The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

I don’t think Op is saying it’s not her fault. I think she is saying menopause caused her to have some irrational feelings and she chose to pursue them. I think some posters are turning it into Op having no agency. But I don’t think she is. Menopause caused those feelings but she still chose to have an affair, to lie, to hide it etc and it appears she is accepting that.

I can’t understand anyone saying menopause is an excuse for not understanding right from wrong. An affair is not a moment of blinding anger, after which you calm down and go seek help immediately. There’s really serious implications if we say women and society can accept women to not know right from wrong and engage in morally dubious behaviour and they simply can’t control it. What situations does that extend to? Of course there should be better and more support. But op wouldn’t have sought it, because she was happy to be having an affair when she was having it. Op, carried off in the romance she was having didn’t suspect it was anything but she had found someone who she wanted at the same time as staying with her husband. Op knew she was doing wrong and still went ahead. She could have left her husband as soon as realised she had strong feelings for someone else.

People are right. Any man who said ‘I got carried away and couldn’t help it’ wouldn’t get any sympathy even if he did have (as in the example above) a tumour that caused a surge in testosterone.

I also don’t think Op is being entirely honest. She now regrets it, when the relationship with the affair partner is over, her kids have now built their own independent lives and he has moved away, as they dreamed of in retirement. She doesn’t just regret it now she has got through menopause or got to grips with it.

She regrets it now her choice has left her alone and her husband is living the life she wanted and threw away. Her children are living their own lives. I think she is turning the regret at losing the life she planned (through her own actions) into a story of how her exh is the love of her life. I think she regrets giving up the life style she could have had. If it had worked out with the affair partner and they moved to the coast together, her regret wouldn’t be as strong. It’s seeing her exh rebuilding his life into something he wanted that’s leaving her feeling like this. Not that he is the love of her life. If her exhs life was crap and hers was great, she wouldn’t be feeling like she was missing him.

I also think the posters saying ‘try and talk to him again’ are completely wrong. She has spoken to him. He said no. And that was a catalyst (in part) for him moving when he did. He isn’t interested. And what he doesn’t need is Op trying to convince him he should take her back when he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need to be put in a position where he has to say no or take any responsibility for the Ops unhappiness.

Many people regret affairs when it turns out the grass isn’t greener and try and go back. It’s unfair of a person to keep trying to go back, when the other person has made it clear they don’t want it. And if a woman posted her exh kept declaring his love for her and telling her of his regret at his affair, now the relationship is over and the woman was living a great life, no one would suggest she takes him back. Regardless of the circumstances or the affair.

It’s a sad situation but what’s done is done and he is being clear about his feelings. That should be respected.

I agree that its wrong to have pursued the affair. It isn't the right way to do things at all. Perhaps there were other niggles and she's now looking back with rose tinted glasses ( still doesn't justify an affair). But I still think its worth taking on board that the hormone shifts, can - in some cases- cause a temporary break from a woman's usual desires for their life.

It is her failing, but perhaps if she was more informed she would have sought help or tried to figure out what was going on with her a bit more. I definitely don't think the menopause made her do it, but perhaps if she'd had more awareness she might have considered her options a bit more. E.g. realising it might not be a permanent change, seeking medication and riding it out.

I absolutely see that she chose not to do that. And I think, so does she. Perhaps, if she was more informed, she might have done. Maybe not. But as its coming up for me, I'm taking it on board. I think the lack of permanency in the change of attitude/needs/desires is an eye opener for me.

have some empathy, FFS.She's not harassing him

Course she is. She turned her husband's life upside down and when things didn't go the way she planned, she turned herself around and tried to pull on his heart strings when it was very, very clear that he had moved on with his life. Do you honestly think he welcomed that conversation? That it somehow made everything OK? Or do you think he'd have preferred not to have been reminded of the hurt he has gone through, the wasted years, the lies he endured? OP made her choices, he's the one having to live with them. Just leave him alone.

@journeyofinsanity I was thinking the same thing.
Who needs toxic men when you have a load of women who cannot understand that it makes others feel different to you! How YOU handled it may not be how OTHERS handle it as...you know,...we're all different!
The OP has taken 100% responsibility so unless you can't read, leave her alone with the 'you need to take responsibility' schtick

You're reaching a bit with the harassing. That implies she's been on and on at him to change his mind, sending him begging texts etc, to take her back, when from her comments it sounds like they've had one emotional heart to heart when he said no.

There's not much to say really is there.

And yet you wrote another seven paragraphs. Each one designed to berate the OP, point out things she clearly already knows, and make her feel worse than she already does. What’s the point of that ?

I feel for you OP. I watched a friend of my mother (when I was in my teens) change completely. Fell out with everyone she knew including my mum, they were very close before that. I didn't understand it at the time but I recall dm saying it was the menopause. My mum meanwhile just suddenly stopped having periods at 40 and that was it. No issues at all. So, it can radically affect a person's personality, and clearly the difference now your on HRT is clear. I hope you're able to move forward and find a new version of a fulfilling life x

@DotAndCarryOne2
what is the point of @WidthofaLine post?

The point is it’s the cold harsh truth.

Which the OP already knows, but like so many others on here, either ignores or dismisses out of hand most of what she said in her original post.

I think this is one of the most unpleasant and vitriolic threads I’ve seen on MN. The OP has posted honestly, and tried to tell it from her point of view and I think she may have been looking for a bit of insight and empathy, and dare I say it, support - after all she has posted to women who have, or will experience menopause.

Instead she’s had a steady stream of posts telling her what an awful person she is, how menopause can’t possibly be even a teeny bit responsible and how it’s all on her.

It could have been a really supportive thread, exploring the reasons behind what happened and engaging with the OP to help her make more sense of, and come to terms with what was clearly very traumatic for everyone involved. It could have been supportive of others going through a difficult menopause. But as usual on MN, the idea that something may exist despite the fact that you haven’t experienced it yourself, seems to be an alien concept and all thought of support goes out of the window if it means missing out on a chance to put the boot in and chase yet another OP off their own thread. Well done.

I forgot that testosterone isn't a hormone. My bad.

But a male mid life crisis isn’t hormone driven, as in menopause. Not the same thing. At all.

She wrecked their marriage and a man's life.
If it was a man on here saying he's didtched his wife for a lovely little barrista, and two years later she's FO with another guy, and could you give him e-hugs and some emotional support, the reaction would be different?
Why? Becasue we have double standards for women.

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This thread is a masterclass in self congratulatory, smug judgement. You can see the bosoms being hoicked. How lovely it mist be to be so perfect.

Don’t forget we don’t know that all these posters claiming they have never done anything wrong are women let alone women who have gone through a really hard period of life.

All the ‘what about the men’ is unnecessary, this is not about what men do, not everything is about men!

So women get special dispensation for their behaviour 'because menopause'? Isn't that the same as saying get a special excuse for bad behaviour 'becasue period'?

I do not excuse mens behaviour 'because high sex drive (testosterone)'. If a guy runs away with a younger model, or smacks someone's hubby in the street to see if he can knock him out with one punch, 'I don't empathise with the perpetartor and say, 'Poor guy, he's obviously very virile, just needed to samck some chump and let it out.'

Throwing a frying pan at someone or FO and wricking a man's life is no different, 'but menopause'.

They are all disgusting behaviour regardless of circumstance. Women do not get a special pass to fuck around and wreck marriages, no matter how you want to justify it.

No. And a lot of posters are accusing her of not taking responsibility for the affair, which is clearly not the case. The OP wasn’t actually posting for ‘e-hugs and some emotional support’ as you put it. She was posting her experience of menopause and the devastating effect that it can have - mainly as a heads up to those about to go through it. Until men can experience the menopause, the circumstances you describe here - the so called male mid life crisis - are absolutely not the same thing. So no double standards.

Given everything we know about the menopause I’m ashamed to be a woman when I read some of the ignorant posts here. The majority of them are judgmental and self congratulatory for their own moral high ground.

Menopause has caused a huge upswing of related suicides in women, and what you, and most other posters appear to be saying is that it’s not a stretch to accept that menopause can cause your character to change enough to take your own life, but it couldn’t possibly be responsible for stepping outside your normal character enough to drive you to an affair, or any of the other life changing events that some posters have described here ? Really ?

No, its about the reprehensible behaviour of an adulteress. But you cannot whitewash it and pretend there is no double standard here and go on to say its okay and you understand that these things do happen 'because menopause'. That is clearly sexist behaviour from people who should be old enough and intelligent enough to knwo better.

You're reaching a bit with the harassing. That implies she's been on and on at him to change his mind, sending him begging texts etc, to take her back, when from her comments it sounds like they've had one emotional heart to heart when he said no

It's harassment. I would put money on him being fed up with hearing from the OP and expected to listen to her tale of woe. You should try being on the receiving end of such an 'emotional heart to heart'. Your life blown out the water, you moving on with your life and them bam, sorry, didn't mean it, can we work it out please? No one asks for this and yet when it happens to you, you have no choice but to deal with it. And then, always, they do a U-turn and ask to come back. In all seriousness, why should someone who did nothign at all in the first place to warrant such behaviour have to put up with this?

I agree. I don’t understand why some posters are making accusations of hypocrisy by comparing what happened to the OP with the so-called male mid life crisis. When men experience the same hormonal effects as women do during menopause, there may be an excuse for that type of behaviour. Until then, that’s all it is. An excuse. And not the same thing. At all.

I wasn’t wrong about the self congratulatory, smug judgement, was I? Adulteress? Do you ever listen to yourself?

So I’ll ask the question again. There is a clear upswing in the number of menopause related suicides among women. The hormonal change can be extreme enough to be responsible for someone stepping outside their normal character to the point where they take their own life. But it’s ‘whitewash’ to suggest that it could be responsible for other extreme actions ? OK then.

Hey OP, hope you're doing ok.

Another case of ‘if I haven’t experienced it, it doesn’t exist’.

I know plenty of women whose marriages have fallen apart during menopause due to personality changes / mood swings - not always due to affairs, just generally not getting on with husbands anymore. It’s a real issue.

Male mid life crises are clearly not hormone driven as testosterone drops for men as time goes on so really they should be less likely to run off with secretaries and young women, not more. By all means talk about them but it’s pure whataboutery to suggest there’s equivalence to the situation the OP is describing.

MN is simply not the place to post about an affair, it’s full of women who are (rightly) full of hurt due to their own circumstances and are simply not able to step out of their own experiences to understand the bigger picture.

OP, it sounds like it’s been a rollercoaster of a time for you. It sounds like you need to spend some time healing and thinking about what a good life looks like for you going forward. I wish you well x

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