Dating a separated man - why am I the other woman?

[Livelifelaughter]

Very lovely bf. Dating 8 months. He is in the process of a divorce and has been separated 3 years. His close friends are really nice, mine like him. But...any friends that are mutual to him and his wife literally don't want to hear my name. His daughters in their twenties do not want to know anything about me including my name, and have asked him not to refer any aspect of this part of his life. We met through mutual friends, mine and his who know his wife - won't see us together either. Interestingly it's all the women who seem to umbridge. Just to be clear, this isn't about meeting his children. But I do think that a grown man separated from his wife for this amount of time should be able to say "I am seeing X at the weekend" . It annoys me as he's so nice and so kind to his daughters and sees them all the time but he can't say what he is doing or what makes him happy if I am part of that equation. It makes me feel quite negative towards them when I really don't want to feel like that.

Why do you need their approval?

iI think it is a bit naive to think that everyone will welcome you.

Because really none of this is about you personally...

It is about the fact that his ex and adult children were likely to have been hurt and the separation very likely was acrimonious. For all you know he might have cheated on her or treated her poorly for years.

Even if the relationship broke down because they simply drifted apart it is understandable that hurt was still caused. So of course these people are not concerned with welcoming you with open arms. Some will feel they need to show loyalty to the ex and meet the new girlfriend.

You need to focus on the relationship and stop trying to want everyone to like you.

Also I should have added 8 months is nothing. I don't see why they would want to meet his latest date, every time.

Things would likely improve with time if this turns into a long term relationship between the two of you.

The separation is 3 years old from the time he moved into his own property. He continues (and I think this is the right thing) to completely financially support his wife and children.

I am afraid I can't agree with you. It's really not unreasonable for someone who is living apart has been honest in saying the relationship is at an end to have a relationship.

If there was no marriage then "moving on " wouldn't even be a debate. They began under the old system of 2 years separation by mutual consent to avoid citing unreasonable behaviour as a ground. Because of the finances involved and general delays the procedure is very protracted.

I can understand what you're saying but it actually it can be quite trying sometimes on a practical level. So as an example if he needs to call me, such as was the case at Christmas, he couldn't say that in front of his daughters but had to make an excuse to leave the house, or one of them wanted a lift on a day we were away. Or if they call when we are out and they ask where he is - he won't lie of course but then it just becomes quite stilted and frankly it takes the shine off things...

I agree. In fact I actually said "there's no need to mention me all the time or rub their faces in it," really just a mention in conversation where it would be natural to do so, so if we are going away and they want to see him he can just tell them rather than a "I am going to Spain" or "I am having dinner in Clapham on Saturday"

My friends are getting divorced, similar time frame to your BF. Daughters are adults and have no desire whatsoever to know my male friends GF. Do you have children op?

I have heard both sides of the relationship issues as friends with both and I have taken a side as such. It not tenable to remain friends with both. I bet his yarn spinning is very different to hers. Even though the male in this situation was my original friend I have chosen to remain friends with his wife. No drama no cutting him off or having a go but I cannot be a go between or listen to both anymore.

If they choose to never want to know you that’s their perogative.

There's a difference between "wanting to know me" and I agree as adults they decide who they want to know. But actually saying that their father cannot mention or make any reference at all to anyone he is in a relationship is creating a fictional situation. It makes it very difficult for their father too.

Your boyfriend is the problem here. He’ll model to others how to treat you. That’s all. If the dynamic doesn’t change soon - leave, otherwise you’ll waste your time. I speak from personal experience.

You’ve avoided answering who is telling you all of this crap.

It’s him, isn’t it. Just doesn’t ring true.

Sounds like he wants to keep you separate from these people, god knows what bullshit he is feeding them about you too.

I refused to have a relationship until my divorce was complete and wouldn't be with anyone who wasn't divorced either.

In the end, I met my now DH, we started our relationship and he told me he was divorced. Turned out he wasn't because he's a nitwit and didn't realise the decree absolute was what made you divorced (thought the nisi was the divorce and absolute related to finances), but he got that sorted straight away when I explained- literally emailed his solicitors in front of me!

Everyone judged my exH very harshly for starting a relationship before we were actually divorced and I agree.

you have a DP problem. If all is as you say, then he needs to grow a pair and not run away to make phone calls like some naughty child.

That's approximately 2.5 years min then....if you use the old system and then enter the new one and there's no delays and everything is agreed ... each to one's own.

I'm not saying you have to agree or even that I do. I'm.simply pointing out that there can be different perspectives on this. Irrational as they may seem to you it would be wise to try and understand or at least acknowledge that you may not have the only perspective. For whatever reason there does seem to be a significant amount of emotion in this situation that is affecting his daughters and some friends. If it was me it wouldn't necessarily stop me from having the relationship or from believing the narrative I had been given. However, I would be genuinely curious to unpack the attitudes and the reasons behind them. Most people feel their friends and family deserve to be happy and work to accommodate that to some extent...even when it is tricky. The point I am.trying to make is don't be in too much of a hurry to judge them as all being unreasonable and unworthy of taking seriously. A sensitive, curious and open-minded approach would be a wise course of action here in my opinion.

''@TedMullins · Yesterday 18:52
I’m surprised anyone is defending the friends and daughters. They’re all adults but behaving like they’re in high school! He’s been separated three years. He’s absolutely entitled to get on with his life and date''

He is entitled to move on with his life and have a new partner, but equally his adult children and friends he had in common with his wife have no obligation to have regular contact with that new partner or even to like her..

You can't always have everything in life.

The OP probably doesn't have the whole story either and the divorce could have been very acrimonious for many reasons, including cheating, and the kids and friends probably witnessed first hand the pain it caused and could have some very good reason to not want to be involved in condoning this new relationship.

As I have said before on this thread I am not quite sure why the OP is so desperate to have the approval of his kids and of some specific friends. If she is enjoying being with him she should just focus on that and the group of friends that have no issues with their relationship.

Oh goodness. Of course I appreciate that it's a sensitive situation. And I am not in a hurry to judge them but like wise perhaps not judging me or whether I am not seeing and trying to understand their situation. I am but really there can be other forces at play and not ones that lend themselves to logical explanation.

I am not desperate for approval. And if I was reading my own post I could understand why many people have said " why do you need to meet the children" or "get on with friends" . But when you're in the situation it's very different. It's being in a room with someone who can't say where he is because his daughters have told him not to mention a relationship or him sad that he's losing friends he has know for years because they won't ask what he's been doing because they don't want to know. It's not really about approval it's really about their disapproval.

This really does seem some sound and carefully balanced advice.

I think 8 months is pretty new tbh. You've not been around long enough for them to want to get to know you. I would guess they don’t see your relationship as a serious one yet, so probably think it pointless getting to know you, or learning anything about you, as the relationship is still in the very early stages.

I can't speak for his friends or family but it could just be the narrative his ex gas chosen to spin. My DP was separated for 2 years when we met, as was I. My ex and he get along great. We all co parent nicely now on my side. I am, treated with absolute disdain by my DPs ex wife. Despite her instigating their separation. There was definitely no cheating/ no bad behaviour, just their marriage had run its course. But when I came along, two years later, she became hostile, refused him all access to his children. It's been horrific and still is. No reason for it at all. I am treated like I was the OW and the narrative changed totally. Very sad.

@Livelifelaughter we both divorced using unreasonable behaviour.

I have the same. The relationship was well and truly over before he met me, she'd said the most horrific things about him that would make you think she'd never want him back- yet she treats me like I stole him.

I've tried to build a positive relationship for the children, but it's never going to happen.

@SSocialLite it's bizarre isn't it? And so harmful and detrimental to the children. I personally don't really care how/what she feels. I'm happy, but it does upset me that the relationship with the dc on Partners side are affected. She has a horrible nickname for me, really spiteful which she uses when referring to me to her dc.

I had similar, until it came to the financial separation when suddenly my name was brought up in court and the ex petitioned to have my salary taken into account in order to claim a bigger share of the marital assets.

fwiw we were also a new relationship, she didn’t even know my surname, just knew what I did and likely it was paid well. Funnily enough she never mentioned her OM living with her.

anyway yes there were mutual friends who had very little to do with dh for a while. A lot of it is people side with the mum as they see her being left with the kids while the man goes off and plays the single life. It came out fairly quickly though that she had caused the split to move the OM in when they went to see her to support her and she clearly had him living there.

@Humanswarm it sounds like you're telling my story.

I am curios to know why your bf told you that his daughters asked him not to mention you, like really, he did not have to tell you this. It seems unnecessary thing to say and something that would most likely hurt your feelings and potential relationship with them later on. Also, you have been avoiding to tell us what caused the separation. If he cheated on his ex this would most certainly cause resentment towards you and any other future gf in kids and friends too.

Either way, he has a right to date at this point and the kids should not be making a fuss about it, however, they do not have to like you and may decide not to have any contact with you. That is their right.