Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scrapped Valentines Dinner

141 replies

covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 20:06

Give me your views...what would you do?

It's been a busy few weeks. Home cooked meals every night, home cooked snacks for the kids, cooking from scratch, canning, preserving, sorting out our homestead, basically just super busy. I am tired and absolutely sick of being in the kitchen.

We are saving on money so we agreed we would get something nice for dinner tonight rather than pay a babysitter and go out somewhere. We didn't do gifts, just cards so I said to him, I will send you some money, can you go get us takeaway and I will get kids in to bed whilst you are away and get washed so we can sit down and have a nice meal together and also I wanted a fizzy drink with my dinner (I react to alcohol, so this is my treat and we had none in the house).

He said no, he didn't want take away and the car needed fuel so he couldn't go (there is a garage nearby, but he wanted to do this further afield where it's cheaper, he literally can't just put £10 in from the local fuel station for some reason, don't ask me why). So I said fine and started making some food, looking at a recipe and prepping. A while later he comes in and says "so what do you want from the takeaway?" This irritated me as I was already making dinner by this point. I said I am already making dinner as you said no to takeaway, he said "I was going to get YOU something and I am sure I can manage some" shrugged his shoulders, seemed briefly annoyed but headed back to the office. I convinced my older kids to settle down the little ones for bed and still in my grubby clothes, I went to the office to ask him if he can dish up dinner so I can get changed out my grubby clothes. He dished up dinner and set out a bottle of wine from the fridge - he knows I am allergic to wine, so I thought it was for him. I don't have anything else to drink in the house which is why I wanted take away to get some juice, so my only option is water. He gets irritated that I say I can't have the wine and will have water, sighs, grabs the wine bottle and says he will have water too then. I tell him to just enjoy the wine with his dinner and let me have the water, he ignores me and starts pouring out water for himself. So I end up just getting up and leaving as I literally was so irritated with the whole thing I no longer feel able to eat, especially with him.

I cannot understand this man.... I really do not get it. He said no to take away, so I cook, he says what do you want from the take away, knowing I am cooking, I say nothing because I am already making dinner, he puts out wine I can't drink, then when I say no to the wine, he refuses to drink it himself....

He kept saying he didn't understand and refused to eat unless I did. So it's scraped in to tubs in the fridge.

I am not even hungry anymore and wondering why I didn't just drive and get myself a take away and put £10 in the car from a local expensive garage because that would REALLY wind him up....

Valentines Day Fail!

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 14/02/2023 21:48

He sounds like hard work, OP.

3487642l · 14/02/2023 21:48

Is this typical behaviour from him? Acting like he didn't hear you? Being overly emotional and passive-aggressive?

If it is, you really need to read Patricia Evan's book, 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'.

The book describes puzzling interactions just like you describe. In each individual case it would be easy to explain it away (he was having an off night, or didn't mean it) but if he does this kind of thing frequently it really is worth reading the book to understand these patterns of behaviour, which are not uncommon in a marriage.

JizzlordTheCat · 14/02/2023 21:53

If this is typical of his behaviour, he’s baiting you; winding you up so you snap and then he makes you look like the unreasonable one.

this stood out to me-

I am tired and absolutely sick of being in the kitchen

Then stop cooking, canning, and preserving! Unless you’re living in the Montana wilderness (which I’m guessing you’re not if you have a petrol garage nearby), you’re not maintaining a “homestead”.

The level of effort you’re putting in to cooking/preparing food sounds like overkill and, if you’re sick of it, you’re coming across as a bit of a martyr to continuing to do it.

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 21:53

3487642l · 14/02/2023 21:48

Is this typical behaviour from him? Acting like he didn't hear you? Being overly emotional and passive-aggressive?

If it is, you really need to read Patricia Evan's book, 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'.

The book describes puzzling interactions just like you describe. In each individual case it would be easy to explain it away (he was having an off night, or didn't mean it) but if he does this kind of thing frequently it really is worth reading the book to understand these patterns of behaviour, which are not uncommon in a marriage.

Yes, unfortunately it is very typical and he never sees what's wrong with it and it always ends up being my fault for being too sensitive or confusing or something else

OP posts:
Dery · 14/02/2023 21:59

“”I am tired and absolutely sick of being in the kitchen”

Then stop cooking, canning, and preserving! Unless you’re living in the Montana wilderness (which I’m guessing you’re not if you have a petrol garage nearby), you’re not maintaining a “homestead”.

The level of effort you’re putting in to cooking/preparing food sounds like overkill and, if you’re sick of it, you’re coming across as a bit of a martyr to continuing to do it.”

This. Sorry your Valentine’s Evening was ruined but it does sound like you’re doing more than is needed. Also, if you’d agreed to a takeaway, why did you immediately just swing into action back in the kitchen when you’d agreed an evening off? Why didn’t you say - you’d agreed a takeaway and you needed an evening off?

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:03

JizzlordTheCat · 14/02/2023 21:53

If this is typical of his behaviour, he’s baiting you; winding you up so you snap and then he makes you look like the unreasonable one.

this stood out to me-

I am tired and absolutely sick of being in the kitchen

Then stop cooking, canning, and preserving! Unless you’re living in the Montana wilderness (which I’m guessing you’re not if you have a petrol garage nearby), you’re not maintaining a “homestead”.

The level of effort you’re putting in to cooking/preparing food sounds like overkill and, if you’re sick of it, you’re coming across as a bit of a martyr to continuing to do it.

We legit have a homestead 😂 we live very rurally and although we have some shops nearby, being rural they are expensive, it isn't sustainable for us. Main supermarket is 5 hour round trip. So we buy in bulk, grow our own fruit, veg, have chickens etc - bulk cooking, canning and preserving is part of daily life for us and it's not the problem, I actually love it...I just need a break when I need a break as it can get physically exhausting during busy times. After a very busy few weeks, tonight was the time I needed a break and that's what we were planning for.

Saying I am a martyr is like saying don't have kids because you can't moan it now and then when it gets too much sometimes...stuff gets tough sometimes

OP posts:
gogohmm · 14/02/2023 22:04

Since when did anyone live in homesteads in Britain? It's not rural Alaska. Even my friends on a remote Scottish isle have a local pub!

Canning in January too? You can when you have an abundance of produce and in the U.K. February is one of the leanest months when you eat your stores.

I'm thinking this is a tall tale

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 22:06

Admittedly it's - 3 day trip for my friends to go to ikea but that's due to the ferry. Even remote places on the nw coast aren't that far from shops

Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/02/2023 22:08

Rural with a takeaway and petrol station nearby errmmi don't think so

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:08

Dery · 14/02/2023 21:59

“”I am tired and absolutely sick of being in the kitchen”

Then stop cooking, canning, and preserving! Unless you’re living in the Montana wilderness (which I’m guessing you’re not if you have a petrol garage nearby), you’re not maintaining a “homestead”.

The level of effort you’re putting in to cooking/preparing food sounds like overkill and, if you’re sick of it, you’re coming across as a bit of a martyr to continuing to do it.”

This. Sorry your Valentine’s Evening was ruined but it does sound like you’re doing more than is needed. Also, if you’d agreed to a takeaway, why did you immediately just swing into action back in the kitchen when you’d agreed an evening off? Why didn’t you say - you’d agreed a takeaway and you needed an evening off?

We didn't pre-agree on takeaway, let me be clear - we agreed to have a nice meal instead of going out, the logistics of that weren't discussed. I decided (being the one who mainly cooks and being knackered) we would get a takeaway and I would pay for this, he would just need to go collect it which would give me time to bed kids and have a shower.

I backed down because I really didn't want a fight. They say compromise is important in marriage, not sure that's working out!

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 22:08

So there are takeaways but no shops? Weird.

Anyway your dh obviously just likes winding you up. Probably bored.

Theunamedcat · 14/02/2023 22:09

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 22:04

Since when did anyone live in homesteads in Britain? It's not rural Alaska. Even my friends on a remote Scottish isle have a local pub!

Canning in January too? You can when you have an abundance of produce and in the U.K. February is one of the leanest months when you eat your stores.

I'm thinking this is a tall tale

Or they don't live in the UK? Or they are not FROM the UK?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/02/2023 22:10

And a restaurant and someone to babysit

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/02/2023 22:13

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 22:04

Since when did anyone live in homesteads in Britain? It's not rural Alaska. Even my friends on a remote Scottish isle have a local pub!

Canning in January too? You can when you have an abundance of produce and in the U.K. February is one of the leanest months when you eat your stores.

I'm thinking this is a tall tale

Its almost as if other countries exist outside the UK....

ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 22:14

Theunamedcat · 14/02/2023 22:09

Or they don't live in the UK? Or they are not FROM the UK?

Show quote history

They use £.

Falklands? Antarctica?

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:15

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 22:04

Since when did anyone live in homesteads in Britain? It's not rural Alaska. Even my friends on a remote Scottish isle have a local pub!

Canning in January too? You can when you have an abundance of produce and in the U.K. February is one of the leanest months when you eat your stores.

I'm thinking this is a tall tale

Haha!! What a silly comment, there are thousands of homesteading households throughout the UK. It's not just Americans who have cottoned on to rising food prices, not to mention the plastic filled supermarkets and week old fruit and veg. We live largely off our land with a small amount of bulk buying of what we can't grow ourselves and that's our choice. Not sure why this is becoming the topic of conversation, this is about a fall out with OH because I was tired and didn't want to cook.

Just pretend it was something to do with me washing or shopping all day that made me tired instead if it makes you feel comfortable 🙈

P.s. you don't just can in February and it's not just fruit and veg, we make our own canned chilli, curries, beef steak for example 👍🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:16

ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 22:08

So there are takeaways but no shops? Weird.

Anyway your dh obviously just likes winding you up. Probably bored.

There are shops, takeaways, banks, restaurants, pubs - not sure why people are confused...

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 14/02/2023 22:17

Strange such a distance from a good supermarket but as well as a takeaway, there was obviously somewhere to go out to eat if you’d wanted to.

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:17

ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 22:14

They use £.

Falklands? Antarctica?

Show quote history

We live in the UK....wow do people really not think homesteaders exist in the UK? This is a hilarious turn of this post!

OP posts:
Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:18

Sunnydays0101 · 14/02/2023 22:17

Strange such a distance from a good supermarket but as well as a takeaway, there was obviously somewhere to go out to eat if you’d wanted to.

Lots of places to go out to eat, we were saving funds on a babysitter and restaurant and having a nice meal at home instead - it says so in the original post.

OP posts:
Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:19

Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/02/2023 22:10

And a restaurant and someone to babysit

We were trying to save some money on babysitter and restaurant and having a meal at home instead, as per the original post

OP posts:
Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:20

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 22:06

Admittedly it's - 3 day trip for my friends to go to ikea but that's due to the ferry. Even remote places on the nw coast aren't that far from shops

There are shops, who said there wasn't shops?

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 22:20

covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:17

We live in the UK....wow do people really not think homesteaders exist in the UK? This is a hilarious turn of this post!

Show quote history

well, I thought you were UK as you talk about £ but apparently other posters thought that might be Egyptian pounds, or South Sudanese

ThatshallotBaby · 14/02/2023 22:20

I think your dh is completely out of order @covertcuddler.
It sounds like he doesn’t listen to you or think about what you want. How are you feeling now?

trythisforsize · 14/02/2023 22:20

I thought the whole point of takeaway is that they deliver. So why the petrol problem?

It just sounds like you both left it too late to get an agreement, frazzled with all the work and now resentful that it didn't work out. My and my best friend always often remind each other of the perils of having expectations that we actually never told our partner about and then blame them when they didn't do the thing we wanted deep down. It's a silent killer for sure.
Do a nice thing tomorrow instead. Valentines Day is a pile of old crap. Way too much pressure to get it right. Have your own special Wednesday instead.

Swipe left for the next trending thread