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Original poster

Dating a separated man - why am I the other woman?

144 replies

Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:08

Very lovely bf. Dating 8 months. He is in the process of a divorce and has been separated 3 years. His close friends are really nice, mine like him. But...any friends that are mutual to him and his wife literally don't want to hear my name. His daughters in their twenties do not want to know anything about me including my name, and have asked him not to refer any aspect of this part of his life. We met through mutual friends, mine and his who know his wife - won't see us together either. Interestingly it's all the women who seem to umbridge. Just to be clear, this isn't about meeting his children. But I do think that a grown man separated from his wife for this amount of time should be able to say "I am seeing X at the weekend" . It annoys me as he's so nice and so kind to his daughters and sees them all the time but he can't say what he is doing or what makes him happy if I am part of that equation. It makes me feel quite negative towards them when I really don't want to feel like that.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 21/02/2023 12:10

He might be lovely but I'd reconsider a relationship with a man where his friends and family refused to accept me through no fault of my own.

Has the ex moved on?;has she had difficulty accepting it's over?

minipie · 21/02/2023 12:12

Are you sure he’s separated? Lives separately and you have seen this?

Is it possible he cheated 3 years ago and everyone assumes you were the OW?

louise5754 · 21/02/2023 12:13

Did he cheat on his wife?

Why did they split?

Do you think he was seeing her while he was seeing you without either of you knowing?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:13

minipie · 21/02/2023 12:12

Are you sure he’s separated? Lives separately and you have seen this?

Is it possible he cheated 3 years ago and everyone assumes you were the OW?

Yep, he lives on his own. There's no issues there.

OP posts:
louise5754 · 21/02/2023 12:13

Cross posted

threeplusmum · 21/02/2023 12:13

Not worth the aggro his kids will always come first and I don't see them 'accepting' you anytime soon.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:14

louise5754 · 21/02/2023 12:13

Did he cheat on his wife?

Why did they split?

Do you think he was seeing her while he was seeing you without either of you knowing?

Most definitely not, we met through friends who know his wife too and he was separated and living a part for about 2 years when we met.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 21/02/2023 12:16

I can see it from both sides.
If the wife is still very distressed about the separation and divorce I can see why people are trying to protect her feelings.
Do you know the reason why the marriage broke down? Was there another woman (who had since moved on)?
Or did the man have lots of affairs?
Whatever the reason, I think you need to respect her feelings. Even if you were not personally responsible for the break-up.

BreviloquentBastard · 21/02/2023 12:17

That's pretty odd behaviour from friends and adult children... Is he just expected to stay single forever? Did he cheat on her or something so there's just some lingering resentment there or what? I find it very odd.

I've remained friends with divorced friends and happily met new partners on both sides, I can't imagine refusing to see them together or speak about them unless something really awful had happened or he started dating someone woefully inappropriate.

Successgirl2022 · 21/02/2023 12:18

Jealousy.

Successgirl2022 · 21/02/2023 12:19

If I was a secret for so long, I wouldn't accept it either.

Successgirl2022 · 21/02/2023 12:20

He either grows up and stands up for me or we are not together.

ditalini · 21/02/2023 12:20

This sort of thing doesn't have to be logical. If his wife is single and not happy about the split then I think it's fairly natural for family and friends not to risk their relationship with her for the sake of you and your relationship, who - no offence meant - means absolutely nothing to them.

Often in these situations someone ends up being labelled "to blame" - even if the marriage was obviously unhappy, and even if there was "fault" on both sides. Usually that's the person who rocked the boat by ending the relationship. I'm guessing that was your partner in this case.

Things may change in time, especially if the wife moves on, but it may not ever resolve completely. If that's not something that you can manage then probably best to find something less complicated emotionally.

RememberNancyDrew · 21/02/2023 12:21

Why is the divorce taking so long to finalize?

He's still married. Are you just the girlfriend du jour during the 3 year separation?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:22

TheShellBeach · 21/02/2023 12:16

I can see it from both sides.
If the wife is still very distressed about the separation and divorce I can see why people are trying to protect her feelings.
Do you know the reason why the marriage broke down? Was there another woman (who had since moved on)?
Or did the man have lots of affairs?
Whatever the reason, I think you need to respect her feelings. Even if you were not personally responsible for the break-up.

Hi, just to be clear, I am not even suggesting that I went to something with my bf if his wife was there - I completely understand, having been through a divorce some years ago, how incredibly painful it is.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 21/02/2023 12:25

The point is he is still a married man. Not surprised his family don't approve. Why don't you find somebody who is free.

nc1013 · 21/02/2023 12:30

Viviennemary · 21/02/2023 12:25

The point is he is still a married man. Not surprised his family don't approve. Why don't you find somebody who is free.

What a ridiculous statement!

If he's legally separated he's free to date. My exH had an 18 month affair while I was pregnant and for the 1st year of DCs life.

As a DC was involved I had to wait a year to file for divorce. Now exH refused to agree to the terms and it dragged on through court for 3+ years.

In the end we were legally separated but technically married for over 4 years after he cheated on me in horrendous circumstances. Was I in the wrong for dating over that 4 year period where I was going thorough a divorce that had not been finalised?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:31

Viviennemary · 21/02/2023 12:25

The point is he is still a married man. Not surprised his family don't approve. Why don't you find somebody who is free.

I do love MN and it's Victorian values....

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 21/02/2023 12:31

People don’t have to be friends with you or him. There’s a lot of married couples I know that socialise together. If one of them split I can see that being very awkward.

stealthninjamum · 21/02/2023 12:32

Op you don’t really know what happened. I don’t think mine had an affair (he does admit to a flirtation with a work colleage) but he was so incredibly nasty when I left - uncharacteristically so - that even our mutual male friends stopped inviting him to curry nights.

i don’t think my ex is a bad person - and I’m very happy with dp now - but I can imagine if I was on my own and unhappy about the split our friends / dc wouldn’t want to meet a new girlfriend.

One other thing, I was a sahp, organised our social life, cooked loads for people, bought gifts and cards, and often did babysitting/ gave lifts for dc of working friends in a tight spot. Lots of women do this - so maybe people had loyalty to me because I was seen to give more (emotionally and time wise). I didn’t ask for the preference - but I’m suggesting it could be a factor.

Pseudonamed · 21/02/2023 12:39

Viviennemary · 21/02/2023 12:25

The point is he is still a married man. Not surprised his family don't approve. Why don't you find somebody who is free.

In this case nobody in Ireland would get into another relationship for a minimum of 5 years after separating ffs Divorce over here can take forever, I am sure in the UK it can take more than a few months too in some situations.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 21/02/2023 12:43

@Livelifelaughter Are you much younger than his ex?

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:50

Apairofsparklingeyes · 21/02/2023 12:43

@Livelifelaughter Are you much younger than his ex?

Same age...

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:51

Pseudonamed · 21/02/2023 12:39

In this case nobody in Ireland would get into another relationship for a minimum of 5 years after separating ffs Divorce over here can take forever, I am sure in the UK it can take more than a few months too in some situations.

Show quote history

Well min is 6 months and that's if everything is agreed regarding the finances

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/02/2023 12:56

Perhaps they would be the same with anyone else he was dating or maybe they just don't like you or things they've heard.

I would wait and assess the situation when he has actually divorced then look at it again.

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