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Original poster

The outcome of my affair

434 replies

Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 14:59

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

OP posts:
SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 21:08

Moser85 · 22/02/2023 20:59

@Vitriolinsanity
It's mad really isn't it, all this information we have access to at our fingertips, books, science research, so many women sharing their stories.....and here we have predominantly women I assume scoffing at it and making out it's all bullshit.

No. Just pointing out that rolling out the 'but menopause' card and playing victim should not wash in a civilised society. If a man did it during a 'midliefe crisis' I am sure your position would be different. If it were, that is what we would call 'hypocracy.'

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 22/02/2023 21:08

Vitriolinsanity · 22/02/2023 20:55

An old boyfriend's mum, who was 5 feet tall and 7 stone dripping wet, told me that she hurled a bread knife at her utterly beloved husband one night for no reason at all, whilst mid-menopause.

Poor woman carried the shame and guilt for years. She was so gentle you simply wouldn't have believed it of her. He had died (not by her hand) only a couple of years later.

My advice to anyone saying menopause doesn't cause total irrationality needs to think there by but the grace of god.

Is it only women who suffer from things that cause them to behave irrationally?

This thinking is putting women back years. All it does is make women appear to be all about problems and no agency. We can’t help ourselves because of hormones, be they period or menopause. Employers will think twice about employing people who cannot be held responsible for their actions.

Menopause causes hormonal issues but it is not an excuse for behaving reprehensibly. It can be part of the reason but it is no excuse and one must accept the consequences of their actions.

To demand that menopausal women be given a pass no matter what they do is ludicrous.

Empathy is one thing but encouraging women to argue that they have no agency because of their hormones is very irresponsible and damaging to all women.

LexMitior · 22/02/2023 21:16

I'm sorry OP that you have made a mistake. I would get some counselling.

I would also kindly suggest that you do not see your ex husband for quite a while. It sounds like it was destructive for both of you and both of you are building lives separately. The menopause is something that you must set aside to do that, whatever effect it may have had.

Moser85 · 22/02/2023 21:17

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 21:08

No. Just pointing out that rolling out the 'but menopause' card and playing victim should not wash in a civilised society. If a man did it during a 'midliefe crisis' I am sure your position would be different. If it were, that is what we would call 'hypocracy.'

Show quote history

A 'midlife crisis' is not the same as menopause so there's no hypocrisy.

It's kind of like when people say men can get post natal depression..........hmm....I don't doubt that they can be depressed due to life changes etc after the birth of a baby but it shouldn't be called post natal depression because they are not dealing with the same strain on their bodies and the extreme hormonal changes.

Vitriolinsanity · 22/02/2023 21:18

@Neverknowinglyunderbold did you wilfully miss the part about shame and guilt?

What sets women back is not having access to treatment for the symptoms of menopause. For employers not acknowledging the impact on this part of their workforce and other women being utterly without empathy in the event that this effect of biology doesn't effect them to such an extent.

Moser85 · 22/02/2023 21:19

@SimplySeb
Can't edit but I for one want more compassion and empathy in a civilised society.
Refusing to take menopause etc into account is not a marker of a civilised society at all.

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/02/2023 21:38

Menopause sent me completely insane. I trashed my (previously very successful) career. The situation is unsalvageable. But at least I now realise what caused the madness.

BarrelOfOtters · 22/02/2023 21:40

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 22/02/2023 21:08

Is it only women who suffer from things that cause them to behave irrationally?

This thinking is putting women back years. All it does is make women appear to be all about problems and no agency. We can’t help ourselves because of hormones, be they period or menopause. Employers will think twice about employing people who cannot be held responsible for their actions.

Menopause causes hormonal issues but it is not an excuse for behaving reprehensibly. It can be part of the reason but it is no excuse and one must accept the consequences of their actions.

To demand that menopausal women be given a pass no matter what they do is ludicrous.

Empathy is one thing but encouraging women to argue that they have no agency because of their hormones is very irresponsible and damaging to all women.

Show quote history

I nearly killed my husband with a frying pan while in throws of pre hrt peri menopause.I’d like to say we look back and laugh but I was a crazed loon…we never spoke of it again.

TrishM80 · 22/02/2023 21:48

SpookTacula · 22/02/2023 20:42

Thing is IME its hard to recognise what's happening. You feel sort of invaded, taken over, and it's imbalancing, and you can't see the wood for the trees when you're in it.

Show quote history

I guess when you're at the stage of dropping your knickers for another man, it's as good a time as any to "recognise what's happening".

SunscreenCentral · 22/02/2023 21:50

Give it some time OP. Your ex-h might come to see things differently, as indeed you may yourself.
Work on building yourself up, invest in yourself, time and money.

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 21:51

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 22/02/2023 21:08

Is it only women who suffer from things that cause them to behave irrationally?

This thinking is putting women back years. All it does is make women appear to be all about problems and no agency. We can’t help ourselves because of hormones, be they period or menopause. Employers will think twice about employing people who cannot be held responsible for their actions.

Menopause causes hormonal issues but it is not an excuse for behaving reprehensibly. It can be part of the reason but it is no excuse and one must accept the consequences of their actions.

To demand that menopausal women be given a pass no matter what they do is ludicrous.

Empathy is one thing but encouraging women to argue that they have no agency because of their hormones is very irresponsible and damaging to all women.

Show quote history

No, men buy motorbikes and chase after secretaries, and they get lambasted by women for it... once a cheater always a cheater and all that. Take him for everything hes got. Get a good lawyer. The usual MN misandry. Its just men take responsibility for their actions is all.

Almost all the sympatheic voices here are appologists for her actions, and see it as not being her fault or her responibility. 'Because menopoause' did it and she had no choice but to obay and be the victim.

SpookTacula · 22/02/2023 21:55

Smartassery aside @TrishM80 what I was actually referring to was the comment about seeing a GP for menopausal symptoms like the OP (and me!) described.

It's not really as simple as 'gosh suddenly I can't stop thinking about fucking Nick from Accounts, I better phone the doctor'

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 21:57

SpookTacula · Today 20:42
Thing is IME its hard to recognise what's happening. You feel sort of invaded, taken over, and it's imbalancing, and you can't see the wood for the trees when you're in it.

Yeah, I guess. It would be good if there was a way of predicting these changes in advance though. Like if you could somehow know twenty years ahead of time that it was going to happen, and if there was information about it that you could educate yourself with. I think maybe education would help because a lot of women don't know about this and don't know how to find out about it.

At least that's what I'm getting from all the justification on here for OPs behaviour.

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 21:59

SpookTacula · 22/02/2023 21:55

Smartassery aside @TrishM80 what I was actually referring to was the comment about seeing a GP for menopausal symptoms like the OP (and me!) described.

It's not really as simple as 'gosh suddenly I can't stop thinking about fucking Nick from Accounts, I better phone the doctor'

Tell us more about Nick from Accounts. He sounds interesting. Now I'm really intrigued.

WidthofaLine · 22/02/2023 22:02

Almost all the sympatheic voices here are appologists for her actions,
and see it as not being her fault or her responibility. 'Because
menopoause' did it and she had no choice but to obay and be the victim.

It seems to be the society we live in, we find excuses for the perpetitors and bullies, and true victims are to be ignored.
Happens all the time, governments are great with it, mind you it's the bullies and purpitators that make the laws and the same people who shout the loudest and complain when they believe the've been treated badly.

Arse about tit really.
A normal rational person can see the injustice.

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 22:05

Moser85 · 22/02/2023 21:17

A 'midlife crisis' is not the same as menopause so there's no hypocrisy.

It's kind of like when people say men can get post natal depression..........hmm....I don't doubt that they can be depressed due to life changes etc after the birth of a baby but it shouldn't be called post natal depression because they are not dealing with the same strain on their bodies and the extreme hormonal changes.

Show quote history

So if a guy feels like he just needs to get the fuck out of his relationship, leave the dead in bed wife, build the kit car he's wanted to build since he was a kid, and spend some flirty time with younger more lasome girls (because you know, hormones); after hes spend the better part of 30 years working his ass off, then that is wrong? But when a woman does it its 'excusable' and 'not her fault' because of hormones?

That is exactly what hypocracy is. The way you frame it has a different name. Its called misandry.

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 22:07

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/02/2023 21:38

Menopause sent me completely insane. I trashed my (previously very successful) career. The situation is unsalvageable. But at least I now realise what caused the madness.

Teresa. Is that you?

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 22:08

Opps! I may have missed the H.
Theresa. is that you?

Moser85 · 22/02/2023 22:14

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 22/02/2023 21:08

Is it only women who suffer from things that cause them to behave irrationally?

This thinking is putting women back years. All it does is make women appear to be all about problems and no agency. We can’t help ourselves because of hormones, be they period or menopause. Employers will think twice about employing people who cannot be held responsible for their actions.

Menopause causes hormonal issues but it is not an excuse for behaving reprehensibly. It can be part of the reason but it is no excuse and one must accept the consequences of their actions.

To demand that menopausal women be given a pass no matter what they do is ludicrous.

Empathy is one thing but encouraging women to argue that they have no agency because of their hormones is very irresponsible and damaging to all women.

Show quote history

No, men get away with plenty of stuff due to depression/anxiety/self esteem issues/I could go on

Completely disagree that it's putting women back years! Trying to shut down the conversations is what puts women back years. I would imagine hormone issues for our daughters are actually going to be worse than they are for us. Modern life plays affect hormones as it is, so biological changes are likely to impact our girls more than they do us.
Menopause/female hormones and so on WILL be discussed and considered more in future so shutting down the conversation now is putting that back years!

I never even heard of peri-menopause until recent years and I am now very glad I have and grateful to women who shared their stories.

OP has suffered the consequences, there was no free pass.

And no one is saying that there is no agency because of hormones, just explaining how extreme of an impact hormonal changes can have, shutting down that conversation is harmful! At least if people are aware that it can happen then they might be more likely to seek help, and if it wasn't for the women shouting about how it has affected them then there are women who are currently being helped who wouldn't be getting that help!

Moser85 · 22/02/2023 22:20

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 22:05

So if a guy feels like he just needs to get the fuck out of his relationship, leave the dead in bed wife, build the kit car he's wanted to build since he was a kid, and spend some flirty time with younger more lasome girls (because you know, hormones); after hes spend the better part of 30 years working his ass off, then that is wrong? But when a woman does it its 'excusable' and 'not her fault' because of hormones?

That is exactly what hypocracy is. The way you frame it has a different name. Its called misandry.

Show quote history

LOL I just read a thread today about how the 'go to' argument now is to call something misandry. Very predictable.

If a woman who wasn't suffering from massive hormonal changes behaved the same way as that man then I would see both the man and woman the same way.

It's entirely different when there's an extreme hormonal issue at play.

Like for example if a man was suffering from something which caused excess testosterone such as a tumour, which affected his behaviour then he would also get empathy from me and many others.

So there is no hypocrisy when like is compared with like.
You are comparing things that are not 'like for like' therefore I'm not being hypocritical.

SandyY2K · 22/02/2023 22:25

How ironic.

I've just returned from watching a performance this evening called

Menopause the Musical

wineNcheeseifYplease · 22/02/2023 23:05

I dont think OP was ever saying she wasn't culpable. I read it as her saying she completely changed as a person and did what she did as it suited her at the time. And that it was a bad thing, but it was what the person she was then did. Now she's more like her old self it seems like a bad dream and not at all the choice or what she wants or wanted previously. It was such a huge change. But that she is still responsible. Just very sad about it. And wanted to put it on here to try to inform others how much the menopause can affect you and how it can be temporary.
At the time she probably felt changed forever.

As PPs have been saying, more information and more stories are needed so more people can understand how massive a change it can be and that time and drugs can help.

I dont think OP came here to excuse her behaviour, just to tell her story and help awareness.

smileladiesplease · 22/02/2023 23:07

I feel for you op I really do and no judgement from me. You made a massive mistake and you were selfish and self centred whatever you kid yourself about the menopause you had a choice and you choose to cheat and blast your family apart. YOU did it and take ownership snd responsibility.

If you do that your dh might,just might, take you back but if you carry on blaming the hormones 50% of us have,and like me led to doing things you are bitterly ashamed of, you havnt a cat in hells change of getting him back neither do you deserve to.

Ofcourseshecan · 22/02/2023 23:19

I feel for you, OP, and for your DH and family. I know some women have terrible hormonal upheaval during menopause, causing serious mental-health problems. (Yes, most of us cope ok but for some it’s overwhelming.)

It’s harsh if you can’t be forgiven for stupid and uncharacteristic behaviour while you were pretty much mentally ill.

I hope your DH and family get off the moral high ground and remember how you loved and cared for them before you had this brainstorm. You are the same person again now. I also hope you can forgive yourself and find peace of mind.

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/02/2023 23:28

SimplySeb · 22/02/2023 22:07

Teresa. Is that you?

Show quote history

No. But I think we all need to know what Theresa did....