DH messaged OW. Can't decide whether to say I have crossed lines too.

[daughterof]

My DH and i have been together 15 years with young children, we have a business together and other ties.

He works away as part of our family business. He lets me use his phone freely. When I used it, there was a message in the scroll down bit. He had been messaging a woman about chipping in for renting a flat for an adult party and other things. No sexting, no pic exchange, but asking her about the event which had been cancelled amongtst othet things, saying he was planning to go. I have never had reason to think he has cheated on me before and he is the last man I would expect too. We have had very rocky times but solid for a while now and I love him.

He deleted the chat platform on his own volition and I have sneaked a look at his phone, he doesn't have anything in other chat platforms or the woman as a contact. We have an ongoing stressful situation and he said he is not thinking straight and just sent messages as one off. I messaged the woman, she confirmed no meeting and sent me copy of conversation history too, there are barely any messages.

I don't know how I feel moving forward. We have talked lots and he is very sad and ashamed. My gut feeling is I don't know how but i want the marriage to work. But I am worried as he has the opportunity if he wants to.

But. Last year across a few months, I formed an connection with a man. Nothing ever happened, no physical contact, no dates, no sexting, no pics. We happened to meet at a hobby I do and we fancied each other, we swapped no's and we sent friendly brief texts sometimes. He became frustrated I wouldn't have an affair with him but i said no as we were both married with children and even though things rocky with DH at thag point, I just couldn't do that to him/our family. He no longer attends the hobvy and we haven't messaged for months.

Now I know what DH has done, I feel so guilty and want to tell him what i did. But I am scared it will push him into pursuing another woman.

I think you'd make the situation a whole lot more difficult if you told him. He could even be tempted to pack his job in at a time when you clearly need the money.
I only see that it would do more harm than good.
2 reasons to tell are if he had a good chance of finding out, or if it was ongoing and therefore affecting your behaviour towards him - neither of which apply.
His is a different situation, he sought out sexual gratification elsewhere when things were good between you, so you know now good times won't stop him. You were at a low point and happened across him rather than seeking it out, and stopped it before anything physical happened.
2 wrongs don't make a right and your reasons for it are not the same as his.
I feel you have enough to sort out and work on without unnecessarily adding to it. Coming clean will actually make both of you feel worse about something that never happened.
Perhaps it's easier to forgive him, you both didn't do things at the end of the day. He does appear remorseful about it which helps. Just keep an eye out for any repeat, hopefully he's learnt his lesson, as you have.

Op I think it might be wise to get some advice from people in that community.

These events are well organised and generally unverified single men are not welcome. It’s not a free for all for any random perv who fancies his luck.

Can you imagine how many men would try to attend these events? Sorry op, I think there’s more to this story and that he is known in that community. Why would she invite a random man off line?

I agree with opentooffers.

The two scenarios are very different.

@Ghostbuster2639 he said he searched dogging, the woman runs a dogging thread, she advertised the gangbang on there.

I messaged the woman, she said the same he has said, that he joined her dogging thing and then accessed invite from there.

The woman is a prostitute too but seems to also meet with men at a dogging spot. the gangbang was not her being a prostitute but asking intersted men to chip in to cover costs... to me it looks like touting for business. Before he deleted the app , i Looked at the womans page on discord she doesnt mention ebing a prostitute. Annoyingly, the gangabng chat was deleted by her as she cancelled it, sk I have no diea what he had said on that chat thread. He said he didn't know she was a prostitute. She references it in messages to him, saying she had cancelled as men were complaining cost was too steep and saying they wouldnt fund her prostitution, she says lol I charge way more than that for my services.

Sorry typos

I feel like this has hit me todsy now hes gone away again. Unfortunately I slpet with him before he left. It's fine I can compartmentalise sex , as I wanted to, from love/ the marrriage but kicking myself as he doesn't deserve it right now

@Ghostbuster2639 please can you suggest where to get advice? Joined sicord to look for msyelf and have no idea how it works. But thjngs dont come up by searching which is making me really sus3of what he has said about just typing it in

I feel you have enough to sort out and work on without unnecessarily adding to it. Coming clean will actually make both of you feel worse about something that never happened. Perhaps it's easier to forgive him, you both didn't do things at the end of the day. He does appear remorseful about it which helps.

I strongly agree. There’s no point telling him about your hobby friend. I hope DH has realised what he risks losing and stopped sending stupid messages.

He said he didn't know she was a prostitute. She references it in messages to him, saying she had cancelled as men were complaining cost was too steep and saying they wouldnt fund her prostitution, she says lol I charge way more than that for my services.

So he's lying/playing dumb about that.

This doesn't actually sound like a swingers type thing - it sounds more like prostitution.

I don't know what to think. In their chat he also asks her if she goes dogging and asks if she goes to a certain place, an hour from where he works.

All the men were outting in 50 quid each and she had booked, or was booking, accomodation and providing food,drink, condoms

He clearly hasn't ever mentioned dogging to you so he was planning on/looking into dogging on his own.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, when the dogging organiser turned out to be a sex worker (what a shock, how many women truly willingly have casual sex with strangers for free?) and was pitching some kind of gang bang/orgy that he'd had to pay towards. (probably not enough (or any) women willing to participate for free so she's probably paying vulnerable women out of it as well as for the venue)) ..... Instead of backing away quickly (or not looking into the invite in the first place) he was discussing participating in this & paying.

I think he knows she's a sex worker, I think he knows the likelihood of some or all of the women at the "gang bang" being sex workers is quite high ..... I think he's gas lighting you about his understanding here, and the fact that he was willing to start getting involved in the sex industry.

Like I said, great use of your family funds when you're struggling with debts.

This is sounding worse and worse with more info.

So he wasn't just chatting on some kind group with the organiser about the possibility of joining an "orgy" ..... He was looking on dogging sites avd actually asking a woman who does it when and where he could find her.

Prechildren I told him dogging was a fantasy of mine but we never did it @TicketBoo23

I am getting worried and suspicious now as I don't see how he just searched that on Discord. I have made an account and I can't search like that on there.

@TicketBoo23 I asked him who would have been at gangbang, just that woman and men or other women and he said he didn't know which sounds like BS

I suppose 50 quid could cover a sex act with a cheaper end sex worker with money for profit. They don't charge much more than that per half hour. They probably hope to get them drunk and so the large possible for the money.

The food and drink is probably cheap as chips. She's not expecting them to eat much I'd say.

I doubt it's an actual swinging group because, as other posters have said, it's really quite hard for men to attend those on their own.

So you think prostitution? He must have been invited to these chats on discord as I don't see how you can just find them on the app.

*do the least possible for the money

Other posters might have more experience of this than me; I just find the charge and the ability if a man to be invited/attend so easily on his own not in line with my limited knowledge of "swinging".

Plus the fact she's referred to being a sex worker.

Anyway, whether this "orgy" involved sex workers or not (well we know the organiser is a sex worker) .... You know for sure he's been searching out dogging and communicated with another woman asking if she does it near where he works..

And that instead of not getting involved in invites to "orgies" following from that conversation, he's discussed that too.

This is a man involving himself in the casual sex scene (and possibly prostitution) behind your back.... Even if it's not been physical yet (we dint actually know that 100%).

Which would be bad enough at any time but you say your relationships been going well recently and he's encouraging you to have another child with him.

If you were acting like this, what would he think?

What was your previous bad patch about?

He seems to be following a rather "cat at home,mouse can play away" approach when he's away during the week. While you care for your SEN kids fulltime in your own.

What would you do?

Get an std check.

Not shag him without condoms - not perfect but better than without.

Investigate his activities if at all possible (having given him the impression I'm trying again and committed). May not be possible if he's careful.

See how you could manage financially if you were to split, including who this debt is going to stick to.

Not tell him about your emotional affair ... He'll just use it as justification and "balance" for anything he's done or will do.

I don't know if you want to stay, wait til kids are older etc .... But he doesn't seem trustworthy and I'd keep that in mind no matter what.

He's launched himself at real seediness and infidelity .... Whether anything physical had happened or not (yet).

Anyway, what does it actually matter ..... Wgi wants to be in a relationship where someone's acting like this even if it is truly just "fantasy". Would he be ok with it if your fantasies involved you messaging other men about meeting for sex, how far they are from you, messaging orgy organisers about taking part and contributing?

And it's not been a joint thing, it's entirely on his own and behind you back.

He sounds like he's doing a lot of playing dumb.

Op you could ask people on here who are involved in sex work or that lifestyle, either on this board or the sex topic. It sounds very strange.

I don’t know much about sex work, but I think its dubious a sex worker would arrange a gang bang with random men on line, it could be quite dangerous couldn't it. Or if it wasn’t a gang bang, what was it?

Parties and events are well organised and attended by regulars. They don’t need to scrounge for random men to chip in.

I suppose it could be fantasy chat. Or a scam on her part. But the trouble is you'll now never know. It’s almost impossible to prove you didn’t do something.

Don't tell him about that man op.