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Original poster

Not being an awful MIL is much harder than it looks!

244 replies

Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:34

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 23/02/2023 12:57

Cas112 · 23/02/2023 12:47

Aww this is what I'm so scared about with my son even though I've swore I would never be like a MIL I had 😩

Then focus on building that relationship with your son, don't expect anyone else to manage that relationship between you.

There used to be a poster here who described the target relationship with iLs as "cordial". It was good advice. We don't choose our iLs any more than we choose our colleagues or neighbours so we focus on building cordial and working relationships and if you gel with them and it turns into a real two way friendship then that is a bonus.

To overload them with expectations that they will manage your child's relationship with you or that you will automatically be best buds is to set yourselves up to fail. The DiL/MiL dynamic is the one we hear about mostly in this context because women are assumed to be responsible for the behaviour of the men in their lives. This is old fashioned misogyny and in this case, being perpetuated by women on other women.

MyriadOfTravels · 23/02/2023 13:29

When a whole bunch of posters point out that your perspective might be skewed, the odds are it might be skewed.

I don’t think so.

MN isnt RL. It’s full of white and black thinking and extreme views you’ll never find in RL. And that’s Wo talking about assumptions about the OP because people are projecting massively.
See also the fact that you can extremely variable answers to similar threads. Often depending on how the first posters have answered. People are sheep. When a thread starts in one direction, it just carries on. Regardless of whether it’s realistic or a balanced view.

So yes different views are good.
Telling someone they have to be wrong because tte majority of posts seem to be supporting one way of thinking isnt.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/02/2023 13:52

MyriadOfTravels · 23/02/2023 13:29

When a whole bunch of posters point out that your perspective might be skewed, the odds are it might be skewed.

I don’t think so.

MN isnt RL. It’s full of white and black thinking and extreme views you’ll never find in RL. And that’s Wo talking about assumptions about the OP because people are projecting massively.
See also the fact that you can extremely variable answers to similar threads. Often depending on how the first posters have answered. People are sheep. When a thread starts in one direction, it just carries on. Regardless of whether it’s realistic or a balanced view.

So yes different views are good.
Telling someone they have to be wrong because tte majority of posts seem to be supporting one way of thinking isnt.

I think we must be reading different forums. In all my years on MN I've never noticed 15 posters saying X as a deterrent to any other poster saying Y or Z.

Its not necessary to project - based on the OP's own words she is blaming the GF /family for her disappointment in her relationship with her son. It is not their responsibility.

MyriadOfTravels · 23/02/2023 14:48

Yes the OP is very much in that frame of mind where women are responsible for the emotional labour in the family.
So she sees herself as responsible (and failing) with her MIL (no idea what could have been the consequences though).
She also both seems to think her DIL has a part to play in the situation AND feels that it’s still her fault again for not doing the right thing somehow.

It’s a common idea though.
Repeated in different format all across this thread - from it’s your fault because you dint like your MIL to your fault for not raising your ds right or nit getting the difficult balance between being too involved and not enough quite right.

Eg: Haven’t seen much about the role if the father in that - was he good role model to the ds by showing him HE was keeping the connexion with his own mum, prepared gifts fur b’days, invited her for meals etc…?

And the basic answer that the only way is for HER to be more involved, telling him she is there for them etc….
I mean yes, that’s probably the best way just now. But we have yet again a man who gets away with making little effort to see his own family. When he could also organise things in his side…

As some PP said, it should be BOTH parties making it work - with or Wo the DIL (assuming we’re not talking about the awful MIL that is insulting her DIL etc… there).

Feefee00 · 23/02/2023 15:28

My MIL ends up calling me and we chat. We are close but I'm not very close to my DM. DH doesn't call her first or initiate contact very often I tell him too. I don't know if it's sons but I definitely put more effort in keeping in contact with my own family and DHs.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/02/2023 15:32

MyriadOfTravels · 23/02/2023 14:48

Yes the OP is very much in that frame of mind where women are responsible for the emotional labour in the family.
So she sees herself as responsible (and failing) with her MIL (no idea what could have been the consequences though).
She also both seems to think her DIL has a part to play in the situation AND feels that it’s still her fault again for not doing the right thing somehow.

It’s a common idea though.
Repeated in different format all across this thread - from it’s your fault because you dint like your MIL to your fault for not raising your ds right or nit getting the difficult balance between being too involved and not enough quite right.

Eg: Haven’t seen much about the role if the father in that - was he good role model to the ds by showing him HE was keeping the connexion with his own mum, prepared gifts fur b’days, invited her for meals etc…?

And the basic answer that the only way is for HER to be more involved, telling him she is there for them etc….
I mean yes, that’s probably the best way just now. But we have yet again a man who gets away with making little effort to see his own family. When he could also organise things in his side…

As some PP said, it should be BOTH parties making it work - with or Wo the DIL (assuming we’re not talking about the awful MIL that is insulting her DIL etc… there).

Maybe men just don't give as much of a shit and maybe that's ok. Just because women WANT more of a connection doesn't mean we get it?

roarfeckingroarr · 23/02/2023 15:50

Bigpinktrain · 23/02/2023 07:47

I think you need to try form a relationship with the gf.
My MIL is wonderful but my husband doesn’t think to call her or send her pictures of the kids. I do all the communication. There is no backstory or hurt, he just would only call her if he had a direct question.
It’s the same for my brother and his partner. My mom speaks to her directly otherwise they would go weeks without speaking 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this is good advice. Neither DP nor I have our mothers still alive but in terms of rest of the family, I make most the effort with his family. He just wouldn't bother for weeks on end otherwise.

I was a bit relieved when my second child was a daughter, purely for this reason. I absolutely adore my son and would have loved another but this seems to be quite a pattern with adult men not bothering with their own families so their wives' / girlfriends' end up closer to them and any GC.

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2023 16:15

I don’t make any effort really with my husbands family; they’re his not mine and we definitely see my family more because I arrange it

Its all down to your ds and how you raised him to want more or less contact op

MissyB1 · 23/02/2023 16:29

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2023 16:15

I don’t make any effort really with my husbands family; they’re his not mine and we definitely see my family more because I arrange it

Its all down to your ds and how you raised him to want more or less contact op

That’s an odd way of thinking, that his family are nothing to do with you, and that you shouldn’t make any effort with them. What a miserable and selfish attitude. I hope he doesn’t bother making any effort with your family either in that case.

user1472151176 · 23/02/2023 17:46

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I think what you're doing is brilliant and giving them space. My advice would be a little here and there. Invite them around for dinner one evening or suggest little things that's aren't too overpowering. As awful as it is, if you try to have as much contact all at once you'll likely get push back. Just keep building up your contact. Maybe they don't want that much involvement with her family and will appreciate you more for giving them space. It's a minefield and it's really sad to think you have to tread on eggshells so as not to upset them. Any chance you can chat with them casually and let them know you're happy and would like to be more involved in their lives but didn't want to suffocate them?

NippySweetie16 · 23/02/2023 18:10

MIL here. Things like What'sAp, Messenger and Zoom have helped us to keep in regular contact. Little funnies, photos etc create chat. Drop in an invite for coffees, lunch, dinner occasionally. Sounds like you will have to be proactive with them both. You're not a bad Mum - we all just do the best we can. Ignore the nasty comments on here. Good luck x

Grrrrdarling · 23/02/2023 18:12

Butterflyhelp · 23/02/2023 07:34

My MIL was a nightmare, always jealous of any time we spent with my parents and often upset that she felt DH we didn't visit enough when had busy lives and couldn't fit in everything we wanted to do at weekends.

DS and GF are about to move into their own home. Her parents have been far more involved than me. I've really tried to stay back and let them have this chapter of their lives, but it turns out her parents have been involved in everything, gone to all the viewings, given loads of advice etc. If I'd known they wanted help I'd have given it willingly and am arguably better qualified to give it but I didn't want to interfere. I'm now feeling very hurt at being excluded. Also worried about some of the advice they've had!

I also feel very stressed at how much contact I'll have/be allowed once he leaves. I know he won't visit or phone unless I "remind" him. I don't want to be demanding and I'm not expecting a lot, but I also don't want lose touch completely.

I like GF but ever since he became smitten, she's had a lot of control and everything he does is about keeping her happy. I'm not saying that's necessarily a problem, it's a natural progression in his life and I'm glad he's a good partner. I am and have been happy to step back, but I'm don't want to lose him altogether and I'm finding it very difficult that her family are always prioritised. This is obviously his choice, to let that happen, but that doesn't make it easier for me.

It doesn't help that her dad is prolific on FB and so I see all the dinners etc they have together, which are far more frequent than anything I get. I'm a widow and DS2 is away so there isn't the "family" for them to visit/return to like there is at her parents'

It is so much the pattern we had with my MIL. I'm finding it really hard and don't know what to do that doesn't make it worse.

Speak to your son & his girlfriend, explain your feelings - they are all valid feelings & not overbearing to want to have some involvement - & go from there.
If there is something they have been advised by her parents that is incorrect, off base, dangerous, worrying you let them know before it is too late!
Wish I had parents I could go to with problems or who thought about me as much as you do.
Your son & his girlfriend are lucky to have you all ❤
You do not sound like a horrible MIL to be at all ❤

Penguinduvetcover · 23/02/2023 18:31

From one MIL to another….💐

harden your heart for when the grandchildren come along, it will get worse 💔

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 23/02/2023 18:35

Penguinduvetcover · 23/02/2023 18:31

From one MIL to another….💐

harden your heart for when the grandchildren come along, it will get worse 💔

Think about what you’re doing/have done wrong to be excluded.

SouthernComforter · 23/02/2023 18:39

Ah, I feel for you, OP. You sound very self aware and lovely. My in-laws have behaved in ways I've considered inappropriate over the years (especially when our children were born and they came from abroad to stay, before I'd returned from hospital). But I also have two boys and know that I will be the MIL one day! It's such a difficult relationship.
Are they local-ish to you? If so, perhaps you could instigate something on a fairly regular basis - Sunday lunch in a pub once a month, a local walk, or even a regular coffee with your son? As time moves on and your DS and partner have children or pets, involve yourself. Offer to look after the cat while they're away etc. Being involved in their lives in a casual way may make things easier. Alternatively, just keep chipping away and keep lines of communication open with your son.

Penguinduvetcover · 23/02/2023 18:41

I haven’t done anything wrong, but unfortunately he chose to marry a controlling, financially abuser who has actually isolated herself from her family and in doing so has isolated my son from his family.

my son worships the ground she walks on and unfortunately, at the moment, can’t see the control she has over him, but when he does, we will be there for him.

OhcantthInkofaname · 23/02/2023 18:55

At least you haven't gotten the: "We will have to cancel lunch. The dogs really need to go to the dog park."

EastLifer · 23/02/2023 19:01

In your own words you bought him up to be independent and that's what he's doing. As hard as it is be proud of that.

You are assuming he wants to hang out with her parents. He won't want to but she does. He loves her and that's lovely of him to do so.

Our job as parents is to create wonderful humans and let them out into the world. They may not come back as much as we want but that's up to them. Time to build your own life like your son is.

Lisa46 · 23/02/2023 19:11

Why so spiteful?

Lisa46 · 23/02/2023 19:12

Sorry commented on wrong post!!!!

NicolaSturGONE · 23/02/2023 19:15

A son's a son til he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.

People will poo-poo that but its true, daughter's go to their mums for advice, son's go to their wives for advice. It doesn't mean you won't see them at all, its just the way it goes. I'm very close to my DM. My MIL is okay though.

Perpendicular3562 · 23/02/2023 19:17

To give perspective, my MIL is a very gentle kind of person and never wants to intrude. She would never have offered to come view houses or stuff with us because she wouldn’t want to intrude. I have no idea if she wanted to or not. However as time goes by and I’ve gotten to know her better I realise what a lovely person she is and we are friends, i phone her independently of DH and text her from time to time, and we go to her house frequently because she is kind and it’s a pleasant place to be. So I suggest that all is not lost, if your DS is not the type to get home without being reminded than I would work on your relationship with his GF (I remind my DH to call his mum these days, not out of duty but because I know she likes to hear from him and I care about her happiness - I think this is the thing to aim for).

anotherscroller · 23/02/2023 19:31

It’s really great that you are so self aware and that you are thinking of everybody’s needs, including your own. As a DIL I wish you were mine!

Welshmonster · 23/02/2023 19:32

do you live near? Can you get an invite to meals and become part of the gang.

Muminthebluecoat · 23/02/2023 19:34

So my dc are too young for this to be an issue but from my point of view my parents are much more involved than DHs were/would have been (both now passed). The only reason for this is that DH was rubbish at spending time with his parents and keeping in touch. Even now he rarely sees the rest of his family. Not because he doesn't want to just because he's rubbish at doing it/organising anything. I hate not seeing my family so they're here all the time. By default DH spends more time with my family than his.