Trans-ish husband. Sources of support.

[TheSquirrelOfDisappointment]

DH has in the last decade or so increasingly embraced his female side. He wears makeup and stereotypically female clothes often. He goes to trans meet-ups. Meanwhile he and I sleep in different parts of the house and I ponder the fact that I'll probably never have any kind of physical affection ever again (except from the cat). Is there any supportive organization out there for women in this situation? I heard about the Beaumont Foundation but they seem to be primarily by/for trans people themselves.

Can you find new relationship with another man while stay together as parents to your children until they are old enough?

Check out other trans widows online. They can give you support. Although Tinsel is considered the only source of support on Mumsnet, other trans widows don't always agree. There are more choices than "leave he's a pervert" versus "stay and adore".

Why would any one do this? Terrible advice.

Womanface?? Is makeup only for women now?

Agree that you should not stay with him for the children though OP. It really will be better in the long run

You are hiding behind your children and basically blaming them because you are scared to do the right thing. No part of this situation is ok for your children but you already know this.My advice for you both is to work ot so y'all can start their therapy account. I'm not being sarcastic or joking,Especially if you stay,you both will be paying well into their adulthood.

How far along this journey is he and is he receiving professional assistance or just attending like minded support groups?

I remember our neighbour's Brother deciding late 30's to transition, and it started with him growing his hair and pulling it back in a pink hair tie. He was advised the transition had to start with his family. My neighbour was devastated and some of the extended family refused to engage with him. The children all knew but they got on with being friends with their cousins and remain close to this day.

This brings me to you OP. How far does your Husband think this will go? Is this something he needs to do in the privacy of a bedroom or is he waiting for the children to grow up more before fully exploring his situation? Does he talk to you about it?

Because I'm thinking, based on having a little bit of understanding from my neighbour's brother, that somehow you are going to be left out due to being so understanding and putting aside your needs and wants in the name of protecting the children right now.

As an earlier poster asked, are you happy?

@LunaDeBallona
Excellent point!

Unfortunately me too didn’t last beyond about 18 months. Hardly surprising as it was woman centric.

Please have a think about what you really want op. Staying together for the sake of the children is not only showing them a poor example of the dynamics of relationships but also a large guilt trip for them when they realise the sacrifices you made in their name. This is something they aren’t likely to thank you for.

Luna is not talking exclusively about make up but the appropriation of womanhood. Obviously men can wear make up. A lot of women on MN were old enough to be dating men wearing make up in the 80s.

That's really sad and sadly selfish thing for him to do... it's the same as him cheating on you, abandoning you. He had left you in spirit, just his physical presence remains. I'm sorry for your loss. It's like you became a widow but were never given permission to grieve and move through the feelings.

😂You do you

It's not an sxcellent point.

Men parodying a male centric, sexualised view of womanhood for their own sexual gratification is not about a little bit of make up.

Personally I wouldn’t mind a man identifying as a man wearing a dress aka Bowie, Harry Styles, everyone in the 80s.

But a middle aged man “dressing as a woman” - usually as a hyperfeminine appropriation of womanhood with lingerie, dresses, heels - is most likely AGP.

some women share their partners sexual fetishes and/or are happy to incorporate them into their relationships. I’d find it repulsive.

There's nothing in what the OP actually says that indicates she wants to leave him at the moment. She's asked for support to navigate it and she's obviously trying to take into account her children's feelings. All the posters who have put 2 and 2 together and come up 657 need to calm down. Shouting at her about how she's fucking up her children is pretty unfair and unhelpful. Presumably at some point she was in love with her husband, and his entire personality hasn't changed overnight, even if the physical side of the relationship may never be the same again. OP this sounds like a difficult situation and 99% of the people commenting have no personal experience so I would suggest you take your time and find some support that works for you and your children.

Well, actually

If I wrote a post about how lonely I was in my marriage and how I lived a completely separate life to my husband and I was very upset at the thought of living the rest of my life devoid of love and affection, it would be reasonable to suggest I leave.

If people told me to leave and my only reason for staying was “for the children” then, it should definitely be a serious consideration to be brought to my attention.

Jesus Christ 🙄 This is progress is it, believing people can change their sexuality on demand? So all those gay men and lesbians who have faced death in some countries or being ostracised from their families, should have just changed their sexuality? Do you hear yourself??

@Naunet well if you're the definition of bisexuality in that you can have successful sexual relationships with both males and females but still believe you are straight, then anything is possible! Phew.

Well, he can’t change sex so OP’s sexuality is not in question here.
Whether she finds him attractive as a male wearing women’s clothing and completely ignoring her are completely different matters.
If my husband suddenly acted like I didn’t exist anymore. Moved out of our bedroom etc. I’d not be sexually attracted to him anymore. Even though I was still straight and he was still male.

Society in general needs to let go of stereotypes. Men and boys should be allowed to wear make up and dresses etc without the insinuation that they must be trans.

Just to clarify OP, my comment has nothing to do with your partner being trans or any cross dressing etc. It has everything to do with feeling loved, validated, respected within a relationship to show healthy dynamics to children. If that can be achieved with both of you, then great!

As above, there appear to be resources to offer support, but if you can't maintain a relationship within your partners new life then is it really worth sacrificing your own happiness and you whole life for? When children get to 18 it doesn't just miraculously change their ability to adapt to change, if anything, the lies can cause more contempt.

Hope you get the help you're looking for x

Yes, I'm going to stay. Our children would be way beyond devastated if we split.

would they? or will they pick up on your unhappiness? and don't you think you deserve some affection, aside of what you get from the cat? You're teaching your children that you should put up with things that harm and / or upset you just because... what?

Ask around among people whose parents stayed together "for the kids" and what they feel about that.

Yet another example of kids being brought up in a home where Dad does whatever the fuck he wants and Mum holds it all together while suffering. I just do not understand why some women chose to martyr themselves like this? We can all reassure, be kind etc but its just more kids growing up with a fucked up idea on how relationships should be. We then wonder why things don't change, why women continue to be put upon. Its because they grow up seeing this shit. Selfish men and martyr women.
You get one life OP, one shot. Why would you want to be stuck like this?

Model healthy relationships for your children. This is not a healthy relationship. Get out

Horrible situation- He gets to live out his fantasies while his wife lives in a sexless marriage?
How lonely is that.
Not to mention confusing to the children.
Daddy in full slap and a frock.

OP, please listen to someone who grew up in an unhappy home. Children are deeply affected by their parent’s relationship. Please rescue them and yourself by leaving your husband.

Also, as LunaDeBallona says: Your Children will be fine. Discovering that their Dad demeans women by wearing womanface, makes their mum very unhappy and being brought up in a home with (I assume must be ) a weird atmosphere will be much more damaging for them. Go to the transwidows website as reccomended above and please, think about ending this unhappy union - for your sake as well as the children’s.