Trans-ish husband. Sources of support.

[TheSquirrelOfDisappointment]

DH has in the last decade or so increasingly embraced his female side. He wears makeup and stereotypically female clothes often. He goes to trans meet-ups. Meanwhile he and I sleep in different parts of the house and I ponder the fact that I'll probably never have any kind of physical affection ever again (except from the cat). Is there any supportive organization out there for women in this situation? I heard about the Beaumont Foundation but they seem to be primarily by/for trans people themselves.

@Popplcroft I certainly don't! I think my mother was in fact incredibly selfish, she put what she wanted - the appearance of a happy marriage - above the happiness and welfare (physical and emotional) of her three children.

Ultimately it all crashed and burned because it was a lie. A lie she chose to live - we didn't.

No, because men can’t be lesbians. Even if they could sleeping in separate rooms doesn’t scream unbounded passion does it

Your husband could be a lesbian who still finds you the most attractive woman in the world, and you might find yourself attracted to him as a her.

Would anyone give this advice to a man ? No one would expect a man to accept a partner who decided to transistion, thus making them 'gay. stop trying to shame a woman for not wanting a relationship with a bloke in a dress. It's like you're saying she can't say no unless she gives it a try first? Revolting.

@crunchermuncher Exactly There is no better example to prove that womens sexuality is not seen to be as important as mens

OP- I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Of course I'm not telling you what's best for you, I don't know the details of your situation, but it may help to know that I grew up in a household where my parents slept in separate bedrooms and waited until I was 18 to get divorced for the exact reasons you stated.

I'd never express this to my parents (both now elderly) but I WISH they'd got divorced earlier. They thought they were hiding their pain and divorce would hurt me and my siblings, but actually it was written all over their faces every day in subtle ways (which kids can pick up on!) and it gave me a lot of issues I had to address through therapy as an adult.

I'm not saying you're causing damage to your kids, I just know that so many people with divorced parents end up saying that their parents divorce was the best thing that ever happened to their family.

You deserve affection and love which your husband can't give you. People have been asking how old you are, but my it doesn't really matter. My best friend just got divorced and started dating again with 3 kids at 53.

This may also be controversial to say on this forum, but your husband deserves happiness too and to be with someone who is interested in him while he's expressing his feminine side, and whatever that might end up looking like. It's sad when someone turns out to be different to who you thought they were, but it's never too late for both parties to find happiness (sorry for the cliche).

Wishing you the best of luck OP.

Oh OP you need to reconsider. I believe this fetish often gets more and more time consuming and eats away at family finances. Your children will already have picked up on many things.
You deserve happiness and affection and I think you know that won’t be with DH.
x

@hopsalong neither of them are lesbians?

@hopsalong

You can't have it both ways.

If you were to consider him to be a woman (and therefore lesbian - note I don't believe this is possible due to biology) then you would be asking OP to change her sexuality. From straight to gay.

Do you believe people can choose their sexuality?

Thought not.

Maybe consider your options quietly op?
Ducks in a row just in case he leaves you

Is your husband being open with you about the changes he's going through? It may be confusing to him too, but he at least knows what he's feeling, learning, and considering/planning while you must be in the dark if he's not talking it through with you. Do the children know, and have the two of you discussed telling them/that they may find out? Is he also committed to the idea of the two of you staying together no matter what, or is it possible that he may consider leaving at some point? Just things to think about, if they haven't been fully discussed.

There's no "one size fits all" with transitions/trans "identities" and you have a right to know if, for example, he's "just" changing his surface appearance/dressing up, or if he is taking or intends to take cross-sex hormones, or if he's considering some kind of reconstrutive surgery. If he is "in the closet", is he planning to be more public (which would likely directly effect you and the children)? He has a right to privacy, but you also need information to be able to plan your own future and make sure your children remain happy and safe emotionally.

If you're a reader of books, I recommend Christine Benvenuto's memoir Sex Changes - it came out in 2012 so you should be able to find it at a library or perhaps cheaply online if you're interested. The author discovers, 20 years into a marriage and with three toddler-to-young-teen children, that her husband wants to transition. There's a lot in the book about her feelings of complete surprise and shock and also being desperate to keep the marriage together (although they ultimately fail) and to protect the children and deal with the social ramifications in a pretty tight-knit community.

I understand your children will be devastated if their parents split up but children adapt. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? You deserve to be happy. A relationship ending is always sad for all people involved but you will be so much happier without this relationship, where he gets to indulge in his fantasies while you play the dutiful wife.

Please think of yourself! You only have one life my darling and you need to spend it being happy. Sending you lots of love xx

I second this statement.

It always seems that women are prepared to put up with this kind of sh%t relationship for the kids.

Even if you don't split up... why not consider getting someone for a physical relationship.

You'd get plenty of offers for a discreet arrangement.

How old are your DC?
Do they know how things between you and your DH are?

You do have a right to be happy and unfortunately staying in a relationship just because your DC will be devastated isn't going to ever bring you happiness.

Clearly you aren't compatible anymore, your DH has changed over the last x amount of years into a person that you didn't marry or choose to be with and it's OK in these circumstances for you to move on and find what you really want.

If you stay you'll be teaching your children that it's normal and acceptable for a relationship to be unhappy, unhealthy, affectionless, distant...

As someone who grew up in a 'we stayed together for your sake' family, they won't thank you for it.

Do you want them to end up in a relationship with such an unhappy dynamic? Because the longer you stay with him, the more likely it is they'll replicate that dynamic as adults.

Wouldn't you rather see them in adult relationships with people they love, who love them, who have fun together, who kiss and cuddle instinctively, who are a team etc?

Surely it would break your heart to see them end up as unhappy and unfulfilled as you are now?

It always seems that women are prepared to put up with this kind of sh%t relationship for the kids.

It's a relationship of convenience. I believe the only reason she would stay with him is because he provides and she can't afford to be a single mother. She thinks she is teaching her children positive relationships and she's not. That's why they set up #Meto women shouldn't have to put up with it. Her husband wants it all and she is making sacrifices right throughout the marriage.

@monsteramunch

On choosing sexual orientation, yes, within reason. I have had successful sexual relationships with both men and women. I chose the person, not my orientation in these cases. (I identify as straight, not bi.) This obviously may not work for all people. I do know a couple who have a very happy and sexually happy marriage post transition.

The complete lack of affection and physical intimacy in this marriage seems to me the breaking point. This might be caused in this marriage by the trans issue, but it isn't necessitated by it.

@hopsalong

On choosing sexual orientation, yes, within reason.

It's offensive to say people choose their sexual orientation IMO.

I have had successful sexual relationships with both men and women. I chose the person, not my orientation in these cases. (I identify as straight, not bi.)

I'm bisexual. I'm sexually attracted to both men and women. I fancy who I fancy, regardless of their sex, just like you.

You can label yourself however you want, obviously, but if you are attracted to both sexes then by definition you are not heterosexual.

Is there a reason you don't wish to label yourself bisexual, despite it being an accurate descriptor just factually? I'm baffled as to why you would feel the need to identify as straight when you are sometimes same sex attracted.

Hmmm seems very disingenuous on your part. You are straight but you have had sexual relationships with men and women. Sounds like you interpret the meaning of words very loosely.

To claim you're staying for the kids is a cop out OP. If you separated, you wouldn't stop him from seeing them would you. Many couples co-parent well. Lots of people split up for much less than what you've described. Are you sure you're not staying for the financial support? If that's the case then you need to get your ducks in a row and think about your future/happiness. As your kids get older they are going to pick up on some seriously odd vibes - your unhappiness, DF acting/dressing differently.
It's good that you've reached out for support and hopefully you can join some groups and get some hands on advice.

OP this sounds really tough. I think you’ve been demeaned and neglected in your relationship for so long that you need to build yourself up again, only then will you have perspective. Your kids won’t be at home forever, but you may well be so downtrodden that by the time you might be ready to leave you will be a shadow of yourself.

So rather than tie yourself in knots thinking that you’ve got to ‘support’ him or support your kids, support yourself! You first, then your kids. That’s it. Have some time to find yourself again. What you are experiencing is pretty awful, your husband, your future life has crumbled, you sound like you are no longer loved, cherished, you don’t have a true partner to share the burden and the joys. You’ve just been demoted to ‘support person’. You are worth more.

Why not?

Would you want to? You must know you’d be in a minority there

No your wrong don't stay for the sake of the children. They will know there's something going on. Maybe just tell them the truth you can still be parents in the same house and not be a couple.

Have you been to funny girls? I mean it's good for a night out and some you can't tell they are chicks with Dick's until they speak. But wouldn't want to shag any of then.😱😳😂