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Relationships
Husband is lying I'm sure...what do I do?
scaredofdoingitallwrong · 21/02/2023 22:56
My husband and I have been together 17 years and have 2 children 11 and 14.
He's recently started a new job and told me he had to away for training on Friday / Saturday 2 hours away. No issues, I'm often by myself with the kids. Then Friday afternoon he called me to say he was late arriving as were some other people and he'd have to stay Saturday night too as they'd finish the training on Sunday.
This seemed a bit weird to me. He sent me a photo from where he supposedly was on Saturday. I did check and the location was right.
Then 8am on Sunday he sent me a photo of the training course. Only it was a screenshot, no metadata attached.
I looked again at the deleted photo from Saturday and it was taken 10 days previously.
When he got home on Sunday I confronted him about these photos and asked him what was going on. He seemed a bit flustered and admitted the photo was not taken on Saturday and he didn't know why he did it. He showed me his photo on his phone and one was a hotel lobby looking one where he said they'd got coffee. When I asked to look at the details the location was 30 minutes from our house in a different direction to where he said he was 2+ hours away and taken at 9:30 Saturday morning.
He had no explanation for that other than the phone was wrong and that was taken on Friday. He then got really cross and started shouting and one of the kids came in.
When I asked again to see the photo as it was eating me up he would let me touch his phone and he had deleted the metadata. Although he claims he hadn't. I told him I just wanted an explanation. He threatened one of his "tantrums" if I carried on talking about it. So I dropped it as I'm in shock.
Our marriage has been very up and down for years, mainly due to different sex drives. It's very down at the moment, we're basically just living in the same house.
In the last 12 months or so he has started working away at weekends occasionally which I had initially joked meant he was having an affair. He's stopped even trying to initiate sex for 8 months since we had a massive argument on holiday.
He's either having an affair or going to orgies or something isn't he? I need to speak to a solicitor don't I ?
BananaCocktails · 21/02/2023 23:06
The fact that you need to see evidence of where he is just speaks volumes. Partners who trust each other don’t need to get and see bloody meta data and to see photographs of where their other half actually is
He’s not your child where he has to prove where he is to you. In a healthy relationship, you should both trust each other, but clearly you do not trust him at all and he is giving you reason not to
it is clear that he is lying, and he admitted to lying to you by sending you the fake photos-
whether he went on a work trip or not , who knows? maybe he did or maybe he met up with someone which is what I suspect you are suspecting
my work sometimes sends me a couple of hours away in a hotel for training, but if this was a genuine trip then I see no reason why he couldn’t have just sent you a normal photograph.
The fact he is hiding and deleting meta data obviously means he has something to hide. He hasn’t shown you emails from his job , telling him that he’s going on a training course which would have been more proof than a photo
but I think your issues are bigger than this. It’s clear your marriage isn’t working , you don’t trust him and that you’re not getting along . This relationship is unhealthy and your children can see it
you sound so done with this..I would advise that you go and get some couples counselling with him and have a long chat with him and see where are you both at with each other or call it a day
please don’t leave a miserable life, just because you don’t want to rock the boat for your kids
scaredofdoingitallwrong · 21/02/2023 23:17
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/02/2023 23:12
You keep going in about metadata (whatever that is), you’re trying to track him and you don’t trust him.
I’d say that yes he is cheating and also advise him to run a mile away from you!
Do I sound that unhinged? Yes I clearly don't trust him do I. It's only just writing this has made me realise how weird that makes me sound but something just didn't ring true and my instincts have been telling me something is wrong for a while now.
scaredofdoingitallwrong · 21/02/2023 23:20
BananaCocktails · 21/02/2023 23:06
The fact that you need to see evidence of where he is just speaks volumes. Partners who trust each other don’t need to get and see bloody meta data and to see photographs of where their other half actually is
He’s not your child where he has to prove where he is to you. In a healthy relationship, you should both trust each other, but clearly you do not trust him at all and he is giving you reason not to
it is clear that he is lying, and he admitted to lying to you by sending you the fake photos-
whether he went on a work trip or not , who knows? maybe he did or maybe he met up with someone which is what I suspect you are suspecting
my work sometimes sends me a couple of hours away in a hotel for training, but if this was a genuine trip then I see no reason why he couldn’t have just sent you a normal photograph.
The fact he is hiding and deleting meta data obviously means he has something to hide. He hasn’t shown you emails from his job , telling him that he’s going on a training course which would have been more proof than a photo
but I think your issues are bigger than this. It’s clear your marriage isn’t working , you don’t trust him and that you’re not getting along . This relationship is unhealthy and your children can see it
you sound so done with this..I would advise that you go and get some couples counselling with him and have a long chat with him and see where are you both at with each other or call it a day
please don’t leave a miserable life, just because you don’t want to rock the boat for your kids
I have asked him several times to do couples therapy but he says he doesn't believe in it. And it's been easier to just ignore it and carry on, not rock the boat for the kids.
But now I am making it worse for them. I am honestly a shit parent and clearly judging by others reactions a shit partner too.
scaredofdoingitallwrong · 21/02/2023 23:25
Fuckstix · 21/02/2023 23:21
Whatever's going on hes not being honest and you sound beyond wanting to find out. Yes to solicitor. Mainly the threatening to have a tantrum. How could you ever be attracted to him again after that?
Well he didn't actually use those words. He just screams and shouts but he does this warning "I don't want to talk about this anymore ok I don't want to talk about this anymore " calm but angry voice first.
BananaCocktails · 21/02/2023 23:31
@scaredofdoingitallwrong you are most definitely not a shit parent. Don’t worry about other people on here. I think what that person was trying to say is it’s not healthy to want to track your partner. However you feel like you have no choice because you think he’s cheating and it’s all quite emotional for you , and you’ve had enough
some people don’t really think of the way they come across when they write on here so pay no attention to that
I said you’re not a shit parent because you are on here, asking for advice I’m not ignoring things I think you know that the relationship isn’t working. relationships do and can’t get better which is why I suggested the couples counselling. However, if he is not willing to meet you halfway there more other option do you have? ?
I think sometimes we get very attached to the routine of a relationship rather than really looking at what we really love about our man/ partner
you are hanging onto the old him, he doesn’t want to work things out with you. He is lying to you. He doesn’t wanna discuss anything with you without threatening a shouting match. I will talk to him and say that you are leaving and that’s that. by the sounds of it, he doesn’t spend much time with you either. As you say you have the kids all the time.
trust me when I say you’ll be much happier without someone like that in your life. It feels daunting at first and you feel like you will be all alone and no one to love you but your children love you and being on your own and happy in your own company is much better than being constantly anxious about where your partner is. It happened to me for years, I was constantly chasing at where my partner was, demanding to know where he was, him not answering the phone for hours and hours not coming home. Coming home late in the end, it was starting to make me think I was going mad
so I got out of there
scaredofdoingitallwrong · 21/02/2023 23:37
BananaCocktails · 21/02/2023 23:31
@scaredofdoingitallwrong you are most definitely not a shit parent. Don’t worry about other people on here. I think what that person was trying to say is it’s not healthy to want to track your partner. However you feel like you have no choice because you think he’s cheating and it’s all quite emotional for you , and you’ve had enough
some people don’t really think of the way they come across when they write on here so pay no attention to that
I said you’re not a shit parent because you are on here, asking for advice I’m not ignoring things I think you know that the relationship isn’t working. relationships do and can’t get better which is why I suggested the couples counselling. However, if he is not willing to meet you halfway there more other option do you have? ?
I think sometimes we get very attached to the routine of a relationship rather than really looking at what we really love about our man/ partner
you are hanging onto the old him, he doesn’t want to work things out with you. He is lying to you. He doesn’t wanna discuss anything with you without threatening a shouting match. I will talk to him and say that you are leaving and that’s that. by the sounds of it, he doesn’t spend much time with you either. As you say you have the kids all the time.
trust me when I say you’ll be much happier without someone like that in your life. It feels daunting at first and you feel like you will be all alone and no one to love you but your children love you and being on your own and happy in your own company is much better than being constantly anxious about where your partner is. It happened to me for years, I was constantly chasing at where my partner was, demanding to know where he was, him not answering the phone for hours and hours not coming home. Coming home late in the end, it was starting to make me think I was going mad
so I got out of there
Thank you for your kind words, really
WidthofaLine · 21/02/2023 23:57
You are about to embark on a game for want of a better word with a bored, clearly not investing enough time of a father and husband type of man.
This episode could just be for entitled fun, it could be more but you are going to feel very unsafe and de stabalised. No one here knows the outcome but rest assured by the time this whole saga has played out you will be exhausted and will probably hate him with a passion you never thought possible.
The advice on here will not make you take the shortcuts even though it would be wise but take the advice and store it, you will need your wits about you and the knowledge you can gather on here can be invaluble.
Good luck love, he sounds a selfish twat as many of them are, now is the time to enforce boundaries and ultimatums, hopefully he will step up.
Take good care of yourself.
Anon132 · 21/02/2023 23:58
Sounds like your gut is trying to tell you something. If there's one thing I'm learning in life, it's to listen to your gut and your instincts. It will always have your best interests at heart.
His actions are certainly seeming suspect and never good if you're
shut down with a mild threat of things becoming unpleasant if you continue a conversation about your feelings or concerns. Reassurance and understanding is what you need, he's giving quite the opposite and I'm not sure how he thinks this will be helpful.
I really hope your ok. It must feel really hard right now and the not knowing is a horrible feeling.
Hawkins003 · 21/02/2023 23:58
scaredofdoingitallwrong · 21/02/2023 22:56
My husband and I have been together 17 years and have 2 children 11 and 14.
He's recently started a new job and told me he had to away for training on Friday / Saturday 2 hours away. No issues, I'm often by myself with the kids. Then Friday afternoon he called me to say he was late arriving as were some other people and he'd have to stay Saturday night too as they'd finish the training on Sunday.
This seemed a bit weird to me. He sent me a photo from where he supposedly was on Saturday. I did check and the location was right.
Then 8am on Sunday he sent me a photo of the training course. Only it was a screenshot, no metadata attached.
I looked again at the deleted photo from Saturday and it was taken 10 days previously.
When he got home on Sunday I confronted him about these photos and asked him what was going on. He seemed a bit flustered and admitted the photo was not taken on Saturday and he didn't know why he did it. He showed me his photo on his phone and one was a hotel lobby looking one where he said they'd got coffee. When I asked to look at the details the location was 30 minutes from our house in a different direction to where he said he was 2+ hours away and taken at 9:30 Saturday morning.
He had no explanation for that other than the phone was wrong and that was taken on Friday. He then got really cross and started shouting and one of the kids came in.
When I asked again to see the photo as it was eating me up he would let me touch his phone and he had deleted the metadata. Although he claims he hadn't. I told him I just wanted an explanation. He threatened one of his "tantrums" if I carried on talking about it. So I dropped it as I'm in shock.
Our marriage has been very up and down for years, mainly due to different sex drives. It's very down at the moment, we're basically just living in the same house.
In the last 12 months or so he has started working away at weekends occasionally which I had initially joked meant he was having an affair. He's stopped even trying to initiate sex for 8 months since we had a massive argument on holiday.
He's either having an affair or going to orgies or something isn't he? I need to speak to a solicitor don't I ?
Pretty much, looks like affair in progress op.
He would of been better taking a photo of the photo and made sure the meta data matched.
WatieKatie · 21/02/2023 23:59
OP I’d be highly suspicious under the same circumstances. Is it normal in his industry to have training on a weekend?
The sudden change to overnight is also unusual as surely the meeting facilities and rooms would have to be booked in advance by the company.
There must be at very list an email with an invite to the training and possibly an agenda. I’d be asking to see these.
The fact that he sent you a fake photo and gets cross when you ask about it speaks volumes. If it was innocent he’d be able to prove it to very easily. I’d keep digging if only to watch him squirm.
Gigglemous · 21/02/2023 23:59
The moment you have to check 'metadata' (wtf is that?) /location/time details on photos to prove your partner is where they say they are, is the moment your relationship is over. It is so grossly unhealthy
However... I'd put money on him turning you into the kind of person that does this. And your instincts are right.
He is a liar and a cheater. Before his actions turn you into someone you don't recognise, leave this gaslighting son of a bitch. Before you know it, he will say its your fault, you pushed him by being so paranoid. He will tell family/friends/colleages about how you would keep tabs on location, how you would ask for proof of his whereabouts. He will be the victim. Do not allow it to get to that point. He will control the narrative, so take his choice away from him completely and leave him rather than wait for more evidence or arguments. Leave him when he leady expects.
Not all men are like this. And this isn't you either. Change the narrative OP. Give yourself and your kids a better existence. Hold your head high. You've fucking got this.
supercali77 · 22/02/2023 00:04
I dont get the people who agree he's obviously lying but then accuse you of being unhinged for using your knowhow to follow your suspicions. Do most people just sit round with a bad gut and think 'oh well, we've 2 kids but I'll just leave because of my intuition' Yes there's something up with it, your guts been telling you and now things don't add up with the photos...his reaction also speaks volumes. Whether you try to find more proof or not, only you know. But it doesn't sound like the marriage is working in any case?
Maze76 · 22/02/2023 00:08
@scaredofdoingitallwrong I’m sorry to say that it sounds like he is lying to you, and possibly is having an affair or engaging in sex with someone.
Trust your instincts- I wouldn’t ask him any more questions about it, I would observe his actions.
This is a shock and no decisions about the future have to be made right now- I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s not fair and it is shit place to be, but you will get through this.
FictionalCharacter · 22/02/2023 00:10
You're not a shit partner. I don't know why people are wittering on about how unhealthy it is for you to be checking his photos. It's obvious that you'd do this because you don't trust him - and rightly so! He's lied, you have proof, and he reacts by losing his temper. He's the problem, not you.
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