DH messaged OW. Can't decide whether to say I have crossed lines too.

[daughterof]

My DH and i have been together 15 years with young children, we have a business together and other ties.

He works away as part of our family business. He lets me use his phone freely. When I used it, there was a message in the scroll down bit. He had been messaging a woman about chipping in for renting a flat for an adult party and other things. No sexting, no pic exchange, but asking her about the event which had been cancelled amongtst othet things, saying he was planning to go. I have never had reason to think he has cheated on me before and he is the last man I would expect too. We have had very rocky times but solid for a while now and I love him.

He deleted the chat platform on his own volition and I have sneaked a look at his phone, he doesn't have anything in other chat platforms or the woman as a contact. We have an ongoing stressful situation and he said he is not thinking straight and just sent messages as one off. I messaged the woman, she confirmed no meeting and sent me copy of conversation history too, there are barely any messages.

I don't know how I feel moving forward. We have talked lots and he is very sad and ashamed. My gut feeling is I don't know how but i want the marriage to work. But I am worried as he has the opportunity if he wants to.

But. Last year across a few months, I formed an connection with a man. Nothing ever happened, no physical contact, no dates, no sexting, no pics. We happened to meet at a hobby I do and we fancied each other, we swapped no's and we sent friendly brief texts sometimes. He became frustrated I wouldn't have an affair with him but i said no as we were both married with children and even though things rocky with DH at thag point, I just couldn't do that to him/our family. He no longer attends the hobvy and we haven't messaged for months.

Now I know what DH has done, I feel so guilty and want to tell him what i did. But I am scared it will push him into pursuing another woman.

Thank you have asked in sex forum

Thank you for advice @TicketBoo23

Do you know his discord use name op?
I'd trying searching that user name on discord and other sites like adultworks/fab singers. Or just Google it.

If he's using prostitutes/cams the women leave reviews for the punters,so you might find out more that way

@AdamRyan he deleted the app after I read his messages. His user is his whole name plus our surname plus some numbers. When I messaged the prostitute, she told me where she had advertised the gangbang so Ill make a profile on those sites if its free and search for him too I think. Thanks for reply

Google that user name then
Also you can see her deets on the above and the thread on sex - from that info I found she has a twitter handle and a locked down insta, might be worth setting up an anonymous insta, adding her and seeing if he looks like he's in her followers

Or you could just bin him. Sounds like he's a scumbag who uses sex workers, I've had one of those, very traumatic to work through the uncertainty and potential lies.

I agree I doubt this is a one off

"No way, I was happily going to pay".

Right, sounds very in line with the "moment of craziness, stress response" BS.

And instead of leaving it at that, he asks her for info. on where she does dogging.

Also a flat with two bedrooms sounds more like the attendees take turns in the bedrooms, rather than a gang bang per se.

I'd be surprised if it's not cheap sex workers she would've been bringing along.

She says she's a sex worker but does dogging for free and organises orgies for just a chip in for the accommodation, food, drink and condoms ..... Seems v unlikely.

I ended up looking at the personals on the sex board of a local/regional city forum recently (long story) and it was clear there was a massive dearth of females and that the males were almost always offering compensation/reward - and other such euphemisms for sex.

Can you reverse search her image op?

Op your three has hern ringing bells with me; are you the sane poster whose h went "off the rails" around the time of a diagnoses of SN or similar and was drinking, taking coke and staying out overnight a lot?

At the time I doubt feel you should have let it go ..... I thought it was pretty disgraceful that you, subject to exactly the same circumstances, had been forced to hold the fort for your kids while he abdicated his family responsibilities for a period. I thought him blaming the dyagnosrs

Sorry, accidentally posted too soon. ....

.... Blaming the diagnosis and stress was kids bullshit.

Like other posters, I was also skeptical that his activities when put at bars and staying at mates all night etc were limited to alcohol and drug use.

If it's the same guy, youve let that go - and let him excuse it with stress from your child's circumstances (stress you had to shoulder) .... Only to find that he can't work away without searching out and communicating about sex outside your marriage, behind you back.

And guess what's being used as an excuse - stress due to your circumstances.

If it's the same guy, his go to excuse for whatever he wants to do - partying, dogging/"sex parties" seems to conveniently be your family circumstances. I think it's BS and is just a good emotional manipulation tactic to get you to back off and to get him off the hook.

If it's Jim, it's not getting any better, is it. It's just different shit behaviour.

Sorry about all the typos.

I'm sorry to get so blunt, but I wish you'd take the rose tinted glasses off about him being a good husband, Dad etc who'd never cheat. Because to people looking at it, not bound up in emotion and investment; his behaviour seems - at the absolute best : deeply unfair and inappropriate - at worst, he seems to keep acting like a cheater.

I would doubly say you do not need to muddy the waters here with confessing your emotional affair. If it's the same guy I'm not surprised you got sucked into an emotional affair- after how he treated you and your family during that period. It's just a very good thing that OM was not savvy enough to lie and say he was unhappy, it wasn't a true marriage and he'd be leaving when he could (standard cheating man narrative).

If your h's reactions to stress is going off the rails, abdicating family responsibility and searching out seedy sex with others behind you back ..... He'd be best getting some psychological help and not being in a relationship while he does so. I predict however he'd never do that, avd would just move on to another woman who he acts this way to as well.

In any case, it's an excuse. It's not really stress. It's just the only excuse he can fix on, because he can't really blame you - you do everything and have an active sex life with him. People can be very convincing in their excuses because they convince themselves. Still doesn't mean they're true though.

And in typical fashion, almost nothing is said about your intent to have a possible affair from the people who are 'advising' you.

If you actually want to save and work on your marriage then heed this warning. Leave this forum immediately and do not take any advice from strangers who you do not know - especially strangers who do not give you a balanced discussion on both sides.

*Probably wiser to just consider exactly what it means about your relationship that you're slipping into an emotional affair when an opportunity arises.

And that he's seeking sex elsewhere.*

Oh for some reading comprehension.

If you actually want to save and work on your marriage then heed this warning. Leave this forum immediately and do not take any advice from strangers who you do not know

Terrible advice.

If I'm correct about her being the poster with the previously "off the rails" DH (or even if I'm not) op will benefit from other people's perspectives on his seedy sex seeking (if that's all he's done) while he has lights her it's due to stress.

Her emotional affair is also a sign this marriage is not working.

Many posters have says that.

You give terrible advice. Maybe you shod get off this forum, rather than op.

*while he gas lights her it's due to stress.

OP, discord is online, you can access it on a browser also. The fact that he has deleted the app from his phone does not mean that he isn't still involved. You can unfriend people which makes the chat with them dissapear from your page.

I am pretty sure that if you re ad someone, the whole chat history is still there though. Also you cannot delete someone else's messages on discord, only your own or the entire chat (for you). So you could get him to friend her again, and see if there are any more messages.

Also him deleting the app doesn't mean that he's deleted his account. Search for his name on discord and see if it comes up. Use a name for yourself that he won't recognise, then join the groups where the woman said she advertised. Once you've joined you should be able to see what he said on there by searching his name in the search bar.

Btw I can't believe his spectacularly stupid he is to use his whole real full name and last name as his username, and then spend time in these sorts of groups. Truly brazen.

By search for his name, I mean click on "add friend" (in green, top right of your page) and type in the exact username and number strings. That will tell you if he's still using it. You can even try adding him if you think he won't recognise you, but I'd probably not risk it.

*"No way, I was happily going to pay".

Somehow I doubt this is his first rodeo. A first timer wouldn't go from zero to a gang bang. I'm just not buying it. He was happily going to pay .. to do what? Be a spectator?

This event fell through, but it's way too dodgy for me to believe he's not been up to other stuff.

Thanks for replies

No, @TicketBoo23 , I haven't written threads on that he's not a drug user etc, you are thinking of a different poster

Ah, sorry, it was very similar circumstances.

"If I'm correct about her being the poster with the previously "off the rails" DH (or even if I'm not) op will benefit from other people's perspectives on his seedy sex seeking (if that's all he's done) while he has lights her it's due to stress."

But you're not correct and that's the whole point. Poor advice and especially where there are children involved.

Just to update, i think i have found him on swinging site with profile made last year when he was very depressed, we were under huge stress and marriage was terrible. No pic but profile strongly suggest could be him, unless huge coincidences