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Original poster

Trans-ish husband. Sources of support.

152 replies

TheSquirrelOfDisappointment · 15/02/2023 20:52

DH has in the last decade or so increasingly embraced his female side. He wears makeup and stereotypically female clothes often. He goes to trans meet-ups. Meanwhile he and I sleep in different parts of the house and I ponder the fact that I'll probably never have any kind of physical affection ever again (except from the cat). Is there any supportive organization out there for women in this situation? I heard about the Beaumont Foundation but they seem to be primarily by/for trans people themselves.

OP posts:
YouTarzan · 15/02/2023 20:59

I don't know about organisations, but there's a long-running support thread on here where I am sure they'll be able to help: www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

YouTarzan · 15/02/2023 21:00

It seems they also have a website: www.transwidowsvoices.org/

category12 · 15/02/2023 21:02

If you're not happy, it's OK to split up.

Why are you staying and planning to continue to stay?

NashvilleQueen · 15/02/2023 21:03

Do you want to stay with him?

Faffertea · 15/02/2023 21:05

TinselAngel set up the original Trans Widows thread and Trans Widows Voices. She has been incredible in helping women with male partners identifying as women or trans identities.

Someone will tell you how awful the feminism board is etc but we are unapologetic in placing women at the centre. You would get support there too.

Original poster
TheSquirrelOfDisappointment · 15/02/2023 21:06

Thanks, people. Seriously.
Yes, I'm going to stay. Our children would be way beyond devastated if we split.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 15/02/2023 21:08

Maybe their father should consider his actions then. He’s the one causing an issue. These things tend to escalate OP. There’s nothing to say her husband won’t decide he wants to live as a woman full time. You’ve no relationship at the moment. When will the point come that you say enough.

reverseferreting · 15/02/2023 21:08

You need to think about yourself as well as the kids

HorribleNecktie · 15/02/2023 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

category12 · 15/02/2023 21:10

TheSquirrelOfDisappointment · 15/02/2023 21:06

Thanks, people. Seriously.
Yes, I'm going to stay. Our children would be way beyond devastated if we split.

But you deserve happiness too.

Is it a great relationship model you're giving them where the parents are essentially living separate lives?

Clymene · 15/02/2023 21:14

What about what you want? I would urge you to join the transwidow threads. There's a lot of women who've been where you are. Sadly they all follow a similar trajectory

LunaDeBallona · 15/02/2023 21:17

Your Children will be fine. Discovering that their Dad demeans women by wearing womanface, makes their mum very unhappy and being brought up in a home with (I assume must be ) a weird atmosphere will be much more damaging for them. Go to the transwidows website as reccomended above and please, think about ending this unhappy Union - for your sake as well as the children’s.

shouldistayorno · 15/02/2023 21:18

Sorry you’re in this situation if it isn’t serving you well.
staying together for children is potentially damaging/ they will never see you in a successful and nurturing relationship, and never to see you hVe affection from your partner? Home relationships often teach children the foundations of successful adult relationships and bad ones can have a detrimental affect.
if you’re not going to be happy with no physical affection and unclear communications for the rest of your life then I don’t see the benefit in staying personally.
as a child from a “broken” home- it was better to see my parents in happy relationships outside of that initial toxic unit.

Johnnysgirl · 15/02/2023 21:19

LunaDeBallona · 15/02/2023 21:17

Your Children will be fine. Discovering that their Dad demeans women by wearing womanface, makes their mum very unhappy and being brought up in a home with (I assume must be ) a weird atmosphere will be much more damaging for them. Go to the transwidows website as reccomended above and please, think about ending this unhappy Union - for your sake as well as the children’s.

This.
How can you justify staying by claiming it's in the children's best interests?!

Jimboscott0115 · 15/02/2023 21:20

TheSquirrelOfDisappointment · 15/02/2023 21:06

Thanks, people. Seriously.
Yes, I'm going to stay. Our children would be way beyond devastated if we split.

I think they'll be more negatively impacted by your relationship as it is to be honest, it's not healthy for them to grow up having this as their image of what a relationship should be like.

MissBPotter · 15/02/2023 21:23

Sorry why are you staying with this man? What are you actually getting from this relationship? Kids can adjust. It’s not easy but seeing you put up with being treated as a housemate (?) isn’t great either.

Kissedbyfire1 · 15/02/2023 21:25

TheSquirrelOfDisappointment · 15/02/2023 21:06

Thanks, people. Seriously.
Yes, I'm going to stay. Our children would be way beyond devastated if we split.

But you have already split. Before long you will find that you are married to a woman, which probably wasn’t what you intended. You aren’t married to the person you thought you were married to.

JenniferBooth · 15/02/2023 21:28

In this months Woman and Home there is an article written by a woman whose husband came out as gay when she was 40 After they had had a clunky (as she described it) sex life and then no sex life.

These selfish selfish men get away with it because the assumption still persists that women dont/shouldnt like sex as much as men which is also the reason why women in sexless marriages keep schtum Its misogyny . Depriving a woman of a decent love life by deception.

Before anyone starts there is nothing wrong with being gay or trans
There is everything wrong with deceiving someone else.

Porkandbeans1 · 15/02/2023 21:39

Would you want one of your children to stay in a loveless marriage and waste years of their lives? You need to be a good role model and sometimes that means you have to put your own needs first. Your husband could have buried his wants and desires, but no he's doing this during your DCs formative years without giving a shit about how it affects them.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/02/2023 21:40

Everyone judging- op if you are happy and he is happy and the kids are happy- I see why you’d stay.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/02/2023 21:41

TheSquirrelOfDisappointment · 15/02/2023 21:06

Thanks, people. Seriously.
Yes, I'm going to stay. Our children would be way beyond devastated if we split.

I think staying in a non relationship is more harmful..how will they form good impressions of relationships in this set up

FrostyBits · 15/02/2023 21:41

You are doing your children no favours staying in this marriage if you are unhappy. Everyone thinks their children will be 'beyond devastated' if they split up but it happens and people cope. Your children will be beyond devastated when they are old enough to realise that their mum was thoroughly miserable because their father wasn't the man she thought she'd married, and that their childhood was a sham.

If you have a daughter and she's in this position in the future, what would you tell her to do? I am sure it wouldn't be 'stay miserable and watch the hours of the one life you get tick by'.

Johnnysgirl · 15/02/2023 21:43

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/02/2023 21:40

Everyone judging- op if you are happy and he is happy and the kids are happy- I see why you’d stay.

If op was happy I doubt she'd have posted

Eyerollcentral · 15/02/2023 21:46

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/02/2023 21:40

Everyone judging- op if you are happy and he is happy and the kids are happy- I see why you’d stay.

@TheSquirrelOfDisappointment are you happy?

JenniferBooth · 15/02/2023 21:46

How old are you OP