The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

I completely understand, at times one cannot think straight. We are all humans and messed up. I think you can still try with your husband once more, if you really want it. It might be difficult for him to forget and forgive, but you can slowly and steadily try building trust in your relationship. Wishing you the Best. Hope everything works out for you.

Op, I loathe affairs. But your post made me sad, for you. You’ve done something which you now fully acknowledge as wrong and entirely out of character. I’m not menopausal (yet) but I know that PMT can turn me into a total screaming banshee on occasion. I wish you well and hope that you find happiness xx

Yeah I can never understand those arguments. They come up all the time for every issue related to hormones and mental. So lazy

Well I went through menopause and didn't do x
Well I suffer from mental health issues and didn't do x
I suffered from postnatal depression too and I didn't do x or y so it's no excuse.

Maybe, just maybe it can affect people in different ways and to different extents!

The worst is
"Being insane is no excuse" 😂
So even if you're not actually sane and could be hallucinating and living in insane reality where your neighbours are hitmen trying to kill you, there's NO EXCUSE for behaving in an insane way in line with your illness.
Ok then

Agreed

Some batshit thoughts have gone through my head recently. I couldn't 100% say I have not considered being reckless in the same way. Thankfully the opportunity has not arisen.

Thanks for sharing OP, I hope you can find your happy again.

There's not much to say really is there.

You took your chances and followed what you wanted to do, that didn't work out, but really you can't have really loved your husband or you wouldn't have took that chance of losing him.

His refusal to engage and take you back can't be that painful because when you left him you were not in pain, many couples would be utterly distraught at not being together time wise regardless of the reason being an affair and you being occupied with another.

Real safe loving partners would never risk that.

I doubt your menopausal symptoms were a problem when you were on cloud nine absorbing all those adrenaline rush feelings of being desired by another but now you are questioning how you could have made such a bad choice.

It wasn't a bad choice at the time, it had many advantages for you not so much for your family, I doubt you will be able to convince your ex husband that your actions were out of your hands and were entirely medical, give him more credit than that.
It's probably insulting for him to hear your excuses to be honest, he understands you didn't love him how he loved you, and from his point of view nothing has changed.

Respect his decision, he is still friends with you which is quite magnanimous of him, but he doesn't want to be best friends, he knows you arn't capable of that.

Anyway good luck, you may find another best friend, it's not over till the fat lady sings.

That's sad.

Have you told your ex husband how you feel and why you feel you behaved that way? Maybe a way back to how you were before?

This. Without sounding harsh you have broken your vows
and caused your children and husband great pain for a fling!

I read you last update after I posted @Namechange2399

Good luck and thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that you cannot go back but perhaps if you want in time you may find a similar lovely man. I agree the menopause does strange things. Some take alcohol, some behaviour changes like maybe a mid life crisis and others have numerous health changes

Best wishes

Yup. I've been through hell and back with mine, and first and foremost wouldn't ever put my children through coping with an affair.

I'm probably in peri and I recognise what you're saying. In the last year I've honestly felt slightly mad; completely not myself, quite manic at times, overwhelmed, and yes sort of disturbingly horny and probably found myself teetering quite close to doing something I should with someone I shouldn't.

It's thrown me utterly; if you'd asked me a year ago I'd have absolutely laughed in your face, I've been in a happy marriage with the love of my life for 19 years and I am far from immune.

It's like being taken over. If you haven't experienced it, glad for you, but don't sneer at something you can't have empathy for.

In hindsight my peri menopausal behaviour contributed to the failure of my marriage. I was miserable, no libido,black cloud, shouty mum etc. But I didn’t have an affair but my ex did. I would never forgive him as there is always a risk that they will do it again.

Im on HRT now. It’s cost a fortune to get to this stage. I still have no libido. But I’m not anxious or angry anymore. If it hadn’t been the publicity around the menopause I would never have known that what I was going through could be resolved.

Lets make it quite clear the monopause does not make you have affairs.

Affairs are a clear concerted campaign of lies, deceit and malice aforthought over a considerable length/period of time.

For anyone worrying aproaching the menopause that they too be unable to control their decisions and actions to such a point that they will lose control of their choices, then no it won't happen.

This! Don’t bloody beg him! You probably humiliated him, hurt him beyond imagination and destroyed your marriage and life together. Give the man some respect and dignity and allow him to move on with his life the way he has chosen to. He sounds an absolutely diamond.

I agree with CallMeDaddy58

If acting impetuously as a result of raging powerful hormones is to be excused, then why are we so harsh on cheating and sex-pest men, who have to 'suffer' with this their whole lives from puberty and apparently just can't help it?

There's a huge difference between experiencing devastating hormonal changes - which should indeed be understood and supported far more widely - and using that to justify your behaviour.

If we are to accept that the menopause changes women so dramatically and uncontrollably that they have absolutely no agency as to how they respond to it and are very likely to do reckless, serious, out-of-character things as a direct result - that just sounds like the perfect excuse for employers to not even consider hiring them.

As SOME say.

Erm most women would go to a doctor or discuss there problems with there other half not fall into bed with someonelse. I can see his point sorry but he did good getting away you can't keep hurting what sounds a very decent man. Regardless of health you cheated, so you need to take responsibility.

Thing is IME its hard to recognise what's happening. You feel sort of invaded, taken over, and it's imbalancing, and you can't see the wood for the trees when you're in it.

Not decisions and actions.
Personality/mood/thoughts/feelings.

The person then acts or makes decisions based on that distorted version of them who is not who they truly are.

I think this is terribly sad. I particularly like that you're not trying to sweep your part in what happened away.

Sounds though that you'll have to carve your own path now. Bloody hard.

For men who are constantly driven by their dick then they're always been like that, it's part of who they are.
The menopause is different because it can cause people to be/feel completely different.

If we are to accept that the menopause changes women so dramatically and uncontrollably that they have absolutely no agency as to how they respond to it and are very likely to do reckless, serious, out-of-character things as a direct result - that just sounds like the perfect excuse for employers to not even consider hiring them.

Menopause CAN change someone. It's not guaranteed and many won't change drastically, it should not be that hard to accept that it can change huge changes for some without it meaning that there is a high chance of it happening for all women.

As a woman there have been multiple times I could have suffered from hormonal changes, maybe just out of control hormones for various reasons, pregnancy, health issues, I could have developed postnatal depression, I could have got postnatal psychosis....but I didn't. Some unfortunate women did.

Acknowledging that SOME women might suffer in this way should not stop employers hiring women, I assume they're hiring women who are at child bearing age.

Men can be a risk to employers too. Plenty of men suffer breakdowns or go off sick with stress or depression etc. An employer doesn't stop hiring men.

An old boyfriend's mum, who was 5 feet tall and 7 stone dripping wet, told me that she hurled a bread knife at her utterly beloved husband one night for no reason at all, whilst mid-menopause.

Poor woman carried the shame and guilt for years. She was so gentle you simply wouldn't have believed it of her. He had died (not by her hand) only a couple of years later.

My advice to anyone saying menopause doesn't cause total irrationality needs to think there by but the grace of god.

Maybe he'll need to take out a restraining order.
I had a yo-yo GF when I was young. But at 50 is really would F up your life.
Sounds like the guy justs wants a peaceful life without all the hystrionics and drama.
Some people have no boundaries and refuse point blank to take responsibility for their actions.

@Vitriolinsanity
It's mad really isn't it, all this information we have access to at our fingertips, books, science research, so many women sharing their stories.....and here we have predominantly women I assume scoffing at it and making out it's all bullshit.

There seems to be a lot in the 'but menopause' camp. I suppose if you can infidelity on it, why not stealing from an evidence locker. It seems like the trendy excuse at the moment for all sorts of misdeeds.

Never the persons fault though, eh?

XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

I think it’s very convenient that your relationship has ended and your ex is now living a good life by the coast - and all of a sudden you remember you love him and want to be with him.

This is typical behaviour of someone who has left their family for the OW (or OM in this case), realised the grass isn’t greener and wants to come back.

I think the menopause can be very difficult but I do not think it can cause you to leave your family and get with a new partner.

If you want your ex back then you need to stop blaming other things and just hold your hands up and take full responsibility.