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Original poster

Dating a separated man - why am I the other woman?

144 replies

Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:08

Very lovely bf. Dating 8 months. He is in the process of a divorce and has been separated 3 years. His close friends are really nice, mine like him. But...any friends that are mutual to him and his wife literally don't want to hear my name. His daughters in their twenties do not want to know anything about me including my name, and have asked him not to refer any aspect of this part of his life. We met through mutual friends, mine and his who know his wife - won't see us together either. Interestingly it's all the women who seem to umbridge. Just to be clear, this isn't about meeting his children. But I do think that a grown man separated from his wife for this amount of time should be able to say "I am seeing X at the weekend" . It annoys me as he's so nice and so kind to his daughters and sees them all the time but he can't say what he is doing or what makes him happy if I am part of that equation. It makes me feel quite negative towards them when I really don't want to feel like that.

OP posts:
GiveMeStrengthNow · 21/02/2023 17:44

"Bunbuns3 · Today 13:35
Your being unreasonable. Why should his daughters like you? Your nothing more than their Dads latest fancy piece. They have no reason to want to know."

Wow @Bunbuns3 'fancy piece' - you sound like you don't like other women much. Do you know the @Livelifelaughter or are you just projecting your hatred and prejudice on to others? She said he was separated when they met through mutual friends so not involved in the separation at all.

Moser85 · 21/02/2023 18:00

His daughters in their twenties do not want to know anything about me including my name, and have asked him not to refer any aspect of this part of his life.

It's only been 8 months, which isn't a long time if they are struggling with him being with someone new.

But I do think that a grown man separated from his wife for this amount of time should be able to say "I am seeing X at the weekend" . It annoys me as he's so nice and so kind to his daughters and sees them all the time but he can't say what he is doing or what makes him happy if I am part of that equation.

It's a big deal for them but you're also making it into a big deal for you too.
Why do you need him to be able to mention it to his daughters?
A lot of grown men/women wouldn't really mention much about their personal lives to their adult children even if there was no issues!

Tuilpmouse · 21/02/2023 18:00

LadyJ2023 · 21/02/2023 13:48

He can't be your bf he is still married and if that was me I wouldn't go near a married man till he was totally divorced. So if there thinking same sorry I can kindof understand it. Also if someone was with me and not proud enough to say so then neither would I stay

He can't be your bf if he's still married yet separated? What is he then?

This is the 2020s, not 1920s!

Wisenotboring · 21/02/2023 18:09

Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:31

I do love MN and it's Victorian values....

Show quote history

You see, in the nicest possible way this just doesn't sound very nice. There may be those for whom the lack of divorce just doesn't sit very well. It might be very complicating for the wife or others to be dealing with separation and the prospect of divorce with an additional person complicating matters. Also, tbh it sounds like he wasn't the nicest or maybe the circumstances of separation were not good as the grown up daughters don't like you. It is possible that you only have a very one-sided view of things and the reality is not as favourable towards him.

Opentooffers · 21/02/2023 18:22

So having tried dating 2 separated men, who both lived on their own and DC over 18, I would never entertain it again until divorce final and the ink is well dry. It's just a lot of messy baggage all round and not worth it - pretty sure they are both still married too, no divorce on the horizon despite both saying they intended to.
They can still be in the mode of getting together for family occasions leaving you out - such as xmas/ NY/ birthdays, attending weddings together etc. It's being disconnected to a degree, but not independent enough really. Can't be doing with it.

Tuilpmouse · 21/02/2023 18:28

@Wisenotboring

The posts about being Victorian are a response to a poster who had the attitude "I'm not surprised - he's a married man!".... It wasn't a dig at those who might decide only to date people who were divorced rather than simply separated.

Personally, the important thing is that:

  1. the old relationship is well and truly in the past and over, and
  2. the person is emotionally and practically in a position to have a new relationship.

A divorced person doesn't necessarily tick those boxes, whereas a separated person often can.

Tuilpmouse · 21/02/2023 18:36

Also, although there are some good reasons to wait for a divorce to be finalised before getting involved, the flip side is that the good guys (and the can be few and far between over 40!) will tend to get snapped up by women who didn't insisting on waiting!

LolaSmiles · 21/02/2023 18:41

It's not entirely unreasonable for his daughters to not be thrilled about their dad moving on. Feelings aren't always logical and there might be part of them that feels accepting you is somehow disloyal to their mum.

The friends situation is probably because some people have to feel like they've picked a side and show loyalty to the side. In this case, the female friends have picked the wife.

What isn't acceptable is that your boyfriend's response to this is to try having some sort of double life. He really needs to say to his daughters "I respect your feelings about my new relationship. The end of mine and your mother's relationship does not change my love for you and no new partner will change my fatherly love for you. I'm not going to rub your face in it, but I won't pretend I haven't moved on"

If he isn't willing to back you then you're better off cutting your losses.

ArtixLynx · 21/02/2023 18:44

Being in the position of having to wait for the 5years, which came up just as they changed the law, and now unable to afford it, i'm not waiting to get divorced to start anything.

Its silly in this day and age.

PinkTonic · 21/02/2023 18:45

Wisenotboring · 21/02/2023 18:09

You see, in the nicest possible way this just doesn't sound very nice. There may be those for whom the lack of divorce just doesn't sit very well. It might be very complicating for the wife or others to be dealing with separation and the prospect of divorce with an additional person complicating matters. Also, tbh it sounds like he wasn't the nicest or maybe the circumstances of separation were not good as the grown up daughters don't like you. It is possible that you only have a very one-sided view of things and the reality is not as favourable towards him.

Show quote history

It doesn’t sound not nice at all, the comment was in reply to someone telling her he wasn’t free. Given that we are informed that he’s been separated for two years that is rather a old fashioned viewpoint. It sounds like his adult children are behaving poorly and selfishly when they’d be better off helping their mother to move on if the decision is irrevocable.

TedMullins · 21/02/2023 18:52

I’m surprised anyone is defending the friends and daughters. They’re all adults but behaving like they’re in high school! He’s been separated three years. He’s absolutely entitled to get on with his life and date. His friends that are closer to the ex wife aren’t obliged to become your best buddy but it’s not too much to ask for them to be nice in your presence. I honestly thought the idea of friends “taking sides” when a couple of mutual friends split up died when people turned about 16! Unless one of them behaved very badly, then it’s more understandable, but that doesn’t apply here

Wisenotboring · 21/02/2023 19:03

PinkTonic · 21/02/2023 18:45

It doesn’t sound not nice at all, the comment was in reply to someone telling her he wasn’t free. Given that we are informed that he’s been separated for two years that is rather a old fashioned viewpoint. It sounds like his adult children are behaving poorly and selfishly when they’d be better off helping their mother to move on if the decision is irrevocable.

Show quote history

I'm.not saying if it is a right or wrong perspective, just that some people could find it painful and it isn't very nice to just dismiss that. If the relationship is serious I would assume that the OP would want to be on positive relations with his children....even if that takes time. Just dismissing anyone's perspective as victorian doesn't come across well I don't think. Even in the best mutual circumstances separation is difficult, if it is not wanted by another party it can feel hideous. I'm not sure how long it is since the separation has begun but that could also be playing into this if it is relatively recently.

LolaSmiles · 21/02/2023 19:06

TedMullins
I think there's a difference between understanding how they might be feeling and excusing their behaviour.

I understand how they might feel, especially if they're aware of more about the divorce than the OP is, but it's ridiculous for them to dictate how their separated father runs his love life and he should stick up for his girlfriend. To jump to their tune sets an precedent that's hard to come back from.

He can understand their feelings and not rub their faces in it without having to pretend the OP doesn't exist.

lunar1 · 21/02/2023 19:10

Who is telling you all these things?

QueefQueen80s · 21/02/2023 19:22

I was gonna ask if you were younger as that would be grim and their reactions understandable. It sounds like the wife hasn't moved on.

minipie · 21/02/2023 19:35

lunar1 · 21/02/2023 19:10

Who is telling you all these things?

I wondered this. Presumably you’re not seeing the friends and DDs, since they won’t even hear your name said.

So is it DP who is reporting that they all can’t bear even the thought of you? If so, what is he saying to them when they say this? Does he have an explanation for their behaviour ? And are you sure it’s true…?

bumpytrumpy · 21/02/2023 20:09

threeplusmum · 21/02/2023 12:13

Not worth the aggro his kids will always come first and I don't see them 'accepting' you anytime soon.

This.

Unusual for friends and family to care enough to not accept a new partner. Most of the time people move on and accept a new person for an easy life. The fact that they haven't should tell you there is more than meets the eye about the separation

bumpytrumpy · 21/02/2023 20:10

LexMitior · 21/02/2023 13:01

Why is his divorce not finished? Two years is a very long time.

You are playing with fire. If the family and friends do not want to speak to you then there is something you don't know. That don't know is definitely to do with the split and how your partner has acted. You are a proxy for that.

Yep basically this says it better than I did

iamenough2023 · 21/02/2023 21:11

OP, I am in the exact situation as your bf (still wondering if you are maybe dating my ex 🤔), separated for almost two years, divorce still in process, ex and I living separately for year and a half, have adult children. I was the one who initiated separation and immediately noticed a change in some of our friend’s behavior. At least one has not met with me in all this time and I have a feeling he will not and it is fine with me. I do not want a relationship at the moment, but if I did I would not want my kids to meet the person, not for a while anyway and would not in any case, forced them to meet him. I can see how my kids would be uncomfortable to meet/hang out with either my potential bf or their dads gf, especially now since we are not yet divorced, but also later.

The thing is it is all about choices, rights and boundaries. You have a choice to stay in this relationship or not. The kids and family have right to meet/like you or not and everyone has right to insert boundaries anywhere they want them to be. No reason to feel upset and hurt about it as it most likely has nothing to do with you, but with their own feelings of discomfort with the whole situation.

And btw while two years seems like a long time for some people (some start dating right after the split), for a lot of us it does not. To me it feels like yesterday that I split with my ex. We were together for over twenty-five years, so a long time, and I gather it will take me a long time to really feel free, unattached and comfortable to date. Everyone is different. Also you have not mentioned the circumstances of their divorce as this may play the part too. Good luck OP.

Feefee00 · 21/02/2023 22:51

I think adult DC can be more difficult about new partners than children! Adults are more set in their ways and dislike the status quo changing. They will come round.

mumyes · 21/02/2023 22:56

There is clearly a lot -a lot!! - of bad feeling here for some reason. That, to me, implies at the very least that things have been handled badly by you P. If it were just a couple of people, I'd blame them, but all of the mutual friends having an issue implies more to the story than you might know.

Sadly, on your other point, I find that women are very quick to take sides against other women. Particularly when they have no financial independence / career, and effectively the patriarchy keeps them.

Jinglejanglejungle · 21/02/2023 23:03

It’s jealousy OP, as a previous poster suggested. And it may be that you are over interpreting others feelings; some may not want to meet you but most are probably ambivalent. Forget about what others think and concentrate on the relationship itself. If it is the right one, things will settle down in time. Oh and on these threads you invariably get a very biased view I.e most of the posts above. Good luck! Love is great!

cheshirebloke · 21/02/2023 23:45

It's likely the STB ex wife still harbours a lot of resentment around their split and projects that upon her friends and family, so they feel obliged to hold her loyalty. It's also quite possible that she had aspirations of reconciliation (regardless of how unlikely that ever was) before he had met someone else and in her mind him starting another relationship was the psychological door closing on any hope of that. She could even have been telling her friends that was on the cards throughout their separation, and that's why they see you as the relationship 'killer'.

I've been split from my ex for 8 years (and we weren't married) and she's had many short relationships and been married twice since, yet she still can't handle the idea of me being in another relationship.

And my current dp of 4 years (who my ex still bitches and cusses about) has been separated from her husband for 7 years, but is still married - they're both too stubborn to initiate divorce proceedings. But no one judges our relationship in a negative way because of it.

Tuilpmouse · 22/02/2023 06:52

I've been split from my ex for 8 years (and we weren't married) and she's had many short relationships and been married twice since, yet she still can't handle the idea of me being in another relationship.

Married twice and had many short term relationships in the 8 years since you split... Wow, she's been busy! 😮

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 22/02/2023 07:14

Sounds like she got custody of the friends in the split. It happens.