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Original poster

Girlfriend swears that she didn't lie but something in me tells me there is more to it, how to proceed with this?

155 replies

uijkor · 17/02/2023 12:38

This is something I posted on some other forums but didn't get enough opinions.
I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years, live together for 2 years. She is sweet, caring and loving, has so many good traits and I would definitely want to marry her.
However, there is something that bothers me about one event. A few years ago she was at the bachelorette party and the next day she told me at first there was a stripper and after a few seconds she said that she is just joking that there was no stripper but that the maid of honor "acted" as a stripper for fun. I didn't think about it for years and then one day I was looking at some old photos with her and there was a selfie of MOH from that party with some guy. There was nothing on the photo except for his head, couldn't see anything else. The photo was posted in their facebook group for bachelorette party.
I asked a few more times because this was really weird, and she swears to life there was no stripper and she has no idea who is the guy on the photo. After all of this we struggled because of some other issues (she was somewhat secretive with her phone in general because she said she does not want me to try to read her messages from the time before our relationship). Her story about the party and all this is very convincing, she swears to hear life there was no stripper. I want to believe her, but something in me tells me something is off here. Why would MOH took a photo with some guy at bachelorette party and post it in FB group... my girlfriend said she has no idea who it is, that it might be someone's boyfriend. But then, why take a take a selfie with someone's boyfriend and post it in FB group...
I said that I want to believe her and that I would like to ask MOH who that guy is, but she is refusing to give me any contact to MOH or contact her by herself, because it is "stupid" that I don't believe her and that it will only embarrass both of us.
Did you guys ever had that feeling where the story is convincing but one thing feels off?
I really need advice how to proceed with this.

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 17/02/2023 16:42

dude - this is not deep enough to warrant such an overreaction.

she definitely said there wasn't a stripper because she knew it'd turn into a massive thing, whether you'll admit that or not.

your reactions now (years later) show she was right.

so she probably lied. not ideal, but i would argue not really a devastating betrayal - more a white lie.

if you can say hand on heart, that you've never told her a white lie about anything (the price of a pair of shoes you've bought, whether that new dress suits her or not, that you remembered to book the car in for an MOT when you said you did), then ok - you are in a miniscule minority of people, and you can get on your lofty steed and denounce her.

if not, then welcome to the imperfect majority of normal people.

get over it.

it was inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

if you're prepared to let this ruin a good relationship, then she's probably better off without you.

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2023 16:43

I get it. If my DP had gone to a stag do, at someones house, and told me there was no stripper (I WOULD have had a problem with a stripper being there btw) and then a photo surfaced of one of the blokes with a random woman at this house, then yes I'd be asking questions!
And I would fully expect him, if he had been telling the truth, to simply message his mate and say 'hey mate, found some photos of the stag do, who is this random woman'?. It's a simple question if he actually had zero idea who it was.

If he had lied, I imagine he would be reluctant to ask that question, as he'd already know the answer as to who the random woman was!

So I think therein lies your answer. If she won't simply clear this up with a simple text to MOH asking who it was, I imagine its because she won't want you to see MOH's reply.

And I also would see it as a hundred times as bad if he HAD lied and said there was no stripper when there was one because he knew I would have an issue with it. The lying would take it to a whole new level. Telling the truth about it in the first place, well, I can work with that. But the lying would just make me wonder what else had gone on that he has omitted to mention. Whole new can of worms.

DatingDinosaur · 17/02/2023 16:55

Maybe, must maybe, she isn't lying and it's all in your head based on some old photograph taken at a party. But you'll never believe her because you've got it in your head that she's lying. What will it take to make you believe she's telling the truth?

To answer the question in your topic title; "how to proceed with this?" Carry on as you are, accusing and questioning your gf for ever more. Really push to speak to the MOH and interrogate her too. Bring this subject up in every disagreement you have. Mention that, if she loved you, she'd let you read her deleted messages from before you got together.

And the Mumsnet Massif will look out for your STBXGF's topic "How best to dump my whiny, controlling arse of a boyfriend?"

GreyCarpet · 17/02/2023 16:59

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2023 16:43

I get it. If my DP had gone to a stag do, at someones house, and told me there was no stripper (I WOULD have had a problem with a stripper being there btw) and then a photo surfaced of one of the blokes with a random woman at this house, then yes I'd be asking questions!
And I would fully expect him, if he had been telling the truth, to simply message his mate and say 'hey mate, found some photos of the stag do, who is this random woman'?. It's a simple question if he actually had zero idea who it was.

If he had lied, I imagine he would be reluctant to ask that question, as he'd already know the answer as to who the random woman was!

So I think therein lies your answer. If she won't simply clear this up with a simple text to MOH asking who it was, I imagine its because she won't want you to see MOH's reply.

And I also would see it as a hundred times as bad if he HAD lied and said there was no stripper when there was one because he knew I would have an issue with it. The lying would take it to a whole new level. Telling the truth about it in the first place, well, I can work with that. But the lying would just make me wonder what else had gone on that he has omitted to mention. Whole new can of worms.

Totally agree.

northernlight20 · 17/02/2023 17:07

well if you think she lied and its a dealbreaker for you, why not just end it and move on? why are you still with her and torturing yourself?

Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 17:09

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2023 16:43

I get it. If my DP had gone to a stag do, at someones house, and told me there was no stripper (I WOULD have had a problem with a stripper being there btw) and then a photo surfaced of one of the blokes with a random woman at this house, then yes I'd be asking questions!
And I would fully expect him, if he had been telling the truth, to simply message his mate and say 'hey mate, found some photos of the stag do, who is this random woman'?. It's a simple question if he actually had zero idea who it was.

If he had lied, I imagine he would be reluctant to ask that question, as he'd already know the answer as to who the random woman was!

So I think therein lies your answer. If she won't simply clear this up with a simple text to MOH asking who it was, I imagine its because she won't want you to see MOH's reply.

And I also would see it as a hundred times as bad if he HAD lied and said there was no stripper when there was one because he knew I would have an issue with it. The lying would take it to a whole new level. Telling the truth about it in the first place, well, I can work with that. But the lying would just make me wonder what else had gone on that he has omitted to mention. Whole new can of worms.

Thank God, thank you for this, finally someone who understands my point of view :)

OP posts:
uijkor · 17/02/2023 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Naunet · 17/02/2023 17:53

OP, you’re never going to get the answer you want, it was a long time ago now and if you keep on about it, you will destroy your relationship anyway. You need to make a choice, trust her and let it go, or leave. There’s no other solution here.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/02/2023 17:57

uijkor · 17/02/2023 13:37

I cant come to any conclusion from the photo, but the photo was taken at the party and posted in a facebook group for the party...Now, think about it, why would MOH take a selfie with any MAN at a BACHELORETTE party??? Of course, it might not be a stripper, but my girlfriend deleted all messages some time after this...

Because he was cute? Because she fancied him? Because he was a work colleague/old school friend/relative?

All good reasons to take a photo with a ‘random man’, @uijkor - and I can think of more.

Is this the hill you want your relationship to die on?

Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 18:19

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/02/2023 17:57

Because he was cute? Because she fancied him? Because he was a work colleague/old school friend/relative?

All good reasons to take a photo with a ‘random man’, @uijkor - and I can think of more.

Is this the hill you want your relationship to die on?

Show quote history
  1. They weren't in any club, they had private party in a house
  2. My gf deleted all messages, including that photo because she "didn't want me to read her messages" but she did read my messages "for fun",
  3. She said even if she had the photo, she wouldn't text MOH and ask "who is this" just to prove me that I am wrong. Simple text message, just one...

What do you think now?

OP posts:
Naunet · 17/02/2023 18:27

uijkor · 17/02/2023 18:19

  1. They weren't in any club, they had private party in a house
  2. My gf deleted all messages, including that photo because she "didn't want me to read her messages" but she did read my messages "for fun",
  3. She said even if she had the photo, she wouldn't text MOH and ask "who is this" just to prove me that I am wrong. Simple text message, just one...

What do you think now?

Show quote history

It seems like you’re more concerned with ‘winning’ than your relationship.

Why are you demanding to see each other’s messages anyway? That’s not healthy.

Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 18:31

Naunet · 17/02/2023 18:27

It seems like you’re more concerned with ‘winning’ than your relationship.

Why are you demanding to see each other’s messages anyway? That’s not healthy.

Show quote history

You didn't read my post or my comments...i am trying my hardest to solve this with her.

I didn't want to read her messages why did you think I would want that?
On the other hand, she read my messages on daily basis.
Now?

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 17/02/2023 18:38

uijkor · 17/02/2023 18:31

You didn't read my post or my comments...i am trying my hardest to solve this with her.

I didn't want to read her messages why did you think I would want that?
On the other hand, she read my messages on daily basis.
Now?

Show quote history

Mate. Just end it if it’s a big deal to you and there’s no trust.

Why are you still going on about it in here and wishing ‘your SO betrays you in the worst way possible and lies about it’ to posters who don’t agree with you?

You’re making yourself seem extremely frantic, obsessive and ill-mannered.

Naunet · 17/02/2023 18:41

uijkor · 17/02/2023 18:31

You didn't read my post or my comments...i am trying my hardest to solve this with her.

I didn't want to read her messages why did you think I would want that?
On the other hand, she read my messages on daily basis.
Now?

Show quote history

You didn't read my post or my comments...i am trying my hardest to solve this with her
Guess again. You possibly missed my first reply to you addressing this. You haven’t said what you’ve tried to do to solve it, you’ve tried to prove she’s lying. That’s just going to destroy your relationship. You have to make a choice to trust her and let it go, or decide you can’t, and split up. It’s as simple as that.

I didn't want to read her messages why did you think I would want that? because you continuously say she deleted her messages. You wouldn’t know that unless you’d asked to see them.

On the other hand, she read my messages on daily basis and as I already said, that’s wrong. Why do you go along with that?

Now? Now, it’s over to you mate. It’s your relationship, only you can decide how you’ll deal with this.

northernlight20 · 17/02/2023 18:42

hopefully your girlfriend will wake up and leave you because this sounds like a very toxic relationship

Naunet · 17/02/2023 19:15

DatingDinosaur · 17/02/2023 16:55

Maybe, must maybe, she isn't lying and it's all in your head based on some old photograph taken at a party. But you'll never believe her because you've got it in your head that she's lying. What will it take to make you believe she's telling the truth?

To answer the question in your topic title; "how to proceed with this?" Carry on as you are, accusing and questioning your gf for ever more. Really push to speak to the MOH and interrogate her too. Bring this subject up in every disagreement you have. Mention that, if she loved you, she'd let you read her deleted messages from before you got together.

And the Mumsnet Massif will look out for your STBXGF's topic "How best to dump my whiny, controlling arse of a boyfriend?"

Exactly, the photo could be a male friend who also went, or the MoH partner who dropped her off, it could have been taken before the party even started and was earlier in the night before the GF even got there, or any other number of people. To jump straight to the conclusion that it must be a stripper is a bit weird.

CinnamonSodaPop · 17/02/2023 19:27

You think she lied to you. Your choices now are:

  1. Believe her, let it go
  2. Don't believe her, stay, and feel distrustful and miserable
  3. Leave

I would advise having one more try to talk to her about it and then see what your instinct tells you to do. I would also give some thought to how you would feel if she says she did lie, but because she was concerned about your reaction.

PlumbleCrumble · 17/02/2023 19:43

Surely the man in the photo could be absolutely anyone, including a random stranger? Why would he have to be a stripper? I do think it is quite concerning to be grilling your girlfriend over being photographed with a man at a party, years ago? She is allowed to be at a party with men there. She doesn't have to remember the identity of everyone she ever went to a party with.

I'm not surprised she guards her phone, it sounds like you could find reasons to be suspicious and jealous over everything!

You have two options: 1, accept what she told you and LET IT GO. 2, leave her. But you need to stop grilling her about this. It is not healthy.

pointythings · 17/02/2023 19:56

I suspect that your GF did minimise the presence of a stripper. And given your reactions on here, I can absolutely see why she would have done that. You're clearly mistrustful and insecure. Her biggest mistake has been to stay with you, she can do better.

Work on your self esteem and your insecurities before you step into another relationship.

bathsh3ba · 17/02/2023 20:21

It's fairly obvious there was a stripper at a party several years ago and she minimised it to save your feelings. Now this photo has emerged, you're making a big deal of it and she feels unable to backtrack. Whether this is because she's scared of you or because she's a consummate liar or just because she's dug herself a hole and can't see the way out, we can't possibly know.

If it was me, I'd say it was years ago, forget it and move on. Personally I think we all lie sometimes, especially if we're afraid of losing someone or something, and it's not necessarily indicative of a major character flaw. Part of loving someone is forgiveness - not for everything and not always, but that trust that you can mess up to a certain degree and still be loved is an important component of a healthy relationship.

If a single lie is a dealbreaker to you, then it's a dealbreaker: leave her and move on as you clearly aren't suited.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 17/02/2023 21:09

uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:03

I thought that actually people could give me some meaningful advice except for classic "dont be controlling"...
If there was a women in my situation then the advice would be "dump him". Because, yeah it makes sense right :)

You made a fair few posts before stating your sex and there are lots of same sex relationships posted about on this board so don't assume people jumped to you being male whilst giving advice just because your partner is female.

That aside, I don't know what you want? You don't trust her. If she fesses up tomorrow then you'll leave her but you also can't live in this limbo forever so that also means you should probably leave her. Irrespective of the opinions on who is being unreasonable, the trust has gone, move on. You've made it a very black and white situation so I don't think you have any alternative.

GreyCarpet · 17/02/2023 21:13

If a single lie is a dealbreaker to you, then it's a dealbreaker: leave her and move on as you clearly aren't suited.

A single lie of this nature would be enough for me to end the relationship.

I also think it's a but unfair that people are saying his response to this situation justifies his girlfriend lying to him at the time. It doesn't. Most people respond negatively to being lied to however they'd have felt about the initial honesty.

Not only that, I also think most people would become irked faced with the barrage of criticism he has received on this thread.

I'm no male apologist as my previous contributions to other threads would show but I do find the impulse many women here have to automatically find fault with the man and assume the woman is blameless tiresome.

Women fuck up and gets things wrong. Men have feelings.

GreyCarpet · 17/02/2023 21:18

Personally I think we all lie sometimes, especially if we're afraid of losing someone or something, and it's not necessarily indicative of a major character flaw.

Actually, I don't. I wouldn't want to he caught out in a lie so I don't lie. I work on the principle that an unpalatable truth can be worked through whereas a lie can't. Besides, I wouldn't do anything I felt the need to lie about.

I'd also end a relationship if someone lied to me about whether or not a new dress suited me (as a previous poster mentioned). If i cared enough to ask someone for their opinion, why would I want to be with someone who didn't care enough about me to be honest?

GreyCarpet · 17/02/2023 21:22

And my final point, I wouldn't be happy if my partner attended a party where there was a stripper but assuming it wasn't booked for him or by him, I'd deal with it.

If I found out about it years after, after having asked him directly when he'd lied to my face about it, I'd definitely end it.

Haffiana · 17/02/2023 21:33

A single lie of this nature would be enough for me to end the relationship.

I'd also end a relationship if someone lied to me about whether or not a new dress suited me (as a previous poster mentioned). If i cared enough to ask someone for their opinion, why would I want to be with someone who didn't care enough about me to be honest?

I wonder if it proves that this is nothing to do with the sex of the OP if I say - @GreyCarpet I also think you are just as incomprehensible as the OP.

Of all the ills in the world, of all the bad things people do to each other, you pick tiny little lies like this that people make in order to allow their partner to be happy as your line in the sand?

Are you also one of those people who have to tell everyone the Truth As They See It about them at all times even when it is rude and upsetting? 'Cos Honesty excuses everything even basic societal good manners?? Are you also proud of being direct and blunt and see it as a great attribute?

I have as much in common with you as I do with the far side of Mercury.