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Original poster

Girlfriend swears that she didn't lie but something in me tells me there is more to it, how to proceed with this?

155 replies

uijkor · 17/02/2023 12:38

This is something I posted on some other forums but didn't get enough opinions.
I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years, live together for 2 years. She is sweet, caring and loving, has so many good traits and I would definitely want to marry her.
However, there is something that bothers me about one event. A few years ago she was at the bachelorette party and the next day she told me at first there was a stripper and after a few seconds she said that she is just joking that there was no stripper but that the maid of honor "acted" as a stripper for fun. I didn't think about it for years and then one day I was looking at some old photos with her and there was a selfie of MOH from that party with some guy. There was nothing on the photo except for his head, couldn't see anything else. The photo was posted in their facebook group for bachelorette party.
I asked a few more times because this was really weird, and she swears to life there was no stripper and she has no idea who is the guy on the photo. After all of this we struggled because of some other issues (she was somewhat secretive with her phone in general because she said she does not want me to try to read her messages from the time before our relationship). Her story about the party and all this is very convincing, she swears to hear life there was no stripper. I want to believe her, but something in me tells me something is off here. Why would MOH took a photo with some guy at bachelorette party and post it in FB group... my girlfriend said she has no idea who it is, that it might be someone's boyfriend. But then, why take a take a selfie with someone's boyfriend and post it in FB group...
I said that I want to believe her and that I would like to ask MOH who that guy is, but she is refusing to give me any contact to MOH or contact her by herself, because it is "stupid" that I don't believe her and that it will only embarrass both of us.
Did you guys ever had that feeling where the story is convincing but one thing feels off?
I really need advice how to proceed with this.

OP posts:
Aussiegirl123456 · 18/02/2023 21:21

Fuck me, you’re like a giant red flag 🚩 Get over yourself.
Hope your GF sees sense and leaves you, you’re very controlling, it’s coming across as very uncomfortable so I can’t imagine what it’s like in real life. Your poor GF.

Aussiegirl123456 · 18/02/2023 21:22

And btw, if you were a woman saying this about a BF, my answer would be exactly the same. So don’t go playing the ‘poor man’ card.

Opentooffers · 18/02/2023 21:27

I think you have both fallen on your own swords by allowing each other to read messages. A phone is like a diary, and should be private.
She may well have lied, but you should not have been quizzing her and I'd of said "what goes on at the bachelorette stays at the bachelorette" so no further elaboration required. It was none of your business in the first place. You can expect a partner to be faithful, but beyond that, it's her life. She'd of been better off telling you to mind your own at the time.
So you either drop it, or maybe she will decide herself that she has had enough if you are hell bent on persisting. It wasn't your GF in the photo, so why care about what someone else did? She may well be protecting the MOH, but what she got up to or not is irrelevant.

MadeofElephantStone · 18/02/2023 21:48

You insisting that she gets her friends involved to 'prove' herself is shocking actually and if I was her friend who received questions like this knowing the reasons behind them being asked I would probably be concerned for her - that is not a reasonable request OP.

You've asked her a question and she has answered it. It's up to you whether you choose to accept it or not, but badgering on and on at her on this one thing is unhealthy for both of you. What if she's telling the truth? What if she's lying? What if you can never know the answer either way? I think you should answer these questions yourself and evaluate the wider relationship (you said it was otherwise great, would she say the same?) before making a decision on whether continuing with the relationship is fair on either of you.

CousinKrispy · 18/02/2023 22:58

God it's boring when ragey little misogynists come on here trying to get "proof" of how anti-men the site is.

In the unlikely event that OP is genuine....

  1. posters pointing out that your GF may have lied because she was afraid you'd go off the rails about it (gee, wonder why) aren't "justifying" lying. They're explaining a reason why it might happen, so you can gain understanding. That's not the same as saying it was totally ok to lie.
  2. I don't know why you'd stay with a partner who insists on reading all your messages. That sounds like an invasion of your privacy and it's ok for you to leave the relationship or reassert a healthy boundary on this.
  3. I really don't understand why you've posted, because you seem absolutely convinced that she lied, and equally convinced that this means the end of the relationship. And it's fine for you to have that as your standard for a relationship. So why don't you end it with her and move on with dignity? Are you hanging on and arguing with her because you're hoping she'll admit it and you'll be proved right?

It's definitely hard to feel like you don't know the truth about your partner or ex partner. I get that. But if you really can't or just won't trust her, you may never get that assurance from her and need to move on without it. Honestly I'd suggest you end the relationship and spend some time on getting counselling and learning how to build trust in a healthy relationship. Trust is key in a relationship and you need to learn about how to build that appropriately.

Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:02

Moser85 · 18/02/2023 20:42

I don't think that's odd. I wouldn't want anyone reading my old messages. There are definitely some from my ex, I never look at them but never deleted them.
There's also all the chats with my friends and I wouldn't want anyone to read them either because they're private....and no doubt he'd be looking at the friend chats too to see if they mentioned this stripper.

Show quote history

I never asked to see her phone, this is just her story.

She snooped through my messages often.

Interesting that you didn't mention that, but assumed that I would snoop through her messages:)

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/02/2023 23:04

So are you going to split up then OP? Because a relationship where either of you are snooping through the other's messages is not a healthy or happy relationship. So why continue it?

Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:06

Aussiegirl123456 · 18/02/2023 21:22

And btw, if you were a woman saying this about a BF, my answer would be exactly the same. So don’t go playing the ‘poor man’ card.

If I was a woman you would just say "dump him, go girl" shit. I can see through your messages that what you said about exactly the same answer is not true.

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:07

monsteramunch · 18/02/2023 23:04

So are you going to split up then OP? Because a relationship where either of you are snooping through the other's messages is not a healthy or happy relationship. So why continue it?

It's just thst I never wanted to snoop and never have, unlike her

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:11

Opentooffers · 18/02/2023 21:27

I think you have both fallen on your own swords by allowing each other to read messages. A phone is like a diary, and should be private.
She may well have lied, but you should not have been quizzing her and I'd of said "what goes on at the bachelorette stays at the bachelorette" so no further elaboration required. It was none of your business in the first place. You can expect a partner to be faithful, but beyond that, it's her life. She'd of been better off telling you to mind your own at the time.
So you either drop it, or maybe she will decide herself that she has had enough if you are hell bent on persisting. It wasn't your GF in the photo, so why care about what someone else did? She may well be protecting the MOH, but what she got up to or not is irrelevant.

You just sound like a big hypocrit, I know if you were in this situation you would want to know the truth and not just break up imidiately. But yeah, it's easy to say "it's not her in the photo, let it go" :)

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:14

CousinKrispy · 18/02/2023 22:58

God it's boring when ragey little misogynists come on here trying to get "proof" of how anti-men the site is.

In the unlikely event that OP is genuine....

  1. posters pointing out that your GF may have lied because she was afraid you'd go off the rails about it (gee, wonder why) aren't "justifying" lying. They're explaining a reason why it might happen, so you can gain understanding. That's not the same as saying it was totally ok to lie.
  2. I don't know why you'd stay with a partner who insists on reading all your messages. That sounds like an invasion of your privacy and it's ok for you to leave the relationship or reassert a healthy boundary on this.
  3. I really don't understand why you've posted, because you seem absolutely convinced that she lied, and equally convinced that this means the end of the relationship. And it's fine for you to have that as your standard for a relationship. So why don't you end it with her and move on with dignity? Are you hanging on and arguing with her because you're hoping she'll admit it and you'll be proved right?

It's definitely hard to feel like you don't know the truth about your partner or ex partner. I get that. But if you really can't or just won't trust her, you may never get that assurance from her and need to move on without it. Honestly I'd suggest you end the relationship and spend some time on getting counselling and learning how to build trust in a healthy relationship. Trust is key in a relationship and you need to learn about how to build that appropriately.

Trust is key.
My trust is not completely broken, but she won't even try to prove me she didn't lie.
If I was in her place I would turn the world to prove that I didn't lie if something "weird" showed up that doesn't add up.

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:17

CousinKrispy · 18/02/2023 22:58

God it's boring when ragey little misogynists come on here trying to get "proof" of how anti-men the site is.

In the unlikely event that OP is genuine....

  1. posters pointing out that your GF may have lied because she was afraid you'd go off the rails about it (gee, wonder why) aren't "justifying" lying. They're explaining a reason why it might happen, so you can gain understanding. That's not the same as saying it was totally ok to lie.
  2. I don't know why you'd stay with a partner who insists on reading all your messages. That sounds like an invasion of your privacy and it's ok for you to leave the relationship or reassert a healthy boundary on this.
  3. I really don't understand why you've posted, because you seem absolutely convinced that she lied, and equally convinced that this means the end of the relationship. And it's fine for you to have that as your standard for a relationship. So why don't you end it with her and move on with dignity? Are you hanging on and arguing with her because you're hoping she'll admit it and you'll be proved right?

It's definitely hard to feel like you don't know the truth about your partner or ex partner. I get that. But if you really can't or just won't trust her, you may never get that assurance from her and need to move on without it. Honestly I'd suggest you end the relationship and spend some time on getting counselling and learning how to build trust in a healthy relationship. Trust is key in a relationship and you need to learn about how to build that appropriately.

Btw, 6 out of 7 years I had complete trust, not once I doubted anything, before photo showed up and she deleted all messages...

On the other hand, she often snooped through my messages.

And you are telling me about trust issues.

Classic :)

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:21

Aussiegirl123456 · 18/02/2023 21:21

Fuck me, you’re like a giant red flag 🚩 Get over yourself.
Hope your GF sees sense and leaves you, you’re very controlling, it’s coming across as very uncomfortable so I can’t imagine what it’s like in real life. Your poor GF.

If genders were reversed, then she would have every right to snoop through my phone searching for evidence, right :)

Btw, she did snooped through my phone very often, funny you mentioned how I am controlling.

Classic feminist logic

OP posts:
Haffiana · 18/02/2023 23:29

You really could pick a fight with a slice of white bread, eh OP? Are you always like this when people don't agree with you?

Would you dare show this thread to your girlfriend?

monsteramunch · 18/02/2023 23:38

So you're not going to end the relationship then OP?

It's really not meant to be this much of a ballache being with someone.

Mayorquimby2 · 18/02/2023 23:42

That bitch lied, get rid.

But also you seem like a dick, so work on that too.

Ormally · 19/02/2023 00:15

What do you actually want?
Your impression is that she is "sweet, caring and loving" and yet you cannot shake the thought that she is lying, and swearing she isn't. Does one balance out the other or is it just sending you round in stressy circles?

Why would you want to read her messages from before you got together? What good would that do either of you? She's deleted them either because they don't mean much to her, or because she can't be arsed with your drama, or both.

This party was somewhere between 1 and 6 years ago (!) For a brief point in an evening, she may have seen a stripper booked for someone else (or may not). Presumably this didn't mean it would have detonated a change in her feelings for you? Lying about this has hurt you but there are many worse things that could have been at the bottom of a lie, if it's a lie.

It sounds like you want the fantasy of a real kind of pure perfection. Over 6 years, or more, this is unrealistic to think it must stay elevated on its golden column.

If you're that disillusioned, you don't trust what she says. and think her behaviour, the bad parts and the good, add up to a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker. But these are things that others might think quite minor, and could be talked about without the reactivity and drama, and most probably forgiven.

CousinKrispy · 19/02/2023 00:16

Why are you with a woman who is reading through your messages and invading your privacy? Why did she ask for that in the first place, and why did you agree to it? Do you feel uncomfortable about it?

Bragging about how you had complete trust in her for 6 years isn't the "gotcha" that you think it is. Trust isn't something you should just had over blindly, as you may be starting to realize now that you've got a partner who is looking at your messages while hiding her own.

Trust is something that must be earned, and built gradually between two people. Unfortunately our culture gives us a lot of bad messages about how we should just instantly trust the person we've fallen in love with, because that proves we love each other! Lots of us have been burnt this way, you're not alone by any means.

That's why I suggest you spend some time learning about healthy trust in relationships, not because ... I dunno, whatever derpy reading-comprehension-failure interpretation you put on my post was.

Usernameisunavailable · 19/02/2023 01:06

You clearly don’t trust her and think she lied. So break up with her then, if it’s a deal breaker, and do both of you a favour. (Mostly her, as you sound petty and paranoid.)

TequilaNights · 19/02/2023 01:11

Please let your GF give her side of this story 😊

QueenCamilla · 19/02/2023 01:32

I ain't going to lie, swear to god OP and my life, you are one unpleasant specimen.

It's probably the most truth I've spoken since the last time I lied (I lied to my son that I won't eat any of his crisps). So I might not be trustworthy but I'm still a good judge of character (and crisp flavours ).

And no, I wouldn't be bothered about some small, inconsequential detail/lie from moons ago. It's pretty much insane to think otherwise.

QueenCamilla · 19/02/2023 01:39

If I was in her place I would turn the world to prove that I didn't lie if something "weird" showed up that doesn't add up.

Then show her this thread - it's very weird and it doesn't add up.
I think you'll have to prove yourself to her for the rest of your life after chatting shit like this on the Internet behind her back.

Andypandy799 · 19/02/2023 02:09

@uijkor I get what your saying it sounds like she is lying and I would suspect more than just a stripper at the hen do.

If there’s a bloke in the fb photo she’s been elusive about I would suspect her of cheating with him

You should LTB and find someone faithful

Aussiegirl123456 · 19/02/2023 04:24

uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:06

If I was a woman you would just say "dump him, go girl" shit. I can see through your messages that what you said about exactly the same answer is not true.

Show quote history

No poppet. No idea how the fuck you came to that conclusion but I’ve got sons and daughters, brothers and sisters and male and female friends. If ANY of them were in a relationship with someone like you, I’d tell them to run. Same sex relationships: if either was like you, I’d tell the other to run.

You are a controlling, misogynistic and very sad little person making mountains out of molehills, digging up the past because your self esteem is non existent and the only way you can make yourself feel better is by treating your poor girlfriend poorly.

My school friend was married to a woman like you actually. We supported him to get him out of a toxic and abusive relationship. So fuck off with your “you hate men” comments. I fucking love men. I just fucking hate abusive c*nuts like you, whatever their gender.

Hope your GF sees sense and finds someone who values her.

Aussiegirl123456 · 19/02/2023 04:34

uijkor · 18/02/2023 23:21

If genders were reversed, then she would have every right to snoop through my phone searching for evidence, right :)

Btw, she did snooped through my phone very often, funny you mentioned how I am controlling.

Classic feminist logic

Show quote history

Where did I say she could look through your phone? I didn’t even mention phones. Are you on something?

OP you’re reading things that aren’t there. You’re either hallucinating or you have very poor comprehension skills.

If you don’t trust her then end the relationship. Really not sure what you’re trying to get here, from this site.

And no, if she snoops on your phone then that is wrong.

I’ll make it easy as you clearly have poor comprehension skills:

Man snoops on woman’s phone = bad
Woman snoops on man’s phone = bad
woman controlling of man = bad
man controlling of woman = bad
no trust in relationship = bad

woman = can be good or bad
man = can be good or bad

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