The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

I'd assume my own stexh would use his midlife crisis in the same context. I eventually left, he's sad and feeling sorry for himself. You have absolutely no idea the pain and tournament his infidelity caused. Just like your poor xH too much has happened, the person you once loved and trusted is gone. Personally I'd leave it alone and let him enjoy his new life by the coast. Oh and for the record my menopause did not have me running off to find something more exciting..

Bamboux · Today 11:52
As a woman approaching my mid-40s, it's a relief to know I'm not going to suddenly start fucking the postman or try to kill my husband, or myself.

Yeah, but if you did its okay for a good chunk of MNers... because menopause.
Maybe steal from your employer and have a nice holiday... because menopause.

There is need to take responsibility or live with the consequences of ones actions, and I'm sure MN will be full of people who'll give hugs and say its completely uderstandable whatever actions one takes.

This thread is riven with apologists, hypocrits and sycophants.

@SimplySeb OP needs to move on. There are plenty of geriatrics in the sea looking for the company of an younger woman in their old age. Likewise there are plenty of single women in their late 30's early 40's who'd happily date a solvent man in his 50's.
Well haven't you got an archway and misogynist view of reality. Fortunately your description of life is nothing like any I see around me.

@SimplySeb There is need to take responsibility or live with the consequences of ones actions
I think you'll find the OP IS living with the consequences.

Jeez you really are hell bent on spouting bitterness aren't you. Who screwed you over?

Lol. Exceptions do not prove the rule. I know a dog that does not bark, but I won't argue that dogs don't bark. Clearly expecting DH to take her back after destroying his life, divorcing him, finding out the grass isn't greener with her new lover, and then asking him and being told quite clearly there is no chance in hell he's ever going to take her back after what she did. Wishing she could be back with him the way it was before she destroyed his life is just delusional.

There isnt anything about this tale of woe that isn't selfish and narcissistic. Even the MN post is one asking for symathy and comfort from others. All very me, me, me.

now someone suggests she harass him!

I think it's an example of BEING KIND holding out false hope in an apparent effort to be supportive which is actually harmful and quite nasty.

OP a had the conversation about getting back together with him he said no and then moved away from the area.

It's not happening OP can grieve and have regrets - and what every prompted her actions they still happened -so the OP needs to find a way to move on with her life so it's as fulfilling and happy as she can make it.

Then you should have said “Most men”, shouldn’t you? You just wanted an excuse to spout more vitriol anyway.

I'm just lucky I guess. I remarried after an affair and DP is 15 years my junior. DxW went though menopause bitter and childless, barren and alone having had a number of affairs. I think she has dogs now to keep her company. Strange choices women make. Id much prefer children and a loving relationship going into old age than a few whippets, but each to there own. I'm sure she's happy with her choices too. Lol.

www.karger.com/Article/Pdf/209606
www.feistymenopause.com/blog/mentalhealthandmenopause
magnificentmidlife.com/blog/menopause-and-suicide-challenging-the-narrative/

It’s also rife with those who cannot accept the existence of something outside their own experience.

Yet another denial of something outside your own sphere of experience. God help us !!

Wow! That's incredible. I've never heard of such things. You read of these sweethearts who go their own way in highschool and then meet and get married in their sixties, and I can kinda see that that works after both have been through life's experiences, and have a lot of tales to tell one another.

There's a french TV show where lost loves try to find eachother anonymously on TV, and the show is about the big reveal, and will he/she like to see exP again or just walk away. All very slushy, but worht a watch. I think its called Only the Truth Matters.

This is where OP seems to be in her head. She wants to be 'the one' that breaks the rule. She wants him to need her and be willing to forgive her. The majority of men don't work that way. It was an amicable devorce by all accounts and he was pleasant and accommodating. I dont think he's a simp. I think he's happy and he's moved on.

This is why I like More or Less on radio 4 because it shocking how many quoted numbers are made up inaccurate or missing vital context there are in todays media.

Thanks. That's a really good article. For those who haven't clicked on the link, it completely debunks the idea that menopause "causes" suicide.

The whole thing is worth reading, but here's an extract:

The same goes for the menopause business. In her article on ‘the great menopause gold rush’ in the Guardian, science correspondent Linda Geddes writes that one report found the menopause market to be a £450bn business opportunity. An industry which has a self-interested bias towards sales of products and services, which tilts ‘education’ towards fixing a ‘hormone deficiency’ and promotes the miracle drug HRT as the ‘cure’ needs to be scrutinized.
Getting the topic of menopause out in the open has been so liberating for very many women who’ve suffered in ignorance, silence and shame.
Pressuring the medical profession to get educated and take menopause and its impact seriously gets every woman’s vote. So why dramatize the data and make questionable claims?

Why is it reckless and irresponsible ? The figures provided by the ONS are clear that the age range 45 to 54 is the highest peak. The Samaritans, the only organisation that collates suicide statistics for the UK, does not attribute these figures to menopause. When challenged on their reasons for that, they provided the following non-answer:

We know that there has been increased interest in this area recently, but unfortunately there are a lot of unknowns due to limited evidence based on these particular issues. However, we do know that suicide is complex and is rarely the result of one thing. A combination of psychological, social and physical factors contribute to a person’s risk of suicide, and its important that we don’t oversimplify the reasons why somebody might take their life as it can impact vulnerable people.”

Womens’ rights are being undermined more than ever these days and I don’t understand womens’ willingness to accept glib answers like this which don’t accept a clear link between the menopause and increased risk of suicide, and attempt to take menopause as a possible cause completely out of the equation by sitting on the fence.

Ohhhh I see. Did you post the link to that article but not actually read it? Because it goes into that in quite a lot of detail. For example:
Just a simple glance at the above chart shows that men peak at the same age and their numbers are much higher. This alone suggests that other more significant factors may be influencing the changes in suicide rate.

To be clear - that's from the link that YOU posted above. Did you read it?

@DotAndCarryOne2 And it's 'reckless and irresponsible' to throw around statistics without understanding them. See @Donnashair excellent debunking earlier in the thread. And it's also 'reckless and irresponsible' to encourage suicidal ideation.

Again, from the article that you linked to yourself :

Menopause can be hard and it can also be wonderfully empowering. Some women may feel suicidal but there may be so much else also going on in their lives, not just menopause. Using shocking figures out of context can do more harm than good, scaring women rather than empowering them.
Let’s be curious about numbers that are used to make a point and conclusions reached. Educate and challenge those who are misusing information. In our cause we are undermined by bad information. I also dug into the 900,000 women have left work because of menopause narrative and found the research it came from just didn’t stand up to scrutiny. It’s shocking. So be curious about the source, particularly for claims that seem shocking, and check whether it’s reputable and trustworthy.

Yep, read quite a few articles and a few links provided.

Its amazing how you try to shoehorn anything into your own world view.

@DotAndCarryOne2 calm the f*ck down will ya! Go for a walk or something .. 🤦‍♀️

[[www.karger.com/Article/Pdf/209606
www.feistymenopause.com/blog/mentalhealthandmenopause
magnificentmidlife.com/blog/menopause-and-suicide-challenging-the-narrative/]]

Just a simple glance at the above chart shows that men peak at the same age and their numbers are much higher. This alone suggests that other more significant factors may be influencing the changes in suicide rate. Eleanor Mills in the Observer noted: “Research from the Centre for Midlife in America finds that unhappiness peaks at the age of 47 because it is when we are hit with a tsunami of issues: divorce, bereavement, empty nests, elderly parents, our own health problems and redundancy.”
The Samaritans “monitor suicide statistics to make sure we reach those most at risk, and prevent suicide.” Their Dying From Equality report states “There is no single reason why people take their own lives. Suicide is a complex and multi-faceted behaviour, resulting from a wide range of psychological, social, economic and cultural risk factors which interact and increase an individual’s level of risk. Socioeconomic disadvantage is a key risk factor for suicidal behaviour…”

Totally see 47 happiness peak and dip - I'm a couple of years off this and DH is that age - and we are suddenly having issues with our parents health while we still have teens - doing A-levels and GCSE for next few years - DH was very stressed and upset last year but a change of work - which as hard as we are stuck to here as mid kids exam years - seems to have changed things though comes with new problems- and I'm trying to refocus/restart career and refocus my life a bit as kids have dominated my time but will soon by gone. It's a time of change and stresses.

Whilst I do agree that all aspects of menopause are worth exploring, this has no bearing on OPs post, what she did to her husband, or what she wants now. Its a nice attempt at diversion, but it is not relevant.

Totally agree. I was horrified by menopause and practically had a breakdown. It's like being run over by a train and, in addition to physical symptoms, I suffered this awful grief - for things I'd lost, for things I would lose in later life - over EVERYTHING.

Yes and your last one goes into the data and explains, as I did above, how that narrative is not the whole story. And if you know how to read data the narrative that’s being pushed isn’t as clear cut as people claim. You need to look at the data as a whole and not with one view to be able to see what it says.

Though, they obviously did it in a far better way.