DH messaged OW. Can't decide whether to say I have crossed lines too.

[daughterof]

My DH and i have been together 15 years with young children, we have a business together and other ties.

He works away as part of our family business. He lets me use his phone freely. When I used it, there was a message in the scroll down bit. He had been messaging a woman about chipping in for renting a flat for an adult party and other things. No sexting, no pic exchange, but asking her about the event which had been cancelled amongtst othet things, saying he was planning to go. I have never had reason to think he has cheated on me before and he is the last man I would expect too. We have had very rocky times but solid for a while now and I love him.

He deleted the chat platform on his own volition and I have sneaked a look at his phone, he doesn't have anything in other chat platforms or the woman as a contact. We have an ongoing stressful situation and he said he is not thinking straight and just sent messages as one off. I messaged the woman, she confirmed no meeting and sent me copy of conversation history too, there are barely any messages.

I don't know how I feel moving forward. We have talked lots and he is very sad and ashamed. My gut feeling is I don't know how but i want the marriage to work. But I am worried as he has the opportunity if he wants to.

But. Last year across a few months, I formed an connection with a man. Nothing ever happened, no physical contact, no dates, no sexting, no pics. We happened to meet at a hobby I do and we fancied each other, we swapped no's and we sent friendly brief texts sometimes. He became frustrated I wouldn't have an affair with him but i said no as we were both married with children and even though things rocky with DH at thag point, I just couldn't do that to him/our family. He no longer attends the hobvy and we haven't messaged for months.

Now I know what DH has done, I feel so guilty and want to tell him what i did. But I am scared it will push him into pursuing another woman.

there is so much to unpick here that only the two of you can really sort this out. you say he lacks confidence in bed but then signs up for a sex party. he didnt have to make the decision to attend or not because it was cancelled so neither of you really know if he would have gone through with it or not. your marriage clearly isnt working and the only real way to go forward is for both of you to come clean about everything openly and honestly and then see if its worth giving this a proper go. the betrayal for you was the fact that you hid the conversations with this man and similarly his betrayal was that he messaged and considered a sex party not that he actually went.

I said if that's some kind of fantasy, why didn't you tell it to me or watch porn instead and he said he was an idiot

I can only speak for myself but I've looked up things - like male escorts - out of curiosity, bit would not be actually communicating with someone (and wasting their time to boot) if I had zero intention of actually doing something. A lot of people are like that.

Agree with last post @TicketBoo23 I just want to clear the slate but it might be detrimental.

He has to trust me too, we are apart regularly.

Thanks @mummymeister

Yes ther are other factors which are outing I don't want to add but we have to be together at weekends with our children together due to special needs of children.. so we have to see each other anyway. He is an amazing father.

For me, the messaging the other man was when our relationship was in a really bad place, then it carried on a bit then I cut contact and focused on DH and fell back in love with him. This was last year.

DH messages began this year, which has upset me as in all areas of marriage we have been really happy and also he wants more children

DH messages began this year, which has upset me as in all areas of marriage we have been really happy and also he wants more children

He's clearly wanting something else/more sexually.

He's searching for it and communicating about it (if that's truly all he's done) while you're in a relatively good place in your relationship, and while he's actually suggesting you TTC another child

That's quite a "dangerous" form of infidelity to my mind. Because he's seeking it whether you're happy/settled together, and while he's fully committed and while he's actually suggesting further commitment.

Yours was mostly due to being in a bad, unhappy patch and you stopped short of physical/sexual ... Whereas he seems to be specifically seeking sexual (in spite of being apparently relatively happy and commuting even more heavily to your marriage).

He seems like quite a risk, especially as he works away.

I wouldn't be telling him about your emotional affair.... It's not going to help the situation and ateotd, he's not exactly being a good little boy himself: even when you're in an apparently relatively good place in your relationship, and he's suggesting you tie yourself in further.

@TicketBoo23 all good points.

He said he did it because his head is all over the place, we are in a huge amount of debt and now need to do debt management. He has been really down and stressed about it. Our sex life is really good so he isn't lacking opportunity at home.

He said he did it because his head is all over the place

Lots of people have kids with special needs.

Lots of people have to manage debt.

I wouldn't like to hazard a guess at how many of them decide to search out orgies and communicate about participating in them and contributing to the cost of the venue .... Bit I'm going to say .. not that many.

It seems like BS excuse to me.

So you're looking after your kids with special needs every week on your own(while also working) ..... He's working away so he only had the responsibility of kids at the weekend (you say he's a great Dad but he only has to parent two days a week (?)).

You seem to be getting the shitty end of the stick here (?)

And even with you looking after the kids and running the household single handedly, as well as presumably contributing to the business... While he's free to run it all week on his own ... He's managed to get into significant debt with it.

It seems like him seeking sex outside your marriage (even while its in a relatively good place and while you have an active sex life - and using stress as an excuse ... I'd not your only problem.

And why does he think TTC another child is a good idea of you're in debt?

If your response to stresses is sex seeking outside your relationship, you have to wonder at whether you should be in an exclusive relationship.

What do you think was the root cause of your responding to the OM's advances? Maybe describe the root cause instead - "Recently I've started to feel unnoticed", or whatever.

I have to say, though, I would wonder what else he's deleted over the years.

thank you @80s

He has only just started working in this way.

My DH and i have been together 15 years

If you have young kids and are considering TTC more,you must have got into a relationship pretty young.

Some people (more men in my observation) feel they've missed out if they've had few sexual partners and want to experience variety before they get elderly ... While they can still get it up and might have a chance at some sexual opportunities with their current looks (not have to pay through the nose for it).

If that's the case with him (avd I'm obviously only guessing), he's lying and gas lighting by making out his behaviour is the result of stress. It's a pretty shitty excuse anyway.

Would it fly the other way around?
"Aw hubby I'm so stressed with our kids and lives and the debt, I wasn't thinking straight and searched for adult sex parties online and started messaging the organiser and discussed paying towards the accommodation to have the next one in" ..... Riiuiight. I'm sure his response would be "oh yes, that's definitely a common reaction to stress, you poor thing".

It's only when you reverse the situations these men out themselves in that you realise how truly ridiculous and unfeasible there excuses are.

An attached woman who was doing what yes been doing would he being called some rather choice names and would not be trusted ongoing, I think

*their

@TicketBoo23 no we weren't that young, mid 20s, I changed some details in original post. Debt accrued is both our faults and I am happy at home with children.

If you're were at least 25 and are together 15 yrs, you're around 40 (?)

I'm honestly not sure why, with debts, approaching the more difficult and riskier age for having kids, already having kids; you'd consider TTC.

Do you want to return to the nappies and sleep deprivation stage, with debts, a h who's working away all week, and now this evidence of him sex seeking outside your marriage?

It's does not seen adviseable.

@TicketBoo23 i changed details in my original post so not outing, i am not the age you have guessed.

Ah, I see.

Well - the debt issue, your existing kids having special needs and above all, this evidence of his behaviour... Would still make me inclined
to say; not remotely advisable to TTC with this man.

And it's rather "ironic" you guys are in debt but he's discussing paying towards a venue for an orhy; fabulous use of your funds in the circumstances.

And of it was all truly meaningless; he's messing about some woman (and whoever else) in this group, and giving them the impression he's going to contribute to their activities.... That dies not reflect well in him

A group of sex party havers might not be the obvious people for some sympathy (!) But he's still messing people around and wasting their time & energy, v selfishly & flakily.

(If it's really true he wouldn't have been involved if it had gone ahead).

It had occurred to me that, in spite of his insecurity, he might be ok with going ahead if he's just being a voyeur. Or he might be ok with it if it's there's the option of private rooms (as is often the case) and maybe dark lighting. And perhaps alcohol flowing.

He's not going to tell you if he had or would do this; because he clearly doesn't want to lose his marriage if he's an enthusiastic Dad, you're together for years, you have a good sex life, you are a good Mum, he's actually suggesting increasing your family etc etc.

*orgy, obviously

All true really @TicketBoo23 . What would you do?

I've been really cheated on years ago in a previous relationship and i cut him dead. He gaslit me and tried to get me back.. But we had no children or ties so it was a no brainer.

Here, I want to try to move forward, whether I can or not is another question. And then whether or not I tell him what I was doing.

I personally would not tell him about the man from hobby. People here will call any friendship with some attraction an emotional affair. To me an affair is declaration of feelings, or concrete plans to get physical or enter into a relationship. Unless you have the type of relationship where you declare every passing crush to each other, I don't see the point. You decided to not escalate things with the other man, and fell back in love with your DH. It will only cause tension on an already fragile relationship, which you don't want.

It sounds like you want things to work for the right reasons. If he's apologetic, stay, but keep eyes open and make clear you won't tolerate meet ups.

He had been messaging a woman about chipping in for renting a flat for an adult party and other things.

Im not really in this scene. But from what I gather, unverified single men are not generally welcome.

What chat app was it op?

@Ghostbuster2639 Discord

@Ghostbuster2639 he had searched "dogging" and found this woman's channel