The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

Why would the husband want to reconcile after what she has done? No one would suggest reconciling with a husband who had a midlife crisis resulting in an affair.

Yes. It's absolutely possible. Menopause and perimenopause can cause psychosis, depression, anxiety, complete personality change, onset of schizophrenia and/or bipolar, aggression and violence and has been successfully cited as a cause in cases of murder and gbh so yes, an affair is way less surprising than you seem to think.

This is so very sad. I really feel for you @Namechange2399. 💐

Years ago I knew a woman who left her husband and kids for someone else. She married the new guy and had three more children with him. Some time later her second husband was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour and eventually died. She subsequently remarried her first husband who had never stopped loving her. Miracles do happen.

My sister is having a horrendous time during the menopause so I do recognise the OP when she says she became 'a different person.'

OP - I am really sorry about your situation. I don't have any advice just a hand hold

I know couples where something similar has happened and they have eventually reconciled. Keep co-parenting well, be kind to him and yourself and it may happen. Or he may find someone new and you'll have to be prepared for that, but hopefully still have a friend and someone who has your back.

And there's women who kill themselves and women who become addicts. What's your point?

I was going to ask that op.

Well, you let him know clearly how you were feeling, you laid it out and you know how he feels.

And how he feels is entirely justified/understandable.

I'm sorry op.

You're very kind to me earn other about the possible effects of the menopausd on NH abd life choices.

The sad case in the news these 3 weeks is a different type of stark warning.

Affairs are also highly addictive, so for some being able to stop at any point may be harder than it is for others

I'm not excusing affairs though

Thank you for sharing your experiences so openly OP. I've seen how other health issues can also negatively affect behaviour and how devastating it can be for their loved ones - I know of three family friends (all men) who in their 50s/60s had a complete, and fairly sudden, personality change. Went from being loving, commited partners to the opposite. One started making very irrational decisions that were awful for his family, another became completely cold and disinterested in their family, and the third became increasingly aggressive and on one occasion physically abusive. Turns out one had a brain tumour, one early onset dementia and the other had early stages of MS. The brain tumour was actually diagnosed in large part due to the violence and aggression as it was so out of character that doctors took it seriously. (I'm obviously not saying that everyone with these conditions is affected in this way).

Nice guys finish last...

As I see it, you make your bed, you lie in it. There's always an excuse for why its not our fault when we have to explain our reactions.

Sounds like it was a clean break. I'd leave him be if I were you, because if you are capable of the betrayal in the first place, there is no reason to believe you wont do it next time you feel like 'a break'. You may think its a change in your meds, or your way of dealing with something that happens, or realisation that you've hit 65. Who knows.

But I'd suggest having cheated on him and divorced him once, leave the poor guy alone. To do otherwise, or expect anything else, is wholly selfish, and the leave him again would be incredibly cruel.

Ateotd loads of women reconcile with mid life crisis men who've cheated on them.

Our towns ex mayor did, after cheating on and leaving his wife for a lady he met through work in the Far East.

It happens a lot.

*You're very kind to me warn other women about the possible effects of the menopause on MH and life choices.

I’ve been through the menopause. I felt moody, hormonal, emotional, bloated etc but it never even crossed my mind to cheat on my DH. No matter how bad you felt there was no excuse to have an affair. It’s the equivalent of saying I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing.

I feel sorry for you because you clearly regret what happened, but you can’t change the past. Maybe some counselling would help you to move forward and think about your future.

There might not be any more medical treatment that can be given for menopause, but more education on what the effects of menopause can be, what's going on in the body and mind, ways to deal with it, etc. That's what should be out there. Many many women don't know the half of what menopause can be like, through no fault of their own. Also, I venture to suggest that if women's health was taken seriously in general, there would be much more known about menopause and effective care could be formulated to make women's lives easier when it happens.

I despair. Are people really so ignorant about mental illness? Would people blame a schizophrenic for having an affair? Or someone having a bi-polar mania episode? Or someone with PND who self harms or someone with depression for developing a gambling problem? Menopause can affect some women drastically. Actual mental disorder level of effects. Good god with women like you, who needs toxic men.

I am sorry you are feeling sad .However I think you are blaming Menopause for having an Affair.Most marriages are having problems long before an Affair happens .Apparently around 40 per cent of people regret getting divorced .There is still a tendency to want live "happily ever after"but everyday life for most people is hard going sometimes .Children ,work issues ,and so on take their toll .Maybe death by a thousand cuts.Please dont beg him ,he doesnt want to reconcile and wishes to move on. You may meet someone new and realise that maybe you outgrew your RL and the OM wasnt right either .

It all sounds very sad OP. My only suggestion is to move on yourself and do your best to find happiness in your new life.

Did you speak to him about the role you feel the menopause and lack of treatment played in your MH and decision making at the time op? Was that his response with that factor mentioned?

I do know people who are now divorced and blame it in part at least on the menopause .. and also people that saved a marriage by recognising what was causing their problems . My advice that you must respect your ex husbands wishes and move on still stands . Sometimes life does send us curve balls ..

This is so, so sad. I agree with others, I’d say fight for this if at all possible. The trust has been broken, but maybe it can be rebuilt?
On a side note, everybody else pay attention- if you’re struggling, acting out of character, experiencing odd symptoms- go to a doctor and say yes to whatever drugs they offer.

I absolutely 100% get where you are coming from, OP, in believing the role menopause played. I have felt like my body has been inhabited by a different person at times and I've experienced everything from rage, resentment and disappointment towards my DH, who has never been anything but a lovely, supportive and caring partner, to lusting after a close friend's DH. I never acted upon the latter because it would've made me a hypocrite as I've always told my DH that infidelity is a deal breaker. Thankfully after two years on HRT the feelings just disappeared and I can now look friend's DH in the eye again (he had no idea I was lusting!). But I have another friend who has just blown up her marriage for an affair and I swear she'd never have had if she was menopausal – her reasons for succumbing mirror yours, OP. I also know someone who has remarried her ex and strongly believes the reason she pushed for divorce (no affair) was because of how menopause turned off any sexual feelings she had towards him.

I wish there was a happier outcome for you and your ex, OP.

I feel for you OP. And your family. As someone who grew up with a mother whose life was ruined by hormones (in her case PMT, or rather those that lived with her would say PM psychosis, I totally believe hormones can lead to some wrong choices. I mean my mum has spent years regretting decisions she took during those years and wishing she could take them back. Luckily my brother and I don’t hold it against her, though my dad wasn’t as forgiving, but he took the brunt of it. Once she had a hysterectomy no more, it changed overnight literally.

I’ve been split with my ex 12yrs and dating someone new now. Though only recently. For many years we tried to do family stuff, family holidays etc but although my ex wanted to get back together I couldn’t forgive him for what he put me through (not an affair). It didn’t do any of us any good keeping the family stuff going so long. It did the children a lot of favours and we both are proud of that, but it’s meant none of us could move on. We have now largely cut contact apart from any necessary contact re our teens. We both miss each other I’m sure, I miss him deeply but I couldn’t be with him again as I can’t move on ever from what he did. I wish I’d have tried to move on years ago as my new boyfriend makes my heart flutter and feel like a teenager again. There’s more than one person for us out there. Try and accept there’s no going back and maybe think about dating when you’re ready. Big hugs. Life isn’t as black and white as some people on here think

The menopause is life changing for some women! My own symptoms were mild compared to some of my friends. You cannot walk in another woman's shoes and I wouldn't wish, some of the symptoms I have seen, on my worst enemy!
Be kind, if you can't be kind be quiet!

So sad for your ex and dc, your affair was all for nothing, what a shame for them all that they had to suffer the pain and anguish. Sounds like your ex has got his life together and is moving on