Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Girlfriend swears that she didn't lie but something in me tells me there is more to it, how to proceed with this?

155 replies

uijkor · 17/02/2023 12:38

This is something I posted on some other forums but didn't get enough opinions.
I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years, live together for 2 years. She is sweet, caring and loving, has so many good traits and I would definitely want to marry her.
However, there is something that bothers me about one event. A few years ago she was at the bachelorette party and the next day she told me at first there was a stripper and after a few seconds she said that she is just joking that there was no stripper but that the maid of honor "acted" as a stripper for fun. I didn't think about it for years and then one day I was looking at some old photos with her and there was a selfie of MOH from that party with some guy. There was nothing on the photo except for his head, couldn't see anything else. The photo was posted in their facebook group for bachelorette party.
I asked a few more times because this was really weird, and she swears to life there was no stripper and she has no idea who is the guy on the photo. After all of this we struggled because of some other issues (she was somewhat secretive with her phone in general because she said she does not want me to try to read her messages from the time before our relationship). Her story about the party and all this is very convincing, she swears to hear life there was no stripper. I want to believe her, but something in me tells me something is off here. Why would MOH took a photo with some guy at bachelorette party and post it in FB group... my girlfriend said she has no idea who it is, that it might be someone's boyfriend. But then, why take a take a selfie with someone's boyfriend and post it in FB group...
I said that I want to believe her and that I would like to ask MOH who that guy is, but she is refusing to give me any contact to MOH or contact her by herself, because it is "stupid" that I don't believe her and that it will only embarrass both of us.
Did you guys ever had that feeling where the story is convincing but one thing feels off?
I really need advice how to proceed with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:00

Eleganz · 17/02/2023 13:57

So what if OP wouldn't have been happy with a stripper? Why is that not okay? Are we saying that such boundaries are only acceptable for women?

We routinely have threads on here where women state that they would end their relationships if they found out their partners had been to a strip club on a stag do and advising other women in the same situation to do so. I don't hear them being described as 'controlling' and obsessing over "a little thing". Many women seem to agree with them.

Trust is gone OP and it doesn't sound like it is coming back. Your gf seemed to suggest there had been a stripper, back tracked and now is being evasive. Suggest you think hard about whether your relationship has any future and please ignore the posters on here trying to make out that this is a result of you being "controlling" and "aggressive".

Thank you, finally someone really read my post...
I guess these days if you are not OK with your partner lying to you you are "controlling".
But yeah, double standards again, right guys?? If some girl was in my place everyone would be saying "dump him"...

OP posts:
Eleganz · 17/02/2023 14:02

OP - I'll say what I always say, I wonder why men like you post on here for advice. You will never get a fair hearing on MN.

Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:03

I thought that actually people could give me some meaningful advice except for classic "dont be controlling"...
If there was a women in my situation then the advice would be "dump him". Because, yeah it makes sense right :)

OP posts:
RealB · 17/02/2023 14:04

OP i think you are being unfairly judged on here for some reason. There are plenty of posts on MN with women asking very similar questions about their SO and not getting these kind of responses. Deleting messages is always strange if there is supposedly nothing to hide so this would be a red flag for me personally. However as a previous poster had mentioned i do think youve answered your own question as its clear the trust has already gone. Youve gotten the most your going to get out of your SO on this situation so i think its more at this point that you just need to make a decision on if your okay with the potential that she lied or not. If yes then move on and learn from it, if not then end the relationship. Lying is a deal breaker for me too

NovelFarmer · 17/02/2023 14:05

When I was a young prude I told my then BF I didn’t want him going to a strip club.
He was invited to a bachelors party but due to working late, was only able to attend the very end of the evening.
When he came home from the party, I asked him and he said he didn’t go to a strip club. However, at the wedding, the groom inadvertently let me know he had.
I forgave my BF and I understood why he lied.
I don’t consider my now DH a liar. I’ve lied to DH myself about things. Things he can never prove to be untrue because they relate to thoughts I’ve had.
You will never know someone’s absolute truth.
I find a better judge of character to be in a person’s selflessness and thoughtfulness.
This is how you will more accurately gauge if someone will cheat on you.

perfectcolourfound · 17/02/2023 14:05

This comes down to - do you trust your gf? If so, believe her and move on, and forget about something that happened years ago.

If you don't trust her, you shouldn't be together.

Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:08

NovelFarmer · 17/02/2023 14:05

When I was a young prude I told my then BF I didn’t want him going to a strip club.
He was invited to a bachelors party but due to working late, was only able to attend the very end of the evening.
When he came home from the party, I asked him and he said he didn’t go to a strip club. However, at the wedding, the groom inadvertently let me know he had.
I forgave my BF and I understood why he lied.
I don’t consider my now DH a liar. I’ve lied to DH myself about things. Things he can never prove to be untrue because they relate to thoughts I’ve had.
You will never know someone’s absolute truth.
I find a better judge of character to be in a person’s selflessness and thoughtfulness.
This is how you will more accurately gauge if someone will cheat on you.

very similar situation, thanks for the response. Everyone has different boundaries, lying to my face and swearing to my life that you didn't lie but you actually did is not ok and definitely deal breaker.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 17/02/2023 14:13

The advice is easy - you either trust her, or you don’t ..

if you don’t trust her, you need to end the relationship, as there will continually be “was there a stripper” moments throughout your relationship.

if you do trust her, you need to stop going on about it.

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 14:14

uijkor · 17/02/2023 13:57

Think of this, during a few hours of party, these women must have taken 100s of photos and only about 20 of them were in that FB group. Now, of all these photos, why post a selfie with some guy, what is the importance of this, why is he important? OK, might not be a stripper, but nobody here is at least trying to understand that there is a chance my gf actually lied...
I hope she didn't lie, but she deleted all messages...why? She acted suspicious and possibly lied, but everyone is telling me to fuck of...nice job guys. Only GreyCarpet actually talked and adressed my problem.

Show quote history

I think you should break up with this poor woman so she can find someone who isn’t a paranoid obsessive.

So dump her, then. You’re not satisfied with her responses or ours. So end it.

NovelFarmer · 17/02/2023 14:19

It might be a dealbreaker. But what I’m suggesting is that it’s an impossible test.

Just because you never catch someone out in a lie doesn’t mean you’re not with a liar.

ItchyBillco · 17/02/2023 14:27

She probably lied because she knew what you’d be like.

Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:41

ItchyBillco · 17/02/2023 14:27

She probably lied because she knew what you’d be like.

Are you trying to justify her lying???? Is this where this world went? Wrf...now I am guilty because she lied...

OP posts:
Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:47

I see that this started to be a classical "it's guy's fault" even if girlfriend lied.
If a women was in this position, not a single person would say its her fault or that she is "controlling".
Thanks to everyone that actually gave me normal answers, and to others who didn't, I wish your SO betrayed you in the worst possible way :) and then lied to you about it :)

OP posts:
Smooshface · 17/02/2023 14:56

uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:47

I see that this started to be a classical "it's guy's fault" even if girlfriend lied.
If a women was in this position, not a single person would say its her fault or that she is "controlling".
Thanks to everyone that actually gave me normal answers, and to others who didn't, I wish your SO betrayed you in the worst possible way :) and then lied to you about it :)

Wow, I was actually feeling a bit sorry for you then but now you are proving them all right.

Original poster
uijkor · 17/02/2023 15:00

Smooshface · 17/02/2023 14:56

Wow, I was actually feeling a bit sorry for you then but now you are proving them all right.

Show quote history

They are not right, these kind of people will make everything men's fault (probably cause they are unhappy). Instead of giving actual advice, they say "don't be controlling". Wtf

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 17/02/2023 15:05

She swore on your life?? Why?

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 15:10

uijkor · 17/02/2023 15:00

They are not right, these kind of people will make everything men's fault (probably cause they are unhappy). Instead of giving actual advice, they say "don't be controlling". Wtf

Show quote history

Quite a few of us have advised you to just end it, but you don’t want that advice either.

What do you want?

Devilrocknroller · 17/02/2023 15:17

uijkor · 17/02/2023 15:00

They are not right, these kind of people will make everything men's fault (probably cause they are unhappy). Instead of giving actual advice, they say "don't be controlling". Wtf

Show quote history

Saying ‘don’t be controlling’ is advice…..
Trust is gone. You’ll never get an answer that will satisfy you (even if you speak to the maid of honour you’ll start wondering if she just lied for her friend) call it a day, I’m sure you’ll both be happier

ItchyBillco · 17/02/2023 15:26

uijkor · 17/02/2023 14:47

I see that this started to be a classical "it's guy's fault" even if girlfriend lied.
If a women was in this position, not a single person would say its her fault or that she is "controlling".
Thanks to everyone that actually gave me normal answers, and to others who didn't, I wish your SO betrayed you in the worst possible way :) and then lied to you about it :)

No you’re quite right, you seem like a great guy.

pog100 · 17/02/2023 15:28

Man, whether you like it or not, you are coming over in an aggressive, argumentative and demanding way. People are putting themselves in your gf's position and thinking "hmm, I'd probably lie to avoid this bloke's responses".
Whether you believe that or not, coming here and asking these questions makes it absolutely clear that this relationship is dead in the water. Leave her and let you both find people you are more suited to.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 17/02/2023 15:44

I think the way you've flown off the handle here is a reflection of why your girlfriend may possibly have lied to you!

You need to end it with her for both of your sakes mostly hers

Dozycuntlaters · 17/02/2023 15:49

Thanks to everyone that actually gave me normal answers, and to others who didn't, I wish your SO betrayed you in the worst possible way :) and then lied to you about it :)

Well aren't you just a pure delight.

blacksax · 17/02/2023 16:03

There's just no helping some people, is there?

What do you want us to say? We cannot tell you whether she lied or not. We cannot tell you (if it was a lie), why she lied about it. We have no idea who this random man was, or if he was a stripper or not. We cannot tell you whether she spent the entire evening draped all over him or not. We cannot tell you where the magic wand to restore trust is kept. We cannot tell you any of that. All we can tell you is that if trust is gone, then the relationship is all but gone as well.

BrightSaturn · 17/02/2023 16:27

uijkor · 17/02/2023 13:02

I ask again, you would be OK if your SO lied to you for years and swore to your life that they didn't lie...but instead they have lied. What if your SO cheated on you for years like that and lied to you, but you did nothing because it is just tiny mole hill and you don't wanna look stupid...my God, I at least expected normal people to be here and not on FB or reddit.

So the people on this forum also aren’t “normal” because they don’t agree with you?

you’re posting trying to get everyone to agree and getting annoyed when they don’t.

If you don’t trust your girlfriend then end the relationship.

CiderJolly · 17/02/2023 16:40

You sound like an obsessive, paranoid harasser. I feel sorry for your girlfriend and hope she comes to her senses and dumps you the next time you bring this up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread