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Original poster

Trans-ish husband. Sources of support.

152 replies

TheSquirrelOfDisappointment · 15/02/2023 20:52

DH has in the last decade or so increasingly embraced his female side. He wears makeup and stereotypically female clothes often. He goes to trans meet-ups. Meanwhile he and I sleep in different parts of the house and I ponder the fact that I'll probably never have any kind of physical affection ever again (except from the cat). Is there any supportive organization out there for women in this situation? I heard about the Beaumont Foundation but they seem to be primarily by/for trans people themselves.

OP posts:
Changemaname1 · 15/02/2023 21:46

I wonder how many men would put up with this sort of thing the other way around

leave ! it sounds fkin dreadful

ZaphodDent · 15/02/2023 21:47

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/02/2023 21:40

Everyone judging- op if you are happy and he is happy and the kids are happy- I see why you’d stay.

I'll probably never have any kind of physical affection ever again.

Sounds great.

Backstreets · 15/02/2023 21:50

If your children are very young please also keep in mind this is the primary model of a relationship they are going to grow up with and take into adulthood.

And whether you want to hear it or not, you deserve better.

MotherofPearl · 15/02/2023 21:52

How old are your children OP?

Anon1224 · 15/02/2023 21:54

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/02/2023 21:40

Everyone judging- op if you are happy and he is happy and the kids are happy- I see why you’d stay.

Another unpopular vote for this. Though I presume your happiness is limited. Its a sad situation but it comes down to do you think overall everyone is happier if you stay then if you split.

Mumsnet is big on splitting up and modelling not staying in a relationship with problems so the overwhelming voice will be to leave. But this is your real life and their are negative consequences to splitting as well as staying, strangers on the Internet can't make the call for you. I also think there is value in modelling to your kids putting them first and creating stability. Whether that's best in your situation none of us know.

Eyerollcentral · 15/02/2023 22:02

Anon1224 · 15/02/2023 21:54

Another unpopular vote for this. Though I presume your happiness is limited. Its a sad situation but it comes down to do you think overall everyone is happier if you stay then if you split.

Mumsnet is big on splitting up and modelling not staying in a relationship with problems so the overwhelming voice will be to leave. But this is your real life and their are negative consequences to splitting as well as staying, strangers on the Internet can't make the call for you. I also think there is value in modelling to your kids putting them first and creating stability. Whether that's best in your situation none of us know.

Show quote history

Do you think her husband should also model that behaviour?

Octopusmittens · 15/02/2023 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This

please rethink OP

ClaphamSouth · 15/02/2023 22:04

There's a blog from a [now adult] child with a parent who transitioned.

"Lots of people’s feelings rest on you suppressing yours" https://childrenoftransitioners.org/2019/08/09/on-the-pressure-to-pretend-that-its-all-ok/

BlueSeaWave · 15/02/2023 22:07

Consider leaving.
Your kids will see and learn you are loving separately and how you get treated and you are teaching them how to be treated in a relationship.
If you do want to stay, could you agree to outside relationships if thats acceptable for you?

M08my · 15/02/2023 22:08

I think sometimes people in bad relationships tell themselves they remain for the sake of the kids, but that's a sort of excuse, and it's actually just inertia and fear of the unknown. It takes serious bravery and effort to go through a divorce.

My mum finally left my awful dad, and my sister was scarred for decades by the memory of how awful it was when they lived together. I was much younger so I remember the divorce, but not the seemingly-endless misery before they decided to divorce.

Your children won't be devastated if you split, I imagine - on the contrary, they'll be slowly damaged the longer you stay. Do the brave thing for the sake of the kids, that's my opinion.

jibbe · 15/02/2023 22:10

There are no benefits for anybody don’t stay, your children will thank you for it

sianiboo · 15/02/2023 22:11

Your children will be beyond devastated when they are old enough to realise that their mum was thoroughly miserable because their father wasn't the man she thought she'd married, and that their childhood was a sham.

I can vouch for this. My father wasn't trans, but he was a serial cheater, he was unfaithful to my mother for the whole of their marriage. He started working abroad when I was 9 and basically acted as if he was a single man. He left her for another woman (his now wife) when I was 21. My mother always valued her 'marriage' (and I put it that way because it was a complete fucking sham) over the happiness of her three children, and we all paid the price. My childhood was shit. Even when they eventually split - and we were all over 18 - my mother used us as a pawn and demanded we cut all contact with our father. She also didn't spare us from all the dirty details regarding their marriage...oversharing is not the word!

My older brother has told his wife he has no happy childhood memories. It was obvious to me personally from a very young age (pre 10) that my parents didn't like, let alone love, each other. There was no affection, verbal or physical, between them and none shown to us, either. They were living a lie. Both of them, and more importantly, myself and my two brothers, would have been FAR happier if they'd split. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD 5 years ago. The damage it has been done to me is still ongoing, I'm 55 this year.

You need to end this sham.

Anon1224 · 15/02/2023 22:13

Eyerollcentral · 15/02/2023 22:02

Do you think her husband should also model that behaviour?

Show quote history

Absolutely the husband should. But he isn't. Its about making the best of a bad situation.

It's high stakes, think strategically and navigate to the least worst situation whatever that may be.

JinglingSpringbells · 15/02/2023 22:15

Is he actually trans (meaning he wants to change gender) or a cross dresser/ transvestite?

I know you say you are staying for your children but how will this impact on them with comments outside of the family home?

Johnnysgirl · 15/02/2023 22:16

Anon1224 · 15/02/2023 22:13

Absolutely the husband should. But he isn't. Its about making the best of a bad situation.

It's high stakes, think strategically and navigate to the least worst situation whatever that may be.

Show quote history

It seems you think the woman in this scenario needs to make up for the shortfalls of her partner, even though he's the entire cause of the problem?

redbigbananafeet · 15/02/2023 22:16

TheSquirrelOfDisappointment · 15/02/2023 21:06

Thanks, people. Seriously.
Yes, I'm going to stay. Our children would be way beyond devastated if we split.

Believe me. Children would rather live with happy but separate parents than parents which live together where one of them is miserable.

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2023 22:17

I can't comment on trans issue but good friend grew up with her parents sleeping apart and living essentially seperate lives in shared house. Friend actually thought this was how married couples behaved and was really shocked in her teens to discover parents that hug and kiss and sleep together. Her parents stayed together until she went to uni. She often says she wish they had separated earlier

Mischance · 15/02/2023 22:20

I don't think being trans and being affectionate are impossible to have together.

redbigbananafeet · 15/02/2023 22:22

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/02/2023 21:40

Everyone judging- op if you are happy and he is happy and the kids are happy- I see why you’d stay.

Does she sound happy when she's saying the only physical affection she'll have for the rest of her life is with a cat?

JenniferBooth · 15/02/2023 22:22

What about sex? If the genders were reversed would we also be assuming it was ok for the man to go without. If it was the OP who was trans

Silvergone · 15/02/2023 22:22

A woman in a similar situation eventually found herself explaining to her children “Your father has fallen in love with himself.” I thought that was very perceptive. It’s not that he’s gay, or that he’s magically become a woman. It’s that he likes to look in the mirror and see a female body with his face on it and he loves that image more than his family. 😭

Anyway. I’d suggest you see a marriage therapist, on your own, and explore what is happening to your marriage.

redbigbananafeet · 15/02/2023 22:23

Mischance · 15/02/2023 22:20

I don't think being trans and being affectionate are impossible to have together.

I wouldn't want to shag my man if he was in a dress, would you?

007DoubleOSeven · 15/02/2023 22:24

And what happens op when you meet someone who makes your heart beat fast?

Someone will come along and knock you sideways and then you'll be the awful cheating spouse who breaks up a marriage.

You're allowed to - each of you - start new fulfilling lives for yourselves while remaining friends and being excellent coparents. Your children will be fine.

FuriousAndFrustrated · 15/02/2023 22:26

JinglingSpringbells · 15/02/2023 22:15

Is he actually trans (meaning he wants to change gender) or a cross dresser/ transvestite?

I know you say you are staying for your children but how will this impact on them with comments outside of the family home?

Trans has expanded exponentially in the past few years. According to Stonewall, cross dressers can be described as trans 🙄😤

www.stonewall.org.uk/list-lgbtq-terms

Eyerollcentral · 15/02/2023 22:26

Anon1224 · 15/02/2023 22:13

Absolutely the husband should. But he isn't. Its about making the best of a bad situation.

It's high stakes, think strategically and navigate to the least worst situation whatever that may be.

Show quote history

Would you stay? I rarely advocate LTB. But I couldn’t stay married to a man who wanted to transition. If the OP wants to that’s her own decision but you appear to be looking to the person not causing the problem in the marriage to come up with a solution. That’s very unfair.