Dating a separated man - why am I the other woman?

[Livelifelaughter]

Very lovely bf. Dating 8 months. He is in the process of a divorce and has been separated 3 years. His close friends are really nice, mine like him. But...any friends that are mutual to him and his wife literally don't want to hear my name. His daughters in their twenties do not want to know anything about me including my name, and have asked him not to refer any aspect of this part of his life. We met through mutual friends, mine and his who know his wife - won't see us together either. Interestingly it's all the women who seem to umbridge. Just to be clear, this isn't about meeting his children. But I do think that a grown man separated from his wife for this amount of time should be able to say "I am seeing X at the weekend" . It annoys me as he's so nice and so kind to his daughters and sees them all the time but he can't say what he is doing or what makes him happy if I am part of that equation. It makes me feel quite negative towards them when I really don't want to feel like that.

You're taking this at face value. I wonder if something else is going on to explain this

Why is his divorce not finished? Two years is a very long time.

You are playing with fire. If the family and friends do not want to speak to you then there is something you don't know. That don't know is definitely to do with the split and how your partner has acted. You are a proxy for that.

I met my now DH when he had separted and was living in his own place, My now deceased MIL hated me before she had even met me and said no one would ever be as good as his wife, despite the reasons for their split.
I get along fine with my stepchildren and have a very good relationship with ex wife, I actually like her.

Not after three years, you can’t protect her feelings forever.

Where are you hearing all this from?

It seems from your OP that you’ve met his close friends and he’s met yours.

Who is telling you all this crap about mutual friends and hos daughters? Him? Something doesn’t add up here.

I couldn't be that far down someone's priorities.
If his friends and family are acting this way to you why is he still in contact with them?

It's one thing his adult children not wanting to know due to loyalty to their mother, but it's really odd that any mutual friends are refusing to know. I assume it's your DP telling you that?

You are only 8 months in so go slowly. I'm not sure this adds up. I mean consider it logically - why would absolutely everyone who is in any way still connected to the wife just flat out refuse to meet you? Either your DP isn't telling you the truth about something (be it he's cheated, 'working things out' with the ex, keeping you away from some other type of secret he doesn't want you to know) or it is the ex's influence in which case I'd get out now because this relationship is going to be painfully hard work.

Oh grow up. Living apart for two years. They are separated well and truly. Do you have some weird religious thing going on?

Your being unreasonable. Why should his daughters like you? Your nothing more than their Dads latest fancy piece. They have no reason to want to know.

Yes. I think it's a male female split. The mutual friends who are male don't care but the female ones do care...I suspect if the wife was seeing someone they would feel differently.

Don't be absurd!

Always can tell the women on here who are anxious in their own marriages...you have no idea about what I look like, my age or anything else. But thanks for the compliment on at least being fancy.

Well don't get your hopes up. Both the statements about him being a married man to some and a fancy piece are probably things people will think. They will never say them but if they are not talking to you, they may well be thinking it and acting accordingly.

OP, it does not sound as though his daughters or his friends are trying to rain on your parade. None seem to be suggesting that he leave you or end his relationship with you. They are not trying to deny him whatever happiness that he has found with you.

They are indicating that they do not wish to be involved in that relationship. They are asking him to compartmentalize his life and not mention you when he is with them. Many people are able to compartmentalize their lives for various reasons.

Just as you have a right to have a relationship with this man so too do his daughters and friends have the right to determine the manner and nature of their interactions with him.

If your partner is unable or unwilling to compartmentalize his relationships, then he will at some point have to make a decision. Again, it does not seem that anyone is trying to deny him his new found happiness ; instead, it seems as though they are just setting up parameters around their interactions with him.

Enjoy your time with him, and allow his daughters to enjoy their time with him. This can easily be a case of the twain that never needs to meet.

He can't be your bf he is still married and if that was me I wouldn't go near a married man till he was totally divorced. So if there thinking same sorry I can kindof understand it. Also if someone was with me and not proud enough to say so then neither would I stay

I would call it off OP. If you're having this amount of crap at the start of a relationship, it wouldn't be worth it for me. They're treating you like the other woman, and as long as he's married, you are.

They won't suddenly change when the divorce comes through either, I suppose it's your decision, is this enough for you.

From someone who has watched my Gran in this position for the last near 30 years, tread very very carefully.

It has been awful for her, he either needs to have an adult conversation with his adult children and tell them you are part of his life and they need to respect that or you need to end it now IMO.

My Gran has had a hell of a time being excluded from a huge range of events and big life moments and it is hurt her no end and made certain periods of her life very complex. It's also in stark contrast to her side who have welcomed him with open arms. It really makes me sad to think about.

She is now in her 80s and trust me, its no better. He has declining health and she lives in fear of what may happen when one of them dies despite there being ironclad wills in place. She knows she's going to have to fight her corner to keep her home and deal with their joint possessions if he goes first. If she does, she worries what we will have to deal with. She has already given away all her family photos etc incase they decide to chuck her stuff away.

They had her marked as a gold digger from day 1 despite her having alot more money than him.

Life events such a great grandchildren on our side have been happy events for them both, on her side she's always been left out and it has always hurt her because she loves her partner and can't share any of the joy in these things with him.

I do love him but I wish he'd grown a pair a long time ago and set his family straight.

My bf is still married, although separated and living apart for over two years - no real intentions to divorce. And yet his family and children have been very friendly to me.

His ex still doesn't really like the idea he's moved on though 🤦‍♀️

I do agree with you to some extent but actually I do feel his daughters are raining on our parade. It's the disapproval. Also, these aren't distant daughters that he speaks to once a week, he meets them for lunch every week and they are constantly phoning him. I actually think sometimes it's to prevent him seeing me, perhaps that's going too far but I think one of them asking him to go to a valentine's lunch with her boyfriend was just to make things difficult...

I am the wife in your situation and this sounds absurd. I am still single, my (ex)H is happy with his partner, I am very pleased for them -- she is a lovely lady :)

I don't understand why your partner is enabling this behaviour from them.

I dated a separated man once. I think it's a thing for the first relationship after a divorce. Everyone always wants to hate/blame/attack the lady. Oddly enough the ex wife was actually lovely and thoughtful. It was the family that ended the relationship 😂 his family gave him an ultimatum stay with me or be cut out from the family and they would also cut out his children. Weirdly though it was him who was cheated on and they still loved the ex??? People are strange.

As for the children, I find older children find it harder for parents to divorce and move on. Younger children seem to be quite accepting and adaptable with change if given support, love and attention. I had a friend who is 30 when parents split and oh my, did she get nasty towards her family. She automatically hated her parents new partners and would call them rude names and swear words even when she hadn't even met them 😬

@Livelifelaughter
Not wanting to see or hear about you is not necessarily an indicator that they disapprove of the relationship. It may just be that they have no desire to become involved in their still married father's love life. Inviting their father to Valentine's lunch with a boyfriend could well be something that they have done in the past ,and their father was free to say yes or no.

It is unreasonable to expect them to change their behavior to accommodate their father 's new relationship about which they choose to remain blind. Instead, it is up to their father to say that he is available or unavailable on Valentine's Day.

It is quite possible that they view their dad as a still married man. Consider, that they may be having what could be the calmest relationship ever with their parents in this limbo status . Their parents are living apart and not arguing. Neither parent may be suffering any financial hardship; all of the family resources remain intact, and mom and dad are living peaceful separate lives while their marriage is still in place. By not involving themselves in their parents love
lives , they can have their relationship with their parents remain essentially untouched.

This limbo status may be so comfortable for all of them that they have felt no urgency to move the divorce forward with any deliberate speed.

Your partner has been able to move his love life forward without having to split or share his assets. His ex may have an equally comfortable situation . The children have their relationships with the parents untouched by information or involvement in their parents' new relationships.

This limbo state is a win win for all with the exception of new romantic partners who envision their relationships moving to some new stage. It is quite possible that the new relationships have arrived at the intended destination.

If this destination is not your destination of choice, you might want to consider ending this relationship and seeking a legally free partner who comes without so much baggage.

There must be some reason his friends and family feel this way.

Maybe it’s that they don’t like the way your DP treated his ex at some point, maybe they know that your relationship even existing is hurting his ex and they still like her and feel some loyalty towards her. Maybe the way your partner has talked about you to them gives them a reason to not want to get to know you. Tbf, they aren’t obliged to be your friend. They can be friends with your boyfriend without being friends with you. It can’t be about you personally if they don’t know you, but numerous people don’t have the same opinion on one thing for no reason.

Saying that his daughters are ‘raining on your parade’ comes across a bit pathetic tbh. You don’t have a parade, and you don’t have any right to be judgemental about his daughters or the way they behave in their relationship with their father. You just have to accept it and support it.

good grief, exh and i have been separated for 6 years, living apart for that long, and still not divorced as neither of us can bloody afford it.

I wish he would meet someone else, he's a miserable bastard. Honestly, as long as they were nice to the kids i wouldn't give a stuff who he was dating and i'd be perfectly polite, and expect the Kids to be as well. (Both teenagers)

His ex and family/friends are being ridiculous.. you can bet his Ex is probably behind most of the hostility.

You're mad for involving yourself with a man who's still married, first of all. It's a terrible idea all the way round, whether you're the other woman or not. He is simply not in a position to move forward in so many ways. Secondly, is this relationship really worth it? You really want all of this drama, bullshit, and baggage in your life? Your relationship hs barely begun and you are already enemy #1, and that's not going to change. Imagine what a nightmare things will be with his adult children who have already decided they hate you. Hard pass.