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Original poster

DP googling how to fix my boobs

162 replies

Speechlass · 21/02/2023 19:14

Just looked on the history of our shared computer for something related to my work, and saw some websites my DP has searched/clicked on.

These include:
•How will my body change after breastfeeding
•Tips to reshape your breasts after breastfeeding
•And how to fix saggy breasts
•"How to make breasts go back to normal after weaning" (a direct search)

I've stated insecurities about this before whilst breastfeeding our three DC, but not recently. He has made insensitive comments before but generally, tries to compliment me and tell me I look great. Just a bit shocked to discover this.

Should I mention this? Genuinely not sure if I'm overreacting since I have mentioned being unhappy with my breasts before. But also feeling very WTF

OP posts:
tiaandduck · 22/02/2023 05:03

@Eyerollcentral is right stop being so reasonable about it. Therapy isn't going to stop him being a misogynist Arsehole that all of a sudden values you and your amazing body after birthing and feeding your children. His views are ingrained.

Never mind post breast feeding boobs, how bloody unattractive is a man who views women like this, who won't stop watching porn and expecting their wife to be just like the porn stars. It's disgusting and depressing.
I would leave to be honest. My confidence would be rock bottom staying with a prick like this and at least then I would have my self respect and show him I won't be a victim of his misogynistic ideals.
Thing is if it was men who birthed and fed their children and my husband had put weight on, had saggy man breasts or what ever, it wouldn't change how much I love him. Maybe, naturally I would find him more attractive in our younger years but It wouldn't bother me to the extent of googling how to fix his body or enough for me to actually want to do anything about it...because we all age, change and children changes our bodies.
How is going to take to you getting older? When your in your 40s and he's eyeing up 20 year olds wishing he had a younger model?

maybeinanoter86 · 22/02/2023 05:51

Op this is horrific . I'm so sorry you are with such a self centred bastard . I have severe insecurities after breastfeeding . My boobs are unfortunately down to my belly button 😂. I'd love to have an uplift . My partner was also watching porn and it made me feel like shit .

I would have to leave him one this if he wasn't researching for you . But I have an awful feeling it was for him .

Original poster
Speechlass · 22/02/2023 07:23

Dodgeitornot · 22/02/2023 00:23

I just want to give you a hug :( I'm sure you've got lovely boobs! He can piss off.

Thank you x Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Speechlass · 22/02/2023 07:30

That's a fair point. I'm not exactly sure how couples therapy can fix this is this if it's such a strong 'preference'- given the porn I'm not sure if this a case of liking before (I was skinny then too), maybe a nicer way of saying I should look completely different Confused

@maybeinanoter86 it's shit. Did you manage to resolve it?

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:03

This is besides the main point (that he's an immature, superficial wanker) but I know a couple of women who had quite big, relatively buoyant boobs before pregnancy and breast feeding.

One, my sister, had her ex .. note ex ... Comment negatively on here after pregnancy avd a short period/attempt at breast feeding; after a while they returned to previous. I'm not sure if the exact technicalities but I think fat is displaced by active glands etc. and it takes time to migrate/reform after breast feeding stops .

A friend was the same; I don't think her h made any comments (I hope he has more decency than that) but she mentioned it to me herself. I think the sane happened for her (back to relative normal) after a while.

I found the same (though I only combi fed for about 6 months). I am naturally skinny with small boobs (like most skinny women) and I definitely found any fat in them had gone AWOL and they were not "full" .. until it came back over time.

However, this is not really the issue.

TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:03

*Comment negatively on them

TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:11

I'm not exactly sure how couples therapy can fix this is this if it's such a strong 'preference'- given the porn I'm not sure if this a case of liking before (I was skinny then too), maybe a nicer way of saying I should look completely different Confused

Again, he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with a woman who was not his preference if he was not prepared to be realistic, stoical, tolerant and kind about that compromise.

As for porn, unless he looks like Manual Ferrrera, Chad White, Johnny Castle, Johnny Sins, James Dean, Charles Dera (before he took too many drugs), Tyler Nixon, Danny D etc etc.; He can fuck off.

Given most of them have 8 inch dicks the circumference of a coke can, and a six pack; I'd imagine not.

Enough about you not looking a certain way; men like this need that turned around on them.

Blessedwithsunshine · 22/02/2023 08:39

Speechlass · 22/02/2023 07:30

That's a fair point. I'm not exactly sure how couples therapy can fix this is this if it's such a strong 'preference'- given the porn I'm not sure if this a case of liking before (I was skinny then too), maybe a nicer way of saying I should look completely different Confused

@maybeinanoter86 it's shit. Did you manage to resolve it?

What are you going to do?

There is no way I could stay with a man that disrespected me and my body like this. Having said that I would have left years ago when his porn habit started.

I think we set the standards and boundaries in relationships, and it is up to us to reinforce them.

GoldDuster · 22/02/2023 08:41

Couples therapy isn't it, individual therapy for him maybe to address his misogyny, his delusion and his inability to accept normal bodily changes might be.

I have some news for him, at some point his balls will be hanging significantly lower than they are now, his arse cheeks will have lost their youthful spring, his erections will be less hard and less easy to come by and he might have hair growing out of his ear lobes amongst many other things. Is he expecting you to be more accepting and tactful of that than he is able to be? How will he feel if you're googling testicle plastic surgery because you prefer them higher?

This is nothing at all to do with what's in your bra and everything to do with what's between his ears.

Blessedwithsunshine · 22/02/2023 08:43

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

^ this

TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:45

I have some news for him, at some point his balls will be hanging significantly lower than they are now, his arse cheeks will have lost their youthful spring, his erections will be less hard and less easy to come by and he might have hair growing out of his ear lobes amongst many other things

The no. of men who seem to get male pattern baldness and paunchiness is very high too.

WimpoleHat · 22/02/2023 08:51

If nothing else, he's not the sharpest is he? Where does he see the revelation that he finds the mother of his children less attractive going?

My thoughts exactly. FFS. I mean, presumably you’d find him a lot more attractive if he looked like Brad Pitt circa 1995 with several million in the bank and a PhD in astrophysics. But I presume you don’t make that point on a daily basis as it’s pretty corrosive within a relationship. He’s insensitive, shallow and totally lacking in any sort of self awareness. Honestly, I’d be tempted to give him a short sharp shock. “Off you go turn, Michael - go and find one of the hordes of porn star hot girls who are simply lining up to shag you……”. Idiot.

Teachingteacher · 22/02/2023 09:06

OP - I just want to address the porn thing. You DON’T have to be accepting of your husband watching porn. If that’s a red line for you then you have every right to hold him to that. Not wanting your partner to masturbate to videos of naked women having sex is a perfectly acceptable boundary.

Many people will say ‘all men do it’ as if that excuses it. But if he’s serious about your relationship he will take active steps to stop watching porn. My husband is in a support group for ex-porn users, and there are a huge number of men working on breaking the addiction. I’m not involved in this at all, i never ask him about it and we never discuss it. But I know he works hard to avoid porn, to the point where we have very controlled internet access on all our devices, no mobile internet on his phone etc.

I feel so awful for you. I would be devastated and I’m not sure i could ever have sex with him again. Counselling Is non-negotiable. He needs to know how much this has hurt you and that he’s crossed the line here.

P.S. I’m a Mum of 2 and my boobs are certainly not their perkiest either. It’s normal and our bodies are amazing and beautiful. They created life!!!!

Catspyjamas17 · 22/02/2023 09:12

I'd have a conversation with him about it rather than trying to read between the lines of internet search terms.

Porn makes sex much harder for women to feel good about themselves. I hate it for what it’s done to us.

I hate porn and agree generally but on an individual basis it is possible to completely ignore it. It has had absolutely zero influence on how I feel about myself.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 09:17

Oooh I'd be furious. He does realise that the literal point of breasts is to feed children? They're not there for his entertainment.

I remember way back when I was insecure about my boobs looking like deflated balloons and I cried to my husband (then boyfriend). He looked at me like I'd grown an extra head and said "you fed my daughter with those, they're perfect!". He was 19 years old.

Your husband is less mature and thoughtful than an 19 year old boy (unless he is also 19 which might actually explain some things). I'm not convinced therapy can fix that, it's not a magic cure all. The hope would be that the therapist can help him stop seeing your body as an object for his sexual entertainment and start seeing it as what it is - the amazing biological wonder that carried and birthed and fed his children.

Mirabai · 22/02/2023 09:46

And what does he look like OP?

Original poster
Speechlass · 22/02/2023 09:51

There is no way I could stay with a man that disrespected me and my body like this. Having said that I would have left years ago when his porn habit started.

Looking back, absolutely. I didn't have a huge problem until fairly recently. When porn is involved, the trust needed is a lot and it's been broken.

We what i thought was an honest conversation one evening and then caught him spayed across the toilet, phone and tissue in hand, in the middle of the night. Of I knew I'd be in this cycle of distrust years ago, I'd have stayed single. Too much at stake to leave on a whim though.

Thank you @Teachingteacher, sometimes I wonder if it's controlling to have this boundary. We are trying to work through this again, I like the idea of a support group of men working together actually.

OP posts:
Original poster
Speechlass · 22/02/2023 09:54

Catspyjamas17 · 22/02/2023 09:12

I'd have a conversation with him about it rather than trying to read between the lines of internet search terms.

Porn makes sex much harder for women to feel good about themselves. I hate it for what it’s done to us.

I hate porn and agree generally but on an individual basis it is possible to completely ignore it. It has had absolutely zero influence on how I feel about myself.

To me, watching the complete opposite of me reinforces a preference that has no benefit to our relationship- if that makes sense. Watching 'big ass dildo' doesn't even enhance our sex life, it's just wanking to someone else.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 22/02/2023 09:55

Wanking on the toilet must be one of the biggest turn offs around. Do you actually still find him attractive yourself? What’s to like about this specimen?

Original poster
Speechlass · 22/02/2023 09:58

I remember way back when I was insecure about my boobs looking like deflated balloons and I cried to my husband (then boyfriend). He looked at me like I'd grown an extra head and said "you fed my daughter with those, they're perfect!". He was 19 years old.

Yep, this is the perfect response from him, that's really sweet.

And what does he look like OP?
I don't want to out myself with a descriptionGrinNot perfect (who is?) but to me attractive and definitely wouldn't change anything... and I don't search how to fix XYZ for him.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 22/02/2023 09:58

Time to start sending him ads for penis enlargement. How very dare he.

GoldDuster · 22/02/2023 10:08

We are trying to work through this again

I don't feel that dealing with his compulsion to splay out over the toilet in the middle of the night for a wanking session is a "we need to work on it" issue.

This isn't yours to fix. No couples therapy is going to help with this, do not let him put this at your door and blame your body for his problem.

If h e has an issue with porn that is affecting your relationship, he needs to accept it (or not) and if so, deal with it. You didn't cause it, you don't get to fix it.

Your job is to protect yourself, and make sure the outfall of his habit has the least impact possible on you and your children.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 22/02/2023 10:14

Definite WTF here.
He's just imbibed the social message that boobs are for pleasure and there are aesthetic standards to meet.
If that's a search motivated by genuine concern for your happiness and well being I'd eat my hat.
It's your real body not a commodity and it's created and nurtured his child.
Dick.

Mirabai · 22/02/2023 10:23

So not perfect like most men and yet you’re not fixating on certain features wanting to change them.

If you told him his penis wasn’t large enough to satisfy you, you watched big dick porn & asked if he could get an enlargement - how would he react?

QueefQueen80s · 22/02/2023 11:03

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Thankyou for articulating this. It helps me keep someone blocked who is a porn hound and insta photo liking sleaze..
"I hate what its done to us" yes! Men wish we wanted sex more, complain we don't get naked.. then they should make us feel like goddesses then! Make us love our saggy stretchmarked flesh. Don't watch porn with "perfect" 18 year olds 🤢 Don't follow young lingerie models. Don't make us feel insecure and then complain we don't want sex or we aren't loving towards them.
It ruins relationships.