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Original poster

Dating a separated man - why am I the other woman?

144 replies

Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:08

Very lovely bf. Dating 8 months. He is in the process of a divorce and has been separated 3 years. His close friends are really nice, mine like him. But...any friends that are mutual to him and his wife literally don't want to hear my name. His daughters in their twenties do not want to know anything about me including my name, and have asked him not to refer any aspect of this part of his life. We met through mutual friends, mine and his who know his wife - won't see us together either. Interestingly it's all the women who seem to umbridge. Just to be clear, this isn't about meeting his children. But I do think that a grown man separated from his wife for this amount of time should be able to say "I am seeing X at the weekend" . It annoys me as he's so nice and so kind to his daughters and sees them all the time but he can't say what he is doing or what makes him happy if I am part of that equation. It makes me feel quite negative towards them when I really don't want to feel like that.

OP posts:
Fedupandsad · 21/02/2023 16:03

I’ve been married to my husband 3 years . Have children . Own a house .
His parents still holiday with his ex and their grandchildren ( husbands children )
Any events , his ex is invited.

Husband and her constantly have to chat / meet about teenage children.

Im not saying these things are wrong but I feel like the other woman even though I’m married !!!!!?

Fedupandsad · 21/02/2023 16:03

My advice to you . WALK away ! Too much hassle !!!!!!!

MumOf2workOptions · 21/02/2023 16:07

Duckingella · 21/02/2023 12:10

He might be lovely but I'd reconsider a relationship with a man where his friends and family refused to accept me through no fault of my own.

Has the ex moved on?;has she had difficulty accepting it's over?

Yes you can't have him leading a double life
If he's not prepared to have your back and openly discuss seeing you etc and his kids are problematic I'd end it personally
Life is too short

Chat2224 · 21/02/2023 16:08

Fuck ‘em all - get on with enjoying your lovely relationship and keep everything crossed for his kids coming round to the idea of Dad having a new partner but for the rest of it - fuck ‘em!

ImSorryThatWasJustANoise · 21/02/2023 16:12

If she is still devastated they split or if he treated her badly then I can understand why there may be some resentment.

If he didn't then I think it is all very selfish of the other people.

Both my DH and his ex moved on before they were divorced and 20 years later both are still with the same person.

Eleganz · 21/02/2023 16:13

Interesting people asking why it is taking so long for him to get divorced. The law only changed last year so he may well have been going through the 2 year separation requirement prior to that and then into the big backlogs that are going on. I bet a lot of divorcing couples are in a similar situation.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 16:26

MelchiorsMistress · 21/02/2023 15:53

There must be some reason his friends and family feel this way.

Maybe it’s that they don’t like the way your DP treated his ex at some point, maybe they know that your relationship even existing is hurting his ex and they still like her and feel some loyalty towards her. Maybe the way your partner has talked about you to them gives them a reason to not want to get to know you. Tbf, they aren’t obliged to be your friend. They can be friends with your boyfriend without being friends with you. It can’t be about you personally if they don’t know you, but numerous people don’t have the same opinion on one thing for no reason.

Saying that his daughters are ‘raining on your parade’ comes across a bit pathetic tbh. You don’t have a parade, and you don’t have any right to be judgemental about his daughters or the way they behave in their relationship with their father. You just have to accept it and support it.

I was quoting another poster by saying "raining on my parade" it's not pathetic. These are adults, they are old enough to hold professional jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 16:26

Eleganz · 21/02/2023 16:13

Interesting people asking why it is taking so long for him to get divorced. The law only changed last year so he may well have been going through the 2 year separation requirement prior to that and then into the big backlogs that are going on. I bet a lot of divorcing couples are in a similar situation.

Spot on.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 21/02/2023 16:29

If this man has the two separation requirement then the divorce has barely started and one party does not want it to happen.

That would explain a fair bit about the family and friends attitude.

Gensola · 21/02/2023 16:32

Two years is not a long time for a divorce to happen - mine took 18 months and we had no property or kids to sort. The courts are absolutely swamped and it takes weeks or months for each stage.

MissConductUS · 21/02/2023 16:35

Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 12:31

I do love MN and it's Victorian values....

Show quote history

Me too. I wonder if blokes here have to walk backward here when leaving a room so that no one sees their backsides.

JenniferWooley · 21/02/2023 16:36

Viviennemary · 21/02/2023 12:25

The point is he is still a married man. Not surprised his family don't approve. Why don't you find somebody who is free.

ODFOD

I was legally separated for 5 years before I even bothered filing for divorce was I supposed to live as a nun during that time??

OP people can be weird about this stuff but I'd probably be reconsidering the relationship if it's as bad as you say because really what future is there for you.

Milky4 · 21/02/2023 16:42

I can understand the daughters struggling to deal with their Dad moving on - although comes across as co-dependent for adult daughters.

The friends though....that feels funny. Is there anyone you can ask directly? What has he done to address this? If they are mutual friends, has he not asked any of them why they are taking such a strong stand, and why they don't want him to move on?

perfectcolourfound · 21/02/2023 16:47

You're doing nothing wrong. There's no good reason why separated people shouldn't start a new relationship. (Obvs you consider the ex's feelings if it was a difficult split or very recent, and obvs you look after your own feelings and take care not to get in to a new r'ship before you're ready).

But in this case - he was well and truly separated. You didn't cause the split. His family and friends have no reason to dislike you. Unfortunately people don't need a reason to dislike someone though... and sometimes people can be childish and selfish.

I've seen the grown up children of friends really take against a new bf / gf despite their parents splitting up a few years ago. They can't vocalise what their objections are, and it's not possible to see a 'good' reason from the outside (their parents are never getting back together, the new partner wasn't the cause of the split). There appears to be some resentment that mum is spending time with another man, but it isn't time they would have spent with her.

I'm rambling, but what I want to say is - if your relationship is good, and if your bf understands how difficult this is for you, stick with it. His f&f may come around, and even if they don't, do you want to give up on something good because of them? If however he doesn't get it, if you think there's risk you'd have a lifetime of this... I think I'd walk.

MelchiorsMistress · 21/02/2023 16:50

I was quoting another poster by saying "raining on my parade" it's not pathetic. These are adults, they are old enough to hold professional jobs.

More understandable if you used that phrase after a quote, but really, it does sound pathetic. To me it came across as if you have this shiny new happy relationship and you expect everyone else to be happy about it too, no matter if other people are hurting as a result of it.

Adults with professional jobs are still allowed to have feelings, especially if they can see their mother has been hurt by this. Fact is, they don’t need you and there’s no reason they should want you in their lives. They can continue their relationship with their Dad as it is and there’s no real reason that should be a problem.They are old enough to make that choice, unlike children who have to suck it up when their parents get into relationships.

If it annoys you when your dp tells you what his daughters have said, ask him not to tell you because knowing doesn’t do you any good. Just like hearing about their dads new girlfriend doesn’t do them any good so they made the sensible choice to put it out of their minds.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 21/02/2023 16:50

perfectcolourfound · 21/02/2023 16:47

You're doing nothing wrong. There's no good reason why separated people shouldn't start a new relationship. (Obvs you consider the ex's feelings if it was a difficult split or very recent, and obvs you look after your own feelings and take care not to get in to a new r'ship before you're ready).

But in this case - he was well and truly separated. You didn't cause the split. His family and friends have no reason to dislike you. Unfortunately people don't need a reason to dislike someone though... and sometimes people can be childish and selfish.

I've seen the grown up children of friends really take against a new bf / gf despite their parents splitting up a few years ago. They can't vocalise what their objections are, and it's not possible to see a 'good' reason from the outside (their parents are never getting back together, the new partner wasn't the cause of the split). There appears to be some resentment that mum is spending time with another man, but it isn't time they would have spent with her.

I'm rambling, but what I want to say is - if your relationship is good, and if your bf understands how difficult this is for you, stick with it. His f&f may come around, and even if they don't, do you want to give up on something good because of them? If however he doesn't get it, if you think there's risk you'd have a lifetime of this... I think I'd walk.

Yeah I agree. Feelings aren't based on logic or objectivity.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 21/02/2023 17:07

Is he making moves to get divorced? Are you sure he was on a break?

Eleganz · 21/02/2023 17:09

LexMitior · 21/02/2023 16:29

If this man has the two separation requirement then the divorce has barely started and one party does not want it to happen.

That would explain a fair bit about the family and friends attitude.

Not true. Before the law changed last year a 2 year separation was required if both parties consent but there are no other valid grounds (adultery, unreasonable behaviour or desertion). If one party did not consent then it would have been 5 years.

flutterbyebaby · 21/02/2023 17:10

Ignore me, should have engaged my brain before commenting

Siameasy · 21/02/2023 17:11

These are adults - goodness they need to grow up. I’ve know children to behave better. I’m not sure it’s worth the hassle. The fact that he’s allowing this behaviour as well is odd. Does he feel guilty about something or is the ex-wife really controlling?

IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 21/02/2023 17:16

What do you know about how the divorce proceedings are going and what any remaining bones of contention are between him and his ex that are stopping the divorce finalising? I suspect there may be resent on the side of the ex due to whatever issues remain unresolved.

Neveragain85 · 21/02/2023 17:18

The thing is there's so much about dating someone new & meeting their family that you don't know, you only know what you've been told. I met someone 4 years separated, ex chatted to me once then stared at me afterwards, never spoke to me again. His kids & mum never really engaged with me or were interested in getting to know me at all. Later found out he was cheating on me the whole time. I don't know if they were weird with me as they knew, I believe his kids knew, but anyway I guess they treated me as he did, like shit. I would proceed with caution

WiltingLobelia · 21/02/2023 17:27

Duckingella · 21/02/2023 12:10

He might be lovely but I'd reconsider a relationship with a man where his friends and family refused to accept me through no fault of my own.

Has the ex moved on?;has she had difficulty accepting it's over?

My relationship was/ is like this.

DH had been separated 2 years and had the nisi when we started dating.

People would not acknowledge me or talk to me. Invite him to things not me.

20 years later and most have 'come round' (He was only married 5 years also- no children, so we have been together 4 times longer ffs). Some have not. (Exacerbated by the fact his ex continues to lie that he had run off with me and there is a bit of an age difference).

I don't recommend it generally. It's an awful way to live.

I have no regrets but it is tiring and sometimes when I am feeling a bit fragile (such as when DH was invited to his godchild's confirmation and I was not... 4 years ago, so we had been married 15 odd years at that point) it gets right on my tits.

So, sympathy OP.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2023 17:30

There is some vital element to this situation that somebody is keeping from you, OP.

Feefee00 · 21/02/2023 17:38

After a divorce most people pick one of the couple to keep socialising with. So yes they will be loyal to a friend over many years over you a new partner.

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