Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The outcome of my affair

434 replies

Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 14:59

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

OP posts:
Chias · 22/02/2023 18:20

Goldpaw · 22/02/2023 17:49

Way back in the day when I was at uni studying anatomy, I remember very clearly a tutorial where we discussed male and female anatomy. The lecturer said that male reproductive system is very simple, basically testicles and penis. Women's system is so much more complicated and requires an entire subset of medicine dedicated to it, and even then we don't understand it completely.

So to say the effects of the menopause and a male mid life crisis are similar is to display massive ignorance about the female body.

Honestly the women on here who either don't have a clue about how much of an effect menopause can have, or who have experienced their menopause and decided no one else can have one more devestating is ridiculous!

Show quote history

I imagine most affairs come down to biology and chemistry at some level.

Genevieva · 22/02/2023 18:24

I think you need to accept what he said. You have put him through a lot. He may have forgiven you, but that doesn't mean he can just forget and pretend it never happened. He has made peace with the situation and you need to too. My advice is that you aim to be good friends.

Loveacupoftea77 · 22/02/2023 18:25

I really, really hope you can both work it out. He is obviously very hurt - understandably - and must have massive trust issues. But to hold your hands and cry during your talk, it seems as though maybe there is still some feeling there for you. You had many years together after all. You do have to respect his wishes but one talk isn't very much. Could you suggest relationship counselling? Ask if he would at least consider reconciliation, even if in the end he decides it's not right for him? Speaking from the other side, I would guess that he needs hard reassurance, and not just nice words, and to know how special he is to you. To be convinced that even if he finds it hard to feel close to you again you will wait as long as it takes. Good luck OP.

Mrshavershamsxbox · 22/02/2023 18:25

If the menopause was actually taken seriously and appropriate care was available, it would be known that it can legitimately "change" some people while it's happening, and have major consequences for women. Proper support would also make stuff like this less likely to happen as a result.

This. I wish older ladies in real life would talk about this more. I am currently going through this and it is making an existing condition much, much worse. Unable to take HRT for a couple of reasons and it is utterly rubbish. I think we need support groups for this.

rhianfitz · 22/02/2023 18:27

I'm really sorry to hear this

knittingaddict · 22/02/2023 18:30

I am struggling to sympathise op because you blame the menopause. I've been through it and know it can be tough, but never, never did I think an affair would be the answer to anything. Every woman of a certain age goes through it and I think it's a bit much to claim this as an excuse. It's like men blaming a mid life crisis. I have no sympathy for them either.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2023 18:30

Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 15:59

I guess I have got this off my chest. Thanks for the responses, some understanding and some not so. I know that I am 100% to blame. A word of warning though, and this is not me making excuses. For quite some time I was not me and I changed. The menopause may treat you well, but for me it changed my thoughts, my behaviour, my very being. Again this is not an excuse, however this is not the me that I recognise.

Although I didn't suffer many obvious menopausal symptoms they did feel that I was a totally different person too.

I'm really sorry that it all went so wrong for you

CambsAlways · 22/02/2023 18:38

I’ve heard some things but blaming the menopause for having an affair! Yes I’ve been through the menopause years ago, I must be lucky then as I didn’t have an affair, I agree with Autumndays123

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 22/02/2023 18:38

booboo82 · 22/02/2023 15:14

So your using menopause as the excuse for having an affair? Bloody hell 😳 I mean come on really ?

Oh for God's sake. Grow up. Also, it's you're, not your.

TheGander · 22/02/2023 18:45

I can understand thinking this is your last chance at passion, sex with another person etc. I don’t buy that hormonal changes push you outside of your normal self. At some level it was a calculated decision to cheat on your husband. Maybe he’ll come round, I hope it works out.

anotheragain · 22/02/2023 18:47

I can believe that menopause would have this effect. I have been pregnant four times and each time for about a month in my first trimester I went completely crazy. I had utterly crazy irrational thoughts and huge anxiety.

The cycle repeated each pregnancy and each time I was convinced that THIS time my thoughts were rational.

It was actually a terrifying experience to realise how fragile our grip on ourselves can be and how powerfully hormones can change your perception of reality.

Nudity · 22/02/2023 18:53

I hope your ex husband enjoys his new found freedom.

JustOneDD · 22/02/2023 18:58

As other PPs have already said, lots of us reading this have gone through childbirth but not had post-partum psychosis (which is also hormonally triggered) but that’s not to say that it doesn’t exist or can’t totally change your personality. The fact that those who have been through menopause may not understand (on the basis of their own experience) how the OP can feel the main factor in her affair was the menopause does not make it not true. I really feel for you OP and hope it doesn’t affect me as badly as it has you x

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 22/02/2023 19:02

Many things impact on people’s personality be that menopause, illness, medication, etc. Men and women are both susceptible to things impacting on their decision-making. If society absolves some women when the claim menopause made them do x or y, that becomes a slippery slope. It may explain your behaviour but it does not entitle you to avoid consequences or for others to magically forget the hurt and pain inflicted on them.

OP, move on and accept the consequences of your decisions.

Mittens1717 · 22/02/2023 19:03

CallMeDaddy58 · 22/02/2023 15:53

So can I man say “hormones” as an excuse for an affair? He just really wanted loads of sex all the time so 🤷‍♀️

Having an affair takes lots of micro betrayals over days, weeks, months and sometimes years. You can stop at any time. That first inappropriately flirty conversation. That first elicit text. You can be on your way to meet them privately for the first time & decide to turn back. You can have that first kiss and realise it’s wrong and take it no further.

A full blow affair requires a thousand betrays over and over and over again. Hormones can make you crazy but they aren’t responsible for an affair. They aren’t. You can’t just say, my hormones made me really really horny so I HAD to have an affair. No.

100%

journeyofinsanity · 22/02/2023 19:05

knittingaddict · 22/02/2023 18:30

I am struggling to sympathise op because you blame the menopause. I've been through it and know it can be tough, but never, never did I think an affair would be the answer to anything. Every woman of a certain age goes through it and I think it's a bit much to claim this as an excuse. It's like men blaming a mid life crisis. I have no sympathy for them either.

You didn't kill yourself either yet countless women do. Guess you are just better than them at womaning huh?

Hongkongsuey · 22/02/2023 19:09

I feel so much sympathy for you both reading this. I can believe it when you talk about how you had a temporary personality change and how that fallout has impacted you. Good people can have affairs too. You had the courage to ask your husband to take you back so never regret that. And you tried to repair the damage that had been done. That’s all you can do.
I think you need to start to rebuild your life-and learn from this to never do this again. Use the remorse as a positive thing in your life to be determined not to be swept away. Get good counselling and maybe HRT. And be open to meeting other people and having them in your life. Best wishes.

Timesawastin · 22/02/2023 19:09

Divebar2021 · 22/02/2023 15:44

I think unless you’ve been through the menopause you need to hold your counsel on this one. Some of you have got a shock coming your way.

I have and my opinion is that it can't excuse cheating. None.
Actions have consequences OP.

Foxglove22 · 22/02/2023 19:10

I really don't think that a man having a mid-life crisis can be compared in any way to a woman going through the menopause. A mid-life crisis involves men having a panic about their lives and thinking that they can do better than what they already have; the menopause is a biological change in a woman's body that can wreak absolute havoc on her mental health - a friend who experienced awful symptoms also thought she was going mad until she was given HRT. I'm not in any way saying that the natural response to going through the menopause is to have an affair, but people must realise how it can change a person completely and have a devastating effect, as it had in the OP's case.

mumyes · 22/02/2023 19:10

OP I believe your story.

Not menopause, but the hormonal effects of having a baby put a hand grenade in my relationship in a similar way.

Hormones can affect some women very very severely,

I'm so sorry this happened to you,

Your XDH must have been terribly hurt.

If it were me I would try and be totally honest with him. Maybe write it in a letter to give him time to digest it.

It is very, very hard to forgive oneself - you may find counselling helpful?

Best wishes

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 22/02/2023 19:16

mumyes · 22/02/2023 19:10

OP I believe your story.

Not menopause, but the hormonal effects of having a baby put a hand grenade in my relationship in a similar way.

Hormones can affect some women very very severely,

I'm so sorry this happened to you,

Your XDH must have been terribly hurt.

If it were me I would try and be totally honest with him. Maybe write it in a letter to give him time to digest it.

It is very, very hard to forgive oneself - you may find counselling helpful?

Best wishes

The OP can blame menopause if she wishes but she is not entitled to harass her husband to take her back. He has said no. She should respect that.

Moser85 · 22/02/2023 19:21

Amazing how women can't empathise and understand how hormones can make you feel like a different person.

Most of us have dealt with it at a much lower level, wondering wtf was wrong with us and then we got our period and we say oooh so that's what it was.

I never had PMS until I was 25, and the first time it happened I was so confused, dropped my kids to school one morning, came home and cried so hard, I was riddled with intense anxiety that something bad was going to happen to my kids. I had felt fine the day before. It happened again the next month and again the month after and only then did I realise it was due to my period.
Because it only happened for a day or two I was able to contrast it to my normal personality and mood and see how out of character it was, but if someone was dealing with crazy hormone changes for a prolonged period then they don't have that contrast so can't recognise their real or normal feelings.

I can always tell when my 12 year old is getting her period because she gets bitchy and snappy, she's so sweet the rest of the time. I have friends who hate their husbands when they have their periods.

People can be very obviously different and not their true selves due to hormonal changes!

mumyes · 22/02/2023 19:22

@Neverknowinglyunderbold have some empathy, FFS.

She's not harassing him.

Zanatdy · 22/02/2023 19:29

JustOneDD · 22/02/2023 18:58

As other PPs have already said, lots of us reading this have gone through childbirth but not had post-partum psychosis (which is also hormonally triggered) but that’s not to say that it doesn’t exist or can’t totally change your personality. The fact that those who have been through menopause may not understand (on the basis of their own experience) how the OP can feel the main factor in her affair was the menopause does not make it not true. I really feel for you OP and hope it doesn’t affect me as badly as it has you x

Exactly. All this ‘I didn’t have an affair during my menopause’ is bull as it’s different for everyone. Just because you didn’t feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

user1501270679 · 22/02/2023 19:36

What I find so problematic about the dismissive attitude voiced on this thread is that many people seem to reassure themselves that by having 'high standards' around not cheating, they somehow protect themselves.

I have encountered this in RL, when a friend had an affair and left her husband for the other man. Many people just decided it was proof she was a bad person.

Yes it was wrong, yes it was bad, yes I feel more sorry for her ex-husband and no I couldn't see myself ever behaving in the same way. But it was incredibly easy to just turn your back on her rather than acknowledge the fact she had been going through some horrific shit for three years dealing with her awfully badly behaved parents' incredibly acrimonious divorce in the lead up to the affair.

I can't promise I wouldn't have changed my perspective on marriage and families in a way that might have changed my behaviour, under the same circumstances. There but for the grace of God go I, I thought at the time, and I am thinking today having read the OPs post.