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Original poster

Girlfriend swears that she didn't lie but something in me tells me there is more to it, how to proceed with this?

155 replies

uijkor · 17/02/2023 12:38

This is something I posted on some other forums but didn't get enough opinions.
I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years, live together for 2 years. She is sweet, caring and loving, has so many good traits and I would definitely want to marry her.
However, there is something that bothers me about one event. A few years ago she was at the bachelorette party and the next day she told me at first there was a stripper and after a few seconds she said that she is just joking that there was no stripper but that the maid of honor "acted" as a stripper for fun. I didn't think about it for years and then one day I was looking at some old photos with her and there was a selfie of MOH from that party with some guy. There was nothing on the photo except for his head, couldn't see anything else. The photo was posted in their facebook group for bachelorette party.
I asked a few more times because this was really weird, and she swears to life there was no stripper and she has no idea who is the guy on the photo. After all of this we struggled because of some other issues (she was somewhat secretive with her phone in general because she said she does not want me to try to read her messages from the time before our relationship). Her story about the party and all this is very convincing, she swears to hear life there was no stripper. I want to believe her, but something in me tells me something is off here. Why would MOH took a photo with some guy at bachelorette party and post it in FB group... my girlfriend said she has no idea who it is, that it might be someone's boyfriend. But then, why take a take a selfie with someone's boyfriend and post it in FB group...
I said that I want to believe her and that I would like to ask MOH who that guy is, but she is refusing to give me any contact to MOH or contact her by herself, because it is "stupid" that I don't believe her and that it will only embarrass both of us.
Did you guys ever had that feeling where the story is convincing but one thing feels off?
I really need advice how to proceed with this.

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 18/02/2023 16:14

So dump her then??

Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:16

What happend to "it was a long time ago", "you also lied sometimes" ,"it's your fault because you are a guy"?
Isn't this interesting?

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:24

baileys6904 · 18/02/2023 10:14

Oh ffs

The op got frustrated due to all the 'advice' on here based on a gang up of 'the sisterhood' that can't actually deal with the thought of a man being the wronged party and unfortunately he gave them the excuse needed for another fucking pile on.

No wonder suicide rates in males are so fucking high compared to women. We keep doing this 'it's OK to talk, it's okay to cry, men have emotions too' then as soon as one tries to express those for support, look what happens??

OP, she lied, probably to save ur feelings, but she lied. It's akin to a ' no you don't look fat today' or ' yes of course sec with you is like no other' done for thr best of intentions, but still a lie. Whether you decide its a deal breaker or not depends on your boundaries, but ultimately, if she has been a great life partner since, does it really matter?? That's your decision but just be careful you're not cutting your nose of to spite your face.

And if you post on here again, change ur name and pretend your female.

This is the ultimate answer!

This explains everything, but literally everything, when I see these other women how they think and respond I am even more convinced my gf lied.

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 18/02/2023 16:26

I actually despair.

Dery · 18/02/2023 16:27

I don’t think anyone has said it’s your fault because you’re a guy.

People have said your responses are rather aggressive (which they are - I have seen the same said to female posters too, mind) and that maybe your girlfriend was scared to tell you the truth.

As noted upthread, people have also said that if you can’t trust her, then you should end it.

However, others have noted that since you described her as being a fantastic girlfriend, you might not want to end your relationship over this.

You’re getting a range of responses because, in your shoes, different people will have different reactions, and only you can know which approach works best for you.

What will make your relationship toxic is continuing the relationship but using this as a stick to beat your girlfriend with, just as it would be toxic if positions were reversed and your girlfriend thought she had caught you in a lie but decided to continue the relationship. So you either need to end your relationship or put this behind you.

Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:30

Dery · 18/02/2023 16:27

I don’t think anyone has said it’s your fault because you’re a guy.

People have said your responses are rather aggressive (which they are - I have seen the same said to female posters too, mind) and that maybe your girlfriend was scared to tell you the truth.

As noted upthread, people have also said that if you can’t trust her, then you should end it.

However, others have noted that since you described her as being a fantastic girlfriend, you might not want to end your relationship over this.

You’re getting a range of responses because, in your shoes, different people will have different reactions, and only you can know which approach works best for you.

What will make your relationship toxic is continuing the relationship but using this as a stick to beat your girlfriend with, just as it would be toxic if positions were reversed and your girlfriend thought she had caught you in a lie but decided to continue the relationship. So you either need to end your relationship or put this behind you.

I wasn't aggressive I just responded in the same way "the sister tribe" responded to me, thats all.
And yeah, if gender were reversed, everyone would be judging the guy, no matter male or female.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/02/2023 16:41

You have been aggressive OP, wishing ill on people whose answers you didn't agree with. It was really weird to see play out as it's not normal behaviour for an adult at all.

There's a lot to unpack for you when it comes to your anger response and anxiety response.

Neither are serving you well or making you happy as they are, so working on them proactively could be of great benefit to you.

Whatever did or didn't happen at the party, you don't believe her and don't trust her. So you either continue the relationship knowing you don't trust her, or you end the relationship. There aren't other options really.

Moser85 · 18/02/2023 16:42

uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:07

Haven't read this kind if bullshit for a long time...

Show quote history

Except it's true.....

Dery · 18/02/2023 16:47

We may need to differ as to what constitutes aggression.

But you’re wrong to say that people on Mumsnet will always side with women against men - there are plenty of posts where male posters get sympathetic advice (for an example today, check out the post from the man whose wife has said she’s not in love with him anymore). And you’ve had sympathetic responses on this thread too.

That said, it feels you’re not really interested in people’s responses unless they agree with you - you seem to just want to dump a load of anger on women.

Which takes us rather neatly back to why your girlfriend might have feared your reaction if she’d said there’d been a stripper at the party all those years ago.

Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:52

Dery · 18/02/2023 16:47

We may need to differ as to what constitutes aggression.

But you’re wrong to say that people on Mumsnet will always side with women against men - there are plenty of posts where male posters get sympathetic advice (for an example today, check out the post from the man whose wife has said she’s not in love with him anymore). And you’ve had sympathetic responses on this thread too.

That said, it feels you’re not really interested in people’s responses unless they agree with you - you seem to just want to dump a load of anger on women.

Which takes us rather neatly back to why your girlfriend might have feared your reaction if she’d said there’d been a stripper at the party all those years ago.

I never ever before was jealous or controlling boyfriend. Never. I believed her story back then and didn't think about it for a second.

In the last few months she did some thing that made me suspicious, especially when I saw the photo of the guy and when she deleted all messages.

She had absolutely no reason to fear my reaction because I am ok with stripper being there as I said to her, but not OK with lying.
The end :)

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 18/02/2023 17:03

So. Break. Up. With. Her.

monsteramunch · 18/02/2023 17:05

Break up with her then OP.

You're certain she lied.

You find the lie unacceptable.

So end it 🤷🏻‍♀️

What other options are there?

pointythings · 18/02/2023 17:07

So what did she do that made you suspicious? Because from your posts so far you come across as someone who is by inclination insecure and suspicious.
I reckon what happened originally is that your girlfriend mentioned the stripper, saw your expression and went 'oh shit' realising you were not going to be able to handle it and backtracked. Big mistake on her part, she should have just stuck with it and then broken up with you when you continued to show insecurity, but there it is.

Bottom line - you aren't compatible. Your insecurity means you should work on yourself before entering into another relationship.

Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 17:10

pointythings · 18/02/2023 17:07

So what did she do that made you suspicious? Because from your posts so far you come across as someone who is by inclination insecure and suspicious.
I reckon what happened originally is that your girlfriend mentioned the stripper, saw your expression and went 'oh shit' realising you were not going to be able to handle it and backtracked. Big mistake on her part, she should have just stuck with it and then broken up with you when you continued to show insecurity, but there it is.

Bottom line - you aren't compatible. Your insecurity means you should work on yourself before entering into another relationship.

She was snooping through my phone, wanted my new password and deleted all messages when I requested hers password.

She wasnt even willing to contact MOH and prove me that the guys from the photo isn't stripper.

So, before you jump to your genius conclusion that I am insecure, read my post please:)

OP posts:
Dery · 18/02/2023 17:11

Understood, OP. So, as the previous posters have said, it looks like you need to end the relationship.

monsteramunch · 18/02/2023 17:18

So what's the plan then OP?

You need to break up as the relationship isn't working and neither of you trusts the other.

GreyCarpet · 18/02/2023 17:28

Be careful of confusing feminism with hating men, OP. I'm a feminist and my posts on here have only been supportive of you.

I haven't read aggression but irritation in your responses. I haven't agreed with everything you've posted in irritation but, when people are irritated, they say stuff they might not otherwise have said.

The bottom line is, a relationship cannot exist without trust. I think, from what you have posted, you have good reason not to trust her in this matter now. In your shoes, I would feel similarly to you and would end it.

But that is hard to do because you remember all the positives and you just wish she hadn't lied and you wish it were different and I think you need the opportunity to just process it and ruminate on it for a while if that is where your head is at currently.

But, however lovely she is the rest of the time, you don't want to be with someone who lies to you and I wouldn't either.

Moser85 · 18/02/2023 17:40

She wasnt even willing to contact MOH and prove me that the guys from the photo isn't stripper.

I wouldn't either. I'd be absolutely mortified to have to ask my friend to provide some kind of evidence/reassurance to my boyfriend over a party from years ago. And if it was a friend in that situation I'd worry about her.

pointythings · 18/02/2023 18:06

Going through your phone was unacceptable behaviour from her, and if you had ended the relationship because of it that would have been fine by me.

Demanding her password and access to her phone however made you just as bad. Then demanding that she 'prove her innocence' is where you crossed the line.

So the bottom line is this:

  • She didn't feel safe to admit there was a stripper at the party. That one is mostly on you, partly on her
  • She snooped through your phone. 100% on her
  • You demanded to snoop through her phone. 100% on you
  • You have held the stripper/no stripper thing over her head for years. 70/30 you/her

You two have a toxic relationship. End it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/02/2023 19:01

uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:03

I thought that actually people could give me some meaningful advice except for classic "dont be controlling"...
If there was a women in my situation then the advice would be "dump him". Because, yeah it makes sense right :)

”Don’t be controlling” is good, meaningful advice, @uijkor - it’s just not the advice you wanted. But that is what you get when you post on MN - intelligent people posting their opinions, which may or may not be what the OP wants to hear. I am sure there are places on the Internet where you could find people who would validate whatever it that you want out of this thread.

So, if you want an echo chamber to tell you what you want, you are in the wrong place, but if you want blunt, straightforward opinions, and can cope with hearing opinions that don’t agree with what you want to hear, MN is the place for you.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 18/02/2023 19:24

AlmostaMamma · 18/02/2023 17:03

So. Break. Up. With. Her.

This

You've actually had plenty of support in terms of telling you that you need to break up.

Monstermoomin · 18/02/2023 19:44

One of the things I find odd is that she was secretive of her phone because she didn't want you to see messages from before your relationship....why on earth does she still have messages that would be presumably conversations with ex partners or something similar with people she's dated, flirted with or whatever.

KaleFairy · 18/02/2023 19:50

It sounds like you believe she lied and that's a deal breaker for you, so you should break up. If it's not a deal breaker you should let it go.

Moser85 · 18/02/2023 20:42

Monstermoomin · 18/02/2023 19:44

One of the things I find odd is that she was secretive of her phone because she didn't want you to see messages from before your relationship....why on earth does she still have messages that would be presumably conversations with ex partners or something similar with people she's dated, flirted with or whatever.

I don't think that's odd. I wouldn't want anyone reading my old messages. There are definitely some from my ex, I never look at them but never deleted them.
There's also all the chats with my friends and I wouldn't want anyone to read them either because they're private....and no doubt he'd be looking at the friend chats too to see if they mentioned this stripper.

Marineboy67 · 18/02/2023 21:18

Pretty hopeless really, you've been offered some really good emphatic advice yet you've chosen to shout back and argue with what's been put to you.
From your original post you've taken nothing on board. The End :)