be with your DIL. We spent the time with my family because that's where I was comfortable.
So she would have felt cast aside for my own family. And it's true my DH probably went along with whatever I wanted to do.
My MIL saying anything negative about it definitely pushed us away further back then. We clashed a bit in the early days as she was used to being the only woman in my DH life and was holding onto the mothering role with an iron fist.
Nowadays we are closer to DH family than my own!
To achieve this outcome my MIL

  1. Remained excited to see us, but not pushy.
  2. Offered help but wasn't negative or pushy about it. Don't go quiet because you are jealous! This will kill the relationship!
  3. Offered a lot of support and encouragement and as a result over the years our (my)appreciation for her has grown.

My DH rings her all the time for long chats now because she really listens to him and cares what he has to say.
We prioritise seeing her on special holidays because she's been so wonderful to us over the years.
My family are the big characters, but she is like the heart of the family.
You can fix this.

This is a lovely post ( and useful/hopeful for us mums of sons!)

IncessantNameChanger · 23/02/2023 20:51

I have found with my mil and my step mil they have both made nasty comments on my weight, both slapped my kids. So there's a low boundary bar I'm not going to cross. I don't think it's always about over baring or stepping back. It's more about biting your tongue and being civil. Don't step back so much, suggest things to do together, ask if you can go to things / be included. Dont say your better qualified to give advice. Font treat dil family like they are idiots. My mil doesn't even belive I know about stuff I have my degree in! In fact, she pretty much holds me in contempt.

Daisy54 · 23/02/2023 21:00

You don’t sound like an unreasonable mother in law.
Perhaps, sons are not so good at organizing get togethers and maintaining contact? I see that with my husband. I used to arrange meet ups with his mother. I don’t bother anymore, as too much contact with her nearly caused us to separate.
We have 1 child, a boy and I know one day he will grow up and I will have to let him go. I’m the first woman in his life, but not the last. Im hoping my career and my hobbies will make it an easier process.

Madamum18 · 23/02/2023 21:04

It is interesting though, that even when a MIL tries to explain, people go on the attack.

Yes it is interesting. You have been quite open about realising NOW where your own MIL was coming from, you have said quite clearly that you want him to be a good partner etc. You have admitted to feeling left out and sad that they spend so much time with her parents etc. Fair enough to feel like that. You don not deserve the lectures you have received.

I wonder if it would help to be pro active yourself in arranging meals with them. Invite them over, ask if you can pop in for a cuppa maybe, meet for coffee, ask lots about plans, house etc and make helpful but not intrusive suggestions,. Good luck, I know it is hard! Flowers

Throwncrumbs · 23/02/2023 21:16

Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:34

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

Welcome to my world, I kept my mouth closed until before Christmas when a comment was made that upset me. I’m now the bad person who caused upset and have had limited time with my grandchildren since (2 hours twice in 4 months) I’m heartbroken. My husband says to just let it go but I don’t want to be treated like 2nd best anymore. It’s hard, don’t know what the solution is but coming off all social media helps as I now don’t see all the happy family (bar us) photos anymore!

Delectable · 23/02/2023 21:16

You need to have a heart to heart with your son and later if necessary, with them both. Surely as ordinary human beings they'll understand a widow needs more company than a couple but you don't require more just about equal at least.

Boringcookingquestion · 23/02/2023 21:21

Do you offer to help and invite them for dinners etc? I understand not wanting to interfere but it’s possible to go too far the other way.

Try asking them if they fancy going for a meal or want any help decorating. They might be over the moon to see more of you.

Boringcookingquestion · 23/02/2023 21:26

Just to add, we see more of my mum than either my dad or in-laws largely because she organises more. It’s nothing to do with caring about one parent over the others Flowers

Babooshka1990 · 23/02/2023 21:37

It comes off as you not being as interested or supportive though. My MIL turned down an invite to Christmas dinner (babies first) saying she didn't want to ‘interfere’ with our family Christmas. Very weird and I was wondering if she just didn’t give a crap about us.

TheSingingBean · 23/02/2023 21:46

I think the ‘a son’s a son till he finds a wife’ thing is overdone personally.

We have sons and a daughter. They all keep contact with us and are considerate and affectionate. I really think it’s more of a personality thing.

I hope mums of young sons reading threads like this where the saying is repeated don’t feel disheartened. Adult sons absolutely can be close to their parents.

Marinapeppina · 23/02/2023 21:53

My mum is like this and it drives me nuts. Sorry OP, you sound nice but it's a very passive way to be. She doesn't want to push in but is then all silently mopey about not being included. When her "not wanting to be pushy" is actually just complete inaction on her part and we just assume she's not interested.

If you want to see your son and his girlfriend, give them the gift of not having to organise it. Suggest concrete plans to them but don't be cross if they can't make them, give them grace. Being young professionals and buying your first house is a really busy time, it shouldn't really be up to them to have to initiate and organise seeing you 100% of the time.

I wonder if a fear of rejection is at the heart of it. Feeling like, if you don't put yourself out there, you can't be rejected. But of course not putting yourself out there just ensures a kind of pre-rejection.

It's not the being present part that makes a nightmare MIL, it's the quality of interaction. If you're nice and fun and helpful, they'll be glad to have you there.

So take control and organise some concrete plans. If they're looking to, eg, buy a new sofa, suggest going to look with them. Find out what's going on in their life. Organise a theatre trip with dinner. You say the in-laws have more of a "family life" but that's not just because there are more of them, it's because someone at least is taking charge and creating that family life. On your side, it has to be you, so step up and do it.