The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

I mean, I swear she'd never have had if she WASN'T menopausal.

I went mad going through the menopause, it completely changed me as a person. I was an emotional gibbering wreck. Those who have not gone through it have absolutely no idea the havoc it can wreak. OP, I wish you all the best.

Oh the plus side OP, you will get over exDh eventually, and you can move forward to finding a new partner and retain XDH as a friend.

Being the woman who was left by her 'D'H I'm sorry that you're feeling so low but I don't think there's any excuse, including the menopause, for what you did.

You're now living with the consequences of your actions. I wonder if it had worked out with the other man would you still 'love' your Ex-husband.

You can't smash something as big as a marriage, say sorry and it's fixed. What about after the menopause? What if you change again.

My husband left me high and dry and I am now living the type of life he would have loved. I know I'm horrible but it gives me satisfaction that I have managed to progress despite his actions.

Exactly.

Just imagining a bloke coming on here and saying "I shagged another woman but it was the mid life crisix that made me do it"

The responses would not be pretty.

I am 50 and currently suffering with Perimenopause.
For me it is hell as I also have to care for my mum who has Alzheimer’s and I have some other health issues which has collectively turned everything to shit. I really do feel for you, as for some of us it really does change who we are. My dh and I have been together since we were 17 and have a solid relationship but Perimenopause has totally tested that relationship and we have lots of arguments these days. I am hoping that we can work through this as I adore him, I can’t imagine turning to someone else but we are all different and do some really silly life changing things when under stress and pressure.
You know that your decision to have an affair has changed the course of your life.
If I were you, I would ask your xdh once if he would take you back. If it’s a firm no, then you have to accept what has been done and move on. At the end of it all you did leave him for another man. You have no other choice but to accept his decision.

The thing is, with some very decent and authentic people who are secure in themselves - they won’t ever go back. You’ve done the worst thing and broken their trust so there can’t ever be a relationship again. I feel like this with my current partner. If I’m ever at the point that I would even wonder or contemplate checking their phone or suspecting them of something, it’s over for me. There isn’t a middle way for me.

You destroyed your marriage and family, you can’t reverse that. Yes menopause can be brutal but your family didn’t deserve that. Male cheaters are ripped to shreds on here, you have to live with the consequences of what you’ve done, the grass wasn’t greener.

This is how I was with my DH. Hang on in there, it will get better and the fact you can recognise this is out of character for your relationship means you're halfway there already. x

However I do take full responsibility

You are not even close to this. I am going through the menopause (and HRT) and have been diagnosed with a life-changing neurological condition

None of this made me want to run around and shag someone else.

Own up to it. And that you are a cheat.

What do you want to happen now?

whattodo1975 · Today 16:39
Why would the husband want to reconcile after what she has done? No one would suggest reconciling with a husband who had a midlife crisis resulting in an affair.

Low self esteem? Masochim? Low intelligence? I'm sure there are plenty of reasons spouces return to cheaters who fleeced them once. Women do it too, going back to the bad boy who did them wrong. Its just stupidity and desparation. Sad behaviour. But you're right in that we would give a woman different advice, but then men don't come online looking for relationship advice. OP is just looking to clense her consience. Its dispicable, but it is just as dispicable when men chase the secretary and ditch the wife and kids for their torrid little midlife crisis.

@tattygrl I don't disagree at all, but I think peri / menopause is actually having a moment - in Ireland, it exploded onto public consciousness as a result of a radio talk show, in 2021, and it was transformative. GPs were besieged with women seeking appointments, and it was realised that almost none had any training. The ICGP (body representing GPs) immediately put in place a range of courses and so many more GPs are up to speed - including my own GP, who until that point was telling me that my symptoms weren't attributable to the perimenopause, and were as a result of busy / challenging life. I started on HRT within weeks and within 48 hours I noticed a difference. It was amazing.

Since then there is barely a day that I don't read something in the paper, hear it on a programme or hear about workplace supports.

I'm not saying that has made everything fine, for every woman but it's a massive step forward.

Well said.
She wants him back. She said she wants to turn back the clock two years like it never happened.
Why? So she can do it again.

As every woman on here will tell you say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Or does MN have double standards? I hope not.

Blimey
on top of OP blaming menopause, now someone suggests she harass him! Poor chap, leave him be.

Sorry to say if I was dh there is no way I'd take you back. No excuses, it would be finished as I'd never trust you again.

I have some sympathy for you however if I were your dh I wouldn’t take you back either.

Its like that broken mirror analogy isn’t it? You can glue it back together but it’ll never be the same.

If my dh cheated I know I’d never be able to trust him again and the mental toll that would take on me wouldn’t be worth it - plus I’d always be wondering why I alone wasn’t enough for him/if things get tough is he going to do it again. I’ve always told dh I’d never forgive an affair so if he ever gets the urge he should think very, very carefully about whether it’s worth it as he wouldn’t have the home life/family set up he loves having with me and the dcs ever again if I found out.

Its just tough shit really.

Don’t do this. Leave the poor man alone.

He has been clear that what you had has been broken beyond repair as far as he is concerned.

He treated you decently, so do the same for him and respect his decision to move on in his life.

Then do the same for yourself.

I tend to agree with this - despite the menopause, I don't think you'd have started an affair if everything had been perfect in your marriage. I suspect you may be looking back at it through rose-tinted glasses. It's time for you to stop looking back and to forge a new life for yourself.

I hope your ex dh finds happiness

@EarringsandLipstick lucky you eh. Being in a position to judge.

None of this made me want to run around and shag someone else.

Well, of course, all women are the same aren't they?

OP, I really feel for you. Thanks for sharing your story. It does show we're a long way from women in general understanding the devestating effects of the menopause, which can range from some low moods to out and out personality changes, violence or psychiatric symptoms. We are all different. And some symptoms can be life changing and devestating.

You've spoken with him, which is a good thing, and he's moved away, which is also a good thing. It'll help you both heal. You can't turn back the clock, all you can do is make a good life for yourself now.

Some posters have no clue how utterly life shattering and traumatic the menopause can be for some women. At least op is self aware and accepting responsibility. I reckon a few hundred years ago a lot of posters here would have been front row at the witch trials spurring on the bloke lighting the pyre!

This sums it up for me.

I actually think that you might find moving forward easier if you put aside the idea that you were swept along by unseen forces ect. ie: hormones. It wasn't some abstract 'you', it was you.

We all change as we age. A marriage going through your 20s, 30s and 40s and onward with neither party growing 'away' from the other at all is a rare thing IMO.

The deception involved to have the affair and then to actually go through with moving out with the OM is quite something. It would have needed quite some planning and determination. It suggests to me something in your character was there all the time, stirred into action by the hormone changes maybe, but there as part of 'you' the whole time.

I wish you luck OP. But let him move away and move on now.

For all the people saying ‘I know menopause is awful but for me I didn’t leave my husband so you are unreasonable’ - then you don’t know it’s awful, you know how it was for you.

would you say to someone with postnatal psychosis ‘get a grip, we’ve all had the baby blues/ a bit of PND’? Or to someone with PMDD ‘get on with it, nobody finds periods much fun’?

Menopause can be just the odd hot flush or it can be personality-altering hell. The fact that people don’t recognise the latter and write it all off as the former is the bloody problem

This sounds like a man blaming an affair on his midlife crisis.