The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

I wish more people realised the extent to which menopause can wreak havoc on someone's life. I wish fewer women- I have little hope of men- would avoid knee jerk "it's just hormones you can't use it as an excuse" type responses. There is a difference between an excuse and an explanation for one thing, and for another- if you accept the existence of PMDD, post natal psychosis and similar, you should be very well able to accept that for some women, the extreme hormonal changes of menopause have extreme effects.

In your shoes, OP, I wouldn't move to begging my ex for forgiveness and reconciliation. I would offer him a full, frank apology and ensure he understood that I was, now, aware of how much pain I had caused and how decent a human being he was.

Oh crikey no! No begging please.

I feel very sad for you both. How have you broached the subject of reconciliation? Have you asked whether you can start a new relationship rather than picking up from the broken marriage? Just a thought.. I wish you well, I'm 47 and peri menopause is beating me at the moment.

Op,

you wanting him back does not compare with the hurt of your ex DH. If you don’t want anyone else be single, try and move on and remind him from time to time you’d be thrilled to be back together if he changes his mind. Your ex may have found some positives in being single as well. When he will have had enough of the single life he may reconsider.

The past is the past - your EX DH has made it clear you've broken his trust and he wants to move on to new things and has clearly done so with his move.

So you need to stop focusing on the past and find purpose and new direction - can you move to somewhere you've always wanted to live (avoid ex area obviously) - are you up for dating ? New hobbies work. Maybe see him less at family events till you find your new direction - can;t be helping with moving on.

Sorry my other post may not have worked. Thanks for all your comments, some understanding and others less so. To reiterate I 100% accept full responsibility.

I hope for you that the menopause treats you well. For me it changed me as a person - my thoughts, actions and deeds. However I failed to recognise it at the time. May be (in a nice way) this can be a warning for others. I will stop posting on this subject now.

the menopause has screwed my life

No, OP. It hasn't. 'Menopause' hasn't screwed your life, you did that by the choices you made.

That sounds very harsh, I know.

I fully accept (as someone who prior to HRT was having a horrific time with perimenopause) that the process of the menopause can have life-changing impact. But notwithstanding that, it takes conscious action to get to the point of actually having an affair. That's not 'the menopause' - though I can readily understand that it led you to a point where you made unwise decisions

Equally, your post is very sad, and I am not being judgmental - I'm sorry you have gone through this situation, and find yourself now wishing to be with your exH again.

I think he sounds lovely - respectful, honest and compassionate. I think there is no possibility of you having the relationship you once had again.

Of course there could have been a possibility of getting back together and starting afresh - but he doesn't want that. A PP made a good suggestion of finding a new way to have a relationship, in friendship and with a focus on family.

But it sounds as if you need to move ahead without thinking you can be in a romantic / sexual relationship again. Also, you need to be honest about how much it's based on love for your exH and how much it is triggered by you being lonely, his move to your planned retirement location and the DC being grown up - it is not fair to your exH to use him as the salve for other problems when you treated him so badly.

(And yes, for once I agree, if a man was posting this he would be torn asunder for putting such a proposal forward).

If the menopause was actually taken seriously and appropriate care was available, it would be known that it can legitimately "change" some people while it's happening, and have major consequences for women

Affairs have consequences for more than just women who were peri or menopausal at the time. The fall out is life long. They are extremely difficult to 'get over' and 'move on' from. They mess with your head, involve extreme levels of gaslighting often over months (or in my case, years). They involve children of all ages being torn between the two people they most love in their lives, and have reprecussions amongst wider family and friendship groups. They almost always involve impoverishment of one or both sides, and can result in children living in poverty as well. And anyone left holding the baby or young children will find their career prospects severely hampered when it comes to managing illness, juggling childcare and generally being the employee who can be relied upon. My pension situation is dire as a direct results of my ex husband's affair, refusal to pay maintenance and the fact I've had to bring up 3 children on my own.

Lots of people never really recover, they just make a decision to get on with it as best they can. In my case, I made an early decision that I was going to hold my head high and get on with it. But you have no idea of what it has cost me - in all ways something can cost a person - and the continuing impact it will have on me until the day I die.

I can completely understand that perimenopause can lead to awful situations and feelings for some women. I was one of them - horrendous physical and emotional side effects which have been - thank God - massively alleviated by HRT.

However, I cannot accept that such occurrences can lead directly, and excusably, to an affair - you have to meet someone, engage with them in some sexual way, actually have an affair, with all the steps to deceit that involves. There are many points along the way to realise there's a problem and stop - no way can that be attributed to the perimenopause.

I also agree that you made choices

Menopause is real

But it's not as if your brain is taken over by an alien (though at times it can feel that way)

You are still you. You were you in puberty (hormone changes) pregnancies (hormone changes) the day before your period (hormone changes) and in menopause

Once you can accept that it was you who made the decisions, you can move forward. You may want to try to reconcile?

I don’t think people realise how badly you can be affected by hormones. I have come closer to killing myself far more times than anyone would imagine in the midst of hormonal turmoil. When my hormones were at their worst I came very close to leaving my husband, I can imagine having my head turned if I’d come across the temptation. I’m not on HRT now as my GP, husband & I all feel the risk of my reacting badly to it is too great. I think a lot of marriages breakdown in peri menopause and people don’t realise they feel better as they’ve come out of that period of their lives, not because they’ve left.

I mean, what treatment other than HRT would you expect?

I agree that perimenopause is misunderstood. However, the use of HRT as a treatment has finally become more standard, and additionally workplaces are beginning to offer supports to women during menopausal years and GPs are getting better training.

It can be awful. It is for many. But once there is appropriate medication and prescription of same by GPs, I am not sure how much more 'seriously' society needs to take it.

I’m not on HRT now as my GP, husband & I all feel the risk of my reacting badly to it is too great.

Why do they think this?

You can hardly compare a man's midlife crisis to menopause. Nor can you compare one woman's experience of menopause with another's. Understanding of menopause in this country is woefully inadequate and not taken seriously. Even my GP said to me she needed to learn about the menopause. I was offered the mirena coil when I had menopause issues. I was offered the mirena coil when I had hyperplasia. A quick fix, one size fits all solution for different female issues that just doesn't work.

OP, I fully understand where you are coming from. You have my sympathy. The women on this thread being so dismissive of the menopause and how it can change a woman, her health, her mental state etc. should realise that one day, they will be in menopause and have no idea how it will affect them. All you can do, OP, is give it time.

Also, you need to be honest about how much it's based on love for your exH and how much it is triggered by you being lonely, his move to your planned retirement location and the DC being grown up - it is not fair to your exH to use him as the salve for other problems when you treated him so badly.

I do wonder if there is some envy that ex appears to be moving and and OP feels lonely and slightly directionless.

I really don't think even with hormones and menopause if everything was really great you'd cheat - there's probably some rose tinted glassed being worn here.

He's made his decision clear - so I don't think begging as some are suggesting will really help the OP.

Hi @Namechange2399 years ago a partner of mine had an affair but used a particular excuse for us to stay together. I don't believe she ever had another affair but the mistrust tore me apart for the next two years. The level of scrutiny and control I had to have was incredibly destructive to both of us. The damage that that did was worse than the affair, neither you nor xDH would want that.

One of the foundations of any relationship is trust. Mistrust is one of the most damaging emotions I have ever felt, perhaps above and beyond grief.

Thank you for your perspective OP. It is useful to have a slightly different perspective, even if people are struggling to swallow it.

It is a useful warning I haven't heard elsewhere.

FWIW you hear a lot about how women 'go off' their husbands after giving birth for a bit, and I wonder if there is a similar phenomenon for menopausal women. Having an affair might be a bit more practical when in mid-life compared to immediately postpartum too!

I do feel for you OP. Everyone's menopause is different, but it has caused me and other friends my age all kind of issues - mood swings, anxiety and depression, relationship problems, physical problems, issues with addiction, loss of libido/crazy spikes in libido..... You name it basically! Sometimes the issues were there before but menopause has exacerbated them; sometimes they appear to have come from nowhere!

I think the one positive is that menopause is being spoken about much more now - an increase in awareness can only lead to greater understanding and support.....

Yes you were ultimately responsible for your choices, as you fully acknowledge! But MANY people make bad choices in the face of mental health pressures etc etc - there is absolutely no point hating yourself for it and beating yourself up - and no law of the universe that says you have to!

You need to forgive yourself, while also learning from your mistakes. You have been happy in a relationship once and there is no reason to think that can't happen again, if you want it to. Your ex sounds like a good man - that is great as it gives you a standard for what to look for in future partners - you know what a healthy relationship looks like. It sounds like he has moved on so there is probably little to be gained nursing hopes of getting back with him - but you can have a similar happiness with someone else in the future. You are not evil - you just made one (albeit very large) mistake. You can get through this and you will. Meanwhile try and be grateful for the many positives you do have in your life - loving kids, a good friend in your ex, improved mental health..... And hopefully there are many others.

And thanks for posting - it's a very thought-provoking one which may help other women.

I just wanted to add a little note of support to you. Gor me also perimenopause made me a totally different person. I lost my job of 20 years through it. Of course I tried to explain about menopause and what my symptoms were but it fell on deaf ears and I was fired, not because my work was poor but because I could no longer accept poor work from others without saying something.

There is something in your head that can't stop yourself. In a microcosm of how menopause made me feel I broke my very expensive food processor even though I was aware I should have stopped using it and investigated what the noise was. I just put it on an even higher speed and burned the engine out. Same with my job. HRT has saved me now but I just wish people could understand that for some women it has a truly profound effect.

Maybe this is now something you have to accept and leave it be.

It's a case of the grass is never greener on the other side.

You are lucky to still have him in your life as a friend and your children's father.

I hope you can be happy and move forward with your life 💙

A lot of us replying are perimenopausal and know exactly how hard it can be. I had several years of truly debilitating symptoms before I started HRT - I was also dealing with a nightmare ex, financial worries, 3 children on my own, and felt a lot of the awfulness was due to that. Once I was on HRT I realised how much of it was actually perimenopause-linked.

This implication that people replying saying that OP cannot blame having an affair on going through the menopause, are women who haven't a clue what that's like, is ridiculous and patronising.

We do know. We also know that nothing happening hormonally can excuse making an active decision to meet, flirt with, and have sex with someone else - there were countless times to stop before it became a marriage-ending affair.

Oh OP I’m so sorry this happened. I can understand how easy it is to make decisions across the course of your life and regret them deeply afterwards. All of us have the capacity to make huge mistakes and I’m grateful you’ve shared yours in the hope it may help others ♥️♥️

Perhaps let enough time pass and wounds will heal.

I was going to say the same thing.

The menopause changes lots of things, but I don’t think it changes your ethics or your values. I also think that if the new man had worked out you wouldn’t be here writing to us, and you wouldn’t be interested in reconciling with your ex. You see your ex continuing with your life plan and moving to the coast. He’s probably financially secure and you miss the life you could have had, not the life you have now. For him it’s over though and you need to work with your new reality.

Exactly my thought. It's bit sad to read TBH. If woman was left by husband for other woman, there would be no coming back etc., but menopause is great excuse according to them, they can keep asking over and over again until ex husband changes his mind.