Trans-ish husband. Sources of support.

[TheSquirrelOfDisappointment]

DH has in the last decade or so increasingly embraced his female side. He wears makeup and stereotypically female clothes often. He goes to trans meet-ups. Meanwhile he and I sleep in different parts of the house and I ponder the fact that I'll probably never have any kind of physical affection ever again (except from the cat). Is there any supportive organization out there for women in this situation? I heard about the Beaumont Foundation but they seem to be primarily by/for trans people themselves.

Ffs how can you manage to stay for nearly a decade.
It will only be better for your children if you split.

Your children will work out at some that something isn't right.

And you pretending everything is ok, will encourage them to have silence about certain topics because they are in an unspoken off limits box.

You will teach them to suppress how they feel and not feel able to approach you on certain subjects.

The idea that you can somehow protect them from the truth on this, won't play out like that.

You need to be honest with yourself and honest with them in order for them to form healthy relationships of their own.

I reckon that he is happy, OP is far from it if she's honest, and that kids aren't daft.

They will be way beyond devastated when they find out exactly what's been going on, which at some point they will, and you've been soldiering on for their sake. Unless you're genuinely ok with the situation, you're just kicking it down the road.

Not in the kids vest interest to grow up seeing their mother sacrifice all her in needs and happiness to placate some twat who has no affection for her.

Do yoi want them to follow the same pattern.
Staying 'for them' is actually selfish. Because rather than cause them short term distress you are telling them they should stay in unhappy marriages, put up and shut up. That's far worse!

I wouldn't tell you to leave, OP - that's up to you.

I just want to spell out one thing: Children are not necessarily going to be happier because their parents stay together. Children are happier usually when their parents are happy. That includes you, OP. Your happiness matters.

I am usually the one on the Relationships threads saying 'don't listen to the LTB chorus. It's always worth giving a marriage another chance if children are involved, u nless there's violence.'

But in this case, you would be better off leaving. You don't hate each other. You could work at having a really amicable divorce. You wouldn;t be modelling a healthy relatio nsip to your children if you stayed as a loveless martyr to them. It will only be traumatic if it is hostile. Work on making sure it isn't.

The Trans Widows are the group of women like you. You'll recognise your situation in their stories and can follow how things went for them and their children.

You can ask them for support and ask questions, or share your experiences without judgment.

You don't need to make any decisions based on what other people have done, but it may make you feel less alone.

Yes, and it is possible to have a civilised break up that is less upsetting for children. I'm sure it's not easy, but it can be done.

You deserve a sex life as well. If that's what you want. Your husband is being incredibly selfish. You don't have to stay. The kids will cope.

Children recover from divorce. They never recover from seeing one parent completely miserable and ignored.

Yeah, your children won’t thank you for staying with someone you don’t love and have no relationship with, they’re not stupid.

I wouldn't jump to leaving physically or advising you to leave; marriages can be what the people in them want them to be.

However, your husband has unilaterally left the part of your marriage that is about physical affection.

I'd strongly suggest you see a therapist, ideally an older person. This is an earthquake in your life that you didn't want. Look for support.

Completely different situation but my mother stayed with my abusive father “because of the children” I can testify if needed that growing up in a broken home is worse far than being from a broken home.

Don’t think, or be persuaded, that your DC will be damaged by you leaving.

So he's not really your husband anymore he's your flatmate. Why do you think this situation is better for your kids

Your children will grow and have choices. They’ll likely leave home, start careers, have their own homes and so on. Think about your future too.
Your husband can be happy without you.
Your children can be happy without him full time.
You can be happy with your own career and relationships you choose. You don’t have to live with the person you didn’t choose to marry, you can still be friends but you’ll have choices.

Our children would be way beyond devastated if we split.

No they wouldn’t.

If you want to stay for whatever reason that’s fine, but don’t blame it on the children.

Many couples decide to just be friends but still live together as it makes sense financially and it’s easier for childcare etc.

If this is the path you are choosing then depending on your DCs ages then it’s probably better to be open with them and so it doesn’t come as such a shock later on.

Leave.

"Everyone gets two lives. The second begins when you realise you only get one."

One life, OP. Just this one. Is this what you want it to be?

Stop "ishing" it! your husband is trans and he is entitled to dress up in womens' clothes if that is what he feels he needs to do, and you are equally entitled to leave him and find a loving relationship with a man who loves you as a woman in the way you need to be loved. Maybe he can't help being trans, but you can't help being a "cis" woman, who needs and deserves to be in a loving relationship with a "cis" man, or a single woman who does not have to deal with the complications of being in a relationship with a man who needs to dress up in womens' clothes and wear make up. Your needs are just as important as his. He has felt entitled enough to express his "needs". Time for you to do the same!

In time your children will find out about their dad's other life and that you are no longer a couple even if you live together.
Knowing that you stayed for their happiness at the expense of yours is an awfully big burden for them to have to shoulder.
Really consider if you are doing the right thing for them.

You need to provide your children with the option of a home away from him. How are they supposed to cope with this as they grow. You are going to need to step up and be the one with the balls now.

Being raised by a very unhappy mother will impact them far more than a divorce would. The only thing keeping you in that sham of a marriage is you.

The longer you stay in the marriage the more damaged and hurt you will become. And the longer you stay in the marriage the more you risk your children’s expectations of a healthy relationship.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It must be incredibly difficult. I hope you are able to find and receive support.

But please leave. You deserve happiness and a healthy relationship.

Unfortunately, the kids aren't exactly having a normal life, now, with Dad dressing like a woman and Mum (understandably!) very unhappy with her new life of being married to a man who doesn't act like a man.

I wouldn't want my children to think they should have to sacrifice their happiness in this way. Divorce can be difficult for children, but living in a toxic atmosphere of unhappy parents isn't great, either.

I wouldn't leave because your husband wears women's clothes.
I would leave because you don't have a sex life or, it seems, even a physically affectionate relationship.
(It is possible for those things to co-exist. Your husband could be a lesbian who still finds you the most attractive woman in the world, and you might find yourself attracted to him as a her.)

OP doesn't sound particularly happy. She's staying because she thinks it will be better for the kids.