Page 6 | Dating a separated man - why am I the other woman?

Livelifelaughter · 2023-02-21T12:08:05+00:00

Very lovely bf. Dating 8 months. He is in the process of a divorce and has been separated 3 years. His close friends are really nice, mine like him. But...any friends that are mutual to him and his wife literally don't want to hear my name. His daughters in their twenties do not want to know anything about me including my name, and have asked him not to refer any aspect of this part of his life. We met through mutual friends, mine and his who know his wife - won't see us together either. Interestingly it's all the women who seem to umbridge. Just to be clear, this isn't about meeting his children. But I do think that a grown man separated from his wife for this amount of time should be able to say "I am seeing X at the weekend" . It annoys me as he's so nice and so kind to his daughters and sees them all the time but he can't say what he is doing or what makes him happy if I am part of that equation. It makes me feel quite negative towards them when I really don't want to feel like that.

Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 22:35

Why does he still pay for his daughters and wife if they are old enough to have professional jobs?

Im going to say this guy has money and they liked having access to it and now you have come along they are concerned that will change

I think it’s very sad that the other couples are prepared to treat you and he this way

Just remember though it’s not you or about you it’s about their ridiculous craziness!!!

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 23/02/2023 22:36

iamenough2023 · 23/02/2023 22:22

I am curios to know why your bf told you that his daughters asked him not to mention you, like really, he did not have to tell you this. It seems unnecessary thing to say and something that would most likely hurt your feelings and potential relationship with them later on. Also, you have been avoiding to tell us what caused the separation. If he cheated on his ex this would most certainly cause resentment towards you and any other future gf in kids and friends too.

Either way, he has a right to date at this point and the kids should not be making a fuss about it, however, they do not have to like you and may decide not to have any contact with you. That is their right.

He told me because I asked him if he had spoken to his daughters about me it's as simple as that.
His marriage ended because it seems to have run it's course when the children left for further education; I wasn't particularly hiding that. Anyway no one was involved.
I'd agree they don't have to have any contact with me they're adults and free to decide, that was never my point.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 23/02/2023 22:44

Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 22:35

Why does he still pay for his daughters and wife if they are old enough to have professional jobs?

Im going to say this guy has money and they liked having access to it and now you have come along they are concerned that will change

I think it’s very sad that the other couples are prepared to treat you and he this way

Just remember though it’s not you or about you it’s about their ridiculous craziness!!!

I do think daughters can be quite possessive of father's, especially when there's no brothers. Also if the mother isn't in a relationship (,which she isn't) there's more sympathy for the mother...

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SVRT19674 · 24/02/2023 08:58

What worries me is that he hasn´t grown a pair and told them to stop that behaviour. You don´t have to meet or be best pals, but he should be having your back and absolutely refusing to pretend he hasn´t moved on and demanding respect. The fact he hasn´t is a red flag. Personally, life is too short for this shit. You have read some of the PPs experiences, they are not good once this dynamic starts. I think you have a partner problem, whatever you say.

KatherineJaneway · 25/02/2023 06:28

Livelifelaughter · 22/02/2023 13:23

There's a difference between "wanting to know me" and I agree as adults they decide who they want to know. But actually saying that their father cannot mention or make any reference at all to anyone he is in a relationship is creating a fictional situation. It makes it very difficult for their father too.

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It makes it very difficult for their father too.

He should be managing that though, not just sitting back going 'woe is me'.

As pp said, he should sit his daughters down amd say that he has a right to a private life and to refer to his new relationship in general conversation.

Daffodils320 · 25/02/2023 07:20

I find it interesting to read these messages. My exh and I are in a similar position to the one mentioned; separated a while, teenage children, he is in a new relationship with a younger woman.
I admit to finding it really hard to hear information about his new relationship and realised recently that I subconsciously view his gf as the OW (he cheated several times) even though she isn't.
Reading the comments here has made me think about what it might be like on the other side and it has given me food for thought.
I think OP you have said there wasn't cheating involved in your situation? If there was it would explain the reactions - my family want nothing to do with my exh after his behaviour and I admit to feeling resentment that he appears to have "got away with it" despite everything he did. But that's not his gf's fault.
My kids aren't interested in getting to know the new woman because they just find the whole situation uncomfortable and they admit to finding it difficult to hear someone talking about their dad "as if she knows him better than we do". I know the children are older in this situation but I think the older they are the harder it is.
I wish you luck and thank you for making me look at my own situation from the opposite angle.

Questionneedanswer · 25/02/2023 07:28

It’s strange they are doing this

My STBX walked out on me when pregnant leaving me with needy vulnerable kids for OW
He has portrayed it as not an affair

Our mutual friends have continued to see him and include her (rather than see me)

There is more to this - something must have happened in the split causing them to be loyal to her

ponyinmud · 26/02/2023 10:34

Definitely more to this than you know/or are telling us.

Are you generally not very nice? Maybe it's more that people don't warm to you - they obviously like the wife, so maybe the contrast is difficult for them to accept.

Re the daughters, it might just be a case of time. You are very 'new' as a couple, you might not be together for long, so why would they want to meet you?
If my dad was in that position and I was in my 20's I would not be remotely interested in meeting his girlfriends.

CamillasToe · 27/02/2023 02:09

@ponyinmud "are you generally not very nice..?" Really? 🤣

OP your boyfriend needs to resolve these issues. It's not up to daughters or the friends.
I understand him wanting to tread carefully initially but if he's serious about you then he needs to start tackling these things head on.

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/02/2023 04:23

It sounds like there is more to it than you have been told. Maybe they assume you had an affair? That would explain the strange behaviour.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 28/02/2023 08:38

ponyinmud · 26/02/2023 10:34

Definitely more to this than you know/or are telling us.

Are you generally not very nice? Maybe it's more that people don't warm to you - they obviously like the wife, so maybe the contrast is difficult for them to accept.

Re the daughters, it might just be a case of time. You are very 'new' as a couple, you might not be together for long, so why would they want to meet you?
If my dad was in that position and I was in my 20's I would not be remotely interested in meeting his girlfriends.

Yes I am a horrible person with absolutely no friends nor in sight.

Perhaps if you read my post before suggesting that I am not at all nice then you might have noticed that I am not suggesting that I meet the daughters (because they are adults and it's their choice- if they wanted to meet I would) but it's about not being acknowledged.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 28/02/2023 08:38

CamillasToe · 27/02/2023 02:09

@ponyinmud "are you generally not very nice..?" Really? 🤣

OP your boyfriend needs to resolve these issues. It's not up to daughters or the friends.
I understand him wanting to tread carefully initially but if he's serious about you then he needs to start tackling these things head on.

I know !

Thank you.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 28/02/2023 08:42

Daffodils320 · 25/02/2023 07:20

I find it interesting to read these messages. My exh and I are in a similar position to the one mentioned; separated a while, teenage children, he is in a new relationship with a younger woman.
I admit to finding it really hard to hear information about his new relationship and realised recently that I subconsciously view his gf as the OW (he cheated several times) even though she isn't.
Reading the comments here has made me think about what it might be like on the other side and it has given me food for thought.
I think OP you have said there wasn't cheating involved in your situation? If there was it would explain the reactions - my family want nothing to do with my exh after his behaviour and I admit to feeling resentment that he appears to have "got away with it" despite everything he did. But that's not his gf's fault.
My kids aren't interested in getting to know the new woman because they just find the whole situation uncomfortable and they admit to finding it difficult to hear someone talking about their dad "as if she knows him better than we do". I know the children are older in this situation but I think the older they are the harder it is.
I wish you luck and thank you for making me look at my own situation from the opposite angle.

Thank you for your post. It's really interesting and helpful. I am sorry that you and your family are having to go through this.

I haven't met the daughters, I can understand that they don't want that.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 28/02/2023 08:50

I have thought about this some more and spoken to my bf. He told them he was spending time with me and my name, which is honestly quite a step forward.

One thing that struck me is that he is very much a Disney dad with them, always meeting them at fancy places for lunches and dinners and for the daughters they are probably getting more attention then when they were in the family unit. Whereas they see their mother arranging the food delivery and tidying up the living room, but also taking them out.So frankly they are probably spending more time with each parent in a very focused way. And that must on one level be very cosy for them. If they hear their father is in a new relationship that's quite a reality jolt for them. I agree with the comments here, this is about their dad treating them as adults in a kind sensitive way.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 28/02/2023 09:03

Provenza · 22/02/2023 13:48

Your boyfriend is the problem here. He’ll model to others how to treat you. That’s all. If the dynamic doesn’t change soon - leave, otherwise you’ll waste your time. I speak from personal experience.

I can see that he "models" the behaviour of other people.

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ponyinmud · 28/02/2023 15:19

Op - I was trying to find an explanation to the issue/mystery you posted about.

I was being tongue in cheek, but I appreciate it's not been read like that.

There aren't many possible positive explanations to your predicament, so I'm sorry.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 28/02/2023 16:27

ponyinmud · 28/02/2023 15:19

Op - I was trying to find an explanation to the issue/mystery you posted about.

I was being tongue in cheek, but I appreciate it's not been read like that.

There aren't many possible positive explanations to your predicament, so I'm sorry.

Ah thanks for the explanation, I appreciate your reply.

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Quitelikeit · 28/02/2023 16:53

Nice dinners and fancy restaurants? Like I said they see his money as their money and you are coming along and maybe in their head going to spoil that

is he wealthy?

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 28/02/2023 18:13

Quitelikeit · 28/02/2023 16:53

Nice dinners and fancy restaurants? Like I said they see his money as their money and you are coming along and maybe in their head going to spoil that

is he wealthy?

I would say comfortable and someone who is generous and definitely the provider.

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