DH messaged OW. Can't decide whether to say I have crossed lines too.

[daughterof]

My DH and i have been together 15 years with young children, we have a business together and other ties.

He works away as part of our family business. He lets me use his phone freely. When I used it, there was a message in the scroll down bit. He had been messaging a woman about chipping in for renting a flat for an adult party and other things. No sexting, no pic exchange, but asking her about the event which had been cancelled amongtst othet things, saying he was planning to go. I have never had reason to think he has cheated on me before and he is the last man I would expect too. We have had very rocky times but solid for a while now and I love him.

He deleted the chat platform on his own volition and I have sneaked a look at his phone, he doesn't have anything in other chat platforms or the woman as a contact. We have an ongoing stressful situation and he said he is not thinking straight and just sent messages as one off. I messaged the woman, she confirmed no meeting and sent me copy of conversation history too, there are barely any messages.

I don't know how I feel moving forward. We have talked lots and he is very sad and ashamed. My gut feeling is I don't know how but i want the marriage to work. But I am worried as he has the opportunity if he wants to.

But. Last year across a few months, I formed an connection with a man. Nothing ever happened, no physical contact, no dates, no sexting, no pics. We happened to meet at a hobby I do and we fancied each other, we swapped no's and we sent friendly brief texts sometimes. He became frustrated I wouldn't have an affair with him but i said no as we were both married with children and even though things rocky with DH at thag point, I just couldn't do that to him/our family. He no longer attends the hobvy and we haven't messaged for months.

Now I know what DH has done, I feel so guilty and want to tell him what i did. But I am scared it will push him into pursuing another woman.

And you've just demonstrated my post above yours.

Cancelling out/scoring/giving passes is a fallacy.

Yeah, course she wouldn't! 🙄

Nope she wasn't - that's why she didn't.

Abd married men who can probably only charm one woman into a possible affair at a time are going to be way less riddled with stds than sex workers doing men back to back or fucking them in cars.

She didn't. End of story.

Neither did her husband.

@AdamRyan I'm not minimising - I'm just not agreeing with you that he must have had sex because he's been on a group chat. I'm saying that what OP describes is consistent with remaining anonymous in online interactions. And neither I or you can say with any certainty that any more has happened, or that anonymous chat is not a widespread phenomenon. That isn't minimising either.
I find the thought of dogging sites distasteful - but again, it's not prostitution - and you can't make them synonymous- even if a woman there is also a prostitute.
I've also said none of it is OK - and both have placed their marriage in jeopardy by the actions we DO know. Making up other even more disgusting things you can think of is pretty grim, and my not joining in is not 'invested in minimising' what we DO know of DH's online interaction.

just not agreeing with you that he must have had sex because he's been on a group chat.

I didn't say he must have had sex.

And you are minimising the "group chat".

The chat was specifically about arranging a paid sex event. It wasn't a chat that organically developed that way.

The woman hosting the chat was a prostitute and OPs husband clearly signalled his intent to be involved and pay.

The idea men participate in these chats for thrills is a script that punters have developed to try to sow doubt when they get caught.

I cannot think of one thing OP has written that makes me think he hasn't used prostitutes. The only thing that suggests he hasn't is he says he hasn't. But he lies.

Holy fuck, a psychic on Mumsnet.

Can you tell us when the world will end.

How about the next lottery winning numbers.

Are you living off the proceeds of your psychic ability, sipping mai Tai's in Bora Bora .... No?

I'm saying that what OP describes is consistent with remaining anonymous in online interactions.

No, it's not

He's asking where that prostitute does dogging.

The idea men participate in these chats for thrills is a script that punters have developed to try to sow doubt when they get caught.

Yep, seen it a hundred times on here.

Abd the "lastan who would ever cheat" is often cheating too.

*last man who would ever cheat

@TicketBoo23 #@AdamRyan I think you're conflating websites used by the customers of prostitutes ...with the rest of the Internet.

It may surprise you to know that there is a whole world of online sexual chat, chatting on online dating sites and chat boards, which don't extend to meeting in real life, in which people remain generally anonymous. And yes - people can just enjoy a purely virtual exchange. It's another place where infidelity starts.

Whatever your feelings about that - you cannot say with certainty that in addition to online interaction, OP's DH has had physical sex with someone else - for much the same reasons as why you don't have next week's lottery numbers either.
OP has shared that she thinks it is more likely he hasn't. I'm inclined to agree with her - and I am allowed to do that. OP has been entirely considered and thoughtful in her posts, but hasn't discounted the possibility. Neither do I. I'm just adding my perspective that what she has shared sounds like reaching to anonymous online activity rather than real life behaviour. We don't know where it might have led - but we cannot say it has gone so much further.

Making up what 'he's probably doing' - is far from obvious based on the information. You could be right - but you could be very wrong. I'm just pointing out that your assumptions don't necessarily add up, I'm not being ridiculous, and your forceful accusations might be less helpful than you imagine.
What they both deserve is truth - and they can only get that from each other!

Perhaps OP - if you were willing to confess your involvement with OM - you might get the full truth from your DH - and see where you are?

I think seeking out people online for sex chat is cheating. In any case its damaging to his marriage.

I haven't made any "forceful accusations".

You are minimising his infidelity, I don't know why.

What they both deserve is truth - and they can only get that from each other!

How very naive to assume that any cheater tells the truth.

Even if you haven't experienced it IRL, you've been in this site for a while; yet haven't noticed that cheaters lie, gas light and minimise at an Olympic level. Sometimes women on here don't even find out theie exes were cheating til years later, sometimes they probably never find out.

So .. op confesses her emotional affair, and her h convenient confesses anything he's been up to; nice plan in theory, in practice .... 🤔

It may surprise you to know that there is a whole world of online sexual chat, chatting on online dating sites and chat boards, which don't extend to meeting in real life, in which people remain generally anonymous.

How patronising lol.

We're adults, and MN posters to boot, so we're well aware.

A. I agree with Adam that's it cheating.
B. I don't agree he's only "chatting" about sex online. He felt the need to ask where the prostitute does her dogging.

Also people on swinging sites would probably get fucked off with you and drop out of chat if you only ever wanted to chat.

I think you're conflating websites used by the customers of prostitutes ...with the rest of the Internet.

Nope.

The rest of the internet has other sites ... Like swinging and dogging ... Where people also find opportunities for no strings sex (if they're attached, cheating).

Those sites also tend to cross over into prostitution because the supply of women in the no strings sex scene is limited and generally much lower than men.

That is perfectly illustrated by ops husband apparently seeking out dogging sites/forums and ending up in communication with a woman who had identified herself as a prostitute.

Also people on swinging sites would probably get fucked off with you and drop out of chat if you only ever wanted to chat.

Exactly.

I always think this on sex workers threads too. Like someone who is selling sex has time or inclination to deal with a time waster getting their rocks off by "chatting". I'm sure you quickly get very good at getting shot of those people in that line of work.

It's also worth pointing out that people who are into swinging and "orgies" are generally so into them that - unless it's a giant meeting - they will host them in their own home and happily throw in a few drinks and snacks. Likewise condoms are not crazy expensive and you can get them for free from some places. People who are that into group sex etc will generally find a way and be highly motivated to do so.

This is a relatively small "meeting" yet this woman - who happens to be a prostitute - feels she must rent accommodation and is charging at least 50 quid a head.

Yes, it's an aside but it's clear from UK punting that prostitutes discuss only a day, time and time period. Their services are on their profiles. Often it's not even the prostitute, it's a booker or pimp.

If they tolerated one ounce of sex chat they'd waste their lives as unpaid text sex workers ... They don't. So the lies men caught messaging them tell; also don't hang together.

Found profile online he is very into kinks he hasn't expressed . So surreal. Looks to be solo exploration but absolutely floored.

I'm sorry

Sorry daughterof.

This seems to happen a lot when posters on here find something initially and then delve.

Sorry to hear that, OP. I did wonder why he was describing himself as disgusting. Sounds like he has (at the least) thoughts he is ashamed of. Makes you wonder what his childhood might have been like.

I doubt his childhood has anything to do with his sexual kinks. More likely he's been watching too much porn.

Thinking that you are disgusting often has a lot to do with your childhood.