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Original poster

Girlfriend swears that she didn't lie but something in me tells me there is more to it, how to proceed with this?

155 replies

uijkor · 17/02/2023 12:38

This is something I posted on some other forums but didn't get enough opinions.
I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years, live together for 2 years. She is sweet, caring and loving, has so many good traits and I would definitely want to marry her.
However, there is something that bothers me about one event. A few years ago she was at the bachelorette party and the next day she told me at first there was a stripper and after a few seconds she said that she is just joking that there was no stripper but that the maid of honor "acted" as a stripper for fun. I didn't think about it for years and then one day I was looking at some old photos with her and there was a selfie of MOH from that party with some guy. There was nothing on the photo except for his head, couldn't see anything else. The photo was posted in their facebook group for bachelorette party.
I asked a few more times because this was really weird, and she swears to life there was no stripper and she has no idea who is the guy on the photo. After all of this we struggled because of some other issues (she was somewhat secretive with her phone in general because she said she does not want me to try to read her messages from the time before our relationship). Her story about the party and all this is very convincing, she swears to hear life there was no stripper. I want to believe her, but something in me tells me something is off here. Why would MOH took a photo with some guy at bachelorette party and post it in FB group... my girlfriend said she has no idea who it is, that it might be someone's boyfriend. But then, why take a take a selfie with someone's boyfriend and post it in FB group...
I said that I want to believe her and that I would like to ask MOH who that guy is, but she is refusing to give me any contact to MOH or contact her by herself, because it is "stupid" that I don't believe her and that it will only embarrass both of us.
Did you guys ever had that feeling where the story is convincing but one thing feels off?
I really need advice how to proceed with this.

OP posts:
Seapearlstar · 17/02/2023 21:41

Lying is a massive dealbreaker. I also wouldn’t want to be with someone who distorts my reality- which is what lying is, and is not prepared to be totally honest and deal with the consequences. It’s something weak minded people do, and I fully understand you thinking of it in terms of, if she lies to my face over this, what else has she lied about. You haven’t come across as aggressive or controlling, unfortunately on Mumsnet there is a diversity in what is moral and just, and men who post often get an unfair hearing. Relationships are vulnerable, and if she was so scared of you “she’d have to lie to you” as some have made a justification, she should have already left you because she’s scared of you. That doesn’t seem to be what’s going on here.

I suggest getting fully vulnerable with her. You clearly don’t want to throw a relationship away by either:

A) unjustly accusing her or insinuating things that might cause the relationship to deteriorate

B) Breaking up with her when you could be wrong

i suggest sitting down and saying the truth is so important to you, you want to be able to fully trust but on this issue you are struggling. That you are prepared to listen to all she has to say if there’s something she hasn’t told you, to forgive and move past it, with changed behaviour and full openness. Alternatively if she is sticking to her story, that it takes nothing for her to message the maid of honour with the picture and say “who is this guy from the hen party” do this all in one conversation. If she refuses to do either then your well-being is not important to her, and you should end it.

by the way I don’t care what some of you think about what I’ve said, I don’t need the feminist brigade of cut of his nether regions descending on my answer. Trust is important in a relationship and both partners should cater to each other to build it and hold the other one up when they are weak.

Smooshface · 17/02/2023 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why do you reply to people to say this? Just ignore them if you don't want to hear from them, rather than wishing ill upon them. It makes you look like a psycho which i don't think is helping your case.

Thelnebriati · 17/02/2023 22:17

@uijkor What would the consequences be if you saw something on her phone that you didn't like? So what if there was a stripper at the hen do, do you count that as infidelity?
You don't seem to want to accept the problem is your attitude.

Its really not normal for adults to have to swear they are telling the truth. Its something seen quite often in controlling relationships.

pointythings · 17/02/2023 22:20

I agree with pp that wishing ill on people who disagree with you doesn't make you come across as reasonable and rational.

monsteramunch · 17/02/2023 22:22

Wishing ill on people the way you have is completely unhinged and bizarre OP. It's also incredibly immature.

billy1966 · 18/02/2023 02:37

CinnamonSodaPop · 17/02/2023 19:27

You think she lied to you. Your choices now are:

  1. Believe her, let it go
  2. Don't believe her, stay, and feel distrustful and miserable
  3. Leave

I would advise having one more try to talk to her about it and then see what your instinct tells you to do. I would also give some thought to how you would feel if she says she did lie, but because she was concerned about your reaction.

This is fair.

I think kindly this relationship is actually over.

That's ok.

People break up.

Do it calmly and with dignity and move on.

Trust and respect really are the cornerstones of a good healthy long-term relationship, when they are gone, they are gone.

Don't drag it out, move on.

Good luck.

Moser85 · 18/02/2023 03:21

You sound very young OP, what age are you?

A few years ago she was at the bachelorette party and the next day she told me at first there was a stripper and after a few seconds she said that she is just joking that there was no stripper but that the maid of honor "acted" as a stripper for fun.

My guess is that there was a stripper but that you looked pissed when she said it so she instantly changed her story to avoid an argument. What was your relationship like at the time? were you jealous etc?

Geppili · 18/02/2023 03:23

Op.

Girlfriend swears that she didn't lie but something in me tells me there is more to it, how to proceed with this?
AaaaaandBreathe · 18/02/2023 03:25

I understand why you are upset.

However, you've repeatedly wished for posters to have their partner cheat on them and rounded it off with a smiley face.

You are not a nice person and your SO is probably scared to be honest with you. If you have such a bad reaction to comments from people on the internet god knows how you speak to her.

As this is your third(?) platform to ask this on, I'm assuming everyone gave similar responses to the majority on here.

Break up with her Joe Goldberg.

Flashingtealights · 18/02/2023 04:52

Your GF reads your messages on a daily basis .
You have seen something that has caught your eye and has activated your gut feeling that she has lied. Now the only answer that will make you feel like you are getting the truth is one where she admits there was a stripper there.
She may have lied to you, the deletion of messages etc suggests that probably she has. The fact that she goes through your phone every day suggests that she doesn’t trust you either. This was years ago though, everyone tells minor lies to their partner at some point ( anyone who says different is living in denial). Maybe she wasn’t honest about there being a stripper there because she didn’t want to deal with the fall out afterwards.That’s not me getting in a dig at you, that’s me giving you an explanation of why she possibly denied a stripper being there You sound pretty obsessive right now tbh. I really think you need to walk away, neither of you sound like you are in a good relationship

Hadjab · 18/02/2023 06:07

uijkor · 17/02/2023 13:02

I ask again, you would be OK if your SO lied to you for years and swore to your life that they didn't lie...but instead they have lied. What if your SO cheated on you for years like that and lied to you, but you did nothing because it is just tiny mole hill and you don't wanna look stupid...my God, I at least expected normal people to be here and not on FB or reddit.

You seem to be getting quite irate because people are not agreeing with you. People aren’t agreeing with you because we’re normal, much like the people on Reddit. And yes, you look stupid, obsessing over something that happened years ago.

Hadjab · 18/02/2023 06:14

uijkor · 17/02/2023 15:00

They are not right, these kind of people will make everything men's fault (probably cause they are unhappy). Instead of giving actual advice, they say "don't be controlling". Wtf

Show quote history

Is that you, Andrew Tate?

Fmlgirl · 18/02/2023 08:37

This is something so minor to completely obsess over for several years, OP. It also sounds to me like you are very young. Either let it go or do your gf a favour and break up with her.

CrystalCoco · 18/02/2023 08:45

Please show your partner this thread so she can hopefully make the decision to run for the hills. She needs to get very far away from you, very quickly.

You sound batshit, controlling and immature, not a worthy partner of a woman who is, in your own words "sweet, caring and loving, has so many good traits"

Dery · 18/02/2023 09:06

“This is something so minor to completely obsess over for several years, OP. It also sounds to me like you are very young. Either let it go or do your gf a favour and break up with her.”

This.

Dery · 18/02/2023 09:13

Also, as various PP have said, your responses to posters who disagree with you are very aggressive. It’s possible to disagree with people without aggression but you are wishing bad things on posters who disagree with you. It’s so unnecessary. This is why many posters are imagining your GF might have been afraid to tell you the truth in any case. Also given how you’re acting over this, it’s hard to imagine you’d have been cool about a stripper being at the party.

Comtesse · 18/02/2023 09:42

You don’t believe her, you don’t trust her, so end the relationship. It’s a ludicrous overreaction but that’s your choice.

perfectcolourfound · 18/02/2023 09:57

You think your gf lied. You aren't sure but think she's lied. Lying is not OK in a relationship. If she'd been frightened of your response then it might be more understandable, but you say you wouldn't have minded at all if a stripper had been there. So she had no reason to be nervous.

It sounds like your relationship isn't in great shape in general. She checks your messages daily? She deletes her messages because you wanted to see them? None of this is healthy.

You don't believe her about what happened that night. This means you don't trust her. Whether or not you are right not to trust her, the fact remains. She may have given you good reason not to trust her. In which case, leave.

Set aside who's at fault here for a moment..... do you both feel respected, supported, trusted? Do you both trust he other and want the best for each other? Look at the whole relationship, not this incident.

If in every other respect everything is good and healthy and respectful, then you appear to be choosing not to trust her without good reason, and that will destroy your relationship. If all isn't good and healthy, this incident is irrelevant and you shouldn't be together anyway. You clearly don't trust her as you're convinced she has lied. Whether you are right or wrong, the only correct action to take is to walk away. There is no 'win' in hanging around and punishing her or forcing her to admit it.

baileys6904 · 18/02/2023 10:14

Oh ffs

The op got frustrated due to all the 'advice' on here based on a gang up of 'the sisterhood' that can't actually deal with the thought of a man being the wronged party and unfortunately he gave them the excuse needed for another fucking pile on.

No wonder suicide rates in males are so fucking high compared to women. We keep doing this 'it's OK to talk, it's okay to cry, men have emotions too' then as soon as one tries to express those for support, look what happens??

OP, she lied, probably to save ur feelings, but she lied. It's akin to a ' no you don't look fat today' or ' yes of course sec with you is like no other' done for thr best of intentions, but still a lie. Whether you decide its a deal breaker or not depends on your boundaries, but ultimately, if she has been a great life partner since, does it really matter?? That's your decision but just be careful you're not cutting your nose of to spite your face.

And if you post on here again, change ur name and pretend your female.

Moser85 · 18/02/2023 15:26

@baileys6904
No wonder suicide rates in males are so fucking high compared to women. We keep doing this 'it's OK to talk, it's okay to cry, men have emotions too' then as soon as one tries to express those for support, look what happens??

Suicides rates for males are higher for a number of factors, one being that men tend to self medicate with alcohol/drugs and women are not as likely to. Women make more suicide attempts, men tend to use more violent means so more die. It is also extremely rare for mothers to kill themselves even if they are extremely suicidal because most of the time they think of the kids. It doesn't mean they're less depressed or received more support. It just means they remain suicidal but alive.

Also men are far, far more likely to talk and cry than women in my experience. FAR more likely.

It is womens mental health that isn't taken seriously. Not mens. Everyone listens when men say they're depressed or suicidal.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 18/02/2023 15:52

If she now says that yes, she lied, you will always believe that if she lied that time she can lie again, and you won't trust her any more.

If she continues to say that she didn't lie, you won't believe her because you are convinced she did, and you won't trust her any more

Either way, it's curtains, isn't it?

Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:07

Moser85 · 18/02/2023 15:26

@baileys6904
No wonder suicide rates in males are so fucking high compared to women. We keep doing this 'it's OK to talk, it's okay to cry, men have emotions too' then as soon as one tries to express those for support, look what happens??

Suicides rates for males are higher for a number of factors, one being that men tend to self medicate with alcohol/drugs and women are not as likely to. Women make more suicide attempts, men tend to use more violent means so more die. It is also extremely rare for mothers to kill themselves even if they are extremely suicidal because most of the time they think of the kids. It doesn't mean they're less depressed or received more support. It just means they remain suicidal but alive.

Also men are far, far more likely to talk and cry than women in my experience. FAR more likely.

It is womens mental health that isn't taken seriously. Not mens. Everyone listens when men say they're depressed or suicidal.

Haven't read this kind if bullshit for a long time...

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:10

Just an update

  1. I dont know why i expected anything else from all these feminist "it's guys fault" answers
  2. She already deleted photo a few months ago but even if she had it she wouldn't message MOH because "they haven't spoken in years"
  3. She just said I have to believe her
OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:12

But yeah, as some people said if genders were reverse, this much evidence would be more than enough for women to say "dump him" 😀

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 18/02/2023 16:14

uijkor · 18/02/2023 16:12

But yeah, as some people said if genders were reverse, this much evidence would be more than enough for women to say "dump him" 😀

We’ve all mostly advised you to end the relationship because you don’t trust her. Didn’t you notice that?

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